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I have (or now I should say I've had) a wonderful family that anyone could have dreamt of. A wonderful wife of 25 years who has dedicated her entire life to raising her family, we have 3 great kids (1 teen & 2 young adults), a beautiful suburban home and very financially stable.

My wife is a beautiful woman, smart, witty, and talented in almost everything (fashion, cooking, gardening, singing, dancing, even minor household repairs), she worked hard all the time but somehow still managed to maintain a beautiful home.

Our sex life is okay, not great steamy hot all the time, but satisfactory for the most part. One thing that I've always felt missing is the oral sex, she enjoyed receiving but would not provide it, she said she was disgusted by it, I enjoy giving her oral and I've asked her from time to time over the years to try giving me oral but she just flatly refused it, and the last time I asked she told me not to ask again. I just want to clarify that I'm providing the full story and NOT trying to blame my wife, I am the idiot who wrecked our marriage, her refusing to give oral does NOT in any way gave me the right to cheat on her. But I did, I don't know why I kept fantasizing about it, and some time between 3-5 years ago I decided to see a prostitute to satisfy my fantasy just once. I remember feeling so guilty afterwards, but a few months later I wanted to get that feeling again, and the cheating started, my selfish sexual desire had clouded my judgement and moral value, I was telling myself I was doing it because she refused (I know, I realize now that I was such an idiot to let the stupid little head overriding the big head). And I became a pathetic lying cheater ever since, I went to see a prostitute maybe once every 1-2 months.

It's true that "All secrets and lies will eventually come out", my wife found out. She was shocked, and she was hurt so much because she completely trusted me in everything. My heart sank when I saw her reaction, I know she was in so much pain, like her whole world had just crumbled around her, she could barely kept herself up. At that moment I suddenly just woke up and realized what I have done! It's been a couple of days now, she has determined that we're so done, she can't stand looking at me any more as she hates me so much now. I don't blame her, we have such a wonderful family and I destroyed it because I selfishly wanted to satisfy a stupid sexual desire. Even my kids now don't want to look at me after they found out.

I regret so much, I pleaded with her, I begged her to give another chance but she said she couldn't bring herself to even look at me. I still love her so much with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to her, but she said she just can't be with me any more, and she can never trust anything I say any more, she said she had lost all the love for me, just the feeling of disgusted and hatred, I gave her a cut into her soul so deep with a scar that can never be healed.

I don't want to lose my wonderful wife and this beautiful family, but I don't know what to do, I I will keep trying and trying, but if I can't get her back, I think I'm going to end my life, as now I realize that I can't go on living without my wife and kids in my life. To me, I already destroyed my family, so if I can't pull it back together, I might as well go ahead and destroy my pathetic life too. So help me God.
 

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I'm not trying to be mean here but want to be very clear on the following:

You have already hurt your marriage and family with selfish actions. Now you are talking about taking your own life. This is an even more profoundly selfish act that would only serve to destroy your wife and children. Sure, you will not be here to see the horror you have brought into their lives. But is this really what you want to do to them? If not.. .stop the talk about killing yourself.

Keep in mind that if your are telling this to your wife, it will not get her to stay with you. It will make her run away from you as fast as she can.

If you are really considering suicide, here is a link and phone number to a suicide prevention lifeline and their phone number.

US: Lifeline or 1-800-273-TALK

Canada: Thinking About Suicide? | Crisis Services Canada
 

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Well, OK, not a lot you can do if she does not want to try and stay in the marriage. Keep saying that you are sorry, listen to her when she talks, all the usual.

Read how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Google it.

And hey, how about you stop feeling sorry for yourself and man up already. You made a decision, not a mistake, and now you have to live with it. I would have never let it get like this in the first place but it is too late for that now.

Just a hint, generally if your girl does not want to perform oral on you, and you are hygienic, she is not into you. And girls just don't please.

Stay calm, and read that book. It will help you understand what she is going through.

Now it could be she was looking for a good reason to divorce you, or she may just be freaked out, or she may not know what to do.

Hang in there...
 

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Stop the suicide talk and get thyself to counseling.

You are needed despite screwing up your marriage and hurting your wife and children. Regardless of your marriage surviving or not, you are needed by both your children and your wife.

You will always be dad. Own up to your poor choices and make positive differences for yourself and they will see a man who did something awful and stop while repairing and improving yourself. That will be a good life lesson for them.

Your wife may not be your wife soon but she still needs you. You are the father of her children and she has loved you for a long time.

Your marriage might not be retrievable but she still needs a relationship with you and it wouldn't hurt her to be around and improve yourself.

The oral sex is an issue I wish you had brought up here before cheating.

That is a real concern but it is overshadowed by your destructive decisions.

Be as amicable in the divorce as possible and do what you need to do to keep your family as secure as you can even if you don't get to be married to your wife anymore.

Self harming isn't a good choice and will hurt everyone even more than your infidelity.

Love your family by doing good for them.

Get help asap first.
 

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Not excusing your actions - you should have told her that the sexual disconnection was really causing you to think outside the box to solve.

Bear in mind that a W that won't even entertain oral on her H in some fashion if her H is being a good lover is by her actions showing she's not that into him any more and may be taking him for granted.

Just giving duty sex, and all that, to keep her lifestyle in place.

Especially if he performs oral on her. Are you manning up in the sex department?

Hang in there.
 

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well, you are an idiot.

that said, a lot of us are idiots for one reason or the other. I've done idiotic things in my life. never cheated or destroyed my marriage, but still...….I've been an idiot.

you've got to learn to live with yourself. become a better person. it will not happen in a week or a year, or even five years maybe.
it will happen one day at a time until you realize some time down the road you are that better person. as others have already said, no matter what you did, you still have value
as a human being.
 

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Just a hint, generally if your girl does not want to perform oral on you, and you are hygienic, she is not into you...
...Bear in mind that a W that won't even entertain oral on her H in some fashion if her H is being a good lover is by her actions showing she's not that into him any more ...
As I said, I don't blame her at all. She was raised in a very traditional strict kind of environment, I was her first and she has never, ever performed oral on me, it was not that she was not into me, it's just the way she is. She still loved me up until that point from what she told me, she said that I hurt her so much because I betrayed her total love for me.

I've been trying to talk to my wife, but couldn't she asked me not to be in the same room with her, and all my kids have been avoiding me, they don't want to talk to me either. Aside from the time doing work (from home), I'm just sitting in the dark with all the guilt, the regrets, the sorrow, just very depressed, the total isolation is driving me crazy that made me just want to end it all. I feel so helpless that my wife and kids are not giving me a chance to make things right.

But anyway, thanks for all the responses.
 

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As I said, I don't blame her at all. She was raised in a very traditional strict kind of environment, I was her first and she has never, ever performed oral on me, it was not that she was not into me, it's just the way she is. She still loved me up until that point from what she told me, she said that I hurt her so much because I betrayed her total love for me.

I've been trying to talk to my wife, but couldn't she asked me not to be in the same room with her, and all my kids have been avoiding me, they don't want to talk to me either. Aside from the time doing work (from home), I'm just sitting in the dark with all the guilt, the regrets, the sorrow, just very depressed, the total isolation is driving me crazy that made me just want to end it all. I feel so helpless that my wife and kids are not giving me a chance to make things right.

But anyway, thanks for all the responses.
You do need interaction especially now. I don't know resources but it is important to get someone to talk to. Get a professional counselor. Ask around online and on the phone to get a good fit.

Your family isn't in a good place right now either so they could use it too.
 

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As I said, I don't blame her at all. She was raised in a very traditional strict kind of environment, I was her first and she has never, ever performed oral on me, it was not that she was not into me, it's just the way she is. She still loved me up until that point from what she told me, she said that I hurt her so much because I betrayed her total love for me.

I've been trying to talk to my wife, but couldn't she asked me not to be in the same room with her, and all my kids have been avoiding me, they don't want to talk to me either. Aside from the time doing work (from home), I'm just sitting in the dark with all the guilt, the regrets, the sorrow, just very depressed, the total isolation is driving me crazy that made me just want to end it all. I feel so helpless that my wife and kids are not giving me a chance to make things right.

But anyway, thanks for all the responses.
If you are thinking about ending it, the call the hotline that elle put in her first post...

It has been two days right, or course your wife does not want to talk to you.

I know you are down, but you need to get over some of this, and pull your self up by your boot straps.

She may want to talk to you later but you don't need to off yourself...

Come on man...
 

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As I said, I don't blame her at all. She was raised in a very traditional strict kind of environment, I was her first and she has never, ever performed oral on me, it was not that she was not into me, it's just the way she is. She still loved me up until that point from what she told me, she said that I hurt her so much because I betrayed her total love for me.

I've been trying to talk to my wife, but couldn't she asked me not to be in the same room with her, and all my kids have been avoiding me, they don't want to talk to me either. Aside from the time doing work (from home), I'm just sitting in the dark with all the guilt, the regrets, the sorrow, just very depressed, the total isolation is driving me crazy that made me just want to end it all. I feel so helpless that my wife and kids are not giving me a chance to make things right.

But anyway, thanks for all the responses.
If she never performed oral on you prior to marriage, you should have known that that was off the plate.
If that was all that important to you, you should have never signed up.
You screwed up big time. Own that to your family.
Your best shot: Apologize sincerely. Come up with and lay out a plan to repair the damage and reestablish trust. Immediately go and seek some help. Work to correct your issues and become a better person.
You may never be able to repair the damage. However, right now, emotions are raw and everyone is still in shock.
Over time, their stance may soften, especially if you demonstrate your progress and show true remorse.
I guess the good news is you are still in the house. Pandemic or not, if she wanted you out that bad, you'd be gone.
Best of luck.
 

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One thing you can do while you're shut out is to write out a timeline for your wife. You know exactly when you went to your first prostitute and how many times thereafter. The 3-5 years ago is bullshit - you know exactly. Give details of exactly what transpired between the prostitute and yourself i.e. who touched who, how long did it take, how much did it cost, how you found them, what they looked like, what the room looked like, does anyone know, when and where - everything. Don't tell your wife you're doing this - just have it on hand for when or if she starts asking questions.

Whatever you do, do NOT trickle truth or minimize what happened thinking you are sparing her pain - it will only cause her more pain when she realizes you've been withholding/lying. Don't try to cover your ass in any way, shape or form.

As for your kids, allow them their disappointment but, remember, you are married to their mother and they need to stay out of the marriage.

You're going to need a lot of luck, love, patience and understanding going forward if you want to try to salvage this relationship. So, buckle up Buttercup and dry those tears. Good luck to you.
 

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I have (or now I should say I've had) a wonderful family that anyone could have dreamt of. A wonderful wife of 25 years who has dedicated her entire life to raising her family, we have 3 great kids (1 teen & 2 young adults), a beautiful suburban home and very financially stable.

My wife is a beautiful woman, smart, witty, and talented in almost everything (fashion, cooking, gardening, singing, dancing, even minor household repairs), she worked hard all the time but somehow still managed to maintain a beautiful home.

Our sex life is okay, not great steamy hot all the time, but satisfactory for the most part. One thing that I've always felt missing is the oral sex, she enjoyed receiving but would not provide it, she said she was disgusted by it, I enjoy giving her oral and I've asked her from time to time over the years to try giving me oral but she just flatly refused it, and the last time I asked she told me not to ask again. I just want to clarify that I'm providing the full story and NOT trying to blame my wife, I am the idiot who wrecked our marriage, her refusing to give oral does NOT in any way gave me the right to cheat on her. But I did, I don't know why I kept fantasizing about it, and some time between 3-5 years ago I decided to see a prostitute to satisfy my fantasy just once. I remember feeling so guilty afterwards, but a few months later I wanted to get that feeling again, and the cheating started, my selfish sexual desire had clouded my judgement and moral value, I was telling myself I was doing it because she refused (I know, I realize now that I was such an idiot to let the stupid little head overriding the big head). And I became a pathetic lying cheater ever since, I went to see a prostitute maybe once every 1-2 months.

It's true that "All secrets and lies will eventually come out", my wife found out. She was shocked, and she was hurt so much because she completely trusted me in everything. My heart sank when I saw her reaction, I know she was in so much pain, like her whole world had just crumbled around her, she could barely kept herself up. At that moment I suddenly just woke up and realized what I have done! It's been a couple of days now, she has determined that we're so done, she can't stand looking at me any more as she hates me so much now. I don't blame her, we have such a wonderful family and I destroyed it because I selfishly wanted to satisfy a stupid sexual desire. Even my kids now don't want to look at me after they found out.

I regret so much, I pleaded with her, I begged her to give another chance but she said she couldn't bring herself to even look at me. I still love her so much with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to her, but she said she just can't be with me any more, and she can never trust anything I say any more, she said she had lost all the love for me, just the feeling of disgusted and hatred, I gave her a cut into her soul so deep with a scar that can never be healed.

I don't want to lose my wonderful wife and this beautiful family, but I don't know what to do, I I will keep trying and trying, but if I can't get her back, I think I'm going to end my life, as now I realize that I can't go on living without my wife and kids in my life. To me, I already destroyed my family, so if I can't pull it back together, I might as well go ahead and destroy my pathetic life too. So help me God.
Oh good Lord. This is one long, dramatic pity party. Suicide? Talk about even MORE selfish! No....you don't do thst.

You live.

You live, and you zip up the martyr act and Shakesperean monologue.

You ACT. You becoming 100% transparent. You tell EVERYONE the truth. You take 100% responsibility and don't you dare mention your spouse's flaws or poor me no oral sex.

And you work yourself into the next decade becoming a better man. Through ACTION.

And if she wants you out.....you leave. If she files for divorce, you treat her fairly.

Actions have consequences. The ONLY way your marriage survives is if you change, show real remorse, and don't expect your wife to carry the pain you brought on yourself.

And yes, I'd tell a cheating wife the same thing.
 

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First off, if you are thinking about suicide then you have two options.

1) Contact a suicide hotline via phone, live chat, or text. Thinking About Suicide? | Crisis Services Canada

2) Go to the ER and tell them you are suicidal.

I would recommend starting with option one unless you are seriously considering suicide and have a plan in place to take your life. Option number one can be done from the comfort of your own home, car, etc. If needed, they will help you figure out what the next step for you is. That may be helping you find a therapist, helping you find a hospital, or having a crisis team contact you.

Seriously. Contact a suicide crisis line.

After that, you should contact a close friend or family member and talk to them. Let them know what happened and what you are feeling. Be open and honest with them. They will help you if you allow them to and they will help keep you safe. You should not be socially isolating yourself. Physical distance, yes, but not social distance. Reach out, let people help you.

Why would you end your life just because your marriage might be over? You still have children who, whether they realize it right now or not, want and need their father. You have the mother of your children who, regardless of whether you are together or not, will need you to continue raising your children with her. You have friends and family who love and care about you. You may have people at work or in hobbies who rely on you and your presence. Your marriage is a small piece and it is not the end all be all.

Do you know who suffers when someone dies by suicide? The children. The spouse. The family. The friends. They all wonder what they could have or should have done differently. The go through terrible guilt and grief. You have realized now how much damage your actions caused, do you really want to cause more? OR should you pick up the pieces now and do the next right thing?

What is the next right thing here? It's not suicide. That doesn't solve anything. All it does is create more pain and more grief. You want to end your pain, right? What about all the pain your wife and kids are currently feeling? It will be amplified if you choose suicide.

The next right thing is righting your wrongs, and yes you can do that. Does that mean your life will go back to what it was before? No, but you really don't want it to. Your life before was what led you here and what you, and your wife, thought you had was an illusion.

Yes, your wife may decide to end the marriage. She has every right to do that. Just like you had every right to end the marriage years ago when you were not fulfilled.

When you decided to cheat you showed your wife that you have no respect or care for her. You risked her health, ruined the fidelity, etc. Now is your opportunity to offer her respect and care. Respect that she needs space and time. After everything you took away from her, that is the least you can give her.

This is very fresh for your wife. Yes, she may end the marriage. She may also decide she wants to reconcile but that won't be an option if you choose suicide, now will it?

I'm reconciling with my wife after she had two affairs that spanned many years. When it all came out, she hit rock bottom and attempted suicide. Her attempt was unsuccessful, as many are. Where would we be if she HAD been successful? We wouldn't be reconciling and my children would have lost their mother. Instead, she is here, we are a family, and her relationships with the kids are being repaired.

That wouldn't be possible if her suicide attempt was successful, and it won't be for you either.
 

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Back off and give your family space. It’s up to them when they decide they want contact with you. Begging, pleading, bargaining, or whatever — no place for that. Actions have consequences for all of us and you’re now seeing yours.
Yep. Leave her alone. Let her know that you’ll do whatever it is that she needs, and then leave her be. Begging and pleading is only going to disgust her that much more. You show her way more respect by giving her the space she needs. If she files for divorce, agree to what she wants, it’s the very least you can do. I hope you are able to find a professional to talk to, your kids need you even though they are grown.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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OP you have already devastated your family through your selfish choices, don't make it 100 x worse by taking your life. That would be an incredibly selfish thing to do. All you would be doing is transferring your pain to them, and condemning them to a life wracked with guilt.

Man up, own your choices - you did NOT make a mistake, you made a CHOICE and you made it more than once. Own it. As others have said, if she files for divorce, give her whatever she wants, actions have consequences.

As for your children, they are naturally feeling protective of their mother. This is not their fight though, apologise to them, tell them that you know you hurt their mother and that you will do whatever she needs you to do, but remind them that this is between you and their mother.

Just a hint, generally if your girl does not want to perform oral on you, and you are hygienic, she is not into you. And girls just don't please.
This is absolutely NOT TRUE.
 
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