[Daisy82]

After signing the papers to be filed with the court yesterday, it occured to me this morning that I haven't cried. In the last few months I have cried for my kids. It breaks my heart knowing that they have to go through this as well. I've cried for him, in the beginning of the separation he cried (or at least had tears in his eyes) more than I'd ever seen in the 17 years that I've know him. Yet I haven't cried for myself in a long time.

I'm usually a crier, I believe that some healing can come from a good hard cry. At one point I did hold in my emotions at times, I didn't want to break down in front of our children. But I don't feel like I'm holding it in at this point.

My rationalization for not crying: I've cried so many times over so many years because of him. Also I'm farther along in the process because I've had years to deal with it and came to the decision of divorce not out of anger but because I knew it's what I had to do if I had any hopes at ever being happy again.

I know this is just the beginning of a very long journey and I know my emotions with flip flop a lot before the divorce is finale. But for right now I don't cry. While I'm sad that it didn't work out between H and I and I'm sad for my children, I'm not sad for me right now.

Anyone else experience this?

 

[LuvMyH]

Yes! I found that once I was over the hurt and lies, I was over my husband, as well. I feel like you- sad that it didn't work out, but I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. No more tears. I even got angry at my husband for crying the last time he did in front of me. Told him he needed to man up because his crying was just pi**ing me off.

Hope you continue to feel better.
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[PrincessMarie]

*laughs* I just noticed this after posting my topic. I was the one that was being divorced, but I'm not crying anymore either. I'm somehow happy that everything is coming to an end and I'm happy that you are too.

 

[indiecat]

Daisy, can I ask how you decided you were done?

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Been there, too, Daisy!

Spent YEARS crying over our marriage. Asking him to listen to me, to change things, but it was all wasted effort. I cried and mourned my marriage for YEARS until I was over it. Like you, I was no longer angry when I left; I was WELL PAST the anger and the hurt and the sadness.

I had arrived at HAPPY. I was so excited the anticipation of WHAT I COULD make out of life - the expectations, the plans, the possibilities it was as mind-boggling as it was in my mid-20s when I realized I could do ANYTHING I wanted. Only it was BETTER this time, because THIS TIME I won't waste time/emotion/effort on people who aren't worth it. I won't waste time trying to be liked, or socially acceptable or politically correct or ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO BE.

I am old enough now NOT TO CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. I ONLY have to satisfy ME and my conscience.

It is SO LIBERATING to be happy and hopeful again!!!

 

[HeartbrokenW]

You give me hope, Slowly. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Daisy82]

Daisy, can I ask how you decided you were done?

How I knew I was done and wanted a divorce?

A few months ago we were going through some issues. He was trying to push me into the arms of another man. I mean literally, he pushed me. "Go have fun." "Experience what it's like with another man." "Find someone that you enjoy being with." "Then come home to me and everything will be fine."

It was when I actually started to consider this option that I realized how much I had changed. I am not a cheater, never have been, never will be. But I truly considered it. That got me thinking about our life together over the years and how much his actions have effected me and changed me. I was becoming a person I never wanted to be.

That's when I knew we had to divorce. After pondering this for a few days/weeks, one morning after he woke up we went outside to smoke together. That's when I told him I wanted a divorce.

Yes I was sad but I knew as hard as it was going to be that it was still the right choice. Now I'm trying to gain back all of the things that I've lost over the years (basically my sense of worth) and I'm trying to be happy. Just because I don't cry doesn't mean I'm happy yet. But I'm working on it.