[staystrong]

Hi,

I don't know if this should be in another Topic area, but my INTENSE daily pain is being caused by my wife's infidelity and leaving me for another man (OM just moved into our old apartment). We have two young daughters together and I am away from them for 2 months - I had to come back to my home country because I have no family or real friends where I was living and I was basically going insane. (A longer background is available in my first post elsewhere.)

Skyped the girls today. Miss them like crazy. Saw my wife and she looks beautiful, whistling while she was cooking dinner in the background. The OM is getting her in her best form and it's killing me. I feel like the total reject and some days I really can't take it. Today was the first time I've called a "hotline". I'm four months out from D Day. There was a brief attempt at R but wife could not keep up. (A few days ago she told me she feels she "f*cked up" but cannot change now because it's "too late" but "she'll always love" me. Why does she even say this? Is it manipulation, catharsis, regret?)

I just feel like my life is totally ruined. I will move back there and all the triggers will be there. I don't even speak the language there very well. I will have to walk around knowing my wife has given herself to another man and they are banging away all the time. And that I will have to raise the girls (my share of time) without any help. Yeah, I feel completely rejected in every sense of the word. Every day I think "I can't do this" and I am further incapacitated.

Please.. any helpful thoughts, care, etc. I'm not in a Man Up mood but whatever, send that too.

 

[Ovid]

Your wife says those things out of guilt. She is not thinking of you at all. She is simply trying to convince herself she is not a bad person. She probably blames you for her cheating and leaving.

You need to do the 180 so that you can emotionally detach from her. That is the only way to make this situation bearable. Manning up is not the issue. She left and gave you no recourse. You must detach from her emotionally.

At her best she's a cheat a liar and heartless. Know that she will eventually do the same to the OM if he doesn't do it to her first. The best way to end an A is to move in together so that the fantasy ends. Be ready for her to come begging for you to take her back. It might happen. If I were you I'd say no.

 

[MattMatt]

Man Up? That's often meaningless, to be quite honest.

Your wife is deep in the fog, mate. But if she knows she did wrong and still loves you? The situation might not be entirely lost.

You have to be strong (that's NOT the same as man up) for your daughters. You wife is a toxic example to them. You have to be a good example to them of how a decent person of integrity acts.

We will be here for you. Prayers and positive vibes are on the way to you. :smthumbup:

 

[Ovid]

Please provide more back story. It may help us advise you.

Your wifes actions are unusually heartless.

 

[Gabriel]

How old are your daughters? What I am afraid of, is your wife will start to say things about you to them to justify her horrible actions. She may do this out of pure self preservation.

I do think you need to get your butt back home though - otherwise your wife may use your absence to tear them away from you.

Can I ask what your wife's ethnic culture is? It may help in dishing out advice going forward.

 

[spidersab*ch]

Help us out a bit. Where are your wife and children? Where are you? Why are you apart? The other guy is in the same building as your wife and you are in another country? What's up?

 

[staystrong]

Thank you MattMatt and Ovid. I'm really in a dark place here.

Here's the link to my original post. It's kind of long.

You will see that her marriage with her first husband lasted 7 years. She left him for me but she had already had a PA with someone else. Yes, I know.. karma train for me but she and I have kids so I feel it's different. We've been together for about 7 years as well.

Yes, she pretty much does blame me and does not seem to own her half .. oh, she'll say she's 50% to blame for marital probs but when pressed she can't list her own probs.

But to split with H when you have two kids and strand H in foreign country with no family or friends? It's cruel.

When we were separating, we agreed to agree on what to say to the kids (ages 3 and 5). Then one night, she abruptly started and said "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore." and then later told our oldest "Mommy has a new boyfriend.. you know, just like kids change boyfriends at school." I'm paraphrasing. I was pissed.

I feel like she can go from saying crazy selfish things to being considerate. I ascribe that to her conflicted self, and I tell her she is being ridiculous. She has said some REALLY ridiculous things. (e.g. "Why should I be depressed? I have two men in love with me. I feel like Elizabeth Taylor but without the money.."). At the beginning, I got sucked into her toxic thinking.

Still love her and want the family back. I've already been told to read a book for co-dependents but I'm just crushed when I think about the loss. I can't function. I came from a household with married parents. My core is shattered.

 

[staystrong]

Wife wants me to come home because the girls miss me. (I also think it's because she wants a break.) She doesn't want to keep me from them. She's a good mom though she neglected them some during the affair.

The country is in Western Europe so no major ethnic differences, just cultural. I'm from the States.

I think she just sees this as the "next chapter" in her life. She wanted marriage / lifetime partnership. Now she thinks she will get it with him. The "precious" thing we had. Makes me want to vomit.. she has ripped out my insides and she won't face it. She's also subjecting our girls to confusion and long-term problems, IMO.

 

[spidersab*ch]

What country are you in now. Can you get a referral from a trusted friend to a really good counselor. We are here for you, but you are no going to fix this through a correspondence course.

 

[staystrong]

She's a good mom when with them, if you know what I mean. Clearly she's not a good mom overall when you consider her actions.

I'm in the USA, she's in Europe, and yes OM has moved into the apartment with no transition whatsoever. This really bothers me.

 

[staystrong]

I did IC when in her country. We did a few MC sessions together. The therapist was not experienced and did not seem to know much about infidelity.

I don't know what counseling will do at this point. I just feel numb, worn out, hopeless. I would prefer to spend the money trying to frame OM in a cheating episode, lol.

 

[MattMatt]

Wife wants me to come home because the girls miss me. (I also think it's because she wants a break.) She doesn't want to keep me from them. She's a good mom though she neglected them some during the affair.

The country is in Western Europe so no major ethnic differences, just cultural. I'm from the States.

I think she just sees this as the "next chapter" in her life. She wanted marriage / lifetime partnership. Now she thinks she will get it with him. The "precious" thing we had. Makes me want to vomit.. she has ripped out my insides and she won't face it. She's also subjecting our girls to confusion and long-term problems, IMO.

NEWSFLASH!
SHE IS NOT A GOOD MOM!

Sorry, but in truth she is a poor wife and not a very good mom!

Your point about you being hit by the karma bus? Yep. Been there, too. And a) it hurts b) you feel so bloody stupid.

Having said that, my wife and I are still together, so all might not be lost. Yet.

 

[Ovid]

She's following a seven year cycle... It's biologically driven. She will go to another OM in seven years.

First take this time to emotionally detach. Realise there is nothing you want from her that she can give you. She is not a good wife and likely never will be.

After that you will want to find a way to stay connected to your children. No. She is not a good mother. A good mother would want to set a good example for her children.

The fact she can't list her faults makes me wonder if she has NPD.

 

[spidersab*ch]

OK. Why are you now in the States? Unless it is obligatory, I'd say go be with your girls. If you want to be a part of their lives.

 

[Gabriel]

Seems your wife needs a new man every 7 years. Kids or no kids. It doesn't matter. Like some people are with cars.

If I'm you, I begin to detach, citing you married someone incapable of a LTR beyond 7 years. You've simply reached your limit.

But beyond that, have to deal with the POSOM confusing the sh*t out of your daughters. To prevent them from emulating her behavior, you have to really take charge here.

Edited to add: Ovid beat me to most of my points while I was typing!!

 

[Ovid]

Edited to add: Ovid beat me to most of my points while I was typing!!

 

[staystrong]

The fact she can't list her faults makes me wonder if she has NPD.

Definitely some N tendencies, though not severe. The Elizabeth Taylor reference was off the highlight reel; she doesn't say things like that all the time.

She does like her ego to be stroked and she knows how to stroke the ego others with gifts, admiration, etc. If you read my background post, you'll see she's with her musical teacher. She's always wanted to sing and perform, and she can do that easily with him (they do small gigs together now). So she likes admiration, expression, etc.

She's very animated, sociable. She claims I became too "square" and she was "bored". Classic, eh? Uh, whatever, we do have 2 young children together and I'm not fluent in your language and we just moved to this town. No, she preferred to take on a boyfriend and enjoy some night life once in a while. I hate her for using me like a chump. I even took our girls to see her perform with him on our wedding anniversary. How sick is that? It's all about her.

 

[MattMatt]

Definitely some N tendencies, though not severe. The Elizabeth Taylor reference was off the highlight reel; she doesn't say things like that all the time.

She does like her ego to be stroked and she knows how to stroke the ego others with gifts, admiration, etc. If you read my background post, you'll see she's with her musical teacher. She's always wanted to sing and perform, and she can do that easily with him (they do small gigs together now). So she likes admiration, expression, etc.

She's very animated, sociable. She claims I became too "square" and she was "bored". Classic, eh? Uh, whatever, we do have 2 young children together and I'm not fluent in your language and we just moved to this town. No, she preferred to take on a boyfriend and enjoy some night life once in a while. I hate her for using me like a chump. I even took our girls to see her perform with him on our wedding anniversary. How sick is that? It's all about her.

Oh FFS! Not another bloody music teacher?!
:wtf:

 

[Ovid]

Oh FFS! Not another bloody music teacher?!
:wtf:

It's like they started some sort of fd up club.:scratchhead:

 

[Gabriel]

How sad is it that I figured out what FFS was in like 2 seconds.

And yes, geez, another musical tragedy.