[lostandconfused24]

It's a bit of a long story, but I'll try to narrow it down a tad....

I met him 4 years ago. I was a single mother, and he loved me anyway. He proposed, we found out we were pregnant (I was on birth control), got married, and everything seemed perfect. Six months after my youngest was born, I had a freak out moment.... I wanted to go out and enjoy our lives outside of being "grown ups", but he didn't want to hear it. I started going out with my friends instead. I ran into a friend I had for years, and one thing led to another. I continued the affair for a couple weeks, but couldn't take it much more. One night, his parents went through something that was extremely difficult for him to handle. He turned to me for support, but I felt like such a horrible person that I had to tell him what I had done. He cried, then begged me not to leave, then did something I never expected....

He told me that he wanted me to “show him that I love him.” He then proceeded to forcibly take off my clothes and force himself on me. I begged him to stop, and eventually, he did. I left that night with my children, and never went back. That was almost a year ago. Now I want people to know something about him before they call him bad names and tell me I need to report him…… He is an amazing person. He would bend over backwards for anyone and loves his children more than most people could ever dream of….. What he did that night was not him. He worships me, and he has been in therapy (so have I) ever since. Have I forgiven him? No…. But I understand it.

Here’s my problem…. I continued to see this man I had an affair with after my husband and I separated. Is he good for me? No. But he’s been there for me when I needed him the most. Everything I once felt for my husband, I now feel for him, but more… My husband wants to work this out. I wanted to as well recently, but when I try to feel something for him, nothing is there anymore. Nothing. I get angry a lot quicker with him, and I can’t stand even thinking about being intimate with him. I feel awful because this is all my fault. I had a sudden flash of selfishness that destroyed my entire family….. But I’m having a hard time forcing myself to love him again.

What do I do? Do I stay with the guy I had an affair with? Or do I try to fix my family? I know some will tell me to just be alone, and I promise, I did that for a couple months too. I’m just not happy anymore. My life is an absolute mess, and I want to make everyone happy, but it’s killing me………. Help me, please!

 

[Machiavelli]

You owe your husband a favor. Give him one. Stay with your affair partner.

 

[sandc]

Sorry hon, cheaters don't get much sympathy here. Consider me snotty as well. Let your husband find some one who deserves him.

 

[sandc]

Well done grasshopper.

 

[Badblood]

OP, I think that as time passes, your husband will begin to see the real you and not want you anymore, so I really don't think you will have a problem with it in the future. The best thing you can do for him is to stay away, until he is over you. Then you need to work on yourself and leave the men alone until you can be a trustworthy partner.

 

[ing]

It's a bit of a long story, but I'll try to narrow it down a tad....

I met him 4 years ago. I was a single mother, and he loved me anyway. He proposed, we found out we were pregnant (I was on birth control), got married, and everything seemed perfect. Six months after my youngest was born, I had a freak out moment.... I wanted to go out and enjoy our lives outside of being "grown ups", but he didn't want to hear it. I started going out with my friends instead. I ran into a friend I had for years, and one thing led to another. I continued the affair for a couple weeks, but couldn't take it much more. One night, his parents went through something that was extremely difficult for him to handle. He turned to me for support, but I felt like such a horrible person that I had to tell him what I had done. He cried, then begged me not to leave, then did something I never expected....

He told me that he wanted me to “show him that I love him.” He then proceeded to forcibly take off my clothes and force himself on me. I begged him to stop, and eventually, he did. I left that night with my children, and never went back. That was almost a year ago. Now I want people to know something about him before they call him bad names and tell me I need to report him…… He is an amazing person. He would bend over backwards for anyone and loves his children more than most people could ever dream of….. What he did that night was not him. He worships me, and he has been in therapy (so have I) ever since. Have I forgiven him? No…. But I understand it.

Here’s my problem…. I continued to see this man I had an affair with after my husband and I separated. Is he good for me? No. But he’s been there for me when I needed him the most. Everything I once felt for my husband, I now feel for him, but more… My husband wants to work this out. I wanted to as well recently, but when I try to feel something for him, nothing is there anymore. Nothing. I get angry a lot quicker with him, and I can’t stand even thinking about being intimate with him. I feel awful because this is all my fault. I had a sudden flash of selfishness that destroyed my entire family….. But I’m having a hard time forcing myself to love him again.

What do I do? Do I stay with the guy I had an affair with? Or do I try to fix my family? I know some will tell me to just be alone, and I promise, I did that for a couple months too. I’m just not happy anymore. My life is an absolute mess, and I want to make everyone happy, but it’s killing me………. Help me, please!

You will never be able to have the feelings for the man you loved and loved you while you are banging someone else.
I suspect you are flip flopping too which is making it hard for your H to let go.
1. Dump the BF
OR
2. Dump the H forever.


You already dumped H and your family. Any chance for your kids for that too. Your choice.

Your H will let go and you will be alone. The AP will dump you when you no longer have any value. Soon BTW.

 

[Machiavelli]

Wow. No need to be rude please. My husband won't accept that it's over. Hence my dilemma
I don't need any snottiness.
Posted via Mobile Device

Who's being rude? You asked for advice and I was forthcoming.

 

[Torrivien]

I'm going to try and be constructive without hurting your feelings by bying sarcastic.
We won't call your husband any name because even if he was about to do something stupid and hurtful, he found the force to restraint himself, which can't be said about you.

This isn't a dilemma, this is you wrecking your marriage, not wanting to do anything about it and still wanting to find a way to save your image.
I think the best thing you can do is to invite your husband to this forum so we can tell him about the 180 and what he can do to forget you.

Oh, and you came to a marriage forum to ask our opinion about whether staying or leaving the affair partner ? You can't blame people for being "rude". You're begging us to be obnoxious to you.

I'm not sarcastic about your husband being in this forum. I do think he needs some advice, guidance and tips on how to see you for what you are. Because clearly you influenced him.

 

[Dollystanford]

If you have to 'force' yourself to try and love your husband you never will. Let him go and find someone else

re: the single mother issue - to lump all single mothers into one slvtty pot is pretty harsh dudes

 

[DavidWYoung]

We are not trying to be rude, very sorry if you feel this way. Here is the problem. You broke your man, and when he tried to fix it you broke him again.
You two were having a power struggle and you won! Now go to the other man and let your husband heal and find a women that will love him and make him happy. David

 

[angelpixie]

If you have to 'force' yourself to try and love your husband you never will. Let him go and find someone else

re: the single mother issue - to lump all single mothers into one slvtty pot is pretty harsh dudes

Absolutely. If Dolly hadn't have said it, I would have. In your 'tell it like it is' mentality, then, for every single mother, there's a father that walked away and didn't take care of his child, right? And they should all be shunned when it comes to future relationships, too, right? You don't know everyone's situation.

And maybe I read the OP's post wrong, but didn't he attempt to rape her? Even if they were married, he has no right to force himself on her. I'd find it pretty damned impossible to become intimate with someone that did that, too.

I'm not excusing the OP's affair. I'm just making note of the rather obvious misogyny here.

 

[BjornFree]

OP, you're trying to play the victim card, on people who are very wise to this tactic. You're not the victim, so you won't convince anyone to help you when you're in the 'woe is me' mode.

 

[BjornFree]

Absolutely. If Dolly hadn't have said it, I would have. In your 'tell it like it is' mentality, then, for every single mother, there's a father that walked away and didn't take care of his child, right? And they should all be shunned when it comes to future relationships, too, right? You don't know everyone's situation.

The kid(broken at 20) doesn't have issues with single mothers. Its just that the wise boy won't date them, given the baggage they come with. And honestly, neither would I. i see nothing wrong with stating one's preferences

 

[warlock07]

Do you work? 'Or are you a Stay at home mom?

 

[michzz]

I think you need time NOT with any man.

One guy is willing to intrude on a marriage with you.

The other had an angry impulse to sexually assault you finding that out.

And you choose to be inappropriate while married.

Seriously, I think you need to NOT be with either of them and find out why you behave destructively.

And why you are attracted to men who treat you badly.

The confusing thing for you is that they don't treat you badly 100% of the time and you don't behave badly 100% of the time either.

Learn about yourself, once you have a better handle on you only then consider romance.

 

[angelpixie]

Considering that marriage has very little upside for males (these days we can get sex very easily) and potentially an enormous downside, not just emotional but economic, men have to play the short odds. A woman with kids on her own is already telling us something about herself.

Yes, that she's a responsible parent who is staying with her child. I was a virgin when I met my husband. He cheated on me and left me. I have a child. Do I need to tell that story every time I meet a man to justify why I should be given a chance at a future relationship? So that I meet some kind of moral 'worth' test? Or do I abandon my child so that I can be solely devoted to 'my man'? If that's what you are saying, then fvck you and every man who thinks like you.

 

[lostandconfused24]

Ok, let me clarify.... I cheated, yes, but I also confessed in all hopes to save my marriage. It wasn't an "almost" incident what he did in response. He forced himself in me. He just didn't finish. I, however, have had an extremely hard time coming to terms with that. Now, the boyfriend, he isn't actually a boyfriend. Turns out it's difficult starting a new relationship when you're still devastated by the last. I realize asking a ton of anonymous strangers who have no idea who I am or how difficult this has been is probably a stupid thing to do, but I'm not sure where else to go. Sad thing was, I actually really did love my husband.... I don't know what came over me. But now? Now I can't be that person he thinks I will be anymore. I know most of you are getting off on bashing a "cheater" (by the way, that was my first and only time to do something like that, and I feel like a horrible person because of it), but to those of you who actually have real advice, it would be very appreciated. Thanks...
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Machiavelli]

In your 'tell it like it is' mentality, then, for every single mother, there's a father that walked away and didn't take care of his child, right?

That means the woman spread 'em for the wrong Alpha toad and got the predictable result.

And they should all be shunned when it comes to future relationships, too, right?

Certainly for relationships with 20 year old men, like broken. On the other hand a 50 year old man of means might be more than willing to take on a 25 year old with a little kid or two. It could be a very good fit for them both.

You don't know everyone's situation.

What makes sense for a older man may be complete insanity for a young man. See above.

And maybe I read the OP's post wrong, but didn't he attempt to rape her? Even if they were married, he has no right to force himself on her. I'd find it pretty damned impossible to become intimate with someone that did that, too.

If so, he should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, since this has been illegal since 1993 in all 50 states. And that's yet another reason for OP to stay away from her BH. Thanks for confirming my opinion on the OP.

I'm not excusing the OP's affair. I'm just making note of the rather obvious misogyny here.

Misogyny is the hatred of women. We aren't even hating on the OP, much less all women. I like how any criticism of female misbehavior is always labeld "misogyny." Funny sh!t.

 

[angelpixie]

I was speaking of your dismissal of the worth of all single mothers, and you know that.

 

[Kasler]

Forgive him? Hes should also be the one forgiving you. You did act like a slvt and cheat on your husband.

Some are good, but in general single mothers are such cans of worms, even while excluding the ones looking for a guy to play daddy to their kids.

You're not even remorseful. Do your husband a favor and divorce. Theres no need for him to live his like with such an uncaring cheater. You would seriously be doing him a good deed because then he can go out and find a woman who only opens her legs for the one man shes chosen.

Have him served, that way he has no choice in.

You can be with your OM

And he gets to find a woman with morals and decency who can love and respect him as a proper wife should.

Win win.