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I don’t want a proposal anymore

4K views 63 replies 34 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
Just after some advice. I have been with my partner for 6 and half years. I told him very early on how much marriage means to me, starting a family and how I wanted it all in my 20s. He said he wanted the same and we continued dating to see if it went anywhere. Skip to 3 years in and marriage got brought up again with him telling me not to worry, it was planned and indicated it would be in the next couple of years. For our 5th anniversary we went away on a beautifull get away and I really thought it might happen. It didnt. Now 6 and half years into our relationship all I see is engagement posts everytime I open my phone.

Here is the real kicker: (I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I have tried everything in my power to stop this) Everytime I see another person's engagement I feel my heart break just a little bit each time until I broke down on my own in our house and made the decision that regardless I will stay with him. I do think he will propose at some point but my heart hurts a little too much now and I am not excited for an engagement or marriage. For example, today we were in a jewellary shop today shopping for a present for somebody and he stopped at the engagement rings (as we have done in the past years) and he said he really likes this one ring. My heart already sunk when he stopped there and all I could manage to say was thats fair enough without crying.
I love him entirely and I want to stay with him but I think if he gets down on one knee I will have to say no because it will bring up so much pain and heart ache that I’ve felt build up over the years (I know this sounds unreasonable and dramatic, but it’s how I feel). I have not spoken to anybody about this because I feel like what I am feeling is so strange and nobody will understand.

Do you think I should speak to him about this? If so how do I do this without him thinking I’m just trying to pressure him (which I have never ever done)? Is this completely irrational? Is there anything I can do to shake the feeling or to get excited about it all again?
 
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#3 ·
Are you willing to stay without being married because you want to or because you've already invested so much time and effort into this relationship and you are afraid of being alone if you break it off? You don't have to answer, but I think you should really think about that. There's a bit of sunk costs in this relationship, but if every time you see/hear about marriage you get weepy and there is already resentment building... I don't know if that is going to get better if you stay.
 
#4 ·
Just after some advice. I have been with my partner for 6 and half years. I told him very early on how much marriage means to me, starting a family and how I wanted it all in my 20s. He said he wanted the same and we continued dating to see if it went anywhere. Skip to 3 years in and marriage got brought up again with him telling me not to worry, it was planned and indicated it would be in the next couple of years. For our 5th anniversary we went away on a beautifull get away and I really thought it might happen. It didnt. Now 6 and half years into our relationship all I see is engagement posts everytime I open my phone.

Here is the real kicker: (I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I have tried everything in my power to stop this) Everytime I see another person's engagement I feel my heart break just a little bit each time until I broke down on my own in our house and made the decision that regardless I will stay with him. I do think he will propose at some point but my heart hurts a little too much now and I am not excited for an engagement or marriage. For example, today we were in a jewellary shop today shopping for a present for somebody and he stopped at the engagement rings (as we have done in the past years) and he said he really likes this one ring. My heart already sunk when he stopped there and all I could manage to say was thats fair enough without crying.
I love him entirely and I want to stay with him but I think if he gets down on one knee I will have to say no because it will bring up so much pain and heart ache that I’ve felt build up over the years (I know this sounds unreasonable and dramatic, but it’s how I feel). I have not spoken to anybody about this because I feel like what I am feeling is so strange and nobody will understand.

Do you think I should speak to him about this? If so how do I do this without him thinking I’m just trying to pressure him (which I have never ever done)? Is this completely irrational? Is there anything I can do to shake the feeling or to get excited about it all again?
This is your life and your future as well, you can and should talk to him about where he sees this going. I would ask him why he hasn't proposed yet. There is a reason, either with him or with you.

Maybe he has a fear of commitment, maybe his parent's marriage wasn't great, maybe he doesn't feel ready for kids or doesn't want them at all, maybe he wants to be in a better place financially, maybe he feels too young, maybe he isn't sure where you stand on it, etc.

I have a friend who has been dating a woman for like 10 years and they have three "unplanned" kids, but they aren't married or engaged "yet". I asked him why recently and he said he doesn't want to propose until she finishes college. Weird to me but that's his reason.

So, talk to him. That conversation may help you feel better, or show you that it's time to end this.

And no, I don't think the way you are feeling is irrational. That friend mentioned above, his GF said the same thing about feeling sad at every proposal post and that she didn't even want one, until they talked about why it hadn't happened yet.
 
#8 ·
Just after some advice. I have been with my partner for 6 and half years. I told him very early on how much marriage means to me, starting a family and how I wanted it all in my 20s. He said he wanted the same and we continued dating to see if it went anywhere. Skip to 3 years in and marriage got brought up again with him telling me not to worry, it was planned and indicated it would be in the next couple of years. For our 5th anniversary we went away on a beautifull get away and I really thought it might happen. It didnt. Now 6 and half years into our relationship all I see is engagement posts everytime I open my phone.

Here is the real kicker: (I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I have tried everything in my power to stop this) Everytime I see another person's engagement I feel my heart break just a little bit each time until I broke down on my own in our house and made the decision that regardless I will stay with him. I do think he will propose at some point but my heart hurts a little too much now and I am not excited for an engagement or marriage. For example, today we were in a jewellary shop today shopping for a present for somebody and he stopped at the engagement rings (as we have done in the past years) and he said he really likes this one ring. My heart already sunk when he stopped there and all I could manage to say was thats fair enough without crying.
I love him entirely and I want to stay with him but I think if he gets down on one knee I will have to say no because it will bring up so much pain and heart ache that I’ve felt build up over the years (I know this sounds unreasonable and dramatic, but it’s how I feel). I have not spoken to anybody about this because I feel like what I am feeling is so strange and nobody will understand.

Do you think I should speak to him about this? If so how do I do this without him thinking I’m just trying to pressure him (which I have never ever done)? Is this completely irrational? Is there anything I can do to shake the feeling or to get excited about it all again?
I am reminded of a song, the Sound of Silence.
The words I recall are "Silence like a cancer grows"

You owe it to your emotional well-being to have the conversation with him. Get it off your chest. There is a very real possibility that this issue could continue to build and blow up at some point in the future.

Talk to him.
Just be open and honest and reassure him you're not trying to manipulate him, but the conversation must happen.

My 2 cents.
 
#10 ·
If this guy wanted to marry you he'd be pursuing it.

You have a power imbalances because your practically begging for it and he holds the power.

Think about how much more time you want to waste with this guy if marriage is important. And fyi....don't be surprised if he all of a sudden starts talking marriage once you dump him. Don't be drawn in...happy marriages don't start as a reaction to bring dumped.
 
#12 ·
If this guy wanted to marry you he'd be pursuing it.

You have a power imbalances because your practically begging for it and he holds the power.

Think about how much more time you want to waste with this guy if marriage is important. And fyi....don't be surprised if he all of a sudden starts talking marriage once you dump him. Don't be drawn in...happy marriages don't start as a reaction to bring dumped.
Not all men want to get married in their early 20s.

I'd like to see their ages. They have been together awhile but it sounds like they started dating as perhaps teenagers.
 
#13 ·
So I started dating my wife at 21. I proposed to her when I was 26. She was acting the same way you are.

After I had ordered the ring, which took about 4 months to get after ordering, her good friend got engaged.

My girlfriend had a meltdown, everyone is getting engaged etc. I just had to take it, since I couldn't say anything or blow the surprise.

I think it really depends on how old you are. There was no chance I was getting married before 25... so maybe it is coming.

It seems odd that you want it so badly, yet then say you would say no. You realize that would likely be the end of relationship if you did that right?
 
#22 · (Edited)
I agree with the others and probably best to take a break, and get some space. He’s either the world’s best procrastinator or he’s just not interested in marrying you, but loves you and loves having you as a gf.

The latter isn't the same as wanting to marry you but he may enjoy being with you, having sex, and doing things that appear like he wants to have a lifelong commitment with you. But, if he knows you want marriage, and he doesn't...he should tell you and just not drag it out.
 
#25 ·
Sure, this makes sense.

This is where the compatibility factor comes in.
She has let him know on more that one occasion that she wants to get married.

He knows this, but will not commit.

He is willing to string her along, knowing it bothers her, but will not give her what she wants, or let her go.

......................................................

Many men have heard the horror stories of getting married and the difficulties, and expenses in getting divorced.
Men are now gun shy.

It has gotten better.

The new divorce laws in the UK permit filing for divorce online.
The at-fault laws have been eliminated.
You can get divorced for any reason, though there is a waiting period (five months?)
I am sure it still remains contentious, if both retain legal counsel.
 
#27 ·
I know this feeling. It sucks.

I only married bc i issued an ultimatum as when i tried to talk about marriage he would always cut the conversation with a "we are already married" bc we lived together.

The heartbreak and the resentment bc of it is soul destroying.

It went mpstly away, but still feel it from time to time.

I would NEVER advise any woman to play the "Waiting Game". If i could turn back time i would have issued an ultimatum earlier before the heartbreak feeling grew so much or ibwould just break up and find a guy who truly loved me (i dont know if it was the resentmwnt, but many times i get myself doubting my husband loves me).

This type of men wanna wait until THEY feel emotionally ready to marry (otherwise they will resent the woman for "forcing" them to marry) and they forget that the women too have a timeframe when SHE is ready to marry and then when the woman feel all this resentment and build bc of all the rejection these type of men get all pikachu face 😲
 
#29 ·
I fotgot to mention i know 2 cases where men strung the women too long to propose and when they finally did the resentment was so much both women said no when the proposal finally came and days after broke up with them.for good.

One of the women married a divorced loser with 2 kids, simply bc he liked her enough to marry her and her ex regrets taking long to propose until this day. He now understands what happened. At first he thought she was the one who strung him along until the friends explained that she build resentment.
 
#32 ·
Yep. He’s comfortable but doesn’t value you enough to marry. Sure if you try to break up them all of a sudden he’ll be ready to commit.

It’s a tough place to be. But I lean in the side of just do the hard thing break up and find someone who values you.

Never again wait more than 2 years. You don’t have time for boys who are at the stage of good enough but not valued.

You could propose, I don’t care that he said he didn’t want that. He also said he was on board with you. But you’ll most likely always have this resentment and he may feel like you trapped him. Even if things go well you’ll have doubts and never feel good enough. It will impact you and him.

Bottom line. You deserve someone who is head over heels for you and not afraid to show it. Someone who treasures you and is ready and wanting to commit. If that was your boyfriend, he’d have already proposed.

I know it’s hard. I broke up with my ‘fiancé’ after 2 years and didn’t feel his enthusiasm. He begged and said things would be different. In the end it was the best thing I ever did. I met and married my husband of 29 years shortly after and have never felt like he didn’t enthusiastically want to be here. BTW I proposed to my hubby 😊
 
#33 ·
Never again wait more than 2 years.
Great, great, great advice to most cases!!!


__

I wanna add that when a woman in this situation breaks up its normal for the man to start telling everybody near them that he was about to propose, that he had bought the ring and everything.

Its a lie to get revenge against said woman bc she had the audacity of leaving. Just more manipulation.
 
#36 ·
Oh and OP I read that you love him and are ‘okay’ without a proposal. But do you really want to be a single parent?

Have you given up wanting kids?

You want kids out of wedlock? If you even contemplate that get in writing what support he’s going to provide through university.

Again I wouldn’t do it but if you contemplate it. Make sure you get everything in writing. If you do the stay at home mom get a salary that you can put up for pension. If you buy a home figure out whose names will be on it and if you are building equity.

Talk about whose last name will be in the birth certificate.

Often times by 6 years it turns out they get married after the second child. Then divorce about 3-5 years after that.

You should really consider do you actually love and want to be with a liar. You brought it up early. He was on the same page. You brought it up 3 years in he told you not to worry it would in the works. He’s a liar and further doesn’t seem to respect you. Is that who you want for the rest of your life?

You really want someone who doesn’t value you and lies to you? I don’t care if he’s the best thing since sliced bread. You deserve someone who wouldn’t leave you with these feelings of resentment when he knew the expectations early and said he agreed.
 
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