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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need help. I’m in such a dark place right now. I have suspected that my husband was cheating on me for a few months now but I finally got my proof Saturday morning when I eavesdropped on his phone call. I confronted him and he confessed he’s in love with a coworker, he’s never been happier, and he’s not sorry it happened because she gave him something I wasn't giving him. He didn’t apologize. He said he was planning on ending it at some point and never telling me about it and just going back to being unhappy with me. We have two children so I am sure that’s the only reason he hasn’t left me. I asked him to end it now and he said it’s complicated because he doesn’t want to hurt her. He doesn’t care about hurting me though.
So I don’t know what to do. My first reaction was to ask for a separation but that would mean he would have joint custody of our kids and I just can’t let them go. They are literally the only good thing I have left. And honestly he never wanted them in the first place so I worry they wouldn’t be treated as well as they should be. My second option is to just stay and cling to the hope that he will end it like he says he will and that we can somehow salvage our marriage. But I feel like he doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me at all anymore. I’m just the mother of his children. He practically bit my head off when I called this an affair. And he doesn’t think I can make him happy ever again. Also he told the other woman that I found out and she asked him if they have a future together. He says he has been avoiding the question. But this woman is also married although going through a divorce so I fear once that happens he’s gone for good. He is adamant that he doesn’t want to divorce me because he doesn’t want the embarrassment of our family and friends finding out what he did. But it seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Meanwhile I’m heartbroken. I can barely eat. I can’t focus at work. I’m barely hanging on. Is there any hope for us? Could he change his mind once he ends his affair and want to work things out?
 

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I think you need to take a big unemotional step back and look at the situation from top down.

Do you really want this man as a husband or perhaps your just feeling scared and vulnerable right now.

Consider that if you take him back you may find yourself in the same position one day.... or perhaps as soon as that other lady is divorced.

Despiration isn’t a good look for anyone
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I think you need to take a big unemotional step back and look at the situation from top down.

Do you really want this man as a husband or perhaps your just feeling scared and vulnerable right now.

Consider that if you take him back you may find yourself in the same position one day.... or perhaps as soon as that other lady is divorced.

Despiration isn’t a good look for anyone
You’re absolutely right. I have always been a very emotional person but when I have moments of clarity I see the situation for what it is and I don’t want to be with this person. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to give up my kids. And that’s a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with.
 

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All cheaters lie a lot. Inform the other woman’s husband without telling your husband. That’s your first important step.

See at least 3 divorce attorneys for free consultations. Take control or your cheating husband will.

You are only a chump if you allow it.

You do not need his permission on anything.

Talk in these scenarios will get you nothing. Only your actions will count.
 

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You’re absolutely right. I have always been a very emotional person but when I have moments of clarity I see the situation for what it is and I don’t want to be with this person. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to give up my kids. And that’s a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with.
If you stay in this. It will be your life/future. Be careful what you teach your children. They learn most from their parents. Being a martyr is a thankless task.
 

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You’re absolutely right. I have always been a very emotional person but when I have moments of clarity I see the situation for what it is and I don’t want to be with this person. The only thing stopping me is not wanting to give up my kids. And that’s a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with.
You won't be giving up your children. Yes he will have visitation and at most maybe 50/50, but that can be worked out. Do you want your children growing up this way? Teach them how to respect oneself and file. Seek legal advice from an attorney and protect yourself. Just know it may not seem it now but it will be better for you and your children.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
All cheaters lie a lot. Inform the other woman’s husband without telling your husband. That’s your first important step.

See at least 3 divorce attorneys for free consultations. Take control or your cheating husband will.

You are only a chump if you allow it.

You do not need his permission on anything.

Talk in these scenarios will get you nothing. Only your actions will count.
The other woman is bisexual and is married to a woman. They are separated and I don’t know how to even contact her. My husband and this woman were connected through the HR director at their job if you can believe that. Everyone knew he was married.
I will look up divorce attorneys.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
You won't be giving up your children. Yes he will have visitation and at most maybe 50/50, but that can be worked out. Do you want your children growing up this way? Teach them how to respect oneself and file. Seek legal advice from an attorney and protect yourself. Just know it may not seem it now but it will be better for you and your children.
No I don’t want my children to grow up this way. I want them to know their mother is a strong self respecting woman. I do need to seek legal advice. I know the minute I ask for a divorce he will go on the defensive and I don’t know what he is capable of doing.
 

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The other woman is bisexual and is married to a woman. They are separated and I don’t know how to even contact her. My husband and this woman were connected through the HR director at their job if you can believe that. Everyone knew he was married.
I will look up divorce attorneys.
When you are interviewing attorneys look at recourse from the company for their actions in this. Any extra you can get. You’ll need it.
 

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Hi RMM6167,
Everyone has given you stellar advice and you seem to be thinking clearly. You already know what you have to do, even if you're afraid of the unknown. Reading your story was like reliving mine, except without children, down to you being very emotional and having moments of clarity.

Imagine, he put another woman's feelings above yours and his flesh and blood. Stone cold mofo. Your husband is a traitor to you and your children, you do not owe him any notice of what you think and do hereon out.

Definitely start seeing divorce lawyers. See a few of the best ones just to prevent your husband from engaging them. You need to learn your rights and the process before you make any serious moves.

Are you financially independent, employed? Do you have a support system? Friends, family? Even if you do, please consider getting counseling to help see you through this. Keep posting, someone will always be here to listen, commiserate and help. Have courage!
 

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No I don’t want my children to grow up this way. I want them to know their mother is a strong self respecting woman. I do need to seek legal advice. I know the minute I ask for a divorce he will go on the defensive and I don’t know what he is capable of doing.
Do not ask for a divorce. If you can, carry on as if nothing has changed while you do what you need to do. Take back your agency and act. He's been living a double life for God knows how long. You owe him no considerations any longer. Btw, if you have been sexually active, please schedule an appointment with your doctor and have an STD panel. The last thing you need now is illness on top of the ****storm your "loving" husband put you in.
 

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Gets your ducks in a row. This marriage is toast and deep down you know it. You deserve a man that loves you. This one is a dishonest, unfaithful jerk that will get his just desserts soon enough. Lawyer up. For your benefit and your children's future!

What a pair these two cheaters will make. They deserve what's coming. Don't fear. The end is inevitable. Take control of the driver's seat. He doesn't have you or your children's best interest.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hi RMM6167,
Everyone has given you stellar advice and you seem to be thinking clearly. You already know what you have to do, even if you're afraid of the unknown. Reading your story was like reliving mine, except without children, down to you being very emotional and having moments of clarity.

Imagine, he put another woman's feelings above yours and his flesh and blood. Stone cold mofo. Your husband is a traitor to you and your children, you do not owe him any notice of what you think and do hereon out.

Definitely start seeing divorce lawyers. See a few of the best ones just to prevent your husband from engaging them. You need to learn your rights and the process before you make any serious moves.

Are you financially independent, employed? Do you have a support system? Friends, family? Even if you do, please consider getting counseling to help see you through this. Keep posting, someone will always be here to listen, commiserate and help. Have courage!
I’m so sorry you went through this as well. I really do appreciate all the advice. It’s helping me so much to keep a clear mind. I am employed and actually make more money than he does so I know that will factor in. I do have a very close friend that I have confided in but am looking into counseling as well. I imagine I have a long road ahead of me.
 

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I’m so sorry you went through this as well. I really do appreciate all the advice. It’s helping me so much to keep a clear mind. I am employed and actually make more money than he does so I know that will factor in. I do have a very close friend that I have confided in but am looking into counseling as well. I imagine I have a long road ahead of me.
Thank you. Unfortunately, many of us have this in common, that's why we truly feel for you and have your best interest at heart.

You're way ahead of the game, being financially independent. I don't think your road will be as long as you think, you seem clear-minded and decisive. Of course you'll have to work out custodial arrangements, but one thing at a time.

For now, indulge in some self-care, you need to be as strong as you can to take care of you and your children. Keep posting, we're happy to be your very own cheer squad!
 

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Inform the other woman’s husband without telling your husband. That’s your first important step.
Then tell both of your families as well as your friends too, before he comes up with a story/excuse of why you are so terrible that he just had to cheat. Besides, why would you want to keep that secret for him? That's what he wants.

No matter how many times he tells his bull story, you didn't make him cheat. He made a choice to be selfish and to lie and to sneak around and to cheat on his wife, children, family, etc.
 

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Honey, at least he confessed! Mine hasn't and it drives me crazy! If he cheated once, he will cheat again. You CANNOT "salvage a marriage" it's like once a fruit is bad, you can't make it brand new! Probably sexual attraction etc... once people start living together, desire, sexual fantasy fades in many couples and then bills come and bills need to be paid etc.... You need to start saving money for yourself and try to get a job! If you have a formal education, if you have work, it's great but I'd just leave him! You deserve better!!! How can you live with a man who had sex with another woman behind your back??? In my book it's a betrayal! Not just a betrayal of you but he betrayed his entire family!! I am so sorry! But be strong, stay strong for your children! I'd leave if financially I could! File for divorce and have him pay child support and your alimony as well! That other woman probably would not want that loser anyway
 

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He’s given you a few hints about what he wants and doesn’t want - he mentioned he doesn’t want friends and family to know? This is his greatest fear and the one thing that will blow up his fantasy.

So instead of you being hurt and ashamed, please don’t feel guilty for putting the shame and guilt back to him - tell them!

It’s a gift you give to yourself as well as him and your kids. If he’s that sure of his feelings and what he wants, why hide who he is and the repercussions? He can’t dictate the terms.

Anyway, it’s a major clue when they tell you not to tell loved ones that they’re not ready to face the music.
 
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