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I'm just exhausted and I need help. I feel like my husband has emotionally beaten me to nothing and I just want to leave. We've been married for two years now, with two kids (one is 5 from my previous relationship and one is almost 2, my husbands) and I'm convinced that the dysfunction here is going to ruin all of us.

No matter what I do there's always a reason for him to fight with me. He constantly tells me I control his life and that I don't care about his feelings but it's completely the other way around. he sulks around the house and makes comments about being a "second class citizen" while me and the kids have to tiptoe around his mood swings and avoid his rage. I sometimes think he's living in some fantasy land and making up his own reality in order to justify his behavior.

Arguing is a healthy part of marriage but he takes every disagreement to a whole new level and our marriage is literally at an end if I don't find some way to diffuse the situation, and then he storms away and comes back later on or the next day acting as if nothing had happened. When we get into a fight about one thing he calls me out for every wrong I've ever committed in my life, he says horrible things to me about the most painful parts of my past, and he makes up even more hurtful things. He's said to me that he thinks I had our baby on purpose to stay with him (why, because he had no job and I wanted so much to support him AND two kids?). He calls me a b**** and a ***** and a bad wife. He even brings up things like my kids having asthma and somehow blames that on me!

The worst part about all of this is that we live in his fathers' house (even though we have the money to rent elsewhere and I've begged for as much in the past) and whenever he throws a tantrum I have to worry about him throwing me and the kids out. He's done it several times and I've had to pack up my children and stay with family for however long, and yet I always come back. He still does controlling things like taking my phone or shutting it off and taking my credit cards and cash and taking all the money out of our account. And then he tells me that he's not happy because I'm too controlling!

I've NEVER let anyone treat me like this in my life and I'm so disappointed in myself for staying here and putting up with this but I don't know what to do. I told him today that i hate him, after he brought up the "anchor baby" comment again and took my phone and the car keys (I sold my own car so we would only have one car payment since I'm now a Stay-at-home mom). He honestly didn't seem phased, probably considering all the crap I've forgiven in the past. I just can't take this anymore.

My husband has a rage problem. He says and does the most horrible things and he treats me like his child instead of his wife. He tells me there have to be consequences for my behavior as if I'm some teenager. I'm a good wife and a responsible mother. I may not have a job but I had two when we met and I was doing just fine. He tells me that i was lost when he found me (I;m the one that found him the job that started his career) and that I'm nothing. At this point I don't even care to try anymore. We've been to therapy twice. He won't go anymore because he doesn't think it's necessary. I've been to therapy myself and it was helping me to realize how toxic this is but he started getting crazy about the finances and the copays so I stopped going. In my opinion, he needs medication because he has completely gone off the deep end and he's not willing to even see a counselor. Then he apologizes for being so cruel and tells me he knows he has a problem and that hes trying to fix it himself. Well, I'm still waiting.

His family and friends tell me to just back off and let him calm down but I'm not one to bend over. I tell him how wrong he is, how delusional he is and I constantly try to bring the conversation back to where it needs to be. Sometime this works, most times it just makes things worse because I dared to talk back. He calls it "feeding the fire". I hate him.

But two failed relationships? Two children from two different fathers? Where do I go? How do I support myself and my boys? What about my oldest? He's in school, he has friends. Where do I even start? A big part of me is still searching for some way to make this work, to FIX it. I'm at the end of my sanity and i don't know how much more I can stand. My husbands' sister tells me he cares and gives me a list of psychology-related explanations for his bull**** but all I see is the monster I married. I'm so lost/angry/hurt/hopeless/DONE.
 

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Only YOU know if you are truly DONE. If so, pull the plug and MOVE on!

Two failed relationships? Yes, well you could STAY IN THIS ONE and it would STILL be a FAILED RELATIONSHIP. Look, you're doing the best you can. Was this marriage a mistake? It appears so. Just determine that you are GOING to take care of yourself (because your boys NEED you) and you're going to take care of your sons. When/if you leave this relationship, determine that you will NOT get into ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP without at least SIX MONTHS of Individual Counseling to find out WHY you make bad choices with regard to men. You CAN figure it out and you CAN change your behaviors.

Two children from two different fathers? Yes, two sons from the SAME MOTHER (Glass half empty/glass half full).

Where do you go? Back to your family. Back to work. Back to school, if necessary, back to the beginning (therapy is in order for you.)

How do you support your boys? With a job (or cobbling together a couple of part-time jobs). Your sons' fathers should be contributing child-support; if they're not, then TAKE THEM TO COURT. YOU owe it to your sons to raise them as best you can with FINANCIAL and EMOTIONAL support from their fathers.

Your 5 year old is only in Kindergarten. He will cope, he will adjust, he will thrive. A healthy HOME environment is MORE IMPORTANT than the friends he's made in the last 2 months at school. Wait until the school break in December, then move him to a new school in January.

Where do you start? With a plan. Sit down QUIETLY with a paper and pen; make a list of things that need to change IMMEDIATELY if you're staying or things you need to get doing if you're moving on. Are you and the boys better off WITH HIM or WITHOUT HIM? Financially? Emotionally? Mentally? Spiritually? Physically? Sexually? If you're thinking of staying, how LIKELY is your H to IMMEDIATELY implement the necessary changes you're requiring? Really, how likely?

Psycho-babble about what's wrong with your husband is worthless at this point. Do you REALLY need to know the EXACT term for your husband's problem(s)? Will that make any difference? Is KNOWING what is wrong with your husband going to make it any easier/harder to deal with his cr*p?

2-3 hours of quiet reflective time ALONE tomorrow will help you sort out where you are and where you SHOULD be going.

Hang tough, you'll figure it out...a step at a time.
 
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