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I triple the conviction this is not true at all, as I have a dear, best friend who just doesn't do oral, and it's not because she's a stick in the mud--she had a traumatic incident when she was younger and even after going to counseling, she just decided that oral is not for her. She does other stuff happily and willingly...not oral. It's okay for people to have a boundary about what is and is not part of sexual pleasure for them.

Now @ImAnIdiot , you have been given some great advice about suicide. If you are not suicidal, then just don't make that statement lightly. If you are suicidal, call the hotline or go to the ER. I worked the graveyard shift on a hotline and stayed up all night with a couple people to make sure they got what they needed, so calling is a great option.

So rather than repeat all that great advice, I'm going to just agree with those suggestions and instead focus on some thoughts about your situation. I would like to very gently challenge you to be honest...with yourself and with us. You say that you had a perfect family and a perfect marriage, and yet you not only thought about seeing a prostitute, and you not only went once and then quit, but you went several times, kind of regularly. Thus, SOMETHING was missing--but maybe not from your partner. It may be something missing within you! Something was not all roses and rainbows. And I challenge you to accept that it wasn't "because she wouldn't give you oral"!! That's blameshifting. Be honest with yourself and with us: you had a lot for which you could have been grateful and you wanted more. You wanted it badly enough to take action, over and over.

@ImAnIdiot , every choice in life has a cost and a benefit. The cost of having a perfect family and a suburban home is that you life honestly and behave faithfully--the benefit is that you have a spouse who is a life partner, children who grow into good adults, and the white picket fence. The cost is high: ONE sexual partner. The benefit is also pretty high.

The cost of infidelity is obliterating the intimacy of your marriage. Even if you were still civil and pleasant with your family as you cheated, your actions were the equivalent of dropping an atomic bomb on the trust and closeness that IS the intimacy of marriage. With the marriage in smithereens, the family is also often destroyed. And that is the price you pay when you commit adultery. The sooner you accept that the natural consequence of cheating is killing your family, the better, because then you will understand WHY there is no second chance or no way to make it right. What "was" is DEAD and can not be brought back to life. Now infidelity does have a benefit. You got the thrill of the sexuality. You felt "desireable" or sexy. You got to orgasm. Even if you paid for it, I'm sure the professionals did make you feel intoxicated. So you got the benefit--and now you are experiencing the cost.

Just so you know, I'm not speaking to you from a place of judgement. I was unfaithful myself, and I know the typical thinking pattern of cheaters: "I deserve the change to make up for it. I can't believe I actually have to pay the cost for my choice!" Well, this is a harsh lesson, but it's a lesson nonetheless! All choices have a cost and a benefit. It is right and reasonable for your wife to allow you to actually experience the cost of this choice. I am very sorry that it is a painful cost for you, but I am also deeply sorry that your wife behaved in mostly an honorable way and has to pay the cost of having her entire world smash into dust so small it just can not be rebuilt.

So instead of thinking of yourself, and how much you hurt, and how hard it is for you to lose your family, and YOU, YOU, YOU...I challenge you to walk a mile in your wife's shoes. Think of how hard it is for her to lose her security. Think how hard it is for her to lose the future she thought she had. Think of how she must feel that you were not satisfied with her. Etc. I know these are very, VERY hard sentences to read, but thinking of others rather than yourself is one way you can begin to show compassion.
 

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From a certain angle this does sound like this may be what the W was looking for.

Moderator Note and a public warning.

Making assumptions that OP's wife was somehow waiting for her husband to cheat is not going to help the OP deal with the fallout from HIS infidelity. It's only going to detract and cause side arguments. Stop or risk getting banned.
 

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It's all been said here OP, you really do reap what you sow. However, you must be a father to your children. That will not change. Your wife has every right to divorce you.
And I do not like your 'name' no you were not an idiot, you knew exactly what you were doing over a protracted period of time, you just thought you would not get caught.
Saying you were an idiot minimizes the nuclear bomb you have placed in your own life and the life of your family. So the first thing to do is to recognize the severity of what you have done, the damage you have caused, which in all probability will never be healed. Also get over yourself and the 'oh woe is me' syndrome, your selfishness got your here, now it is time to grow up become less selfish and help your family.
 

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my old college track coach used to say: "distance runners are as tough as a boiled owl!"

well, being 'tough as a boiled owl' isn't just about the lonely physical pain of a long distance runner, but about being tough mentally and enduring the pain and the tough
times we go through even if self inflicted. this is part of being a man with a family too. it's not just you you're living for. you've got to be tough. you've got to endure the pain.
don't ignore it. embrace it. not in the sense that "i love pain", but in the sense that "i screwed up. i caused pain. now iv'e got to be a man and live with it, and come out stronger for it."

this is your first step in becoming that better man. being a real man isn't so much about victory and success. it's about going through the tough times and coming out stronger.
it's less about winning and more about enduring the pain and finishing. in the long run you will become that better man. life isn't a sprint. it's a long distance race.
 

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As I said, I don't blame her at all. She was raised in a very traditional strict kind of environment, I was her first and she has never, ever performed oral on me, it was not that she was not into me, it's just the way she is. She still loved me up until that point from what she told me, she said that I hurt her so much because I betrayed her total love for me.

I've been trying to talk to my wife, but couldn't she asked me not to be in the same room with her, and all my kids have been avoiding me, they don't want to talk to me either. Aside from the time doing work (from home), I'm just sitting in the dark with all the guilt, the regrets, the sorrow, just very depressed, the total isolation is driving me crazy that made me just want to end it all. I feel so helpless that my wife and kids are not giving me a chance to make things right.

But anyway, thanks for all the responses.
So you need to get into IC for yourself -- AND to show your wife that you are serious about doing the work necessary to figure out WHY you did this and prevent it ever happening again.
YOU need to do the work to show her you are remorseful, NOT her. I think a book was mentioned earlier "How to help your spouse heal from an affair". Buy it TODAY and read it. Implement the plans to help HER.
 

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Update:
I approached my wife, I begged to give me a chance to speak, and she can think about it after.
I told her that I have thought hard in the last few days and I have realized that I was so blinded by my sexual desire that I completely lost my moral value, my dignity and committed this despicable crime against my marriage and ruined my family. The thought of a divorce and a picture of us living apart is killing me, I can't imagine my life without my wife and kids, I now realize that I love her very much, we've spend over 30 years together and it will be devastated to both of us to throw it away. I understand that she probably would not believe anything I say or promise, but I now have realized that I so much cherish this beautiful family that we've built together, if I can get a second chance, I will devote the rest of my life making it up to her.
She said the wound I gave her is so deep, she's still in so much pain, she needs to think about it.
That was all I was hoping for.
 

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Update:
I approached my wife, I begged to give me a chance to speak, and she can think about it after.
I told her that I have thought hard in the last few days and I have realized that I was so blinded by my sexual desire that I completely lost my moral value, my dignity and committed this despicable crime against my marriage and ruined my family. The thought of a divorce and a picture of us living apart is killing me, I can't imagine my life without my wife and kids, I now realize that I love her very much, we've spend over 30 years together and it will be devastated to both of us to throw it away. I understand that she probably would not believe anything I say or promise, but I now have realized that I so much cherish this beautiful family that we've built together, if I can get a second chance, I will devote the rest of my life making it up to her.
She said the wound I gave her is so deep, she's still in so much pain, she needs to think about it.
That was all I was hoping for.
You are still in the house and were not totally dismissed.
You have that going for you.
You need to start your quest to be a better person immediately.
Get some appropriate self help books about infidelity. Learn them and implement them.
Make arrangements for therapy. Attend them. Demonstrate what you learn.
Make amends to your family. Demonstrate remorse and show you are worthy of a second chance,
If you are granted a second chance, don't screw up. Not many, get a third.
 

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@ImAnIdiot,

I would strongly recommend one thing: stop talking. Talk is cheap. SUPER cheap. All your promises up one side and down the other, on someone's grave, on your kids' lives...all of that is worthless now, and I mean it's not worth the hot air you are using to puff across your vocal chords.

What will carry much, Much, MUCH more weight is real, true action. In other words, don't promise her you'll be a better man, because she married who she thought was a better man and your actions showed her otherwise! So now let your actions begin the process of building all over again. Don't "promise to go to counseling"--stop writing to us and do some research who your insurance covers and who you feel comfortable with, and make an appointment. Then go to the appointment on your own, without her "helping" or "reminding" you, and you do the hard work that the counselor asks of you! Stop avoiding the hard questions. Stop avoiding yourself. Stop minimizing your choices and the damage you did. Just be honest with yourself, work hard on actually being a better man, and do not cover up one, single thing. If she finds even the smallest little thing that you've covered up, you are done for!

Again, I've been in your shoes and I know how scary it can feel to be that honest. It's like walking in public naked! But she is your life partner and you made a sacred vow to learn to love her (not "to be loved and happy all the time"). If you stop talking and making promises, start ACTING and living in a way that shows growth and learning your lesson, and start opening up and being transparently honest, there is the possibility of a chance. But I would like you to fully and completely grasp this fact: the natural consequence of repeatedly choosing to go to prostititutes and hide it from your wife IS loss of your wife and family. That would be you getting what is warranted for infidelity. If you accept that and begin to understand that you are not "owed" a second chance, you may appreciate it much more deeply.
 

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Op all you can do is start independent therapy and show that you will do what it takes to save the marriage.

There are books on how to help you partner heal after cheating.

Order them and read them.

Ask her what she needs for you.

Write out a timeline of what you did.

Give her all of your accounts and passwords.

Turn on location service on your phone.

Let her know when you leave work or other places.

Ask her to give it a few months to make her decision and you will honor what she decides to do.

She will not believe a word you say. Your actions are going to have to speak for you.

Your wife needs space but you need to be there as well. Make sure she isn’t having to clean up after you. Take on the responsibilities she had around the house So she can do what she needs to to heal.

I would tell your wife to file for divorce if she was on here. For one reason alone, she caught you. You didn’t feel guilty enough to confess what you had done.
 

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I want to point out to you that the Suicide thing is very much the same kind of thinking that led to the prostitute. You need to start living your life with some courage my friend. Not looking for the quick fix to solve your problems. It may be true that your marriage is over but it sure as hell will be and you will destroy your kids if you kill yourself.

Get yourself some counseling. Get the book Surviving Infidelity. Write your wife a timeline of events even if it was just one time. Write your wife a true letter of apology that doesn't say anything about where she didn't give you want you felt entitled to or that you want to stay together. Just that you are sorry period. I did this and I am sorry. Fall on your sword so to speak. Don't expect to stay married but you still have to be a good father and man in this world. Work on that, and maybe your wife will see the difference and give you a second chance but even if she doesn't if you have truly learned your lesson everyone is entitled to a second chance in life but it may have to be with someone else.

You need to be brave, this isn't the end of your life, just a hard part of it.
 

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Are you already thinking about how soon you can ask her if she's thought about it? Have you started on that timeline? If not, why not? Just what does 'making it up to her' mean to you? What will it look like?

It's pretty obvious that you just want to rugsweep your five-year lapse of fidelity and promise you won't do it again and live happily ever after. It doesn't work that way. If your wife decides to give you a chance and if you actually do any of the work required to reconcile, it will still take 2-5 years before your marriage actually looks like a marriage. Or, you may put in the work and she still kicks you to the curb. That's your reality.

BTW, that bid for attention by using the word suicide was pathetic. No way were you contemplating ending your life.

Now, give your wife some damn space!
 

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You used the phrase “it would be devastating to throw it away”... yeah dude, you already threw it away. And if your wife files for divorce...which she should... don’t you DARE throw those words at her. Because you already did that. Divorce is just her taking care of herself and cleaning up the mess that YOU made. You don’t deserve to stay married to her and you should respect whatever decision she comes to. Pull yourself together and fix the relationships with your kids.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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My take away is you need to figure out why you're so selfish. It's all about you.

Fulfilling a sexual desire and damn well knowing you could be risking your marriage and family if busted.

Well now you've been busted and it's ALL about poor you....so much so that you're contemplating doing THE most selfish thing a person could do (killing yourself) because you didn't get what you want??

Nobody put a pistol to your head and made you had kids. Their needs come above yours.

What kind of lesson are you going to be teaching them that when you mess up (or things don't go your way) you KILL YOURSELF???

Do you know that the odds of children who have a parent who commit suicide skyrocket on doing the same thing.

Quit being a damn wimp and face the music.

Your wife feels this way now.
Maybe it works out with her but then again maybe it won't but how the hell would you know if you bring a permanent solution to something that might be short term?

If it doesn't work out well your kids WILL come around at some point and they will need you the rest of their lives for crying out loud!!

Do you want to **** them up even more?

It's one thing having your parents divorce it's EARTH SHATTERING having your dad off himself.

Go get help my friend.
Your emotions are leading you right now and emotions can (and DO) change all the time. Hell they can change countless times in one day.

Have the guts to see this through.
If not for yourself but for your kids.

I know what I've written is tough to read but you need to hear this.

You WILL get through this and things may play out the way you don't want it to but you'll adjust and life will go on.

Graduations.
Children getting married.
Walking your daughter down the aisle (if you have a daughter).
Grandchildren.
Birthdays.
Christmas.
Coming to you for advice.

I could go on and on.

Stop being so damn selfish and from here forward do what's in the best interest of your kids (and they NEED their dad) even if they're mad/disappointed in you right now.

They WILL work through it but only if you're around.

Hang in there and I will say a prayer for you!
 

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I have (or now I should say I've had) a wonderful family that anyone could have dreamt of.
A wonderful wife of 25 years who has dedicated her entire life to raising her family,
we have 3 great kids (1 teen & 2 young adults), a beautiful suburban home and very financially stable.

My wife is a beautiful woman, smart, witty, and talented in almost everything
(fashion, cooking, gardening, singing, dancing, even minor household repairs),
she worked hard all the time but somehow still managed to maintain a beautiful home.

I don't want to lose my wonderful wife and this beautiful family, but I don't know what to do,
I I will keep trying and trying, but if I can't get her back, I think I'm going to end my life,
as now I realize that I can't go on living without my wife and kids in my life.
To me, I already destroyed my family, so if I can't pull it back together,
I might as well go ahead and destroy my pathetic life too.
So help me God.
Honesty is the best option forward.
NO LIES, TRICKLE TRUTH or DENIALS! EVER!
100% pure raw honesty!

She will suffer a lot, be there for her.
Comfort her.
Apologize every day, many times a day.
Offer to move out, if necessary.
Sleep in the guestroom, or on the couch.
Test yourself for STIs/STDs ASAP.

Your wife will face depression, PTSD, pain, agony, rage, bitterness, sadness, low self esteem, suicide thoughts, hate.
Kids will most likely hate you if they find the truth.
She will not eat and sleep well.
She will lash out on you.

Good luck...
Stay strong...
 

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I have (or now I should say I've had) a wonderful family that anyone could have dreamt of. A wonderful wife of 25 years who has dedicated her entire life to raising her family, we have 3 great kids (1 teen & 2 young adults), a beautiful suburban home and very financially stable.

My wife is a beautiful woman, smart, witty, and talented in almost everything (fashion, cooking, gardening, singing, dancing, even minor household repairs), she worked hard all the time but somehow still managed to maintain a beautiful home.

Our sex life is okay, not great steamy hot all the time, but satisfactory for the most part. One thing that I've always felt missing is the oral sex, she enjoyed receiving but would not provide it, she said she was disgusted by it, I enjoy giving her oral and I've asked her from time to time over the years to try giving me oral but she just flatly refused it, and the last time I asked she told me not to ask again. I just want to clarify that I'm providing the full story and NOT trying to blame my wife, I am the idiot who wrecked our marriage, her refusing to give oral does NOT in any way gave me the right to cheat on her. But I did, I don't know why I kept fantasizing about it, and some time between 3-5 years ago I decided to see a prostitute to satisfy my fantasy just once. I remember feeling so guilty afterwards, but a few months later I wanted to get that feeling again, and the cheating started, my selfish sexual desire had clouded my judgement and moral value, I was telling myself I was doing it because she refused (I know, I realize now that I was such an idiot to let the stupid little head overriding the big head). And I became a pathetic lying cheater ever since, I went to see a prostitute maybe once every 1-2 months.

It's true that "All secrets and lies will eventually come out", my wife found out. She was shocked, and she was hurt so much because she completely trusted me in everything. My heart sank when I saw her reaction, I know she was in so much pain, like her whole world had just crumbled around her, she could barely kept herself up. At that moment I suddenly just woke up and realized what I have done! It's been a couple of days now, she has determined that we're so done, she can't stand looking at me any more as she hates me so much now. I don't blame her, we have such a wonderful family and I destroyed it because I selfishly wanted to satisfy a stupid sexual desire. Even my kids now don't want to look at me after they found out.

I regret so much, I pleaded with her, I begged her to give another chance but she said she couldn't bring herself to even look at me. I still love her so much with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to her, but she said she just can't be with me any more, and she can never trust anything I say any more, she said she had lost all the love for me, just the feeling of disgusted and hatred, I gave her a cut into her soul so deep with a scar that can never be healed.

I don't want to lose my wonderful wife and this beautiful family, but I don't know what to do, I I will keep trying and trying, but if I can't get her back, I think I'm going to end my life, as now I realize that I can't go on living without my wife and kids in my life. To me, I already destroyed my family, so if I can't pull it back together, I might as well go ahead and destroy my pathetic life too. So help me God.
Please seek help by seeing a therapist and family counseling , you are worth living and the world is a better place with you in it . Everyone makes mistakes and have flaws you have own your mistake but you must give yourself and your wife and family time to heal , adjust to this information . You and your family can benefit with assistance from a therapist I wish you and your family the best .
 

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Get a counselor right away. Keep going even if your wife does decide to divorce you.

You have to understand that your choice to see prostitutes is selfish. Your choice to threaten suicide, even if you were being honest, is selfish. Begging your wife for a second chance is selfish. You're still operating under the same selfish mindset that got you into this mess.

You have to start putting your wife and kids first. That means getting help for yourself and learning to focus on your kids no matter what happens in your marriage. That means calmly accepting your wife's choice if she chooses divorce and not trying to manipulate her with threats and complaints about her not giving you another chance like you just did. She does not owe you a second chance. She does not owe you any more time just because she spent 30 years with you. Clearly that didn't work out so well for her. Your best bet is becoming someone she wants to give another chance to before she makes her decision and regardless of her decision.
 

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Stop playing the victim. You cheated, not only once. If oral sex was so important to you, more than having e everything else, then you should have left her. You have to understand her, she can’t forgive you that easy even if she still loves you, not right now. Give her time and learn from your mistake. Be better for you kuds, for yourself.
 
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