I apologize in advance if this turns into a rant or is hard to follow. My wife and I have been married for 16 years but have been together for 20. When we met it was truly love at first site for both of us. I truly do love my wife more than i can possibly express but I still managed to cheat on her. My wife doesn't believe this and many of you probably won't as well but it was one time only and there was nothing emotional involved at all. I stumbled across the escort section on backpage and started looking at the escorts in our area. One day I called one and set an appointment. I went and felt guilty the entire time. I was there maybe 15 mins in whole start to finish. i hated and despised myself the whole time and since. Even though it made me sick to think about what I had done i was obsessed with looking at backpage. I even went as far as writing down names and numbers and prices of escorts but every time i started looking or thinking about it again it made me feel sick and disgusted with myself. I honestly don't think that I would have ever done it again even though i kept looking. I have honestly been disgusted by and despised myself for what i have done. I can't say exactly why i did what i did other i know that it was something wrong or lacking in myself. I do know that my lack, or unwillingness, or inability to communicate my feelings and other thoughts was a huge factor because that inevitably made me cut myself off from my wife and our marriage to a degree. My wife is the most loving, wonderful, sexy person i have ever known in my life. I know the problem lied/lies with me and i will do any and everything in my power to make things right, or as right as they can possibly be after something like this. I know that my communication problems are the core of what allowed this to happen and i am working on that as much as possible. I have never been one to easily talk about my feelings or things like that but I know that is what it will take to make sure that i never do anything like this to my wife again. She has always said and it makes perfect sense that "you don't fix a marriage by going outside the marriage" and she's 1000% correct in that. No matter how difficult is might be to talk about or how hurtful it may be to myself or my wife it, communicating will NEVER hurt either one of us as badly as what I have done. I wish day to day, minute to minute that i could undo what I have done but I can't. All i can do is promise my wife that it will NEVER happen again. What I have destroyed and almost lost is entirely my fault and I realize now even if i didn't before or even if i had lost sight of what was important that my marriage, our relationship, my wife, the absolute love of my life is the only thing that is important to me and i will do any and everything possible to make things right again. To my wife: I LOVE YOU more than words can express and i am so sorry for what i have done. I know that doesn't ease the pain, the doubt, the anger or fear but it's the truth. I absolutely loathe myself and what I have done to us. I only hope to prove to you that I am still the person that you fell in love with and that i will love and want you forever.