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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
UPDATED (Dec.7) I cheated on my wife, please help me save my marriage!

This is going to be an extremely long read, so I am very sorry in advance! I will divide the post into 2 parts, 1 being the history, 2 being the indiscretions.

I am 41, and have been married to my wife for 14 years; we were high school sweethearts. We have 3 kids together ages 8,6, and 4. I know I am completely in the wrong and I am so sorry about what I have done to my wife and my kids.

I will begin by saying that for pretty much 13 of the 14 years I have been the best husband I believe I could be. I had a very successful career, I attained wealth and a terrific job, really early on and was very comfortable by my early 30s. My wife and I travelled frequently around the world, never wanted for anything material. Even having 3 kids, our children and us, never had need for anything. We were sometimes financially stressed though. On the surface, we have/had the picture perfect life; top careers, beautiful home, beautiful children, exciting life.

Underneath the perfect picture, my sex life with my wife was/is far from ideal. I would describe myself as very passionate, emotional, sexual person. Yes I have a very strong sex drive and I know that is part of the problem. However, by contrast, my wife is very logical, non-emotional, sometimes cold-like. I have unfairly described her from time to time as an "ice-queen". We are both fairly attractive people. I have kept in shape as I aged and I look a lot younger than I am. I have always been attracted to her, physically and else-wise, and she to me as well. (by her words). However, she has never had much of a sex drive at all. She has always been career driven, and twice in our marriage, during a time of significant conflict with us regarding her work and my feelings/opinions, she chose work first, over me. This has always been a sticking point for me, one that I haven't really forgiven her for; another problem.

So as I said our sex life is sometimes okay to mostly a problem. I want to have sex a whole lot more than she ever does, and she will not initiate sex ever. I feel pathetic that I have to initiate it 99% of the time; as often times it's like begging for it. I feel dehumanized by doing it, yet I want it and all the while know I'm a slave to my sex drive, which makes it worse. I think in all our 14 years, she may have initiated sex less than 5 times! She has said she is attracted to me and that I do turn her on, and when we do have sex, she is completely satisfied. She has sometimes said that she loves sex when we have it, but she does not necessarily need to have it...at all sometimes! contrast this to the fact that I would have sex once or twice daily if I could. We have gone weeks not having sex from even the start of our marriage in our 20s, and I found that totally unacceptable (think of a young, successful, good looking 20 something going without sex that long!). Even more humiliating, is the countless times I will admit that sex for us amounted to me dry humping her leg while we lay in bed like a F&&*#ing dog, or even worse, having sex with her in bed, lying down from behind, and she falls asleep! I am going to come out and say countless times I've basically had sex with my wife, sleeping. (she started out awake). Yes it's completely pathetic, and I feel like total **** for it. It's a total beating on my masculinity and my ego, of which I know I could get what I needed from another woman, if I wanted to.

As I said as humiliating as this sounds, more often than not I have had to resort to leaving the bedroom because she didn't want sex, to go to the TV or computer and watch porn with masturbation as my only escape. This only worsened my problems as of course I became addicted to fantasizing about different women and what it would be like..etc.

Now I mentioned that my wife chose her career over me twice in our relationship. Once when she basically left me for what I'm guessing was a few months to study for her designation, mind you this studying included being with all her classmates 24/7, out to very late hours of the night, at bars to blow off steam, etc. I basically had no girlfriend for months. I was essentially alone and felt it. I told her how I felt; which was I thought she could spend more time with me as well during this important period of her life, rather than always and only with her classmates, as much of the evenings /nights were out, not necessarily studying. She didnt' agree, and to this day, says she would do the same again and that really hurts me.

The second time she chose career over me was 2 years ago. She decided that she wanted to do her EMBA at a very prestigious school. I implicitly told her that I could not handle 3 young children mostly on my own, and asked her if she could put this off to some later time, when the kids were a bit older and more manageable (they were like 5,3 and 1-2 at the time) Mind you the degree required her to be away from home and at the school which was in another city, every other or third weekend. Add to this that every other weekend she had class and meetings all weekend and throughout the week after work. So I hardly saw her. She works long hours at a very successful job, and would come home late, and eat dinner or not, and go straight to studying in her home office and if it wasnt' that she'd have to go out to meetings with her local work groups (other students in the area doing the same program). This lasted for nearly 2 years, all the while I was daddy daycare with 3 young children. I grinned and bared it for 2 years, and honestly I hated it and it hurt me very much that she would just do what she wanted regardless of how I felt and esp. that she said she would do it again, given the situation.

CONT'D next post of mine...
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 · (Edited)
My problems began when I went on a work trip to Hong Kong / Macau 3 years ago and met a girl there, while going out for drinks after work, she turned out to be an escort. We messed around a bit (I was drunk), but I did not do the 'deed'. That was my first experience of any kind outside the marriage with another woman. I'll admit, I enjoyed having a very attractive woman dote over me. However, it was limited to just kissing, petting. However, this experience never left me and I felt tempted to be with other women since then.

Well, fast forward to 1 year ago, while my wife was in the worst part of her EMBA, the busiest part. near the end, where I especially barely saw her! You must also know that due to her schedule, studies, work, our sex life was even worse than already a bad situation. I remembered the escort I met in Hong Kong/Macau and I decided that I would get an escort here at home. On one of her many weekends away I did it. I called an escort and I had sex with her.

I was already a very sexually frustrated and pent up person with a roaring sex drive, and call it immature, animal,whatever, but this experience was a tremendous release for me. I became very addicted to this feeling. Over the course of the last year, I cheated on my wife several times with several different women. Some were escorts, some were women I met over the internet that just wanted the same thing I wanted: sex.

Now as horrible as this sounds and as horrible of a person I was to do this, this is not all. As I told you, I am very addicted to porn; watching it,etc. This led me to video tape my rendezvous with my webcams, so that I could masturbate to them at a later time when of course I would be wanting sex, but my wife wouldn't give it.

And that's not all. I have had a friendship in the last year or so that bordered on romantic, but in all honesty, never went beyond an arm around the shoulder or hugging when greeting or leaving, with a female friend of mine, whom I admit I find very attractive and who is the polar opposite of my wife in terms of being emotional, passionate, and 'alive'. I did not cheat on my wife with this girl. However I did keep my relationship with her a secret from my wife, who knew who she was distantly, as I knew my wife would not take to my friendship with this girl kindly.

This all leads up to the inevitability that on my latest 'date' with my friend, my wife got suspicious while I was out, and went rifling though my computer, eventually finding pictures of me and my friend together at dinner or lunch etc. Worse yet, my wife also found my videos and pictures of my indiscretions with the other women.
This has of course led to basically my marriage being in tatters. This just happened. I am basically sleeping in our house's rear attachment, far removed from my wife and kids. My wife and I are not speaking and when we do, it's her yelling and crying. I try to apologize and talk, but it's no good at the moment. She won't have any of it, and rightfully so.

I cannot repeat how sorry I am for doing what I did, and I know what I did was incredibly hurtful and a total betrayal to my wife. I don't know how I got here. My wife will eventually kick me out of the home or leave herself. I cannot imagine what this will do to the kids. I can't let that happen.

I know she and people reading this will not believe it, and I know I was deceitful and a liar but I truly love my wife and want to fix this. I put all my life into my wife, my home and my kids. I admit the last year I've been a dog. I don't know what else to say.

I would very much appreciate some advice on what I could do to save my 14 year marriage to my high school sweet heart.
 

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Seems you found a problem with a lock and blasted the door open with a pump action shotgun. And then said: "Gosh! The door's open! But I never expected a hole THAT size!"

Reconciliation? It's up to your wife.

Several woman? Several times? Several means any number over two. Exactly how many times over two? Does you wife know all the details?
 

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Honestly that's going to be impossible to fix.
Its not going to help but give her peace of mind and get Blood work for various diseases and give her the paperwork. Its the least you can do sense you were seeing working girls. This needs to be done ASAP. Even if you weren't having sex, she still deserves to know if you brought any disease into the house
 

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You can't save your marriage...you killed it.
You might be able to build a new one out of the ashes...if your wife can forgive you enough to want that.

I wouldn't be able to forgive my H this...

Your sex life WAS horrible and no-one deserve to put up with that but it's never OK to have extra marital sex...ever.

Let her go... what a mess.
 

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Other than getting tested for STIs there's really not much you can do. Get tested and at least let her know she's safe. Yeah I know, y'all haven't had much sex. But she doesn't know how long it's been going on. At least give her that bit of information.

Get yourself into counseling. Let her know you're going. Offer to pay for her counseling too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
Was divorce ever discussed before the affairs ?

You found cheating on her easier than separation?
Divorce was never discussed. She was happy in our marriage and totally career oriented.

I am an A personality type who thought I could make it work. I thought I could get around the sex part. I love her.
It's like I watched myself in the last year like I was watching a movie...I can't even put myself in my own shoes with it.

I know people won't believe me, but I love her more than anything. it's super cliche now, but my indiscretions were purely sex, maybe ego..I don't know anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Seems you found a problem with a lock and blasted the door open with a pump action shotgun. And then said: "Gosh! The door's open! But I never expected a hole THAT size!"

Reconciliation? It's up to your wife.

Several woman? Several times? Several means any number over two. Exactly how many times over two? Does you wife know all the details?
7 times, 7 women. never the same woman twice. she knows the details. when she confronted me I confirmed 7/several.
 

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Well, from your side of the story you wife emotionally abused you for years by withholding sex.

You compounded it by cheating on her.

Cheating is never ok. Neither is emotionally abusing one's spouse.

I know you love your children. But other than that why would you even want your marriage back? If it was so filled with emtional pain for you, this is the time when you should really think about ending the marriage.

Fight to get 50% custody of your children.

Then if you want to be married, go find a woman who can actually show love to her husband and who has a sex drive.
 

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You have to stop calling these 'indiscretions.' This is a searing stab to your wife's heart.

You already know that the solution to your problem with your sex life was to approach the issue together with your W (go to counseling, for example). You already know that what you did was marriage-killing.

You frame your behavior as a result of your mismatch with your W regarding sex, but I'm betting that you really, really enjoyed those other women. I'm betting that you weren't just getting a physical 'release.' I'm betting that it was exciting and passionate and sexy, and especially that you only stopped because you got caught.

If I think those things, I'm also betting that your W is thinking them. The hurt she is experiencing is only imaginable to you if you put yourself in her shoes. Have you asked yourself how you would feel if you discovered that she did what you did? If so, then ask yourself what she would have to do to try to win you back. Maybe that's the first step toward figuring out if you have any chance at all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
You have to stop calling these 'indiscretions.' This is a searing stab to your wife's heart.

You already know that the solution to your problem with your sex life was to approach the issue together with your W (go to counseling, for example). You already know that what you did was marriage-killing.

You frame your behavior as a result of your mismatch with your W regarding sex, but I'm betting that you really, really enjoyed those other women. I'm betting that you weren't just getting a physical 'release.' I'm betting that it was exciting and passionate and sexy, and especially that you only stopped because you got caught.

If I think those things, I'm also betting that your W is thinking them. The hurt she is experiencing is only imaginable to you if you put yourself in her shoes. Have you asked yourself how you would feel if you discovered that she did what you did? If so, then ask yourself what she would have to do to try to win you back. Maybe that's the first step toward figuring out if you have any chance at all.
I very much appreciate your input.
I booked an appointment to see a marriage counsellor myself in 2 days (the earliest I could get). I would very much like to go together, but she won't.

I know what I did was probably marriage killing. But in some ways, the marriage had parts of it killed earlier on I suppose.

I will be completely truthful and forthright with regards to your third paragraph, even if it damns me more:
Definitely, all of the affairs were a sexual release to me.
Most of the affairs were purely a physical thing for me, of course I enjoyed it, but it didn't stay with me.
Some of the affairs were exciting. Mostly, just in the way that it' feels to be with a different woman, esp. a very attractive one at that. i'd say it was a physical excitement. again, it didn't stay around. i felt that for the moment. I am not trying to justify it in any way, but I don't really know any man who wouldn't get 'excited' being around a very beautiful woman.
Only 1 of my 7 affairs was passionate imho, and mostly due to the fact that the girl was gorgeous and the sex was extremely great, so I can understand the term sexual compatibility after that.

I can't say that I only stopped because I got caught. The only thing I can truly say I had been intending to possibly continue was my friendship with my girl-friend.
Yes, you're possibly right, who could say?, given more time, sexual frustration, I might falter again. All I know now is that with my marriage at the bottom of an endless pit, I would do my very best in all I can promise to not do that again, if it meant I could keep my marriage to my wife.
 

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And that's not all. I have had a friendship in the last year or so that bordered on romantic, but in all honesty, never went beyond an arm around the shoulder or hugging when greeting or leaving, with a female friend of mine, whom I admit I find very attractive and who is the polar opposite of my wife in terms of being emotional, passionate, and 'alive'. I did not cheat on my wife with this girl. However I did keep my relationship with her a secret from my wife, who knew who she was distantly, as I knew my wife would not take to my friendship with this girl kindly.

This all leads up to the inevitability that on my latest 'date' with my friend, my wife got suspicious while I was out, and went rifling though my computer, eventually finding pictures of me and my friend together at dinner or lunch etc.
Along with the videos (permanently burned in her brain) this is what is possibly the ultimate dealbreaker. Given she's low sex drive she might "understand" at a certain level NSA sex. But for BWs emotional attachments is what kill them inside: Secret "friendship", pictures of lunches, dinners, "dates"? You had a complete double life, a side GF. This was a full EA. Many marriages would't resist "just" this. You did cheat with this girl. Complete betrayal, destruction complete. It's not you have no any chance. It's up to her but better start getting a better grasp about your "friendship". Stop minimizing it. Minimize nothing. It won't help you regardless the outcome.
BTW, you friend is not friend at all. Females friends don't go dinners or dates with married men. It's ridiculous. She is the OW. The main, most dangerous one. Your wife knows she the real danger. Any betrayed woman will tell you so.

Lets' face it. You found you wife didn't give you sex enough (so you got it elsewere) not intimacy enough (so you got it elsewhere). I highly suspect you not only "met your needs" elsewere, you were punishing your wife. The "friendship" was an "EA in revenge". The ultimate one.

Also... my I ask why do you want back a wife who's likely withold sex even more, be more unavoidable at an emotional level and will put you even lower in her priorities? Let along the anger. Do you think she's going to change, to make out of it a "wake up" call?

Google emotional affair, visit Shirley Glass website, fill the quizz, purchase two copies (one for your wife) of Not Just Friends, from the same author.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Along with the videos (permanently burned in her brain) this is what is possibly the ultimate dealbreaker. Given she's low sex drive she might "understand" at a certain level NSA sex. But for BWs emotional attachments is what kill them inside: Secret "friendship", pictures of lunches, dinners, "dates"? You had a complete double life, a side GF. This was a full EA. Many marriages would't resist "just" this. You did cheat with this girl. Complete betrayal, destruction complete. It's not you have no any chance. It's up to her but better start getting a better grasp about your "friendship". Stop minimizing it. Minimize nothing. It won't help you regardless the outcome.
BTW, you friend is not friend at all. Females friends don't go dinners or dates with married men. It's ridiculous. She is the OW. The main, most dangerous one. Your wife knows she the real danger. Any betrayed woman will tell you so.

Lets' face it. You found you wife didn't give you sex enough (so you got it elsewere) not intimacy enough (so you got it elsewhere). I highly suspect you not only "met your needs" elsewere, you were punishing your wife. The "friendship" was an "EA in revenge". The ultimate one.

Also... my I ask why do you want back a wife who's likely withold sex even more, be more unavoidable at an emotional level and will put you even lower in her priorities? Let along the anger. Do you think she's going to change, to make out of it a "wake up" call?

Google emotional affair, visit Shirley Glass website, fill the quizz, purchase two copies (one for your wife) of Not Just Friends, from the same author.

yes I can see that I lived a double life. You may not believe me, but I seriously was hoping to find what it was that my 'friend' has that I enjoyed, and bring some of that into my marriage. I don't understand why a man couldn't have a friend who was a woman, so long as he didn't sleep with her, which I did not.
I already have committed to my wife that my friendship with the woman is over.

Your suspicions are probably right, and when you word it that way, as I read it, I feel it. I have never forgiven her for some things and I hated how she made me feel, second to her work and a slave begging for sex. it belittled me.
but while I feel some anger regarding those topics, I seriously did not do any of it to punish her. I don't know why I did it other than that I was sexually frustrated and feeling pretty low.

I want my wife back for many reasons, off the top of my head:

- i truly do love her
- we have had a wonderful life (outside of sex) together
- we have a wonderful family/kids together, which both of us are very involved parents, me more so admittedly, as she spends more time on her career.
- she is all i know for so long. call it comfort, whatever, but it feels like home.

i could say more, but my mind isn't exactly clear atm

and you bring up a good point. after this, she will be even colder with me undoubtedly, as well as sex being done for.

you know how women have vibrators that give them pleasure? well I need that, because I have a hard time getting it at all in my marriage, with respect to sex. you're right, I'm not getting the sex i need, and the sex i get, is rarely intimate, it's mechanical, though pleasurable. if i could have a mechanical robot/machine/android that provided me the intimacy and pleasure in sex, that for me would be like a woman's vibrator, then I would have that.

if I could separate out the sex from this I would, but it is a basic need. excluding the sex, I really felt my marriage was amazing. Like I said, as I sit here, I feel like I've been out of body, watching myself in a movie.
 

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The way I see it is if your wife was withholding sex and putting her career before your marraige, she is just as much as fault for destroyint the marraige. I dont know how anyone can remain faithful with a marraige like that. Why would you want to hang on to her?
 

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You should have put your feet down BEFORE the affairs. You should have expressed how unhappy and resentful you were or even threatened divorce. You decided to take the coward's way out.

Now, it's too late and I'd think you'd be happier if you were divorced. Your sex life will not approve and the resentment you hold for your wife putting her job first will never go away.

Sure, it will be hard for the kids but I think you two staying together would be even harder on them.
 
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