hello, my partner and i have been together for 12 years and have 2 children, 5 weeks ago i made the biggest mistake of my life i betrayed my partner in the most stupid of ways. il try and make this brief.
i worked in a bar/restaurant as a waitress, this 1 night there was a band playing and i thought to myself il stay after work and have a couple of drinks and watch this band for a bit then get the bus home, i sat with a girl whos boyfriend is the manager at this place, anyway i had a couple and went to go home and she said why dont you stay abit longer, which i stupidly agreed to, anyway i ended up staying ther till 4 in the morning, drank more than iv ever drunk in my life ( i dont drink normally). the only people left there was the manager and his girlfriend who live ther and some other bloke, the manager said he was going to lock up so i got up and said im going to flag down a taxi and this other bloke said il walk with you and make sure you get a taxi. my firSt mistake was WHY IN HELL DIDNT YOU PHONE A TAXI???? the second was allowing this person to walk with me, i didnt know him or anything about him, hadnt spoken to him or even looked at him.
in my drunken state i had no care or fear and stupidly started walking with him down the road for 10 minutes wher ther was no talking or nothing, i was concentrating on the path i was walking on and looking out for a taxi, i remember falling over a couple of times. heres wher the biggest regret of my life happens, he crossed my path and nodded his head towards this field, i dont know why but my head just thought yes and followed him and heres wher it gets wierd, its like i went into a daze, in the back of my head i knew what was happening but it was like i was watching a film, like it wasnt me doing it but watching someone else, its hard to explain. i followed into these trees, we stopped, he put his face to mine for a few seconds, took himself out, put a condom on, turned me around and pushed me to the ground, wher i stupidly pulled my stuff down and went through the motions.
the only good thing that happened next is by luck he was very small and wasnt long enough to get anywher near inside me, basicly he was having sex with my legs and it was just hitting the lips. this went on for a few seconds and all of a sudden like someone hitting me in the face i came to, the thought went through my head WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??? i got up so fast and all but run back towards the road while still pulling my stuff back up. i didnt look back and as i got to the road withing 2 seconds a taxi was coming along the road luckily it stopped and i got in.
i dont know why this happened, i showed no interest in him at all, he was ugly, the total opposite of what i find attractive. even when it was happening i didnt show interest,my hands were by my side, i didnt touch him, kiss him, even speak to him.
even when i went to my kness i didnt move a muscle.
i had a long coat on so luckily nothing was on show, and luckily he didnt touch me at all, no bare sking contact at all. my partner says how odd and creepy this is, the fact that he said nothing, didnt try and lift the coat or touch anywher, almost rape like. he didnt even touch me when behind me in anyway.
the whole thing lasted no more than a minute and infact probally only 40 seconds, but 40 seconds seem to have ruined 12 years.
i feel disgusting, so guilty, used, physicly sick, i feel iv ruined everything, im so ashamed. i feel like a fithy dirty hooker.
i keep asking myself WHY did you follow? and i cant find the anser, WHY didnt the thought of your partner or children come to mind, WHY was you so stupid?
my partner and i have spoken about it near enough everyday, i hate talking about it but he deals with it by wanting to know every detail so im dealing with it how he wants, then i will deal with it my way when he is ready, i just want to forget it.
we are working on our relationship, i feel so awfull and guilty, i still see it as cheating even tho there was no sex but this is by luck, the fact that i followed, is betrayel. i have told friends and family as i feel it shouldnt be a dirty secret and i feel i need to be punished for what i have done, even though my own thoughts and guilt are punishment i dont feel its enough.
my partner is hurting as expected and im doing all i can can to help him, i love him so much, i dont know why this has happened, i dont want to be one of those people that use drink as an excuse but i know if i had had a few less drinks or sober, this would not have happened.but either way i cant understand why i was so stupid.
my partner doesnt want to do counseling, is there anything i should be doing to help him through this?
im constantly telling him how sorry i am, always tell him i love him, always there for him when he needs me or wants to talk, my phone is always on if im at work( i left that place by the way, i have a new job), he has all my passwords for emails, facebook etc, but thats never been a problem, i have his passwords but thats not a trust thing
thats just for things like sometimes he puts photos on my facebook etc.
i forgot to say i told him straight away, im truthfull to everything he asks, i just feel so awfull, iv had a bath every day since then and i still feel so dirty and disgusting, even though the smell of condom on my legs is gone, i still feel like i can smell it. im so ashamed of myself and what i have done to my partner and children.
i worked in a bar/restaurant as a waitress, this 1 night there was a band playing and i thought to myself il stay after work and have a couple of drinks and watch this band for a bit then get the bus home, i sat with a girl whos boyfriend is the manager at this place, anyway i had a couple and went to go home and she said why dont you stay abit longer, which i stupidly agreed to, anyway i ended up staying ther till 4 in the morning, drank more than iv ever drunk in my life ( i dont drink normally). the only people left there was the manager and his girlfriend who live ther and some other bloke, the manager said he was going to lock up so i got up and said im going to flag down a taxi and this other bloke said il walk with you and make sure you get a taxi. my firSt mistake was WHY IN HELL DIDNT YOU PHONE A TAXI???? the second was allowing this person to walk with me, i didnt know him or anything about him, hadnt spoken to him or even looked at him.
in my drunken state i had no care or fear and stupidly started walking with him down the road for 10 minutes wher ther was no talking or nothing, i was concentrating on the path i was walking on and looking out for a taxi, i remember falling over a couple of times. heres wher the biggest regret of my life happens, he crossed my path and nodded his head towards this field, i dont know why but my head just thought yes and followed him and heres wher it gets wierd, its like i went into a daze, in the back of my head i knew what was happening but it was like i was watching a film, like it wasnt me doing it but watching someone else, its hard to explain. i followed into these trees, we stopped, he put his face to mine for a few seconds, took himself out, put a condom on, turned me around and pushed me to the ground, wher i stupidly pulled my stuff down and went through the motions.
the only good thing that happened next is by luck he was very small and wasnt long enough to get anywher near inside me, basicly he was having sex with my legs and it was just hitting the lips. this went on for a few seconds and all of a sudden like someone hitting me in the face i came to, the thought went through my head WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??? i got up so fast and all but run back towards the road while still pulling my stuff back up. i didnt look back and as i got to the road withing 2 seconds a taxi was coming along the road luckily it stopped and i got in.
i dont know why this happened, i showed no interest in him at all, he was ugly, the total opposite of what i find attractive. even when it was happening i didnt show interest,my hands were by my side, i didnt touch him, kiss him, even speak to him.
even when i went to my kness i didnt move a muscle.
i had a long coat on so luckily nothing was on show, and luckily he didnt touch me at all, no bare sking contact at all. my partner says how odd and creepy this is, the fact that he said nothing, didnt try and lift the coat or touch anywher, almost rape like. he didnt even touch me when behind me in anyway.
the whole thing lasted no more than a minute and infact probally only 40 seconds, but 40 seconds seem to have ruined 12 years.
i feel disgusting, so guilty, used, physicly sick, i feel iv ruined everything, im so ashamed. i feel like a fithy dirty hooker.
i keep asking myself WHY did you follow? and i cant find the anser, WHY didnt the thought of your partner or children come to mind, WHY was you so stupid?
my partner and i have spoken about it near enough everyday, i hate talking about it but he deals with it by wanting to know every detail so im dealing with it how he wants, then i will deal with it my way when he is ready, i just want to forget it.
we are working on our relationship, i feel so awfull and guilty, i still see it as cheating even tho there was no sex but this is by luck, the fact that i followed, is betrayel. i have told friends and family as i feel it shouldnt be a dirty secret and i feel i need to be punished for what i have done, even though my own thoughts and guilt are punishment i dont feel its enough.
my partner is hurting as expected and im doing all i can can to help him, i love him so much, i dont know why this has happened, i dont want to be one of those people that use drink as an excuse but i know if i had had a few less drinks or sober, this would not have happened.but either way i cant understand why i was so stupid.
my partner doesnt want to do counseling, is there anything i should be doing to help him through this?
im constantly telling him how sorry i am, always tell him i love him, always there for him when he needs me or wants to talk, my phone is always on if im at work( i left that place by the way, i have a new job), he has all my passwords for emails, facebook etc, but thats never been a problem, i have his passwords but thats not a trust thing
thats just for things like sometimes he puts photos on my facebook etc.
i forgot to say i told him straight away, im truthfull to everything he asks, i just feel so awfull, iv had a bath every day since then and i still feel so dirty and disgusting, even though the smell of condom on my legs is gone, i still feel like i can smell it. im so ashamed of myself and what i have done to my partner and children.
