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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, first time poster so apologies if don't get the abbreviations and the lingo right straight away! I'm also sorry for the waffle here but just need to get this down.

Story isn't really any different to many that have been posted but wanted to get my thoughts down and hopefully someone out there can just give some advice/support.

Basically I found out 3 days ago that my wife has cheated on me and it's been a truly grim few days. Numbness, emptiness, confusion, anger, love!!, hate...I haven't cried yet and I don't know if it's because I'm too stunned or worryingly because I'm too quickly compartmentalising this and trying to get over it to return to some form of normality. I just don't know.

Now my tale....

We've been married for just over a year (no children, nice home, both working, perfect really!) and in September of this year she moved 5000 miles across the Atlantic for 3 months due to work. Ironically she left the day after our first anniversary! She arrived home last weekend.

We went into this 3 month period feeling we were both secure enough to make it work and it was a wonderful opportunity for her. I was due to visit in the middle so we thought that with Skype, email, text we would be in contact most of the time (even though there was an 8 hr time difference) and a few weeks either side of my visit would fly by.

The first few weeks she was struggling to settle and we were close but this happy contact slowly drifted as she threw herself into work and meeting new people in a new country. It became more difficult than we imagined and me being at home still in the 'routine' was the antithesis of her exciting new experiences living in a swanky apartment and going out every night as she socialised with her new acquaintances.

She slowly became distant and when I did visit for those 2 weeks I didn't feel particularly comfortable or secure and really I should have confronted this issue that I saw forming but perhaps was too naive or too scared to address it. I didn't think there was cheating going on at this point, I just thought we were drifting.

On her return we have struggled to adjust and on Tuesday (2 days after she came home) we sat down to 'talk' because we both knew that things had changed whilst she'd been out there and we needed to work out what to do. I had noticed on her return she had started to put her mobile phone screen side down which has never happened before. I couldn't stand it anymore so I just said 'is there someone else' totally (again naively) thinking it was ludicrous question!

Her answer was yes. Turns out that within the first 4 weeks she had got drunk with one of her new mates and he had made a move she reciprocated. They then slept together 10 times over a 3 week period (does the number matter - I don't know). Sickeningly, my two week visit was in the middle of that 3 weeks so basically she was f*****g him for 2 weeks before I arrived and then a week after. Allegedly nothing took place whilst I was there and he ended it 6 weeks before she came home because he was 'falling for her'. Decent guy huh?

I must point out here that I'm under no illusion that this is all his fault. She did this, she made this move and if the first time was a drunken mistake then the other 9 certainly were not. Still, who nails a married woman knowing exactly what they are doing? A morally bankrupt piece of **** in my book.

So, what do I do? I love her, I got married in a church because I genuinely believe in marriage and the vows and 'for better for worse'. But where do we begin? She has shown remorse - the crying and wailing - and is currently staying away as it's her brother's birthday elsewhere in the country. Incidentally she has told him and he has banned her from his party so she's rightly going through hell - or so she tells me. She also says that she has not had contact with this person.

Did she get wrapped up in a world where there were no repercussions and therefore the risk was minimal but the excitement and the gains high? Is it weakness that was relatively short lived...after all this isn't a 5 year affair? Does the fact that she wanted to tell me (although actually didn't until confronted) make it better or worse? Would it have been better if I'd never known? I'm not trying to make excuses for her, maybe trying to rationalise and understand her context.

I have always been the sort person that feels people live their lives and make their own choices. I am not controlling and would never dream of watching over someone's shoulder whilst they email/text as I've always trusted her. But now is that we have to do? She left her last long term relationship because she was cheated on and has always maintained it is the most disgusting thing you can do to a person. I always believed, trusted and loved her implicitly; that's why I married her.

The other complicated thing is that we were due to both move out to this other country and the same city - she has been offered a longer term contract and we were looking to make a new life together there. Is this now possible? This person will be in the city...they don't work together or anything and it's a big place but am I taking a lamb to slaughter? Am I still being taken for a mug?

She too is going through a period now of contemplating her life, what she's done and why she did this to me; supposedly someone she loved. Worryingly I'm now stressing because I don't want her to decide it's for the best that we go our separate ways. I don't want to appear eager to move on because I'm totally gutted beyond hope, and yet to lose her seems like the end of the world. I don't want to risk being cold and pushing her into contact with you know who. That's what's going on inside my head anyway.

I don't feel like I can tell family or friends as that is game over in terms of their love for her. She doesn't deserve their respect or love at this time, but if we do ever get through this then how do they reconcile with her even if I do. I also don't want their pity and hassle, and I certainly don't want to be judged as being **** in bed as to why she's gone elsewhere and if we do move away to start this new life, how will anyone respect me?!

Sorry to waffle, please help! Anyone, those that have been cheated on and got/getting through it. Cheaters, give me an insight into your psychology...should I be trying to understand her or should I be taking a militant and unsympathetic view on this.

Thank you
 

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I'm a cheater (guy) but here's my take on it. If there was already a strong foundation in the marriage I don't think it would have happened. Not saying it is your fault, because it isn't but there was something wrong in the marriage, something she was missing and she got it elsewhere.

I didn't want my wife to understand. I wanted her to help fix the marriage. And when she wouldn't, I disrespected the boundaries in my marriage and cheated.

There's a whole list of what you should be doing now and I'll let others who have been in your situation tell you what to do. But whatever you do, if you want to keep the marriage together you need to address ALL the issues, not just the cheating.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for your input.

What a nightmare.

If she can do this, couldn't anyone? I never thought it was possible, otherwise I wouldn't have married her, and before she went I can't think of anything underlying that was a problem with our relationship.

This is new and raw and no doubt there is a lot of denial on my part wrapped up in this.
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Arch, I agree with Michzz. Since you've been married "just over a year" and have no children, I would just get a divorce and move on. Obviously, she does not take her marriage vows seriously. You may forgive her, but you will never forget her infidelity. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Good luck!
 

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Your partner went out and had a blast with a strange man. Now that he's done with her, she wants the same things she enjoyed from you before. You feel trapped because you can't tell anyone. She's hoping you'll turn the other cheek and wait for her to do it again, because honestly, why shouldn't she? If there are no complications for what she did this time. The other guy, he's glad some gal slept with him for a few weeks, he doesn't care about any of this and will move on to the next girl. The one who ended up hurt, is you. She put a lot of effort into secretly ruining your marriage. How much effort is she going to put into fixing all that trust she washed away? What if the other guy would not have left her? How long would the affair have gone on for? Probably as long as they wanted to. What about next time she goes away...are you really going to fully trust her?
 

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I had noticed on her return she had started to put her mobile phone screen side down which has never happened before.

Allegedly nothing took place whilst I was there and he ended it 6 weeks before she came home because he was 'falling for her'.
Arch,

Sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place.

Question. If her affair ended weeks before she returned, why was she hiding her phone from you? They may very well still be in contact.

The troubling thing about her affair, is that it has occurred so early in your marriage. That does not bode well for the two of you. The chances of her remaining faithful to you are small in this scenario. I'm sure others will tell you to cut your losses and divorce her. I understand that is hard to hear, but it is likely the best thing to do, given what she did after only a year in marriage.

But if you do attempt R against the odds, there is a methodology you should apply.

- Be certain that contact has ended. Verify it.

- Have her write a no contact letter to the AP with no sentimental wording.

- Monitor her going forward. Demand access to all her passwords, cell phone, computers, etc. Have her account for her time away from you.

- Expose the affair to both your families and especially to the AP's wife/girlfriend and his employer.

- And the hardest part. She must show you that she is truly remorseful. By not just her words, but her actions. She must do these things willingly. If she doesn't, start divorce proceedings.

You'll have to be prepared to leave her if she doesn't comply or is anything other than completely remorseful.

You will get a lot of good advice on this forum. I hope you'll consider all of it.
 

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So HE broke it off - not her.
She would have happily continued were it not for being cast aside like used tissue. It's troubling that she continued to provide sex for the OM after you left. What does all this reveal about her morals?

Is this the kind of woman you want to raise a family with?

Moving to the town where this ocurred is a very bad idea. Staying with her for another day is even worse.

But it's your life. Your integrity is on the line. As for her, she has none. None at all. If you stay with her things may improve for a while. But in the long run - when the marriage - like all marriages - goes through a dry spell, or things get a little stale, she will know what to do. Are you up for being the policeman in your marriage when you have two or three kids with wants and needs?
 

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Also, it sounds like she will need to socialize with her new workmates. Can you put up with her coming home from late night meetings smelling of alcohol?

Even if it's all innocent you will worry and wonder. She will become annoyed at your doubts. It's not woth it Arch. Not one bit.
 

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Typically affairs are like icebergs, the wayward minumizes the infidelity so they continue to lie so not to hurt you, but tell you enough details to sleep at night.

I really don't think you know this women enough or if she is willing to work on her self to change. You risk the possiblity in her cheating again 2,5,10 years from now.

If you do take a chance and work thru this, I suggest you get a postnup so that as the both of you aquire more assets as the marriage moves forward you don't take a finacial hit if she cheats again and you have to leave her for her infidelity.

As far as emotional protecting your self, I haven't a clue other then to avoid it by leaving now, but then again the risk of your wife screwing you over again and a new chick screwing you over will always be there.

What is your wife doing to prevent this from happening again?
 

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It's easier to start over with no kids. Trust me, my wife stayed with me but it has changed her alot.

Move on and be happier in the long run.
 

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It's not something she did. It's something she's doing. There would be no need to hide one's phone if the affair was over. One can get drunk and make a mistake once. Ten times over three weeks requires careful contemplation, planning, and a host of deliberate decisions. She apparently expects to still receive calls you wouldn't like or else she wouldn't be hiding her phone. The choice of a life mate is the most important you'll ever make. This woman couldn't remain faithful for one year under nearly ideal conditions. What are the odds she'd be faithful if you were disabled, unemployed, sent to prison, etc? You have very little invested in her and lots to lose. Even if she had a road to Damascus style transformation, with her, you'll never have a wife you could completely trust. People are who they are by the time they are around age 8. All the counseling in the world won't put character into a soul where it hadn't previously existed.
 

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Question. If her affair ended weeks before she returned, why was she hiding her phone from you? They may very well still be in contact.
This was the question I had right away. She's lying - still lying.

You need to find out as much of the truth as possible before you make any decisions. Moving with her now would be a big mistake, imo. She already has a foundation built in this new country without you. Moves like that are notoriously hard on marriages, often causing fatal rifts. If you move with her, I think you're asking for heartache on all fronts.
 

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Arch, let me give you my .02 .

I knew my stbxw casually 4 years before being with her. We both got out of relationships and started dating about 3 or 4 months later. Three months after that she moved in with me. The months after that she slept with her XH. She is a train wreck. Long story short I bought her excuses (rug swept) and took her back.. Then she did it again 3 months later. I still married her because I thought she was just 'confused'.

Turns out she is a serial cheater.. I have been putting up with that sh!t for 3 f'n years.

A month in that country and she already banging someone?

It's your choice, don't make the one I did

You don't want to be in my club... It doesn't get 'better'.
 

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This was the question I had right away. She's lying - still lying.

You need to find out as much of the truth as possible before you make any decisions. Moving with her now would be a big mistake, imo. She already has a foundation built in this new country without you. Moves like that are notoriously hard on marriages, often causing fatal rifts. If you move with her, I think you're asking for heartache on all fronts.
How many of her workmates and "friends" knew and approved of her romance? They're all still there. And now they know the type of woman she can be. At least one of them knows he has a better than even chance to get her to play.

Word gets around Arch,
 

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You say he broke it off six weeks before she left, so why was she hiding her phone since she got back! Clearly it's still going on at some level.

If you stay together, she must give full transparency and get an std test and give up his full name and contact info AND the two of you do not take her offered job. When she chose to cheat so easily and so willingly, she also chose to through away the opportunity for the two of you to move there. That job and that city are now forever tainted by her affair.

Everyone at that job knows about her affair and will view you as her cuckold husband. How could you possibly be there with her and her with them and him daily. It would be humiliating.

That said, I wouldn't stay with her. She jumped very very quickly into his bed, and even your visit didn't wake her up. He bore it off not her, and it appears even after being home she was very actively still texting, calling, emailing with him. She may have even been skyping with him.

She may in fact still be in full contact with him even now.

I would be rid of her, any bride that would so easily cheat on her husband clearly has neither love or empathy for you. None at all.
 

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How many of her workmates and "friends" knew and approved of her romance? They're all still there. And now they know the type of woman she can be. At least one of them knows he has a better than even chance to get her to play.

Word gets around Arch,
Truth. Some will view you as the OM breaking up their friends romance and others will see you as her cuckold husband who let her return to the scene of the crime.

This move is forever tainted. If you moved you would be essentially giving her to him. With you stuck there with no friends and no support system,
 

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Worryingly I'm now stressing because I don't want her to decide it's for the best that we go our separate ways. I don't want to appear eager to move on because I'm totally gutted beyond hope, and yet to lose her seems like the end of the world. I don't want to risk being cold and pushing her into contact with you know who. That's what's going on inside my head anyway.
Arch, the statement above is the only thing you need to focus on right now, that is the nail in the coffin, if you don't take control of this insecurity, all hope is lost. Your wife senses this insecurity and it repulses her, even if it's unconscious, it feeds her doubt about you and reinforces her desire to be with the other man.

I'm sorry my friend, this is not going to get better any time soon. You're only hope, right now, is to become a solid wall of strength and self confidence, anything less and you'll lose this battle.

If it was me (and I know you aren't me, and you need to make your own decision based on things you know that I don't), I would be gone; I wouldn't spend another night under the same roof with her. Her only shot at reconciliation with me would be to pursue me 100%, and even then, based on what you said she did, I wouldn't reconcile.

If you stay with your wife, prepare your self for a very, very, insecure future; you'll never trust her the way you did before she left for 3 months... never.

But aside from my own cynical stance on this, if you want to have any chance of making this work, you need to get very tough, very quickly and shake this woman to the core, she needs to know that you're not a sure thing in this game; it's sink or swim right now.

T
 

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"I don't feel like I can tell family or friends as that is game over in terms of their love for her. She doesn't deserve their respect or love at this time, but if we do ever get through this then how do they reconcile with her even if I do."

No, this is not so - family forgive much easier than you will be able to (maybe not all friends though, but freinds are far more transient anyway). As example, my older brother cheated on his wife a few years ago - we all know, and he is still accepted and loved as a brother should be. Even though i now fully understand his ex wifes pain, confusion, anger and betrayal i am not going to blank my brother. Expose the b1tch. And leave her with your head held high - why do you want to help her deception, expose.
 
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