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My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8. We have 2 children, and I currently am a stay at home mom.
Starting at the beginning.. was my brothers friend..years passed, and I had a bf, he had a gf.. we each left them to be together. 2 months later, I was pregnant.. I gave him the chance to leave, I wasn't afraid of doing it on my own. We already were nit picky with each other, he was into drugs, and playing video games.. made me walk about a mile in the winter while I was 8 months pregnant, because he "forgot" what time I got off work - instead he was with a friend..
He isn't always this way - there has been good times, but only seemed to be good until he got his way. :(
Anyway, I found out that he had a 3 month relationship (mainly sex) another woman, but I didn't find out for almost 2 years later.. he denied it, and so did she.. then her friend was friends with my sister -and felt bad about the whole situation, and wound up getting proof for me.. So it was out! He cheated on me! By this time, I had left him already 3-4 times.. but for some reason - I didn't leave him this time.. I don't know if it was my insecurities of how could he cheat on me with "her". What did I do, etc.???..
Just 6 months later, I stood up in my Uncle/Aunts wedding - with the guy who has had a crush on me for several years.. My husband ended up staying home with our son, because he was vomiting the night before, and wasn't feeling good the day of the wedding. So, ... of course the crush kept flirting, mixed with alcohol. I ended up going to his place, and making out. I couldn't get the nerve to just have sex with him, it was wrong for me to even be there. So I walked home, and my husband was waiting up on the couch when I walked in. I told him instantly---and he was crushed! I wont belittle what I did, but he said, "now I know how it feels, I would never do that again"..

Even after all that - we ended up getting married, the day before the wedding, he was questioning if it was the right thing.. I know, could be nerves.. but it brought out a fight! We fought the night of our wedding - and separated until the next day.. I guess I should have realized then, I shouldn't have gotten married! But I aim to please, and by me cancelling - it would hurt him, and upset both our families. Thats my problem, I don't do what I think I should in fear I will hurt someone.

We kept having problems, upon problems.. he moved out, and we were planning a divorce, we got the papers.. started talking about visits for our son, etc.. but then when I became lonely, or him.. we'd start texting, or visiting eachother - and wound up having sex... I got PREGNANT! We were split up, and I got pregant by HIM.. This is what he wanted, he knew that he was losing me, and me getting pregnant was his way to keep me.

To try and work on things, he suggested we move away from all our problems and start new.. so we moved 200 miles away from our friends and family. me with no job, and him just starting one. It wasn't even a month that went by, and already I was ready to move back. He has this control freak, temper - that if something does not go his way - he talks down to me, etc.. I was crying EVERY DAY.. I was depressed, unhappy, and just wanted to be with someone who cared about me.. 7 months go by, and our daughter is born.. A month goes by, and he starts talking about possibly taking a break from eachother.. for me and the kids to move back, etc. I didn't want anything to do with it, because if I left, he would start sleeping with someone. So, instead of a break - we just went there for what was suppose to be for a week without him. The day before we were to come back, I was up with the baby feeding her, and just happened to log into his fb account.. and checked in his messages.. and there it was. a long message telling his ex that he wants to be with her, and asking her if there is a chance of it. he never stopped loving her, etc... So, I reacted right away - I text him and said I wanted a divorce.. the morning came, and he text me back not knowing what (or acting like he didn't know) I was talking about.. without me responding to him, he brought it up on his own, and claimed he only said those things because he thought we would be getting a divorce soon, and he wanted her on the back burner.. I stayed for almost 2 months, and finally after being talked back into coming home with the promise of him telling her off, so.. I did! The first week went great! he tried everything he could! He finally gave me his fb password again, so again - one morning I checked his messages... and what he thought he deleted , but instead archived it. was a message to her saying that I found out, etc....and that he wants to see her face to face.. and this was sent out the day after he told me that he wanted me and only me, etc.. I did not tell him I found this at that time, because I wanted to see if there would be anymore messages... (in the mean time) She ended up texting him, "Happy easter".. I know its not any bad text, but if she can text him that..then there also has been other texts.. He told me he couldn't tell her off, because it would hurt her!! I said, "Dont you care that it hurt me?? That you are hurting me?"" and then it came to he doesnt care, its not that big of a deal, etc... I later found out from her that they have been talking to eachother, and have met up during our entire relationship. That broke me!! and he still didnt care.
Now with what I think is everything is out.. he has the attitude of he doesn't care anymore - if I don't like it, I can leave... or he can do what he wants, because he doesn't care how I feel. He told me the day before our 4 year anniversary that he does not love me, and hasn't for some time... and I started crying, and all he cared about was that he wouldn't have a good time (New Years is our Anniversary) celebrating.. Didn't care that what he said hurt me..

Here's what he says he wants in order to give me the relationship I want/ or deserve.. Right now he is the only one working..and I'm taking care of the kids, and the house and actively looking for a job. He doesn't like the fact that I don't go over the top with certain things.. The house is always clean, but because I could do more with the house - as in scrub the bathtub, etc.. that I'm not doing my part.. He wants a woman! Or that, I could be standing more firm with our son.. that he only gets to see during the weekend, when he decides to get up..

I really am at a lost of what to do.. I love him, but I don't think I am "in love" with him..and I am really am not sure why I love him! Right now, my daughters 1st birthday is coming up, and then my son's 7th bday is the month after, and with me not having a job, I worry about how they will have their party.... along with my son being in school... I think about leaving all the time, that I can leave once school is over... and then times where I really try to make it work, and then am told again, how I'm not being who he wants me to be.. He says it all the time that we wont be together too much longer.. How am I suppose to be that woman for him, when first of all, he doesn't love me, and second because he isn't even recognizing what I AM doing!

I really believe its a divorce relationship, but I can't seem to get out of it! What should I do?? I already feel like a fool - I moved back with ALL of my stuff in the beginning of October ,and moved back again a month later...just to have him tell me now that I'm at fault...and overlooks what he doesn't do or did!

Please, what can I do???
 

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It's not all your fault. Read back over your post. Why are you still there? He's been cheating on you the entire time. He treats you terribly.

IMHO, you should make your exit plan. Do you have a joint account with him? Open your own account that he does not know about. Give the bank your parent's home address for mailings.

Get things lined up for you to move to some friend's or family member's.

Your son can be moved to a new school now. He probably even knows kids back where you came from.

Get a divorce lawyer hired in the town you came from. Have your lawyer help you plan.

One day just leave. Move 1/2 to 3/4 of the money in joint accounts into the account in your name... keep good records 'cause you will need to show the court that you did not rip your husband off but only took the money for you and the kids.

And once you move, do not talk to your husband... not for a very long time. Tell him you will only communicate via email and only about the children.

Make sure your attorney files for divorce and sets up a temp custody/visitation plan the day you move. And has your husband served as soon as possible.
 

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You only get one chance at life... Don't waste it being unhappy with a man who doesn't respect or love you. The advice above is good get all your ducks in a row and then leave.

It will be hard but you will be happy again in he future and more importantly your children will grow up with a mother that shows them what it is to set boundaries and not to be treated badly

Good luck x
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Why are you still there?

He doesn't respect you - he knows you will keep taking him back. Why should he treat you decently?

First, get your finances in order. You need a job. Put some money away. Don't get pregnant again. Speak with a divorce lawyer. Do you have any family you could live with for a while until you get enough money saved up to live on your own?

Don't live like this. Walk away and never look back.
 

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Thanks for the advice, and believe me..if it were that easy..Id do it! I have no job, he uses my car (his needs new tires).. We dont have joint accts because its always been a his money is his.. my money is ours.. ,plus no money saved up. I have been searching for jobs ..and still no luck yet.
I already moved back once, and now owe my Mom $400 for moving expenses and gas.. I stayed with my sister in her 1 bedroom apartment with both kids..and it was so hard to deal with. I signed up for housing support, but still have not heard from them..and its been a long time..
He does treat me horrible, and I cant stand it, but I am scared just to end this life..to move forward .. I took my son out of school already once and transferred him..I feel him Id do it again, that Social Services might get involved..and I dont want that.. thats why I say, I cant leave until at least after school is over.. I just am not sure how to deal with 'us' for that long..
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material stuff you can get any time i suggest that you get the kids and run file for divorce and let him be apart of the kids life. You shouldnt live your life like this its not good for you or your kids. You dont want your son growing up to think that it is ok to cheat on a woman and she just has to deal with it. You need to get out now you have let him have this hold over you its time to break that, and sorry to say it but of course he is going to sleep with other women or her but his been doing that while you have been married. You need to move on with your life or your sake and the sake of your kids. Good Luck
 

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to be honest if social services did get involved they may be able to find you a place of your own in no time if you explain to them what he has been doing show them the proof and tell them that you dont want anything to do with him. I dont know how the authorities work in US but isnt there a way for emergency accomodation also couldnt you stay with your mum until you sort yourself out let her know what has been happening and that you need her help.
 

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I am still waiting to hear about "housing".. none of my family has room for 3 people.. I don't want to depend on anyone.. Would it be bad of me to stick it out, get a job (save what I can-without him knowing) and move then??

I know he won't change, and I just kept dreaming he would and thats why we still are together... but every time I start thinking about leaving him, I start to feel bad, I start to think, well what if he did change..etc, and then my mind is turned around!

I can't talk to anyone anymore, because its always "I told you so". or I don't want to feel stupid for continuing to stay with him and going back to him. As I read this, I am thinking about him and even though he acts as if me leaving wouldn't affect him, I know it would..and I'm instantly sad!

I was thinking about going through Avail - but I don't think that my situation needs me to go to their shelter!

Does anyone else know of any help to get me into my own place?
 

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If you have no money, does he buy the groceries? Important question so please answer.

It's ok to stay a while until you get on your feet. The biggest problem is your back sliding and staying, your self esteem slipping more and more.

What I suggest is that you go to an abuses spouse place. They give free counseling and might be able to help you get the resources you need to move out.

They can help you come up with an exit plan. YOu need one. They might also beable to help you get a job.
 

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Please know that until you are mentally ready to move on you should stay where you are. If this man is allowed to get into your head and make you feel bad about yourself it only helps him. I suggest you take this time to plan. Start with baby steps and they will eventually grow. The first baby step, start telling yourself daily that you are a good person and you deserve to be happy. Tell yourself this whether you believe it right now or not. Next baby step, start looking at how you are there for your children and what role he plays in your children's lives. Is he an active parent? Next baby step, get on the internet and search out jobs that you maybe able to do from home. Update or put together a resume using your experience no matter how mediocre you may feel your talents may be. Don't think for one moment because you don't have a paying job that your self worth is zero. You have one of the hardest jobs in the world and that's raising two beautiful children. Use that talent and get paid for it. Maybe you can babysit or work for a daycare. If you sit down and make plans to change your life and work the plans you make, then when you are mentally and physically ready to leave you won't go back to him. Remember you have been in this relationship a long time by yourself. Now it's time that you realize that as long as you hold on to what if, then you will never know your strength and how happy you really can be.
 

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Thanks everyone! The past couple days are starting to get worse between the two of us. I don't think I have a choice to stay, as he has told me he hates being married to me, and he wants me to be gone soon.

I applied for government help to get me into a place back home, and am looking at a job there, too. I did go to college so I have an Associates Degree, so that helps me in the long run. Its just the matter of getting a job.

He is an active father when he chooses to be, which would only be on Saturday or Sunday - depending on if he is tired or not, or if a game is on..

I know the "what if" would always be there, because ultimately my only choice is to leave.and I will never know if he would have changed. I don't think I can ever get rid of that feeling.

Things need to happen soon, and I hope they will. I will keep you posted on what happens in the near future. Thank you for all your advice!
 

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I'm so lost! I have finally have the opportunity with an apartment for me and the kids, but now I'm stuck! Now that my husband knows I am leaving, he is trying his hardest to get me to stay..and to tell you the truth, I feel like its working.

I love him, I really do...and yes, I know this is just his tactic to get me to stay, and things will probably stay the same - but I can't help think that maybe, just maybe he is being honest, and he really does want to make it work... I need help, advice, etc... I know what my head is telling me to do, but my heart is telling me to stay with him.. :(
 
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