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Don't listen to the "woman is always the victim" crowd on here. It will just lead you to a long, slow and painful divorce. You broke it. You have to bridge the gap. You are an adult, not a child who has to be led by her big strong stoic husband.

Look, you had an affair on your husband. Even if it was mostly emotional, his trust in you just took about the largest hit it ever could. Now someone is telling him you also physically cheated, something that he is already inclined to believe.

If you haven't already, give him full transparency. (Phone, email, social media) Then schedule a polygraph. Don't just talk a good game, prove through your actions that you are now an honest and safe partner.

Trust is slow to earn, especially after being broken. Give him some time. Its not even a year out yet. The fact some people are thinking he should be over this proves they have never lived it.
 

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@SlowlyGoingCrazy

SGC, you went through something similar, no? Could you give the OP some advice?
 

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This is going to be quiet long so grab some popcorn.
My husband and I met 7 years ago, we've been married for 4. so a little over a year ago I had an emotional affair. I knew it was wrong and I felt guilty, I still do to this day. We just heavily flirted, nothing sexual. So one day his girlfriend face booked my husband and told him that she found a bra strap and hair tie and automatically assumed it was mine. my husband messaged the guy to hear his side of the emotional affair and we basically told the same story, then one day AGAIN he gets a message and it says "we did ****" we ended up taking a month break earlier this year and we're back together now but lately things have just gotten worse. He says he can't look at me the same, he doesn't love me the same and it hurts because I'm trying my hardest to make everything better. I've considered counseling which he doesn't want to do, I've tried setting up date nights which he doesn't want to do. He basically wants to be alone all the time and not spend time with me or the kids. I get it that he's hurt and lost but he was the one who said many times that he wanted to move past it and better our marriage. Idk what to do, I've told him to even contact the guy again and ask why he would say that. He has access to my phone, my text messages and everything but I'm not upset because I know he doesn't trust me. I just want him to be able to trust me and we can move on.
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You arrange a lie detector session with three questions

1) Did you have a non-sexual affair with OM?
2) Did you have any sexual contact with OM?
3) Did you have sexual intercourse with OM?

You will -of course- pass the test.

Then you and your husband must decide what -legal- action to take about your OM.
 

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We have 2 kids age 5 and 4. I worked outside from home and now I'm currently working at the same place as my husband. His girlfriend messaged my husband the first time and then got on her boyfriends Facebook and told my husband that we had sex.
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Yes, of course it was his girlfriend who did it. :rolleyes:
 

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@SlowlyGoingCrazy

SGC, you went through something similar, no? Could you give the OP some advice?
Yes, after my EA my husband was pretty bad too and eventually used it to justify to himself his own affair (PA) so I guess my advice would be to watch for that too.

He is not doing anything to fix things, refusing all suggestions you make, not going out on dates or being with you alone. That's on him. If he can't deal with it and work to build a better relationship with you then he should just say so and you both can move on. There's nothing wrong with leaving after an affair.
There IS something wrong with staying but being bitter and refusing to work on anything and holding it against you.

I would present marriage builders to him. It both addresses the affair and what needs to happen to strengthen your marriage. If he can't jump on board with it then it's time to move on.
 

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Yes, after my EA my husband was pretty bad too and eventually used it to justify to himself his own affair (PA) so I guess my advice would be to watch for that too.

He is not doing anything to fix things, refusing all suggestions you make, not going out on dates or being with you alone. That's on him. If he can't deal with it and work to build a better relationship with you then he should just say so and you both can move on. There's nothing wrong with leaving after an affair.
There IS something wrong with staying but being bitter and refusing to work on anything and holding it against you.

I would present marriage builders to him. It both addresses the affair and what needs to happen to strengthen your marriage. If he can't jump on board with it then it's time to move on.
A bit facile in my opinion. Wherever you got there seems to be the wisdom that you shouldn't react in haste, time is the great healer, the feelings will die down, and so on. OP's man is hanging in there, hasn't blown the relationship to pieces, and is just suffering it the way a guy does.

Yes he could work on it, maybe push him towards cognitive behavioural therapy, but don't hang him out to dry because he finds this issue hard to deal with!
 

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He would touch my waist and my sides, that didn't start until I told him I wanted nothing to do with him.
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May I ask how many times this occurred? For the record, you should know before you answer this that I too am a cheater and we are in reconciliation.
 

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I don't want to leave him, I choose not to. I want to fix what I ruined, I want to make things right and go back to when we were happy.
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Another cheater in recon here.
EA's hurt too. Understand that you can't control your H and he is going to do what he wants. That's in his yard.
But, if you want to save your marriage, get out the tools and start ripping up the floor. There's obviously some rotten boards down there.
Before I would have poo-pooed counseling as some sort of hokum. I now believe firmly in the importance of getting help examining the deeper issues. I still attend IC and occasional MC sessions.
Not all counselors are created equal. Took me two or three to find one that is very very good.
 

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You BH is hurt, untrusting, still unbelieving, all perfectly normal under the circumstances. The follow up message "we *****" hasn't helped I am sure, so now he doesn't know what to believe.
You have to sit down and write him a long letter to him explaining how, what, why this happened and you found yourself in the place you did. Tell him the whole truth is in the letter and give him a choice to read it. No excuses, no justifications just the raw truth. Tell him you are prepared to do whatever it takes to heal him and the marriage. You know he is hurting and you are sorry you hurt him but he has to tell you what he needs to move forward.

You should read this to understand where he is now. Eventually you may want to consider some MC, though if you can work through it alone it would be better. Whatever you do, do not allow it to be rug swept as this will only result in resentment and more problems later and even a revenge affair.

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE
 

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Why would the guy tell you and his girlfriend that he had a PA with you?

Just not seeing any motivation for doing that.

Neither does your husband obviously.
 

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Arrange for the polygraph using YOUR money. Write out a timeline of all the 'flirting' and hand it to him. Find a counselor and make an appointment and tell him you've made it. If he refuses to go with you, go anyway. Let him SEE you going, Someone who cheats within seven years of getting married had some issues that need to be ironed out with a professional. And make sure he has NO access to you in any way - FB, email, phone - all cut off.
 

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How deep did the EA go? Long talks where you badmouthed your husband? Proclaimed love for the other man? Talk about a future with the OM? Naked photos?

I'm the type that I don't much worry about "harmless flirting" (though many here will say flirting is never harmless to be sure, and I get that). But to me lines get crossed and it takes it to a whole other level if you this "flirting" starts laying the groundwork for future indiscretions, or if you are sharing things you clearly should never share with someone else (disrespecting husband, sending nude photos, talking about love, discussing explicit sex acts, etc).

I believe I could get past most of that myself...if she was truly remorseful and did the work to correct it. Problem is I've made a TON of hard sacrifices for my W, and in this case, I could not tolerate or accept such a thing. Is your H in that position? That can make the tolerable, unforgiveable sometimes.

Also, right now, he probably wants to believe you, but the unknown is eating away at him. Especially since the OM's woman (or even possibly the OM posing as his woman) tossed a grenade into your reconciliation process by stating you screwed him.

Until that gets resolved, you're headed for a dead end more than likely. He will always question what actually happened now. And it's going to eat at his soul.

I ordinarily don't recommend them, and personally don't trust them, but in this case, I would recommend you (you, not him) set up a polygraph exam. Let your H dictate the questions to be asked, but you set it up and pay for it. Take the lead on this one, and SHOW him you need for him to know that you want him to know the full truth so he can make a fully educated decision on what his future with you should be.

Take the poly, pass it, do the work to repair the damage you've done, and I'd have to think you can get past this.
 

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He has no reason to believe you and every reason not to.

There is no way to convince him that isn't going to look like you're lying to him more.

Sorry, I don't buy the "girlfriend got on his facebook" story any more than your husband is, or any other guy would. I mean, why are you even still friends with this guy on facebook if it was such a mistake for you?

Focus on helping him trust you now, without demanding what you don't have a right to.
 

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He has no reason to believe you and every reason not to.

There is no way to convince him that isn't going to look like you're lying to him more.

Sorry, I don't buy the "girlfriend got on his facebook" story any more than your husband is, or any other guy would.

Focus on helping him trust you now, without demanding what you don't have a right to.
Word...To be honest, I don't believe the OP is being entirely honest with the community. I saw red flags with the...
He would touch my waist and my sides, that didn't start until I told him I wanted nothing to do with him.
Leads me to believe that the "touching" has occurred more than once...and no explanation as to what her response to his "touching" was.

I smell a rat.
 

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I have a buddy whose wife let her ex-husband stay at their house for like three nights while my buddy was at work. She swears nothing happened. Obviously that caused a problem and when my buddy's wife asked me what I would do if my wife did that to me, I told her point blank, "I'd divorce her."
 

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I have a buddy whose wife let her ex-husband stay at their house for like three nights while my buddy was at work. She swears nothing happened. Obviously that caused a problem and when my buddy's wife asked me what I would do if my wife did that to me, I told her point blank, "I'd divorce her."
Mind did that to me early on, about 1.5 years in. One night. He was up there with the kids. She said he stayed in a hotel. I found out differently. All hell broke loose. Broke up with her a week later when I confronted. Even though I knew nothing happened (VAR'ed her azz). It was weeks before I even talked to her again.

The stupid thing was, I told her I'd be ok with it, just let me know. She lied anyway...a "white lie". Because "it was nothing" (true), and she didn't want me to worry.

The lies, even innocent "white lies" eat away at the trust. I forgave and forgot because she's got a heart of gold, nothing happened, and she made a "mistake" with no ill will or hidden agenda. But you can bet her world was rocked sufficiently that she has not (to my knowledge) made such a mistake again. She learned hard and fast I do not tolerate someone I can't trust. Hard couple of weeks dishing out consequences (the "break up"), but had to be done.
 

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Discussion Starter #39
Nothing physical happened between the other guy and myself. He didn't start touching me like that until i said I wanted to cut all ties and his girlfriend moved out. The thing is I've offered poly, I've offered marriage counseling and at one point I even told him to meet me there and if he didn't then I would understand what he wants to do. But before we even met we "patched" everything, I'm not playing victim. I've hurt him and now I'm dealing with it, I just need help with what I should do next. He doesn't come home until 2-3 in the morning now, he ignores my calls. He's not only treating me like crap but he's treating these innocent children like crap when they have nothing to do with it.
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