[id10t]

I apologize in advance if this turns into a rant or is hard to follow. My wife and I have been married for 16 years but have been together for 20. When we met it was truly love at first site for both of us. I truly do love my wife more than i can possibly express but I still managed to cheat on her. My wife doesn't believe this and many of you probably won't as well but it was one time only and there was nothing emotional involved at all. I stumbled across the escort section on backpage and started looking at the escorts in our area. One day I called one and set an appointment. I went and felt guilty the entire time. I was there maybe 15 mins in whole start to finish. i hated and despised myself the whole time and since. Even though it made me sick to think about what I had done i was obsessed with looking at backpage. I even went as far as writing down names and numbers and prices of escorts but every time i started looking or thinking about it again it made me feel sick and disgusted with myself. I honestly don't think that I would have ever done it again even though i kept looking. I have honestly been disgusted by and despised myself for what i have done. I can't say exactly why i did what i did other i know that it was something wrong or lacking in myself. I do know that my lack, or unwillingness, or inability to communicate my feelings and other thoughts was a huge factor because that inevitably made me cut myself off from my wife and our marriage to a degree. My wife is the most loving, wonderful, sexy person i have ever known in my life. I know the problem lied/lies with me and i will do any and everything in my power to make things right, or as right as they can possibly be after something like this. I know that my communication problems are the core of what allowed this to happen and i am working on that as much as possible. I have never been one to easily talk about my feelings or things like that but I know that is what it will take to make sure that i never do anything like this to my wife again. She has always said and it makes perfect sense that "you don't fix a marriage by going outside the marriage" and she's 1000% correct in that. No matter how difficult is might be to talk about or how hurtful it may be to myself or my wife it, communicating will NEVER hurt either one of us as badly as what I have done. I wish day to day, minute to minute that i could undo what I have done but I can't. All i can do is promise my wife that it will NEVER happen again. What I have destroyed and almost lost is entirely my fault and I realize now even if i didn't before or even if i had lost sight of what was important that my marriage, our relationship, my wife, the absolute love of my life is the only thing that is important to me and i will do any and everything possible to make things right again. To my wife: I LOVE YOU more than words can express and i am so sorry for what i have done. I know that doesn't ease the pain, the doubt, the anger or fear but it's the truth. I absolutely loathe myself and what I have done to us. I only hope to prove to you that I am still the person that you fell in love with and that i will love and want you forever.

 

[alte Dame]

You're doing a good job of communicating here. Perhaps you should write down your feelings on a regular basis for your W to read.

(I'm assuming she's reading this, since it appears to be directed at her.)

 

[id10t]

I should probably also point out that this is not the first time i have done something wrong involving other women. Shortly after we got together i was obsessed with calling 900 sex numbers and then years later, years ago i was caught up in chat rooms and became a cyber-cheater. My wife sees this as escalating behavior and i completely understand how and why she thinks this. Never have any of my indiscretions had anything to do with my wife and I know that is difficult for her and probably anyone to believe but it's the truth. They all stemmed from something wrong with me. I am determined that nothing like any of these will ever happen again and am working to make sure of that.

 

[alte Dame]

You edited your post to give more detail, so I have some questions. How did you 'stumble across' the escort pages? How did your wife find out what you did?

 

[id10t]

As far as stumbling across backpage i dont know 100% but if I had to guess I would say it came up while searching for or looking at porn. It was honestly something i came across and was surprised because i never thought there was anything like that in our area.

My wife found out because there was a list of names, numbers and prices in my email. I had copied it there at some point and forgotten about it. My wife had and has access to my email and found it there by accident one day. I started out lying and claiming that it was just a list and that I had never done anything. I finally came clean because she already thought i had done it and didn't believe my lies and that's how much I wanted to fix things between us. I knew that couldn't happen or possibly happen unless I told the truth. I honestly didn't know if she would leave me or not.

 

[alte Dame]

Well, it sounds like your W is correct. This is escalating. It also sounds like a very old story.

You are driven to porn - this in and of itself is quite human and natural. Then, it goes a bit further to the personal experience, i.e., chat rooms. You get an itch that you need to scratch & you can't seem to help yourself. And then once you've scratched it, you're calmer and feel guilty because you love your wife. But then the itch starts again & you have to scratch it again & now you're making appointments with prostitutes.

You would have continued doing this if your wife hadn't caught you. Now she knows, though, so you are begging her to believe that it has nothing to do with her.

This strikes very hard at her, though. From her perspective, it has everything to do with her. From yours, you can go several ways:

- Split from your wife so that you can scratch the itch when you want without guilt.
- Beg your W to forgive you & when she lets you stay, you behave yourself until things calm down & then you scratch the itch again. This time, you cover your tracks much better. (She will probably find out again, though, and you will hurt her again.)
- Beg your W to forgive you & when she lets you stay, you go into therapy to learn how you can stop your behavior & not do something like this to hurt her again.

I would opt for the first or third option. If you stay with your W, you need therapy.

 

[MattMatt]

I should probably also point out that this is not the first time i have done something wrong involving other women. Shortly after we got together i was obsessed with calling 900 sex numbers and then years later, years ago i was caught up in chat rooms and became a cyber-cheater. My wife sees this as escalating behavior and i completely understand how and why she thinks this. Never have any of my indiscretions had anything to do with my wife and I know that is difficult for her and probably anyone to believe but it's the truth. They all stemmed from something wrong with me. I am determined that nothing like any of these will ever happen again and am working to make sure of that.

And you know something? She is right. It is. You need to get into IC. very, very quickly.

 

[Horrible Mistake]

I am not sure how to do this, but I need help. I have just been caught emailing, however it never went any further. After reading this, I feel like my husbands actions had steered what I did in the direction it went.
First I must tell you I have had a problem in the past flirting, & attentive to other guys. This time I really messed up. I got on match.com just to look, then I emailed a few guys & sent a couple of pictures. I was horrible. There is no one to blame but myself & since all this has come out I have had all kinds of trouble fuctioning. This is my 2nd marriage, & we recently celebrated our 4th anniversary, but unfortunately we have had several obsticles to overcome. Blending families has been very challenging & has almost put an end to the the marriage. My husband is in the military & has been there for almost 20 years. For whatever reason he has an anger problem. I don't feel like he would ever physically abuse me, but he has been very verbally abusive. In fact the words have really affected me. I 2nd guess abt everything I do, I feel like what I do is never good enough. Anyway can someone tell me what I could possibly do to at least get him to give me 1 more chance in order to try to regain trust. I do love him very much & I know that one of these days it will be the two of us. Thank you

 

[megmg]

Your story mirrors mine except I didn't do the call girls, did 3 ONS, why do we (men) have problems with communication !!!!!.

We too have been together for 20 years (married for 17)

All your feelings I have/had and also started with looking at porn whilst in work.

Your feelings for your wife mirror mine for my wife, it's so hard to talk and get words straight as they always come out wrong when emotion is involved

I too am trying to fix my M. All advice welcome as to how we do this successfully

 

[Horrible Mistake]

What are you doing to regain her trust? Would there be any possible way to keep this marriage alive if she would have tried to reach out to other men?

 

[alte Dame]

It is. You need to get into IC. very, very quickly.

:iagree:

For all three of you on this thread with this problem.

There's a possibility of a sex addiction & therapy might not make it livable for your spouse. No matter what, the therapy is your only shot, in my opinion.

 

[Horrible Mistake]

I am confused. What I did was get on match.com, I never met the guys.

 

[MattMatt]

I am not sure how to do this, but I need help. I have just been caught emailing, however it never went any further. After reading this, I feel like my husbands actions had steered what I did in the direction it went.
First I must tell you I have had a problem in the past flirting, & attentive to other guys. This time I really messed up. I got on match.com just to look, then I emailed a few guys & sent a couple of pictures. I was horrible. There is no one to blame but myself & since all this has come out I have had all kinds of trouble fuctioning. This is my 2nd marriage, & we recently celebrated our 4th anniversary, but unfortunately we have had several obsticles to overcome. Blending families has been very challenging & has almost put an end to the the marriage. My husband is in the military & has been there for almost 20 years. For whatever reason he has an anger problem. I don't feel like he would ever physically abuse me, but he has been very verbally abusive. In fact the words have really affected me. I 2nd guess abt everything I do, I feel like what I do is never good enough. Anyway can someone tell me what I could possibly do to at least get him to give me 1 more chance in order to try to regain trust. I do love him very much & I know that one of these days it will be the two of us. Thank you

Professional counselling might be a good place to start. Could the army help with that?

 

[MattMatt]

I am confused. What I did was get on match.com, I never met the guys.

I think from your husbands point of view, that'd be bad enough, in all honesty.

 

[alte Dame]

Also, HM, I was assuming that you were identifying with OP in terms of his problem. Perhaps you should start your own thread to get some directed help for what you are going through.

 

[costa200]

I apologize in advance if this turns into a rant or is hard to follow. My wife and I have been married for 16 years but have been together for 20. When we met it was truly love at first site for both of us. I truly do love my wife more than i can possibly express but I still managed to cheat on her. My wife doesn't believe this and many of you probably won't as well but it was one time only and there was nothing emotional involved at all. I stumbled across the escort section on backpage and started looking at the escorts in our area. One day I called one and set an appointment.

From man to man, let me call you on your bulsh!t... You "love" your wife so much that you just picked some hooker on a paper and went and had sex with her. You tell yourself whatever you want to make yourself feel good, but as far as I'm concerned you save that kind of antics.

You obviously don't "love" your wife that much, if you were willing to throw it all away for some sex with some hooker.

I know that my communication problems are the core of what allowed this to happen

I beg to differ. What lies at the core of this is that you would rather betray your marriage, risking destruction of it, rather than work on what was wrong.

To my wife: I LOVE YOU more than words can express and i am so sorry for what i have done. I know that doesn't ease the pain, the doubt, the anger or fear but it's the truth. I absolutely loathe myself and what I have done to us. I only hope to prove to you that I am still the person that you fell in love with and that i will love and want you forever.

Is she reading this? Or do you suspect she may have installed spyware on your computer and you're writing this for her eyes?

 

[alte Dame]

For OP and megmg - you both talk of communication problems. Do you mean being able to express your feelings now to your wives, or do you mean in general in your marriages before you were caught cheating?

 

[id10t]

I'm not opposed to counseling, I will do anything i can to try to make things right but I also don't have much faith in it. I am a firm believer in being able to understand and make a difference in yourself. Especially if you have a very intuitive and open wife like I do. That is one of the points about communication that i keep trying to stress to my wife. I honestly feel like if I were to feel an itch to scratch as you put it, that if I am open with my wife then we can figure out what is going on and work it out and fix it together.

 

[Angelvamp64]

I am married to the OP of this thread. He did this for me. I have been lurking here for over a week and was too ashamed to post. He asked me if it would help if he posted on here and I said yes.

I have known for many, many years that he has a problem. I also know he loves me. We have gone through many, many things and have always come out stronger and stronger. Saying I am heartbroken by his actual cheating would be an understatement. I am going through all of the typical things a BS goes through. Why am I not enough for him? If I was younger/thinner/prettier etc, etc. I do believe it is HIS problem. But the thing is, how does he fix it? Can it be fixed? I am willing to do whatever it takes to save this marriage and I believe 100% that is also. We have actually been closer since then happened than we had been in over the past year. We are that strong and determined to make this work. I completely agree he needs professional help, but we do not have the money right now. I am not mad at him and I have forgiven him. The problem now is the never ending images that go through my mind constantly and the thought that he shared what was mine with some trash. I ask myself every second how could he love me as much as I know he does and hurt me like this? How could 15 mins of sex with some trashy call girl be worth it to risk what we have? We have something special and we both know it. I just need for him to get the help he needs so that maybe one day I can trust him again and for some of this unbearable pain to go away...thanks for listening.

 

[id10t]

communications problems in general as far as expressing my feelings and such.