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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I wish I had found this site under better circumstances but unfortunately, I didn't. Now from what I have read, I know I will probably catch a lot of mess for what I did. I am here because I am in a really bad situation and I need some advice on what to do.

I have been married for 8 years. We have had good times and bad times but for the most part, we always worked through it. We have 3 sons that are 10 months, 6, and 7. I won't give too much back story so I can make this short. My husband has a guy that he works out with. They are also co-workers. My husband is good friends with the guy and sometimes tells me what the guy does. his friend is a womanizer that sleeps with a lot of women. My husband told me how he cheated on his wife and how he is the biggest player on his job.

I thought the guy was pretty disgusting just by what my husband had told me. One day, he showed up to out house to go out with my husband and I was shocked by how handsome he was. He was a real gentleman, in shape, and had a lot of confidence. I could tell why so many women had fallen for him.

To go off topic for a minute, my husband has a problem with saying no. If someone asks him to work later or extra, my husband will always do it but complain later. It really pisses me off and he doesn't come off as being the strong man that I once knew him to be. On top of this, me and my husband have been a bit distant since he has now been working a lot more.

Back in June, me and my husband decided that we will dedicate one day a week to us. No kids or responsibiities, that time would be set aside to work on our relationship and to get closer. So in August, I had a big Sunday set aside for us. The kids were with my parents and me and my husband were supposed to have sex and go out. You can probably guess what happened. He got called in to work and it pissed me off because he could have said no. He chose to say yes.

He said he was sorry but left me there all alone. He was so much in a rush to get to work that he left his keycard at home. He called me and said that his friend would pick it up for him since he was in the area and had to come to work also.

His buddy showed up for the card and I invited him in. It was the first time that I was alone with him so I made chit chat to try to get to know him. We sat and talked for about 30 minutes. I know it was wrong but all I could think about was all the sexual things that my husband told me about him. It was hard for me to carry on a conversation without asking him if it were all true. Somehow, the conversation turned to sex and next thing I knew, I was giving him oral sex in our living room. We also had sex that day. He later told my husband that he had a flat tire so that's why he was late to work.

This affair has been going on since August. looking back, I feel bad for living this lie and lying to my husband. Me and his friend hooked up at a hotel a few times and he has came over a few times while my husband was working.

Throughout all of this, I felt guilty. Earlier this month, I was playing with my boys and I just started crying. I felt that I failed them as a mother and what I was doing was not fair to them. I know that it is best for me to tell my husband but I don't know if I should. This may hurt him so much since that is his good friend.

Whatever I did, I knew that I had to break off the affair. I called him on last week and told him that we can no longer see each other. I told him that my family is too precious to lose and that I can't sleep with him anymore. I thought he would understand but he actually shocked me. He told me that this sexual arrangement will be over when he says that it is over. He says that if I try to break it off, he will tell my husband everything and say that I seduced him. He also described in detail all my tattoos and this is something that would make my husband know he was telling the truth. This hurt me bad and I just didn't know what to do. Although I have been depressed about the whole situation, I have seen his friend twice since the conversation and we had sex both times.

I don't want my husband to find out about this from his best friend. the problem is that I am afraid to tell him myself because I don't know what his reaction will be. I don't want him to leave me and I want to make this relationship work. What should I do to fix this?? His friend says he is serious about tell him and he said that it is over when he says it is over. Help please.
 

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You have to confess to your husband. But first get a recorder and call the other man OM again. Get him to repeat his threat.

Tell your husband what happened. Tell him everything. How it started, how long its been going on, why you decided to stop, & the threat.

Let your husband handle the rest. Expect the worst. Hope for the best
 

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So your husband said yes to extra work, and you said yest to an affair. This man who's having an affair with you, he isn't a friend of your husband's. And the truth is you have failed your kids. Stop rationalizing your affair on your husband doing or failing to do something.

All of what I said may seem harsh but its the truth. And you won't get a lot of sympathy for your situation here. Just keep reading the previous pages upon pages and you'll see your story played out a thousand different times.

Tell your husband the truth. Its better for him to hear it from you than from your lover, statistically speaking a confession will increase your chance of reconciliation.
 

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BjornFree said:
Tell your husband the truth. Its better for him to hear it from you than from your lover, statistically speaking a confession will increase your chance of reconciliation.
I agree 100% with this. Finding truth only through coercion and after many many lies is horrible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Honestly, I wish that I didn't have to tell him and that I could somehow put this behind me. On the other hand, it is better that hears it from me rather than his friend. From what he has told me so far, he doesn't care about anyone else's feelings so I don't think he is bluffing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Well if I could go back to that day I wouldn't even had opened the door. I can't explain how or why we had sex. It just sort of happened. I think I was infactuated at the time and it clouded my judgement. It happens to the best of us. Prior to this, I have never known him to cheat on me and that's another thing that makes me feel very guilty.
 

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You do need to get a tape recording of the OM (other man) threaning you. I know that RadioShack as a recording device that you just plug you phone into.

Make sure you check your state laws about the legality of the recording. In some states you can legally record a telephone conversation if only one person agrees to the records.. that would be you agreeing to it. In other states all parties in the conversation need to agree.

If you are in an 'all party' state then you can only let your husband hear the tape.

If you are in 'one party' state then you can use it to get a restraining order.

So call up the OM and tell him that you are ending it NOW. Let him rant on about his threats. Remind him that he last few times you have been together were legally rape because he used threats to get sex from you. Get it all on tape.

When he threatens to tell your husband back down just enough to get him not to do it. YOu need to be the person who tells your husband.

Then when your husband comes home play the tape for him.

Then call the OM and let him know that you recorded the threats, have let your husband hear them and you are calling the police to press rape charges against this casa nova.

Also let him know that you and your husband are talking out restraining orders against him.

Do you really think that his guy is going to tell your husband? Your husband knows that he's a player. I doubt that your husband will believe that this 'poor player' as seduced by you.. that you forced him to have sex with you. He's not going to tell your husband.

But one thing about you playing the tape to your husband and then, with your husband there, calling the SOB OM to let him know that your husband heard what he said in the phone call(s) with you... this guy will most likely never show up to work again. So your husband will not need to deal with him.

You do this and you are in control as far as the SOB POSOM goes. (Though be very careful about him showing up at your house. If you see him just call the police. DO NOT TALK TO HIM IN PERSON ever again.)

If you play hard ball with the SOB POSOM you will be able to end the affair.

Now you will have to deal with your husband. That's another issue.
 

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All the times you had sex with OM is when you put the kids away?

Dont blameshift the affair on your husband, that because of his inability to say "no", you had the affair. You fell flat on the OM's appearance. You could not resist your lust.

Simple, accept this fact.

Now, get yourself IC and confess the whole affair to your husband. Dont live a life of guilt and cause pain to your husband who believes that you are his wife and not a mistress to his friend.
 

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Honestly, I wish that I didn't have to tell him and that I could somehow put this behind me. On the other hand, it is better that hears it from me rather than his friend. From what he has told me so far, he doesn't care about anyone else's feelings so I don't think he is bluffing.
The OM might not care about anyone else's feelings. But he cares about his own wellbeing... he's self-centered at best. He's most likely a narcissist.

He will not do anything that could get himself hurt.. .like telling your husband and having your husband to ballistic on him.
He’s not your husband’s best friend; he’s not a friend at all. He is quite obviously your husband’s enemy... a user who finds your husband useful.
 

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Sex never "just happens".

There's a series of steps from the moment you get close, to when you're putting a penis into a vagina.

You could have said no. You didn't. You chose to have sex. It didn't just happen. You let it happen.

Own it.
If this is for real tell your husband atleast he will hear it from you first.
 
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