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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Having lived through infidelity and thrived after divorce, I find myself considered the Queen of Divorce to my friends and family. It's okay and most of the time I feel pretty equipped to deal with it. This latest one, though, is a little bit much for me and I could use some collective advice.

My cousin came to me with the following:

1.) She has been married to her husband for 20 years.

2.) Up until August, her husband used a work cell phone. He recently joined the family plan.

3.) While doing her hair at the bedroom dresser, his cell phone went off with a message from a woman that said; Happy Halloweenie. This made the hair on the back of her neck stand up and she opened the message. There were several messages back and forth. Her saying hello, him saying he would call her later, etc.

4.) She waited a day and then confronted him. He lied and said that it was a prank, etc. She told him that she didn't believe him, took her ring off and made him sleep on the couch.

5.) Two days later, he came back and admitted that he had messed up, but said that it was just a few messages, that she was an old friend he found on FB and that she was having "heart problems" and he was talking her through this.

My cousin has lived with this for the past six weeks while he buys her flowers and tries to make amends - and deleted his FB and put a passcode on his phone.

She finally broke down and came to me because her gut just couldn't let it go.

I had to show her how to access her cell phone records online. She's not very tech savvy. We discovered that from the time that he got the phone in August until about a week after she confronted him, he was texting this woman daily, multiple times a day. I told her that he had probably been communicating with her via another means prior to getting the phone. Also, now he has much larger data use charges on his phone than in previous months; which I believe means he's taken the affair underground.

Here's the dilemma.

Her husband is an active, lifelong undercover cop. In our small city, she lives way, way out in the suburbs and they never do things publicly together unless it is with an intimate circle of family and friends. He says it's "for her safety". They have two daughters that she has practically raised alone; one is 18 and in her first year of college and the other is 15. She goes on trips alone with them, pays tuition alone, etc.

For years there have been rampant, persistent rumors about his fidelity, but he's been able to explain most of them away due to his work. I've heard things and mentioned them to her, but never in a serious way because none of it was verifiable.

Now, of course, she's doubting every word he's ever said to her.

We called a few people that we heard things from in the past, but they are afraid of him. Some of them have been arrested by him before and others simply don't want to be on a potentially crazy undercover cop's radar. So, while they were willing to tell us things as wild as "he's been cheating for years" to "he's got a daughter with this former prostitute who works for the police department and lives at...".

I put a keylogger on their home computer, but he rarely uses it. His phone now has a passcode on it that she does not know. She can not put a VAR in his car, it's a government/police department vehicle that he changes every few days/weeks.

She wants some good, solid proof. Although, her gut is telling her one thing; she doesn't feel that she has enough real proof to make a decision about leaving. What can she do?
 

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If even one tenth of what you've heard about this 'undercover cop' is true. She and you too are in a potentially dangerous situation.

Well, she CAN ask/insist he take a polygraph test. What are the odds he will consent?
 

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An undercover cop who is a serial cheater is compromising his own job. Not only is he killing the marriage, he is putting himself and any colleague or family who works or lives with him at risk.

There must be some way to discretely contact somebody at his workplace - his supervisor, or somebody you could trust.
 

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The first thing I think of is for her to confront him fully with everything she had heard and make it clear she needs a full accounting. She probably won't get it.

If not, I suggest she meet with police officials who oversee her husband's activities and see what answers she can get. She may need an attorney for that as if he is undercover there could be some delicacies. She also may need a separation for a time while this is going on.

Clearly something is amiss and he is hiding behind his badge. On the other hand, I do know two undercover cops and they have to mix with very seedy people and I can see why there may be rumors. BUt those texts are not related to work and he is having some sort of betrayal against her and their family. That has to be addressed fully.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
If even one tenth of what you've heard about this 'undercover cop' is true. She and you too are in a potentially dangerous situation.

Well, she CAN ask/insist he take a polygraph test. What are the odds he will consent?
I have to admit that I am a little afraid of this situation. I take some comfort in the fact that she is confident that he would never harm her physically and says that he has never displayed inappropriate anger; I also think that her exerting independence might trigger something.

I don't know if he would take a polygraph. How reliable are they? He is cool as a cucumber and used to being in a wide range of crazy situations.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
An undercover cop who is a serial cheater is compromising his own job. Not only is he killing the marriage, he is putting himself and any colleague or family who works or lives with him at risk.

There must be some way to discretely contact somebody at his workplace - his supervisor, or somebody you could trust.
Not to mention, a lot of the women that he deals with are prostitutes and drug users. I fear for my cousin's health, as well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
The first thing I think of is for her to confront him fully with everything she had heard and make it clear she needs a full accounting. She probably won't get it.

If not, I suggest she meet with police officials who oversee her husband's activities and see what answers she can get. She may need an attorney for that as if he is undercover there could be some delicacies. She also may need a separation for a time while this is going on.

Clearly something is amiss and he is hiding behind his badge. On the other hand, I do know two undercover cops and they have to mix with very seedy people and I can see why there may be rumors. BUt those texts are not related to work and he is having some sort of betrayal against her and their family. That has to be addressed fully.
If she confronts him and he lies, don't you think that any real opportunity for finding the truth would be lost?

The people he deals with are very, very seedy.

I should also mention that she is his second wife. He was married for 6 years when he was right out of high school. the marriage ended because he cheated on his wife and got another woman pregnant.

My cousin says, "My first mistake was thinking that I was different, that our relationship was different."
 

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I actually worked with law enforcement for 14 years. If you want to cheat on your spouse become a cop. It's so common it's cliche. I actually did some undercover work for a short period and posed as a detainee in a local jail.

I kept my family far away from where I worked. I actually had several confrontations while off work in the city where I worked because someone I arrested recognized me. One time while I had my three year old son with me. After that I never went with my family anywhere I thought I might be seen by someone I arrested.

I suspect he is cheating, but I believe the reason why he doesn't take his family where he works. If he works with a regular partner they'l know everything about him, but they'll be closer than brothers so you won't get anything from them.

The only way I can see her getting anything:
Stop acting suspiscious. Say sorry for questioning him and make it look like she's stopped looking. Buy him a top grade phone. Something really nice. Install software on it and give it to him as a gift to go with the apology.
 

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I hate to say it but she is way too passive about all this. Is she afraid? She has to do the 180 and develop a "set of balls". If she wants to get to the bottom of this she is going to have to be assertive and in his face. She should:
  1. just tell him that she doesn't trust him any more and ask him for the pass code to the phone. chances are he will refuse so she can show her displeasure with that by taking the phone and crushing it with her foot.
  2. Expose what she knows about the affair to friends and start making him uncomfortable.
  3. Talk to his superiors at work letting them know that she believes that he is having an affair and that my be jeopardizing his safety.

Any of these items will get his attention. He just can't rug sweep this and wave her off.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I hate to say it but she is way too passive about all this. Is she afraid? She has to do the 180 and develop a "set of balls". If she wants to get to the bottom of this she is going to have to be assertive and in his face. She should:
  1. just tell him that she doesn't trust him any more and ask him for the pass code to the phone. chances are he will refuse so she can show her displeasure with that by taking the phone and crushing it with her foot.
  2. Expose what she knows about the affair to friends and start making him uncomfortable.
  3. Talk to his superiors at work letting them know that she believes that he is having an affair and that my be jeopardizing his safety.

Any of these items will get his attention. He just can't rug sweep this and wave her off.
I really wish it were this simple for her. She is a passive person. That's her nature and at 46, I don't see her changing it. She is the sweetest, most honest and honorable person I know. She believes in honesty and she is very naive when it comes to some of this stuff.

She was virgin when she married at 26. She puts her children before herself and would do anything for them. She would never humiliate their dad even if he thoroughly deserved it.

She doesn't want to save the marriage and feels that she's not even really losing a husband, because he's never been a true partner to her since about the second year of marriage.

She's gorgeous, classy and beautiful - a former model. Everyone who meets her loves her on sight because she's so pretty and genuinely sweet. My heart aches for her.

I'm thinking of hiring a private investigator for her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
This is relevant, too, but I didn't know how to say it, but I think it pertains.

I have a strong, strong dislike for her husband. Maybe 10 years ago, another of our female cousins (we have a huge family, I have more than 25 first cousins, alone) who is very much a wild child but who I love very much and who is close to me, told me that she was outside partying with a bunch of people in a park downtown, drinking and smoking.

They were arrested for public intoxication and he was one of the arresting officers.

My cousin came to me the next night and told me that he propositioned her for oral sex to get him to let her go with no charges.

She had no reason to lie about it and she never told anyone else but me.

I still haven't shared this with my cousin, but I'm thinking that I should.
 

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TG, What this supposed lawdog is doing is called lack of judgement. In addition he is abusing that badge and under the color of authority committing a crime. Internal affairs is the Police, Police. If someone were to make a complaint against him go one step up. Meaning if he is a P.D, go to a state police. I am a lawman and what he did or is doing, is making it hard for me to do my job, the right way. That being said, undercover is no joke, maybe a little is crossing over to the real life, maybe. That would be the benefit I give him. Please don't allow him to disgrace the badge and your family.
 

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My cousin came to me the next night and told me that he propositioned her for oral sex to get him to let her go with no charges.

She had no reason to lie about it and she never told anyone else but me.
This is far more common than people think, and it goes for money, favors, and everything else under the sun too.

The problem she is up against is the whole set of weapons he has with police power, plausible deniability, and expertise in covert operations.


I still haven't shared this with my cousin, but I'm thinking that I should.
I don't see why not but you can't take on the job of proving his infidelity for her. Without her taking initiative herself you are only setting yourself up for a fall.

I was at a point where I could not prove the infidelity but I told my wife that I didn't care - her behavior was unacceptable to me, period. Shortly after I did bust her red-handed but I had the conviction already that the way she was making me feel was worthy of divorce. What I got out of the private detective I hired was immediate concession on her part for a dissolution with no fight because I had cause for a contested divorce with all the juicy stuff from the private eye.

No harm in her hiring a private eye, but you doing it is a declaration of war on this guy and you may not like the consequences. After my first success with a private eye I hired another one to check up on a long distance relationship I had started and her family caught the guy. I had good reason to hire him and it turned out that indeed she was a lying scammer. But they saw him taking pictures with a telephoto lense, and a high-speed chase ensued on motorcycles that led to him wrecking. They got his ID by force which led to the discovery of his occupation, which pointed to me.

A person hiring a private eye to tail an undercover cop is taking on a pretty tall order, and if he's caught then you better be prepared for retaliation. My brother got crossways of a cop and the cop finally did get even with him by making a traffic stop when he was just over the legal alcohol limit. The cop made it his business to get even with my brother and we figure he had people on the street helping him with a tip-off that my brother had just left a bar.
 

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I agree completely with Wiseforit.
In addition to all he said. Since her husband is a cop he is sure to have many connections to the PI world. It would be unusual for the PI not to know at least one of the cops friends, cohorts, etc. It's very risky.

As an undercover the cop is more aware than most when something is fishy and much more likely to spot a tail.

It'll be more peaceful for your friend (neighbor?) to just file for irreconcilable difference. The cop would probably welcome with his morals. The one fly in the ointment would be his pension. If he fights it will be for that only.
 

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She needs to talk to a lawyer. Talk to the cousin who was . Demand a poly. If he refuses or fails she needs to file.

She needs to check out a EPO order.

I'm guessing though he, if anyone can, may beat a poly. Check with a polygrapgher what he thinks. You will probably have to find one that has no connection to his dept.
 
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