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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I suck at intimacy and it's ruining my marriage. Physical relationships have never been my strong suit.....most of my pre-marriage sexual encounters were alcohol fueled and plagued with ED & PE issues. I never felt confident about myself sexually. When I met my wife that didn't matter. She was happy to put in 110% to make intimacy a fun thing in our relationship. I thought it was normal for her to always initiate and for the sexual encounter to be done when I was. Unfortunately, I never took the time to identify my own insecurities on the topic so in time they slowly eroded the intimacy in my marriage. I didn't hear my wife ask for me to stay involved. Didn't stay close when she tried to snuggle at night or on the couch and slowly stopped doing the other things that brought her any sexual confidence in us (putting my arm around her waist and pulling her close for example). We got pregnant quickly and despite her efforts to still initiate a physical relationship I continued to pull away. After our baby arrived it was a new set of excuses why I wasn't interested in sex with her. Our entire marriage has been nearly sexless. And now 7 years later I have no idea how to even try to start something. My wife is tired of begging for my affection. She's sad and clearly self-conscious that I've never been able to show her physical love. We've been to counseling and talked about our feelings on the topic a thousand times. She feels like she's a task to me as I only try to kiss her or hold her hand after she's begged for my attention and I've had to add a reminder to my phone. I truly do want to have a romantic relationship. It is my desire to desire her. I'm just not sure how. She tells me to try by saying I'm interested, talking about sex, playing dates, being flirty and playful with her, or trying anything to show I care but after every conversation I walk away paralyzed and do nothing. It's not a winning cycle for us but I don't know what to do.
 

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I commented on your other thread, but reading this I really think you ought to consider the possibility that you might be asexual. You might not be broken (and thus not fixable), it might be just who you are.


FWIW, I am in a marriage like yours, except that I am the "allosexual" partner and my wife the one unable to express physical affection...
 

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You would be surprised how many men are like this. They just don’t admit it, and never will.

So you’re on the right path.

Insight is golden.
 

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I suck at intimacy and it's ruining my marriage. Physical relationships have never been my strong suit.....most of my pre-marriage sexual encounters were alcohol fueled and plagued with ED & PE issues. I never felt confident about myself sexually. When I met my wife that didn't matter. She was happy to put in 110% to make intimacy a fun thing in our relationship. I thought it was normal for her to always initiate and for the sexual encounter to be done when I was. Unfortunately, I never took the time to identify my own insecurities on the topic so in time they slowly eroded the intimacy in my marriage. I didn't hear my wife ask for me to stay involved. Didn't stay close when she tried to snuggle at night or on the couch and slowly stopped doing the other things that brought her any sexual confidence in us (putting my arm around her waist and pulling her close for example). We got pregnant quickly and despite her efforts to still initiate a physical relationship I continued to pull away. After our baby arrived it was a new set of excuses why I wasn't interested in sex with her. Our entire marriage has been nearly sexless. And now 7 years later I have no idea how to even try to start something. My wife is tired of begging for my affection. She's sad and clearly self-conscious that I've never been able to show her physical love. We've been to counseling and talked about our feelings on the topic a thousand times. She feels like she's a task to me as I only try to kiss her or hold her hand after she's begged for my attention and I've had to add a reminder to my phone. I truly do want to have a romantic relationship. It is my desire to desire her. I'm just not sure how. She tells me to try by saying I'm interested, talking about sex, playing dates, being flirty and playful with her, or trying anything to show I care but after every conversation I walk away paralyzed and do nothing. It's not a winning cycle for us but I don't know what to do.
Ok, this puts a different spin on what you wrote in your other thread. Your wife has been doing all of the work for years and is still engaging with you. She has gone above and beyond what most spouses would. It sounds like you have deep seated problems, way beyond low T, stuff that neither viagra nor cialis can fix ( these things help the erection mechanism function but only if you are aroused mentally ), Desiring something doesn't make it just magically happen.

I know nothing about "sex counseling", but have read about it some in these forums. If you aren't aroused by a woman anxious for attention, having to add a reminder to your phone to respond, maybe you need intensive intervention from psychiatric professional who treats severe sexual dysfunctions. Is there something maybe as a child that disrupted your development? You mentioned using alcohol to function sexually before marriage. That implies you had to dull your senses to even be interested in a woman. Why?
 

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As I said in the other thread, find a new therapist and work through your issues. I understand now why your wife is pulling away from you. Please explain this to her and ask her to be patient, since you are working on your issues now. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if your wife thought it's too late now.
 

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Do you have any urge for sexual satisfaction? Are you in the habit of satisfying yourself using porn and masturbation?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I commented on your other thread, but reading this I really think you ought to consider the possibility that you might be asexual. You might not be broken (and thus not fixable), it might be just who you are.


FWIW, I am in a marriage like yours, except that I am the "allosexual" partner and my wife the one unable to express physical affection...
I will certainly look into the asexual front more. My SO has said similar things also. How are you able to make it work with your SO if your situation is similar, albeit reversed?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
You would be surprised how many men are like this. They just don’t admit it, and never will.

So you’re on the right path.

Insight is golden.
I appreciate the support and knowing/admitting is def the first step. But i worry that I'm not on the "right path" as I only see our relationship continuing to deteriorate and I am unable to execute a plan that gets us on the right path.
 

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I appreciate the support and knowing/admitting is def the first step. But i worry that I'm not on the "right path" as I only see our relationship continuing to deteriorate and I am unable to execute a plan that gets us on the right path.
But you are able to start little things, and you just aren't.

Decide to and you will. That's a fact. Even the little steps in the right direction are in the right direction.

It's a process. It's not an immediate change of circumstance for any person but in going.

Work with that. If you don't, that's on you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Yes, you do and you've been told. You just don't want to. If you truly wanted a romantic relationship, you would do something - but, you don't.
My SO has said similar. And i certainly can't deny that is what is looks like. She says I try in other aspects and have been able to be a good partner in area others of our relationship but this is one where I have certainly falling off. I have tried for a bit, had an idea and done it (sometimes half a$$ed), and not done it again. I am very capable of executing something i am told but if i am asked to come up with an idea, plan something long term, etc i don't seem to have the follow through on that front. If my first or second attempt is a failure i am discouraged and stop.

I know i need to just bear down and keeping trying - same things, new things, anything - and I can't seem to figure out how to keep on that unfortunately.
 

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Sorry for the TJ; @CatholicDad , why did you go directly to the porn card ??? Nothing OP mentioned was even tangentially related to porn that I saw.
Just asking the question. Porn use is widespread and can cause performance issues in men when used habitually. I'm speculating that OP (like all men) has a relentless sexual urge- that is being expended elsewhere.
 

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this is one where I have certainly falling off. I have tried for a bit, had an idea and done it (sometimes half a$$ed), and not done it again. I am very capable of executing something i am told but if i am asked to come up with an idea, plan something long term, etc i don't seem to have the follow through on that front.
Those sentences would kill my she boner if I was a woman. To paraphrase:

If you tell me what to do I can go through the steps and do them otherwise forget it. I can’t be bothered.

Wow... that makes me want to jump right into the sack!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Ok, this puts a different spin on what you wrote in your other thread. Your wife has been doing all of the work for years and is still engaging with you. She has gone above and beyond what most spouses would. It sounds like you have deep seated problems, way beyond low T, stuff that neither viagra nor cialis can fix ( these things help the erection mechanism function but only if you are aroused mentally ), Desiring something doesn't make it just magically happen.

I know nothing about "sex counseling", but have read about it some in these forums. If you aren't aroused by a woman anxious for attention, having to add a reminder to your phone to respond, maybe you need intensive intervention from psychiatric professional who treats severe sexual dysfunctions. Is there something maybe as a child that disrupted your development? You mentioned using alcohol to function sexually before marriage. That implies you had to dull your senses to even be interested in a woman. Why?
My wife did put in 110% of the effort early on in our relationship, but currently she is not engaging with me on it. She still certainly desires it, brings it up in conversation, but she is "done" with being the initiator - she has been turned down, hurt, etc too often in the past and had put fairly put the onus on my to ensure we have a physical relationship. And i agree she is an amazing women with a light level of patience with me.

I have slowly come to realized, last 12 months or so, how messed by my parents relationship is (100% zero physical relationship) and I don't want to emulate that but can't seem to avoid it. I part of my lack of desire is driven by fear to fail which is why i hoped Viagra and/or Cialis may help. Get me out of my head on the get hard front and allow me to be more in the moment with my wife. I am often very aroused by my wife - for instance a couple weeks ago the 3 of us (my wife, my daughter, and myself) we watching TV together in the evening and I was massaging my wife's back and was very hard. My wife was aware of it also. I would have loved to turned that situation in a sexual encounter but could not / did not. I reflect back on that and have excuses like "my daughter was awake" or "my wife isn't interested" etc when instead I should have just planned for something when our daughter went to sleep...but i didn't. And looking back i can't think of why - In that moment i had desire, i wanted to have sex, but i didn't do anything about it.....

On the development side I would write volumes but in short I was a virgin until 20. And then I was in college partying hard, 95+% of all my sexual encounters before my wife were either pretty drunk to near black out drunk. I clearly had a big (binge) drinking problem then and into most of my 20s. But for most of my marriage, especially since our daughter was born (6 yo) I socially drink, normally having 2-4 drinks a week (typically craft IPAs).
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
As I said in the other thread, find a new therapist and work through your issues. I understand now why your wife is pulling away from you. Please explain this to her and ask her to be patient, since you are working on your issues now. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if your wife thought it's too late now.
I agree - I am talking to a new therapist today. And on my wife thinking it's too late, i totally agree - i still think there is a sliver of hope left but that window of opportunity is very very narrow. Thank you.
 
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