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OK so here goes.... ive been with my partner just over 2 years now i love him with all my heart i really do. after going out to a pub with my mates i ended up cheating with someone i have known for a long time but never thought of him as anything more than a family friend. it was so stupid and a bad decision partially due to to much alcohol (i am not using that as an excuse i no what i did was wrong) but heres the thing i thought i could just try and forget about it and move on but i did it again my head is all over the place i actually have started to fall for the other guy but i no even if i leave my partner we wont be together. he has been messaging me wanting to meet up again i no its wrong but it gives me butterflys when i am around him. im puttin my partner through hell because ive changed towards him and he doesnt no why. its killing me that im hurting him because i do love him ALOT. how can i put my stupid mistakes behind me and build a better future with my partner? :confused:
 

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Easy. Don't do this and be honest.

Tell your SO about your feelings and betrayal of this OM.

How would you feel if he slept with another woman? It should be okay right? You certainly gave him rights to sleep with other women. I hope you used protection. Giving your SO herpes or other unwanted std's is not nice. Although, condoms are not really reliable to stop them.
 

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OK so here goes.... ive been with my partner just over 2 years now i love him with all my heart i really do. after going out to a pub with my mates i ended up cheating with someone i have known for a long time but never thought of him as anything more than a family friend. it was so stupid and a bad decision partially due to to much alcohol (i am not using that as an excuse i no what i did was wrong) but heres the thing i thought i could just try and forget about it and move on but i did it again my head is all over the place i actually have started to fall for the other guy but i no even if i leave my partner we wont be together. he has been messaging me wanting to meet up again i no its wrong but it gives me butterflys when i am around him. im puttin my partner through hell because ive changed towards him and he doesnt no why. its killing me that im hurting him because i do love him ALOT. how can i put my stupid mistakes behind me and build a better future with my partner? :confused:
Go No Contact with your Other Man. Tell your partner. It really is the only way. And yes, I do know what I am talking about, from bitter personal experience.
 

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how can i put my stupid mistakes behind me and build a better future with my partner? :confused:
For starters just like what you say above. Put the OM (other man) behind you. That means NO CONTACT - PERIOD.

Then if you want to continue on with your partner you need to tell him. He has the right to know. Your relationship may survive, it may not, but at least it will be built on the truth. If you don't tell him everything is a lie and sooner or later it will come out.

You can't put this genie back in the bottle. Believe me, as a cheater myself, I tried and tried. It just isn't going to happen. The only way out is to turn and face the music I'm afraid. If you don't face it you are simply continuing in the lie. The truth is the only way to end it.

If you elect to tell him, and you take only one piece of advice from TAM let it be this. Tell him all of it. Tell him everything. Hold nothing back that he can find later no matter how miniscule. Make sure that you only have to confess once. Often times the lies are harder to over come than the infidelity. You can't undo what you've done, but you can choose to stop being a liar at any time.
 

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You don't love him, if you truly loved him you would tell him the truth and let him go. You're weak, do the right thing.

T
 
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Decision time, if you love your partner you won't deceive him again.

An affair is not real, it's a fantasy and that is why it's exciting. It has nothing to do with real life love and commitment. Real life is about putting the garbage out and doing the laundry, and affair is all glitter and no substance.

If you had unprotected sex you need to tell your partner, it's not fair to expose him.

Do not respond to the other man's messages, block him, The butterflys are nothing compared to the severe PAIN, hurt and devastation you risk putting onto your loving partner.
 

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You do love him, right? Prove it. Prove it by doing the right thing by him. As Tammy Wynette sang: "Stand by Your Man" She did not sing: "Stand by your man but have drunken sex with other people", now did she?
 

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I love these postings....what can I do...what can I do? You are a full grown women that made a decision to have sex with another man. If you love your partner as you say, you will be honest with him. Also I highly encourage you to be honest with yourself for a change.
 

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Dear buzz24,

Let's analyze what you've said and see what conclusions we can draw from it:

OK so here goes.... ive been with my partner just over 2 years now i love him with all my heart i really do. No, you really don't. People who love someone with all their heart don't cheat on them multiple times, start to withdraw from them thus making them feel awful and then not even bother to tell them what's going on. after going out to a pub with my mates i ended up cheating with someone i have known for a long time but never thought of him as anything more than a family friend. it was so stupid and a bad decision partially due to to much alcohol (i am not using that as an excuse -- whoa, you make and excuse ("partly due to to [sic] much alcohol") and then say it's not an excuse! you're pretty good at making excuses and avoiding responsibility for your actions (see below) -- i no what i did was wrong) but heres the thing i thought i could just try and forget about it and move on -- you obviously weren't thinking about the feelings of the man you "love with all your heart," were you? what he doesn't know won't hurt him, right? -- but i did it again -- surprise, surprise; now why did I see that coming? -- my head is all over the place -- I'll bet! -- i actually have started to fall for the other guy -- too bad for the other guy -- but i no even if i leave my partner we wont be together -- so, the real reason for not leaving your partner isn't you amazing love for him, but that you won't be able to snag the guy you're shagging behind his back; nice! --. he has been messaging me wanting to meet up again i no its wrong but it gives me butterflys when i am around him -- so, it's not your fault if you keep seeing him, it's the butterflies' fault. im puttin my partner through hell because ive changed towards him and he doesnt no why. its killing me -- no, it's not killing you; it's bothering you a little bit but not enough to cause you break it off with the other guy and tell your partner what you've done -- that im hurting him because i do love him ALOT. I think we've already demonstrated that that's not true! how can i put my stupid mistakes behind me and build a better future with my partner? What you really mean is, won't someone tell me that I don't have to tell my partner what I've done as long as I don't get caught and it's also OK if I keep seeing the other guy because I'm really a nice person, because I love my partner "ALOT" and because I'm not responsible for my actions because I drinks too much sometimes and gets butterflies when I sees the guy I'm cheating with (and because I've got lots of other excuses, too). :confused:
OK, that was pretty cruel, I admit. But I think you had it coming. More importantly, I think you needed to see the heartless person your post makes you out to be. Maybe you really do have strong feelings about your partner and want to build a future with him. But, if this is true, then you already know that what you are doing is terribly wrong, that for his sake you have to tell your partner what you've done and that you have to summon up the self-control to stop seeing the other guy if you are to have any hope of staying with your partner. And you also know that, even if you do all these things, it's probably over between the two of you.

My guess is that you're not a bad person, just an immature young woman who isn't nearly ready to settle down. Better to tell your partner what you've done and break off with him (so that he can have some peace of mind and find someone who is ready for a serious relationship). Then, start learning about yourself: why do you drink to the point of losing self-control, why do you make silly excuses instead of taking responsibility for your actions, why are you so comfortable doing what you know is wrong and why can't you stop doing something that you know is hurting someone you love?

I'm afraid that, if you don't get answers to these questions now, you're in for a lot of heartache down the road and I don't wish that on anybody.

Instead, I wish you well.
 

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The first step (of many) in making this right is to commit to having zero contact with this "family friend" for the rest of your life. FOREVER. That's a pretty big deal. It means changing a lot. Depending on how close he was as a family friend, it could mean a pretty big change in your lifestyle. But whatever, you can't stay with your partner and maintain contact with your affair partner. Not even as friends.
 
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