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I cheated and desperately want to make amends

29039 Views 50 Replies 29 Participants Last post by  sandc
I cheated on my husband of 14 years. We started out as high school sweethearts so a total of 19 years. It is the single most selfish, inapprehensible, and WRONG action I have ever done. Yes, there were obviously problems in my marriage, but there is no reason, and I realize this, absolutely NO REASON, to ever be unfaithful to my husband.
The back story is my husband and I have very different values, different hobbies, and differnt likes and I started drifting apart from him. And yes, I know I completely demoralized my values when I committed adultery. It is something else I have to live with forever and I am very thankful to know I have a forgiving God. I started living a life that didn't involve my husband very much and I felt resentful when he would try to pull me back in because I felt that if my world didn't 100% revolve around him, he would try to stop me from enjoying other things in my life. Again, as I write this, I see how wrong I was. I had started getting into working out and running. I began to lose weight and getting in shape for the first time in my life. I love setting physical fitness goals and challenges and meeting them. Instead of trying to incorporate my husband into this life, I kept it seperate. I felt like he wouldn't understand and would not support me. There was also an issue for me revolving around our sex life and desires my husband has that I felt were immoral and wrong. It made me feel like I wasn't enough for him, that I couldn't satisfy him. And I felt like my husband didn't respect my feelings in this regard and kept pushing me. We would try to talk about it, but we never resolved anything. And we had the issue where we didn't necesarrily share the same faith and I felt like I had to hide that part of myself from him. Instead of turning to my husband to talk about all my feelings and issues blatantly and honestly, I found myself talking to a male friend. At first, that's all we were. Friends. He had just gone through a divorce that he didn't want and I was looking for advice from a different perspective. We weren't even that good of friends to begin with, he just happened to be around when I hit a very low point and offered to listen. And one conversation lead to another and another. I would listen to him and try to help him work through divorce issues and he would listen to me and offer insight and advice. Ironically, he's the reason I didn't leave my husband at that point, he kept urging me to work it out to find a way to get back to happy. Two weeks ago we crossed that final boundry and we slept together. And my world and more importantly, my husband's world has been turned upside down.
My husband asked me the night that it happended if soemthing was going on. I wanted to lie to him. I wanted to make up a story on where I had been and why I was so late coming home. Ididn't want to hurt him. But I just couldn't bold face lie to him. I didn't want to keep on lying to him. Even though I only slept with the OM once, I had been having an affair for a few months. Once I started confiding in him and sharing things I knew my husband wouldn't approve of, I started having an affair. Once I let the relationship go beyond a place my husband wouldn't approve of, it was an affair.
My husband decided pretty quickly he wanted to work through our problems, he does not want a divorce. I am amazed at him and how much love he has for me. I am completely undeserving. We have talked more honestly in the last two weeks on the problems in our marriage than we ever have. On both our parts. I had to admit that I felt like I had fallen out of love with him, and it's really sad an EMA had to show me I do still love my husband. Even though I am the one that did wrong, he has acknowledged what he needs to work on from his side of the marriage also. I hope and pray that we are able to continue to move forward to repair our marriage and live a happy life together. There are some days the feelings of guilt and despair overwhelm me. There are some days my husband's feelings of betrayl and anger and hurt overwhelm him. I try to build him up and show him that I do love him. I will do what ever is necessary to prove that to him. It is hard, and if you are an excercise addict you'll understand this, but I have backed out of running and working out. And again, my husband has amazed me by saying he's OK if I keep that part of my life. He is even getting involved with it. We are working on reconnecting. I fear that in a few months he will realize he can't forgive me so easily, or that he doesn't want to be with me since I broke our marriage vows. It took two weeks for him to let his anger out and just let me "have it" . I was waiting on it and knew it would come. And I completely own what I did and how wrong it was. I have not nor will I ever put any blame on him. This is my fault and my mistake. I honestly don't know if I will ever forgive myself so I question, how can he? There are moments when I have so much hatred and self-loathing at myself for what I have done and how bad I hurt my husband. I was just so very wrong. So with all of this out there, I would love to hear insight on ways to make my husband feel important to me. I am already doing things that he and I have discussed and things I know he needs from me. But, I would like to have ideas or thoughts from other husbands who have experienced this.
Thank you!
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The good thing is you told your husband the truth. GOOD.
The bad thing is you have a major uphill battle to face.

You don't say much abou tthe "male friend." How do you know him? Is he a mutual friend of yours and your husband? Elaborate.

Because you majorly crossed the line, you realize, you can never have any contact with him. Ever EVER EVER. So you must never contact him again or let him contact you. Block his # from being able to call you, his emails, his Facebook, EVERYTHING. If this is your gym buddy, no more going to that gym. Ever again. That is, if you want to keep your marriage.

You are right that your husband may decide down the line he doesn'te want to be with you anymore. That is his choice and people change.

For now, you must end all contact with the OM completely and forever and earn your husband's trust back which is NOT going to be easy. Be fully transparent, offer up your phone, emails, passwords, etc. Account for where you are, etc. This is not going to be easy.

I'd recommend marriage counselling and reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "not Just Friends." Incorporate your husband into your activities and vice versa. Work on why you guys started drifting apart if you want to rebuild back together.

Good luck.

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I fear that in a few months he will realize he can't forgive me so easily, or that he doesn't want to be with me since I broke our marriage vows. It took two weeks for him to let his anger out and just let me "have it" .

I don't think there is anything you can do to make him trust you 100 percent again, or to forget that the marriage vows have been broken.

You seem to be doing a lot of good things such as not blaming him, and not working out without him.

Still, cheating changes the rules of the game, forever.
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You can get both of those books for free at the library. They have a wealth of knowledge in them.

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like jelly said,it's great you owned up to what you did,and now he's joining you in your pursuits..but eventually his angers going to overcome you have a plan for that?
I've not been cheated on by my wife, but I'm a married guy so I have experience with being married. My question to you is what have you done to assure your husband that everything is over for good with this other man (OM)? If you still have any contact with the OM - why?

What steps are you taking to build up his trust? Also, you need to find your strength and fast. It would mean a lot more to him - IMHO - if you could be there to comfort him and help him through this mess as opposed to him having to comfort you. I see too many times in these threads where the betrayed spouse (BS) ends up comforting the wayward spouse (WS) in these situations. IMO, if you need comfort then talk to someone else. I sure hope you aren't unloading these feelings on him. That's asking for too much.

Also, you may want to consider giving in on whatever the sexual issues that you have been denying your husband...ESPECIALLY if you did these taboo things with your OM...
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The OM was someone my husband had met a few times, but he was a friend through my church (my husband didn't go to church). It's hard to admit that since it's so hypocritical and to me makes this even worse. Obviously, I am no longer going to that church. It has been hard to break ties from my church, but I do know it is necessary and I am willing to sever all ties. All communication has ended. His contact info has been deleted from my phone and facebook has not been involved so no issue there. The OM is aware of all of this. I will be completely transparent to my husband - he is welcome to any and all of my life to check on me. Up to and including my work email account if he wants access to that.
If this story is true, then lady, you already know everything. You know what is right and what is wrong, you know you did something wrong, you also take the full blame, you also told your husband full truth. You also told what made you cheat on him (you drifted apart etc). Very clean case and remorse.

I commented on this post because of only one line that I found disturbing - "I am very thankful to know I have a forgiving God". I hope your husband also commits similar sins since GOD would also forgive him - happily (as per your logic).
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His contact info has been deleted from my phone and facebook has not been involved so no issue there.
Call up your phone carrier right now and have the OM's # blocked from your phone. Block him from your FB too.

You said the OM is aware of all of this. How? Did you tell him? Or did your husband call him out?


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Did you use protection? If not, have you been tested for STDs and pregnancy?

I hope to gosh you haven't slept with your husband if you have not gotten yourself tested.
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Regardless of whether or not she used protection, both she and her husband need to get tested for STDs.

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How can he forgive you?

Same reason that I forgave my wife. I love her.
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@ Plan 9 - I did not do any of the "taboo" items wth the OM except sleep with the OM. However, that is a topic we are working on. We are working to find a middle ground for both of us on this issue. And by middle ground, I mean me being willing to explore some of his wants and he being willing to try to understand my issues with them. The only thing I know to do to build trust is to live it. Do what I say I will do. Make him important in my life again and show him that.

@ akashnil - This is an area my husband surprised me also. He is open to exploring my faith and his values weren't as far away from mine as I always thought. Again, we are working to find middle ground on this.

@bandit - there was protection, but I have been tested for STDs. Fortunately I have an IUD so we had double pregnancy protection.
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Hate to tell you, but you got played by the OM. All the things he said to you and the fake friendship were a setup.

He told exactly what you wanted to hear. He groomed you and conquered you.

You should hate this man.
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This is a post Chapparal normally posts. I think it is very good.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.


They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.


DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.


Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.


HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!
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Hind sight is 20/20 and I can see that. It hurts that I was that stupid and naive. But at the end of the day, I can't blame him. He is responsible too, yes. But I never should have let myself get into a position where a boundry could be crossed or that I could be played.
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Looking 4, right now the ball is completely in your husband's court. He has tentatively decided to R, but this might change over time. What you MUST do is EVERYTHING in your power to show that you are worth the riske he will be taking if he commits to staying married. You have made an excellent start. By not attributing any blame whatsoever to him, you are showing true remorse, so you are already ahead of a great many WS's (wayward spouses) here on TAM. You have realized that the marital problems do not excuse your cheating. This is HUGE. Complete NC and transparency and constant communication will go a long way to rebuilding trust and easing his anxiety. Patience and submissiveness will help to repair his ego. And you realize that if you do these things, it will help YOU as well, with the guilt and shame. We have lots of good people here, (some have already posted) who are willing to help if they can. Unfortunately there are some who will berate you severely, but they can be ignored. Do the hard work of self improvement, and regardless of the outcome, you and your husband will have a better future.
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You should hate this man.

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:iagree::iagree::iagree:. Just think of what all he has taken away from you. (I don't mean physical).
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Hind sight is 20/20 and I can see that. It hurts that I was that stupid and naive. But at the end of the day, I can't blame him. He is responsible too, yes. But I never should have let myself get into a position where a boundry could be crossed or that I could be played.
STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!!! Do NOT even think about it. Blaming the OM, doesnt get it. Please!! Do not blame-shift. Blame-shifting has ruined more Reconciliations than almost any other cause. AS much as is possible , make the OM a "non-person", do not ever consider his feelings, wants , needs or emotions. To you, he must be as if he were dead. If he is married, tell his wife, and as proof of your re-commitment to your husband, you should consider telling your Minister. You must prove to your husband that HE and not the OM has ALL of your attentions.
this is so new for your Bh. he will give it a hard go for awhile, but no matter what you do it is still likely that he will D you.
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