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I cheated...how do we recover

5455 Views 16 Replies 13 Participants Last post by  crossbar, 
B
Sorry...this is going to be long. Hope you have time for my rambles.

H and I have been together off and on for about 15 years. We met at a bar but attended the same small college and knew each other from school. From the beginning, our relationship was rocky. We had many issues with trust and drinking. I always said that no one else had ever treated me as badly as him yet I stuck around. I knew from day one that I loved him. Not sure why, but just knew it.

We dated through college with lots of back and forth because of his drinking and anger. I drank too and was far from perfect but we just always had a lot of problems. I would always say I was going to leave him but I never did.

Fast forward 10 years and we finally got married in 2007. After 10 years of dating, I practically forced the marriage, picked out my own ring, made the payments and everything. He agreed to everything but it would never happen if he did it on his own. Once the ring was in, he surprised me with the date of the actual proposal. I always felt kinda strange about that whole thing but I wanted us to be a family so bad.

Since getting married 5 years ago, we have had 3 amazing children (4 years old, 2 years old and 7 months old). My husband got his act together and starting making decent money. Before that, I had been the one with the better job and had happily supported us knowing that one day the tables would turn. Even with his good job, his drinking never ended. It's actually gotten worse. We have had so many fights, things broken, verbal abuse, just a complete nightmare for me. To the point where he left the 3 kids home alone to walk and get a 6 pack. He also sat on the baby while drunk at my parents house. Those things were the final straw for me. Things like this had been happening for years but once the children were involved I snapped. But instead of being brave enough to leave, i was a coward and cheated.

I'm so mad at myself for not just leaving. I took the easy way out and sought comfort in OM who is our neighbor. Worst decision of my life. God, if I could only turn back time. I'm so angry at myself. This is not the person that I wanted to be. Now there is no turning back. H has been sober for a few weeks now and he is the man that I've missed for years. The drunk H was a person I didn't like and had been falling out of love with. Ive always held out hope that the person I fell in love with would return, I think that is why I never left. I do however realize that is NO EXCUSE for my actions and deceit.

So my point is, I love him with all my heart and soul. I f'ed up big time and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to properly express to him how much I love him. We have been through soooooo much together over the past 15 years. He is my life. I cannot imagine an existence without him. From day one I knew I loved him and now I messed everything up. I've missed the sober man so much and now that he is back he hates me. How do I recover from this? How do I know that the alcoholic will not return? Thats person I fear. If he comes back, I don't know what will happen with us. Not sure what to do. I love my sober husband so much and want a lifetime with him but I'm not sure if he will stay sober and if he will ever forgive me.

I'm at fault here and want to show him that I'm owning up to things and I love him. Please help!!!

ps....we recently started counceling but its very new and currently only once a week. not enough at all but with his job and the kids, little money and no family near us.....once a week is all we can do at this point.
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sigma1299
Recover? That's an extremely dysfunctional relationship, it may not be possible to recover, but it's not necessarily a lost cause either. What's done is done - your cheating, his drinking and abuse - it can't be changed so don't try.

The only way to find out if it's possible to recover, if there is anything to recover, is to be completely and painfully honest with each other. Why waste any more time being dishonest. If the relationship isn't going to make it better to figure it out now and move on as amicably as possible.

You have 15 years invested in a relationship with a person you THINK exist behind the drinking, your H has 15 years invested with a woman who he THOUGHT would not betray him. Time for some radical honesty, some serious soul searching by both of you, and some serious commitments to yourselves and each other if you move forward.

Break it or fix it. Don't try to glue back together what has now fallen apart.
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canttrustu
I agree. I think it sounds like nothing but a total overhaul of the entire relationship will do. R is a difficult and painful process even to those who previously had strong individuals in a strong marriage. R is not for the weak at heart or in mind. Sigma is right, dont just put a bandaid on this. It will only get worse. Decide if what you want is worth busting your a$$ to get. If it is then ask if it is what he wants. The fact is he may not want R. and if he does- he wont be able to do it while drinking. It takes nothing less than your/his full effort/capacity in the best of circumstances.
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B
Her Husband is on here and has his own thread
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Almostrecovered
Huh? Are you saying this is HH's wife?
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B
H suggested I post on here too.
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B
First thing he needs to do is stay clean and get his head on straight before he can even think of R'ing with you. You should of just D'ed him if alcohol was the issue and not compound the problem, probably driving him further into wanting him to drink more.
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Pit-of-my-stomach
Tell him what you just said here and give him space. Keep in mind, your words don't mean much at this point.

His drinking and your choice to engage in a half-a$$ exit affair have put your family on a very tough, and very long path.

Unless you both own your contributions to this disaster and lay down your scorecards on who's more or less to blame you don't have a snowballs chance in hell.

Your children need you both, its time for both of you to grow the fu*k up and be parents. They are your greatest accomplishment, and the meaning of life. Your partners in that, forever. married or divorced, like it or not. Take the lead, find a way to forgive yourself and start walking the walk. It's a long journey, it's up to him to decide if he's taking it with you. Regardless, you need to take it. Your babies need you.

There's a ton of advice here and your story mirrors a million others. The whole thing is painfully common. Start reading and put one foot in front of the other... Over and over.

STick around people here can help.

Im sorry your here. but I wish you all the strength you'll need.
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alte Dame
I've followed your husband's thread. People have been stressing throughout the importance for him of getting and staying sober. This is clearly a separate and urgent issue for him and has to be the basis for him to get his life back on track.

If he succeeds in doing this, it will take some time before he really feels the physical/mental/emotional benefit of sobriety. He will gradually feel stronger and stronger in all ways. As this happens, he will be evaluating and reevaluating. You will have to support him in all of this. It sounds like your cheating was the catalyst for his revelation that he needs to stop his drinking. If so, you have to do what he needs to make sure he stays on the wagon.

You should be actively looking at groups like Al-Anon, for example. (He wrote, I believe, that you had encouraged him to drink as a cover for your A - if so, your behavior has to be literally the opposite of things like that.)

He may not forgive your cheating. He may not get over that, but neither one of you will know how to proceed if you're drowning in booze.

So, first things first - you work with him to make sure he stays in a program to get sober.
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B
first, id like to say thank you for listening. for h and myself, having support from others who understand the situation is very important.

secondly, id greatly appreciate some input on the steps i should be taking. im trying to let him know with my words and actions that i am owning up to my deceit. i fully understand its hard for him to accept that now because he has lost all trust in me. its going to take time. im just worried im not doing the right things.

i want to help him recover from his addictions too. the only problem is he doesnt want to start a program or anything because he doesnt believe in them.

every day his emotions towards me go back and forth, as expected. currently, he wants us to file for divorce online without telling anyone. then he wants us to both work out our personal issues and perhaps eventually remarry. none of this would be public knowledge to friends/family and we would remain living in the same house. i guess its a way of ending the current marriage and vows that I broke so maybe one day we could start fresh again. im fine with this if its what he wants. its not that i want divorce at all, i just want to show him that im truly sorry and that im willing to do what it takes for him to heal.

i guess my biggest concern right now is making sure im doing the right things. i do have a huge problem with dealing with his anger. ive feared his anger for a long time because it can be so quick and sometimes violent (not directly at me). so now when he tells me to drink bleach and die, tells me that im a dirty ***** and all that stuff...it takes me to a place where i remember the angry drunk and i get defensive. i need to find a way to deal with this and i dont know how.

thanks again
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baddecisions said:
first, id like to say thank you for listening. for h and myself, having support from others who understand the situation is very important.

secondly, id greatly appreciate some input on the steps i should be taking. im trying to let him know with my words and actions that i am owning up to my deceit. i fully understand its hard for him to accept that now because he has lost all trust in me. its going to take time. im just worried im not doing the right things.

i want to help him recover from his addictions too. the only problem is he doesnt want to start a program or anything because he doesnt believe in them.

every day his emotions towards me go back and forth, as expected. currently, he wants us to file for divorce online without telling anyone. then he wants us to both work out our personal issues and perhaps eventually remarry. none of this would be public knowledge to friends/family and we would remain living in the same house. i guess its a way of ending the current marriage and vows that I broke so maybe one day we could start fresh again. im fine with this if its what he wants. its not that i want divorce at all, i just want to show him that im truly sorry and that im willing to do what it takes for him to heal.

i guess my biggest concern right now is making sure im doing the right things. i do have a huge problem with dealing with his anger. ive feared his anger for a long time because it can be so quick and sometimes violent (not directly at me). so now when he tells me to drink bleach and die, tells me that im a dirty ***** and all that stuff...it takes me to a place where i remember the angry drunk and i get defensive. i need to find a way to deal with this and i dont know how.

thanks again
Click to expand...
I only write this because I lived a similar experience.

You want to fix it. Your tone is telling me that you still feel justified in cheating with your neighbor and hurting his wife.

I don't get it. It smells like a huge rug sweep and blameshift.

If you continue to focus on HIS issues, he will HATE you, and will easily move on to find someone that won't be hurt him anymore.

Not saying he is free of faults. He knows what they are and can fix them on his own.

Yours was a choice to betray, decieve, and damage a man's heart and soul. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what would you do if you were him.

He can stop drinking, but some broken hearts can't be healed. He will live with this pain for the rest of his life.

Good luck. Sorry to add this to you pain. I just know that my ex WW decided that the problem was me, and not her. I am now happily re-married and the drinking issues magically disappeared.
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SomedayDig
Without even reading your BH's thread, I can only say one thing: BOTH of you need to get your sh-t together. For the love of all that is holy you have THREE kids. THREE!! They need stability in life and it seems that neither of you are able to get out of your own damn way because of your individual issues.

Look, there ain't any of us here who are perfect. Far from it. However, when I read a thread like this where kids are involved the way they are - I find it difficult to hold pity or whatever in my heart for either party. Both of ya's brought these kids into the world. Both of ya's are responsible for taking care of them.

Unfortunately, between drinking and screwing around both of your ego's seem to be placed in higher importance that the kids.

Fix that first. Then figure out which one of you is gonna leave the house.
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sigma1299
Well first I wouldn't put up with someone telling me to drink bleach and die - period - the end. But that's just me - or maybe it's not... How can you expect him to respect you when you when you don't respect yourself enough that you let him say that to you?? Like I said - this is a very dysfunctional relationship.

As far as what you need to do for him as a result of your cheating. Cheaters in your position want to imagine that there is this long list of things they must do and steps they must take. Wrong. What you need to is very simple but very difficult.

You need to be totally honest.
You need to be totally transparent.

Really that's it. There are a few details like being willing to answer his questions, the same questions over and over, but mostly it's being honest and transparent. Like I said - simple - but harder to do than it sounds.
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LookingForTheSun
I haven't read the husband's thread - did he stop drinking when he found out about the affair or before?

If he doesn't belive that counseling will help, tell him that what he is doing on his own isn't working either, so he should give it a shot.

The fact that he was verbally abusive before - it won't get any better now that he was cheated on and you both need some serious neutral intervention.

Cheating is NEVER OK. Abuse is NEVER OK. Drinking just makes existing problems worse and assists people in saying and doing things that can hurt a lifetime.

Stop the drinking, stop the lies and get real. From the sounds of it, you two need a third party in the room as you talk through your problems. Let a family member or good friend watch your children during these times and don't get them involved in your poor choices - either of you. Fix yourselves for their benefit because you love them. Fix yourselves and then decide if you really love each other enough to work through the mess of the last 15 years of drinking and abuse and now an infidelity.
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CH
Sometimes you can't recover. You both have deeper issues besides the affair. That only compounds the situation and adds more stress to an already bad marriage (prior to the affair).

His current verbal abuse is understandable but eventually you'll tire of it and grow resentful again and you either leave or you're back to square one again. At some point he's going to have to forgive and move on. If he can't no need to try and R.
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TBT
I'd hazard to say your H is filtering the situation through the mindset of someone in early recovery which can be very foggy.All or nothing thinking(black/white),catastrophizing and jumping to conclusions are things that come to mind.It would be hard for him to really deal with betrayal properly in that state imo.
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C
baddecisions said:
every day his emotions towards me go back and forth, as expected. currently, he wants us to file for divorce online without telling anyone. then he wants us to both work out our personal issues and perhaps eventually remarry. none of this would be public knowledge to friends/family and we would remain living in the same house. i guess its a way of ending the current marriage and vows that I broke so maybe one day we could start fresh again. im fine with this if its what he wants. its not that i want divorce at all, i just want to show him that im truly sorry and that im willing to do what it takes for him to heal.
Click to expand...
Well, the above paragraph above about what's going on with him is called the roller coaster of emotions. Where his emotions are all over the place. THIS IS NORMAL!!! It happens to a lot of betrayed spouses. The question is, are your strong enough to ride out this coaster ride with him? No one really knows how long it lasts because it's different with everyone.

Another thing to look out for is him wanting to have sex with you all the time and a lot! This may or may not happen. This is called hysterial bonding. It's kind of a subconsious animalistic response to reclaim what he believes is his. So, if it happens, don't look at it as his way of forgiving you. It is what it is so don't read too much into it.

And above all else, don't blame his drinking as the reason you cheated. You cheated because you wanted to. No one held a gun to your head. You made a choice! His actions had nothing to do with that!
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