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Discussion Starter · #41 ·
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and carry on as "normal". I can't imagine how you are feeling now, at least mine had the decency to leave our home on DD.

So he's insisting it's an EA, eh? Yeah right. Even if it is, look at how he treated you, with such contempt and blatant disrespect. He's shown you who he really is, and it's so ugly.

I don't think you'll ever be able to understand those questions, b/c unlike him, you have morals and you wouldn't stoop to that disgusting behavior. Honestly, it doesn't matter why he did what he did. All that matters now is you and your kids and what you will do next.

Great job getting that appointment, I hope it goes well and you're all clear. Have you made an appointment with a therapist? You'll need all the support you can get. A therapist will also help you to process your feelings and give you the tools and perspective to move forward even if you think you're not strong enough now.

Keep posting when you're able and know that you're not alone! It will really be ok in the end because you're strong and you're acting!
He still won’t admit it and won’t use the word “affair” but supposedly he ended the physical part once I found out. Apparently felt no guilt when I had no clue what he was doing but now that I know he feels guilty about it. So now he’s “working on” ending the emotional part.
 

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Little does he know that I don’t buy his bs story that he’s going to end his relationship with this other woman and that I’m actually planning to slap him with divorce papers instead.
He probably doesn't want her for anything other than sex. They worked together so it was convenient.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there. This is a great community you've found.
 

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He’s still living at home. To clarify my earlier post since it’s not super clear, when he apologized he said he wants to end his EA and stay with me. That he wanted me to trust that he would break it off with the OW but that it would take him a little time because of whatever reason he gave me I don’t even care at this point. That’s when I said yes I trust you take the time you need, but really I have no intention of staying with him and am looking into my options. For now I don’t want to give him any indication of that though. I’m just acting like nothing is wrong. Making sure the home is in order and the kids are happy and loved. But I do need to look up the 180 thing you all are mentioning.
And I have an appt for my yearly physical next week so I’ll be getting tested for sure although I am pretty sure we didn’t have sex once he started ****ing that POS woman.
I just want to scream and cry and throw things and take a sledgehammer to his car. I think the numbness I felt for the last 2 days is wearing off. Why do people cheat on their spouses??? If they are so unhappy why don’t they just leave??? How can anyone be ok destroying someone else’s life, and their own children’s lives???
Wow. You are ahead of the game, playing it cool like that with him, while you get your affairs in order. You are in a lot of pain right now, but you are going to do just fine. Your WH, however, his world is going to blow up in his face; not that it matters at this point.

And, why do people cheat on their spouses? Good question. I guess, because some people just f'ng SUCK! Some people are just selfish and feel that their needs are above everybody else's, no matter who it hurts or how much. And, it's an evil psychological game; one that I will never understand.
 

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He still won’t admit it and won’t use the word “affair” but supposedly he ended the physical part once I found out. Apparently felt no guilt when I had no clue what he was doing but now that I know he feels guilty about it. So now he’s “working on” ending the emotional part.
I know how this hurts only too well, but girl, you'll have your **** together and I admire you! I just remembered something...Try to eat a little, even if it's hard to choke it down. I couldn't, I think I lived on protein shakes and smoothies for a few weeks.

Does he care about what other people think of him and like being everyone else's knight in shining armor? He doesn't want you to **** all over that image, if so. Imagine he has the gonads to expect you and his freaking kids to wait until he can wean himself off some other teats. No shame whatsoever! Is this the first time you ever caught him red-handed?

I'd wait like a spider before I told his employer, in case you get stuck paying him alimony.

How are you holding up this afternoon?
 

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
@TXTrini I’m a mess all over again. I have good moments and really bad moments. It’s funny you mention eating because I’ve barley been able to stomach anything since Saturday. I’ve lost 4 lbs. I’m trying though. Even just little bites here and there. I just have this constant uneasy, nervous, sour, anxious feeling in my stomach. I don’t even feel like me at times. I’m sitting here typing this and I feel like I’m just an observer watching this train wreck and not being able to do anything about it. I just really deep down in my heart never ever ever thought he would do this. He’s never done anything even remotely close before. It’s just so hard to accept it.
And yes to your question, he definitely is the knight in shining armor. He goes out of his way to help others and project that image.
 

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@TXTrini I’m a mess all over again. I have good moments and really bad moments. It’s funny you mention eating because I’ve barley been able to stomach anything since Saturday. I’ve lost 4 lbs. I’m trying though. Even just little bites here and there. I just have this constant uneasy, nervous, sour, anxious feeling in my stomach. I don’t even feel like me at times. I’m sitting here typing this and I feel like I’m just an observer watching this train wreck and not being able to do anything about it. I just really deep down in my heart never ever ever thought he would do this. He’s never done anything even remotely close before. It’s just so hard to accept it.
And yes to your question, he definitely is the knight in shining armor. He goes out of his way to help others and project that image.
I was thinking of you this morning and wondering how you were holding up. Good for you! Eating in bits is better than nothing, but right now it's easy to get completely run down. The stress of everything took a huge physical toll on me, and I'm still dealing with much of the fallout. I don't mean to nag, but it's just to make sure you're not neglecting your health too much. How are the kids doing?

I want to reassure you of something, love. Please know that you're doing wonderfully, even if you don't feel like it this minute. This only JUST happened, with no indicators and you are still standing, holding down a job and caring for children. That is absolutely impressive, considering he "knocked you for 6", to use a cricket expression (the game).

It's going to be rough for a while, I won't lie, but you definitely have the mettle. I didn't see if you replied, but do you have any family closeby and did you get a chance to find a therapist for you? There's always someone on here if you need company, but I can't recommend therapy enough, it was a lifeline for me.
 

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Does anyone have any suggestions on how to find a therapist? Do I call my insurance?
Hmmm...I actually saw my previous marriage therapist and asked him to help me put myself together. He already knew our backstory but didn't accept insurance.

Ok, so I went looking, here are a few resources to check out:
 

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@TXTrini I’m a mess all over again. I have good moments and really bad moments. It’s funny you mention eating because I’ve barley been able to stomach anything since Saturday. I’ve lost 4 lbs. I’m trying though. Even just little bites here and there. I just have this constant uneasy, nervous, sour, anxious feeling in my stomach. I don’t even feel like me at times. I’m sitting here typing this and I feel like I’m just an observer watching this train wreck and not being able to do anything about it. I just really deep down in my heart never ever ever thought he would do this. He’s never done anything even remotely close before. It’s just so hard to accept it.
And yes to your question, he definitely is the knight in shining armor. He goes out of his way to help others and project that image.
This is exactly what I felt for a while. I also had panic attacks and intermittent crying where I would have to go hide from my kids.

I thought the same things as you, never thinking my WH would go so far, do what he did to me and his kids. Some days you feel strong and resolved, others you feel weak and about to fall to pieces. It’s what it does to you, it’s a trauma, deep and more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced. The triggers are everywhere.

Be gentle on yourself, this is normal, this is the process of coming to grips with what has been done to you. And it is a process, a long and painful one but it does have an end. It will not last forever. You will persevere.
 

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Does anyone have any suggestions on how to find a therapist? Do I call my insurance?
You can research therapists in your area (like google) and call and ask if they take your insurance. It took me a few tries to find one that fit, but that’s how I did it.
 

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He’s still living at home. To clarify my earlier post since it’s not super clear, when he apologized he said he wants to end his EA and stay with me. That he wanted me to trust that he would break it off with the OW but that it would take him a little time because of whatever reason he gave me I don’t even care at this point. That’s when I said yes I trust you take the time you need, but really I have no intention of staying with him and am looking into my options. For now I don’t want to give him any indication of that though. I’m just acting like nothing is wrong. Making sure the home is in order and the kids are happy and loved. But I do need to look up the 180 thing you all are mentioning.
And I have an appt for my yearly physical next week so I’ll be getting tested for sure although I am pretty sure we didn’t have sex once he started ****ing that POS woman.
I just want to scream and cry and throw things and take a sledgehammer to his car. I think the numbness I felt for the last 2 days is wearing off. Why do people cheat on their spouses??? If they are so unhappy why don’t they just leave??? How can anyone be ok destroying someone else’s life, and their own children’s lives???
you are doing the right thing. Do not let him know anything nor show him any weakness. Go to the gym and punch the boxing bag, vent to your friends, vent here online. Do the 180. You will go through the cycle of grief, it is perfectly normal as you have invested in a life with this man and he has done this. You are experiencing trauma but as each day goes by you will gain more and more strenght. go out for walks, take up running, anything to channel all the grief, anger, rage into.
 

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He still won’t admit it and won’t use the word “affair” but supposedly he ended the physical part once I found out. Apparently felt no guilt when I had no clue what he was doing but now that I know he feels guilty about it. So now he’s “working on” ending the emotional part.
The SOB! If he were truly remorseful he would cut her off immediately and not dangle you as if you were an option. He is more concerned about her feelings than yours. Use that information to go scorched earth on his ass. Get your ducks in a row and expose expose expose.
 

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Discussion Starter · #57 ·
Hey RMM6167,
How was your weekend?
Hi TXTrini - weekend was ok. He got me flowers for Mother’s Day. I just wanted to cry. I hope you had a nice weekend.
Anyway, he still hasn’t ended his affair. He’s trying to make me understand and be sympathetic because she’s going through a tough family situation so he just can’t end things right now to spare her more pain. But it’s ok that I’m feeling like sh*t every minute of every day. We had a massive argument on Monday and he flat out told me not to expect an apology or that he will beg for forgiveness because I know that’s not who he is. That was the last thing I needed to officially cut him off. I actually thought for a second that we might be able to reconcile but he has no remorse, he’s still with her, he hasn’t seen his kids in 3 days because he goes to work early before they wake up and comes home at 2 am, he just doesn’t f-ing care about anyone but himself. And he actually had the balls to ask me to trust him and have faith that he’ll end it at the right time. Am I in a dream? Am I being punked? I literally can’t believe this is happening. I’m in some alternate universe I just know it.
 

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I know that it had to be hard, but that argument was a good thing -- it opened your eyes and helped you see what you now need to do. He is DEEP if the fog of the affair.
YOU do not have to understand ANYTHING about his affair and tell him you have NO SYMPATHY for anything SHE is going through -- she is a person who is destroying YOUR family, so why exactly should you worry about HER family issues?
 

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I'm so sorry, love. I've been exactly where you are, and know how it feels. Those ice cold eyes just cut you to the heart, don't they? Thank God you can take care of yourself and the kids.

Unfortunately this is your life, but you're strong enough to handle it. This "man" doesn't deserve you. Btw, document his absence, he's neglecting his kids for some strange. Use it against him for custody.

Have you had a chance to see a lawyer yet?
 

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Hi TXTrini - weekend was ok. He got me flowers for Mother’s Day. I just wanted to cry. I hope you had a nice weekend.
Anyway, he still hasn’t ended his affair. He’s trying to make me understand and be sympathetic because she’s going through a tough family situation so he just can’t end things right now to spare her more pain. But it’s ok that I’m feeling like sh*t every minute of every day. We had a massive argument on Monday and he flat out told me not to expect an apology or that he will beg for forgiveness because I know that’s not who he is. That was the last thing I needed to officially cut him off. I actually thought for a second that we might be able to reconcile but he has no remorse, he’s still with her, he hasn’t seen his kids in 3 days because he goes to work early before they wake up and comes home at 2 am, he just doesn’t f-ing care about anyone but himself. And he actually had the balls to ask me to trust him and have faith that he’ll end it at the right time. Am I in a dream? Am I being punked? I literally can’t believe this is happening. I’m in some alternate universe I just know it.
I have actually said the same thing out loud to my friend! I was giggling and crying at the same time because it was SO RIDICULOUS what was happening to me. I yelled out “Am I being Punked? Ashton?!?!” My friend couldn’t help but laugh along...I hope you have a friend or family member you can talk to like this... it helps.

Take notes of these ridiculous things he says. Better yet start a whole journal. It helps to remind yourself in moments of weakness and sadness.

Have you read the chump lady’s book or perused her website?
 
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