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BluesPower—Yes, I agree with you. I do have issues and have not known what it means to understand my self worth. But it will be difficult leaving because I am the one who cheated. According to Biblical rules, he has the right to divorce me. I do not. I was foolish for going through the affair. I should have done something sooner.
But you have to right to leave an abusive alcoholic husband. Look in the bible, it does not say that you have to stay for that anywhere.

YOU alone will not be able to save this marriage alone, and that is what you may try to do.

No church worth it's salt would encourage a woman to stay with your husband, if they do, they are wrong, find another church.

No one person can fix another person, you can fix you, that is it.

You need to think about your interpretation of what the bible says on this...
 

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Hope,

You need to remove yourself and children from an abusive husband. That means divorce. Now "tuff" love...

Quit dreaming. Your affair partner, 42 with kids, was never going to marry you with 4 kids in tow. He has child support and probably alimony payments shackling him no doubt. He saw an attractive woman with no man around and played the Romeo to get you into bed. It worked. He got want he wanted but also knew when to make an quick exit before it got messy. Do you really for fact know he's even divorced? Regardless, you have been played.
 

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You cheated....

He cheated first.

You had an affair with one man.
He had an affair with many.

Many bottles.

This man so hated himself, it overflowed onto you.

I would give him a timetable to improve himself.
If he cannot or your love for him does not re-blossom.
Pull up roots, replant your life in another garden.

A garden having flowers, some roses.
A garden having no weeds, no Dandy Lions.



The Typist I-
 

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As a fellow Christian there is no condemnation (or shame) for those in Christ. God can always work the good from the bad but he did tell the women caught in adultry go and sin no more. People can change and good can come from it. Praying you are both willing to make the changes.
 

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He has child support and probably alimony payments shackling him no doubt. He saw an attractive woman with no man around and played the Romeo to get you into bed. It worked. He got want he wanted but also knew when to make an quick exit before it got messy. Do you really for fact know he's even divorced? Regardless, you have been played.
The trouble is when a woman is in thirties+ she typical has the choice of a man paying child support (and maybe alimony) or a man who's got child support recovery chasing him for non-payment. Choose your poison. On her being played, why should she care. She got some relief and had a good time. In a manner of speaking, I can argue she played him to an equal or a greater extent. They both got something out of it and hurt nobody in the process. (except maybe her old man who got what was coming to him if we take her word at face value)
 

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Cheating is, was wrong.

He cheated first.
Not with a women.

He cheated with a bottle.
...........................................

He so hated, hates himself, it overflowed on to you.

..........................................

I would give him a [time limit] to repair what is broken.

.........................................

If he fails and I suspect he will, leave him, start anew.
 

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Discussion Starter #27
First you got married way to young.
What ever you were looking for because of
childhood issues, and your father you got
into a bad relationship. You should have ended
that relationship long ago, You deserve better.
Never stay in an abusive relationship or cling
to someone else. Including the new man who
you are seeing.

He is single with two kids for
a reason. Do you know why ? Did he cheat on
someone ? Find out before you go from one
bad relationship to another. Two wrongs do
not make a right .

I suggest the following

Get a lawyer and divorce. Make sure your
worthless husband takes care of the kids.
Your marriage is not worth saving. Your husband
has not changed and probably never will.

Stop the affair and cheating until you know
what you are seeking and why. Again do not
go from one bad situation to another. I say
this because the other man knows your married.
Why is he cheating with a married woman ? That
makes me question his character, I may be wrong.

Counseling for yourself is needed for all of the issues
in your life, past and present. Stop blaming yourself
and husband because of these issues. You are both
wrong. I think you can see that. The past is the past
and you need to heal yourself first. Take care of yourself
first for your sake and the kids. Moving forward for you
must be in a positive direction not continuing the same
direction you are now going.

Everyone makes mistakes but it is up to you to find out
why you continue doing so.
Yes, you made some great points. I do know some things why his wife left, probably not all. I am aware that she has been in numerous relationships since. If I did go to this man, I can see myself repeating some of the same patterns. I have a hard time standing up for myself. I tend to cower when dealing with someone whose personality is stronger than mine. I am hoping seeing this therapist will help. I'm also reading Co-dependent No More and others like it.
 

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Discussion Starter #28
Cheating is, was wrong.

He cheated first.
Not with a women.

He cheated with a bottle.
...........................................

He so hated, hates himself, it overflowed on to you.

..........................................

I would give him a [time limit] to repair what is broken.

.........................................

If he fails and I suspect he will, leave him, start anew.
I forgive and sometimes too easily .... It's so hard now because I am afraid of giving any more years to this man. What I wrote in my original post about him, he would concur with. He knows how he has treated me and admits his faults but can he really change...I don't know.
 

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Discussion Starter #29
The trouble is when a woman is in thirties+ she typical has the choice of a man paying child support (and maybe alimony) or a man who's got child support recovery chasing him for non-payment. Choose your poison. On her being played, why should she care. She got some relief and had a good time. In a manner of speaking, I can argue she played him to an equal or a greater extent. They both got something out of it and hurt nobody in the process. (except maybe her old man who got what was coming to him if we take her word at face value)
I believe I hurt him (my affair partner) and I am hurting, too...At least for a little while, I saw what a relationship could look like and now that it's gone, it's painful.
 

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Discussion Starter #30
As a fellow Christian there is no condemnation (or shame) for those in Christ. God can always work the good from the bad but he did tell the women caught in adultry go and sin no more. People can change and good can come from it. Praying you are both willing to make the changes.
Thank you. My pastor recently preached on that passage...
 

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OP, you're going to get a lot of cookie cutter responses like this from people who believe any and all marriage should be saved and that adultery is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. Unfortunate, these posters don't really understand how to read the deeper issues in the marriage that can lead to infidelity.

You grew up in a household with an abusive father and you married a man who is abusive. How sad it is that your husband finally showed you an ounce of his feelings for you when you confessed to cheating; however, his tears were merely a form of emotional manipulation. From your post, your husband sounds like a narcissist and why he cried is because he can't stand that you found someone better than him.

I'm with those who say to file for divorce and make sure you get a lawyer that will get you an excellent outcome. Your husband doesn't deserve you and deserves all the pain that he gets. Treating you the way he did is not right at all. When you divorce make absolutely sure that everyone you talk to know that he's an abusive alcoholic.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE GET YOURSELF INTO COUNSELING SO YOU CAN START TO MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES!
One form of abuse doesn't justify another. She should have divorced him. This is honestly where Christianity fails and more like Christians fail. She didn't because she thought she was sinning to do so. If she was going to sin anyway and cheat a better "sin" would have been to divorce or at least ask for one. I think the answer is to just separate and stop talking to the spouse. Then you are not "sinning" and the abusive spouse has choices to make, either they divorce or they change. But cheating is still the wrong choice, if anything now she feels trapped by guilt.
 

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Spicy—Thank you for your response and suggestion to make it into paragraph form.
Arbitrator— I am continuing to go to church with my children. Thank you for your advice.
PersonOfInterest— Thank you. "It does not have to define me" Thank you for saying it like that I can be very hard on myself. Yes, I did wrong and there are consequences but its not who I am.
BluesPower—Yes, I agree with you. I do have issues and have not known what it means to understand my self worth. But it will be difficult leaving because I am the one who cheated. According to Biblical rules, he has the right to divorce me. I do not. I was foolish for going through the affair. I should have done something sooner.
Like in my last post nothing in Biblical rules says you have to live with your husband or even talk to him. You just can't divorce. So move out and stop talking to him except in context of your children. I guarantee he will divorce you eventually and you won't be sinning.
 

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Discussion Starter #33
Like in my last post nothing in Biblical rules says you have to live with your husband or even talk to him. You just can't divorce. So move out and stop talking to him except in context of your children. I guarantee he will divorce you eventually and you won't be sinning.
This hit me ...You're right... You said, "She didn't because she thought she was sinning to do so. If she was going to sin anyway and cheat a better "sin" would have been to divorce or at least ask for one."
 

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HopeWords,

The picture you paint of your husband, is of a alcoholic loser who's cruel to you and doesn't love you. In other words, he's a total a-hole. Yet you married him and stayed with him because you are a co-dependent. Your words. Then you cheated on him. You obviously made several bad decisions. It's time to start making good ones.

Get counseling for your co-dependence, divorce your husband and then find another man who is kind and faithful. Your AP is not that man. Why? Because he had no problem with having sex with a married woman. And you may not be that woman for some men, if you are truthful about your past. But I believe there are some men who will be understanding, if you've taken steps to improve yourself and vow not to make the same mistakes.

I wish you luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #35
HopeWords,

The picture you paint of your husband, is of a alcoholic loser who's cruel to you and doesn't love you. In other words, he's a total a-hole. Yet you married him and stayed with him because you are a co-dependent. Your words. Then you cheated on him. You obviously made several bad decisions. It's time to start making good ones.

Get counseling for your co-dependence, divorce your husband and then find another man who is kind and faithful. Your AP is not that man. Why? Because he had no problem with having sex with a married woman. And you may not be that woman for some men, if you are truthful about your past. But I believe there are some men who will be understanding, if you've taken steps to improve yourself and vow not to make the same mistakes.

I wish you luck.
Yes....I was hesitant to post my story but because of advice like this (and several others on here), it is worth it.
 

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Discussion Starter #36
It will be very difficult leaving but I am putting my children into school (finally) I will start working and possibly/hopefully start taking some college classes, too.
 

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This hit me ...You're right... You said, "She didn't because she thought she was sinning to do so. If she was going to sin anyway and cheat a better "sin" would have been to divorce or at least ask for one."
Do this then reset your life. Unfortunately you cheated and that is something you will have to live with, but you can use it to make sure that you make wise choices in the future. I do believe we are all responsible for our choices even the consequences of those choices. Obviously that includes your cheating, knowing how this works this is one of those things that will be a part of your life now forever, frankly as it should be. But that doesn't mean your life is over or you can't have a great prosperous life.

What I think people miss is that this even includes who we marry, all too often people who are in abusive situations take no responsibility for allowing themselves to stay in those situations. I get why given your history maybe you didn't expect more, gut now you should have the idea that you have a responsibility to protect yourself and your kids. You have a responsibility to not be a victim anymore. Finally you have a responsibility to learn from your mistakes and learn to make better choices moving forward. I look at this like the parable of the talents. The servant who acted out of fear and buried the talents did it ultimately because he was afraid of failing so he just continued with status quo. He was eventually called out on this. I know you are suffering and I am not trying to be harsh but what I am saying is you need to have courage and act now in the right way, it's wrong not to.

You have been given the gift of life, it's not right to not protect yourself and strive to have the best life you can. It's not right to stay in a situation with someone who sins and abuses you. It's actually better for your husband for him not to be married to you. Finally it's not right and was never right for you to accept this situation. Now, today start making plans to separate from your husband and move on with your life.

If it were me I would divorce him for the abuse, maybe I would be sinning maybe not, but that would be between me and God, we could deal with that when I meet him, or if he doesn't want me to do that let him plainly tell me so, he is God right? I would take my chances that it's not so black an white, but if you don't want to do that at least do what I said and disconnect from him completely. I mean I personally don't believe God is an ******* who wants me to stay in a lifetime of abuse because I made a bad decision when I was very young.
 

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" It's been hard because we could have been good together IF I had been single."
One thing you should think about -- HE KNEW he was having an affair with a married woman -- what does that tell you about his morals and about his respect for marriage? I think you are much better off NOT being with him now.
 

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I believe I hurt him (my affair partner) and I am hurting, too...At least for a little while, I saw what a relationship could look like and now that it's gone, it's painful.
With all due respect you still have no idea. This is a man morally bankrupt enough to have and affair with a married women with kids. Which means he has poor character, again this means he is no different then your current husband. It may be nice now, just like it was when your were chatting with your husband in the beginning but trust me it will only lead to misery. Character is what makes marriages good, there are times in marriage when you are not happy or it's just hard even when both people are trying their best, but character is what gets both of you through these times.

After you end your marriage you should really work on your picker. If you want the kind of marriage you say you do a lot of the chance of success is going to come down to who you pick. A man who picks up married women on his job is not going to be the best choice, trust us. You are probably not the first or the last. I am sure that is hard to hear but hear it you must. The man you want is the one who is attracted to you greatly but If you came on to him would tell you he will not break his honor even at the expense of the pleasure you would bring to his life. Because he knows it would be the wrong thing to do and it would bring your husband pain, even if he deserves it. If he cares that much about doing the right thing because of someone he has never met, then when he is tempted (as we all are) how much more would he not act on that temptation because it will hurt someone he truly loves. There are men like this, they make great husbands because they treat everything like this. When you say to them I need you to help me here, they hear you and help. When you say this is not working for me and it is causing me pain, they have the character to change. When you are having a bad period in your life and generally taking them for granted, they call you out on it BEFORE they look to find someone else.

All of these things speak to what I am talking about. Your guy is not going to be this guy. Don't settle just because he makes you feel good or because he was the first one to provide some of what your husband won't. When you are starving any food taste good, but that doesn't make the food a 5 star restaurant.

Get what I am saying?
 

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With all due respect you still have no idea. This is a man morally bankrupt enough to have and affair with a married women with kids. Which means he has poor character, again this means he is no different then your current husband. It may be nice now, just like it was when your were chatting with your husband in the beginning but trust me it will only lead to misery. Character is what makes marriages good, there are times in marriage when you are not happy or it's just hard even when both people are trying their best, but character is what gets both of you through these times.

After you end your marriage you should really work on your picker. If you want the kind of marriage you say you do a lot of the chance of success is going to come down to who you pick. A man who picks up married women on his job is not going to be the best choice, trust us. You are probably not the first or the last. I am sure that is hard to hear but hear it you must. The man you want is the one who is attracted to you greatly but If you came on to him would tell you he will not break his honor even at the expense of the pleasure you would bring to his life. Because he knows it would be the wrong thing to do and it would bring your husband pain, even if he deserves it. If he cares that much about doing the right thing because of someone he has never met, then when he is tempted (as we all are) how much more would he not act on that temptation because it will hurt someone he truly loves. There are men like this, they make great husbands because they treat everything like this. When you say to them I need you to help me here, they hear you and help. When you say this is not working for me and it is causing me pain, they have the character to change. When you are having a bad period in your life and generally taking them for granted, they call you out on it BEFORE they look to find someone else.

All of these things speak to what I am talking about. Your guy is not going to be this guy. Don't settle just because he makes you feel good or because he was the first one to provide some of what your husband won't. When you are starving any food taste good, but that doesn't make the food a 5 star restaurant.

Get what I am saying?
QFT!!!!
 
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