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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Without going too in detail about what has been going on (for those of you that don't know, you can read my blog). I emailed my husband last night. He still has yet to say absolutely anything to me.

I decided that if he wasn't give to give me an opportunity to say what I need to say, then I was going to make an opportunity. I told him that until he was willing to take responsibility for what he has done - I would not be waiting for him anymore.

Now, I feel exhaustively anxious. I wrote it and sent it to him to "get closure" but now, I just want to know if he has read it, what his reaction was, etc, etc. I know this thinking is futile, but I don't know how to stop. Any suggestions?
 

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It's my eyesight, I expect, but I had terrible difficulty with the font on your blog.

Also, as some people access TAM via mobile it's easier to keep it all on the site. Please tell us here in your thread what your problem is and we will do our best to help.
 

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Stop. When you feel anxious, say "Stop!", ask yourself why you are feeling this way and write it down. Keeping a journal is going to be good for you in seeing how you are feeling throughout the day and night. Your journal will become your best friend, it will mirror you, teach you about you etc. Gotta write down 10 best character traits you had BEFORE you met him and 5 you want after this is all over. Pray, if you can. Be gentle with yourself, take bubble baths, light candles, drink teas. Take care of YOU. Try, try, try.

Him...My father told me: "Don't worry about anyone who is not worried about you." Gonna have to bite that tongue and tuck those fingers when the urge comes to communicate with him. Rage it out in your journal and sign up for a kick-boxing class - pretend he is the punching bag. Wait it out and see. Please let him make the first move from here on out. Start letting him go. "If you love something set it free. If it comes back, it was always yours. If it doesn't, it never was"....Very true indeed. Take each day one at a time.
 

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The font is rather blurry, I do agree! Makes you wonder if you have eye problems..lol
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
It's my eyesight, I expect, but I had terrible difficulty with the font on your blog.

Also, as some people access TAM via mobile it's easier to keep it all on the site. Please tell us here in your thread what your problem is and we will do our best to help.
Sorry about that, Matt. I changed the layout of it (this isn't this first complaint I have gotten about it lol). It can also be accessed via mobile.

Basically, my husband moved out at the end of December. He moved in with the OW. At the time all this was happening, I didn't know she was the OW. Since that happened, I found everything out - though not through efforts of his. He has absolutely refused to speak with me. Not that I have tried, because I haven't. Last night, though. I finally had enough. I had a lot to say to him and since he wasn't giving me the opportunity to do so, I made an opportunity to do so.

I emailed him something that pretty much boiled down to: Until you are ready to accept responsibility for what you have done - I won't be waiting for you. I still have hope that one day things will work out in the end (though I am still not sure what exactly that means) but I can't keep living my life as though at any minute things will go back to the way they used to be. I am living my life on my terms, not on yours. ETC. ETC.

My problem now is that I am pretty close to an anxiety attack. I am pretty certain my blood pressure is through the roof, my chest hurts, and my head is throbbing. I don't know how to make it stop.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I have tried a number of things to try to calm myself down. I just ate. I have tried meditation. I just can't seem to find the key. My BP is pretty high right now - I don't know if that is the cause of the anxiety or a symptom of it. I really just want to calm down - there is no reason I should be feeling like this right now...
 

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I have tried a number of things to try to calm myself down. I just ate. I have tried meditation. I just can't seem to find the key. My BP is pretty high right now - I don't know if that is the cause of the anxiety or a symptom of it. I really just want to calm down - there is no reason I should be feeling like this right now...
Just done reading your blog:)
And just wanted to say.You need not to worry,as long as you stay
and keep doing what you all ready are.:smthumbup:

Ps
need to get this book my self The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz*and read it..


This part is great

What exactly are the four agreements we need to make ourselves? (From the front flap of the book.)


Be impeccable with your word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don't take anything personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
Don't make assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Always do your best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.


Remember you will be fine either way:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks, Jonesey. It really is an amazing book. It's one of those things you read and are like, "Man, why didn't I think of that before." It isn't long, either. I was able to read it over a couple of nights.
 

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wow, sounds like me after Dday! Lost 25 pounds in one month...I ate myself up with anxiety and stress. If you are using alcohol, stop...its a depressive and will only make you feel worse. Exercise, alot! I took bike rides of 25 miles but the exercise is a stress reducer by producing beneficial hormones. I found a wholistically orientated nurse practitioner who prescribed suppliments that boosted my mood and supported immune system, she also listened to my woes. Breathe deeply, visualize a peaceful secure place, meditate...Distract yourself: read, draw, write, start a new project, whatever. When ever negative, obsessive thoughts enter your mind, notice them without judgment like a flock of birds across the sky...let them come and go and release them...they do not determine a thing in themselves... Realise that some things are just simply out of your control...you went the full nine yards by contacting him, now what will be will be and was meant to be. Patience. Realise the fog of A which has absolutely nothing to do with you, is enveloping him...let statistics be your support...only 3% of APs successfully stay together. HOWEVER, if you feel you are having a full fledged panic attack or have heart disease and the symptoms don't recede, you might want to get yourself checked out by a MD, a prescription for a mild sedative may be in order. Hang in there.
 

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Praying has helped me tremendously! Today was my first actual day with the lowest anxiety in 31 days. Any time I think about my WS I would get all the pressure in my chest and would drive myself crazy, I have lost 20 lbs in 31 days and I've been hitting the gym like crazy just to keep my mind at ease. But I still ask the lord for the courage and strength to get me through the day. Im praying about 15-20 times per day now and it does help.
 

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Sorry about that, Matt. I changed the layout of it (this isn't this first complaint I have gotten about it lol). It can also be accessed via mobile.

Basically, my husband moved out at the end of December. He moved in with the OW. At the time all this was happening, I didn't know she was the OW. Since that happened, I found everything out - though not through efforts of his. He has absolutely refused to speak with me. Not that I have tried, because I haven't. Last night, though. I finally had enough. I had a lot to say to him and since he wasn't giving me the opportunity to do so, I made an opportunity to do so.

I emailed him something that pretty much boiled down to: Until you are ready to accept responsibility for what you have done - I won't be waiting for you. I still have hope that one day things will work out in the end (though I am still not sure what exactly that means) but I can't keep living my life as though at any minute things will go back to the way they used to be. I am living my life on my terms, not on yours. ETC. ETC.

My problem now is that I am pretty close to an anxiety attack. I am pretty certain my blood pressure is through the roof, my chest hurts, and my head is throbbing. I don't know how to make it stop.
Where you are:
You are in shock. Read up on the stages of grief and post traumatic stress disorder. You are anxious because you are in shock. Your response is normal. You are going to learn about being patient, kind, understanding and loving to yourself during this process. You have to give your mind time to catch up with your body, they are trying to adjust and balance. You have been placed in a situation of bewilderment. You are trying to adjust to his sudden disappearance and betrayal with no explanation. I have been there in terms of the shock, and regret how I chose to resolve it. I would not want you to make the same mistake. So you have just got to ride this bull, until you can tame it. When we go though these types of events, it seems permanent and our minds believe it is. But, I promise you, it's temporary.

He has forced you into silencing your screaming emotions. He did not have the respect and courtesy to "say" f**k off. He just left, like you dropped off his atlas. You will come to see that it was never you he did not respect, it was himself.

Where you will be:
You will find the courage to mentally kick him to the curb. That starts with acknowledging who he really is and what he really did. You will stop allowing his actions to define who you are or what they might mean about who you are. It is a very painful process. You will face the facts about the whole thing and draw a wise conclusion to propel you forward. Give yourself the room to grieve without acting on it. You have to go through the grieving process (as if a truck smashed him on the street - except he deserved it). Too, look at which way you would have preferred for him to have exited, it will tell you a lot about yourself.

The cliche:
I guarantee that when you do heal, he's going to come crawling back to you like the amoeba he is, and I guarantee you, you are going to kick his a**. Also he is going to kicks hers or she his. And I further guarantee that you will enjoy it!

(If he tries to come back before you heal promise yourself to finish healing before anything else, this is your priority.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Where you are:
You are in shock. Read up on the stages of grief and post traumatic stress disorder. You are anxious because you are in shock. Your response is normal. You are going to learn about being patient, kind, understanding and loving to yourself during this process. You have to give your mind time to catch up with your body, they are trying to adjust and balance. You have been placed in a situation of bewilderment. You are trying to adjust to his sudden disappearance and betrayal with no explanation. I have been there in terms of the shock, and regret how I chose to resolve it. I would not want you to make the same mistake. So you have just got to ride this bull, until you can tame it. When we go though these types of events, it seems permanent and our minds believe it is. But, I promise you, it's temporary.

He has forced you into silencing your screaming emotions. He did not have the respect and courtesy to "say" f**k off. He just left, like you dropped off his atlas. You will come to see that it was never you he did not respect, it was himself.

Where you will be:
You will find the courage to mentally kick him to the curb. That starts with acknowledging who he really is and what he really did. You will stop allowing his actions to define who you are or what they might mean about who you are. It is a very painful process. You will face the facts about the whole thing and draw a wise conclusion to propel you forward. Give yourself the room to grieve without acting on it. You have to go through the grieving process (as if a truck smashed him on the street - except he deserved it). Too, look at which way you would have preferred for him to have exited, it will tell you a lot about yourself.

The cliche:
I guarantee that when you do heal, he's going to come crawling back to you like the amoeba he is, and I guarantee you, you are going to kick his a**. Also he is going to kicks hers or she his. And I further guarantee that you will enjoy it!

(If he tries to come back before you heal promise yourself to finish healing before anything else, this is your priority.)
Truth be told, today is the first day it has really affected me physically like this. I am a lot farther along in the grieving process than I seem. He moved out a month ago. I went through blaming myself, I went through blaming everything on the OW (while she is an extremely manipulative person, she is not solely responsible), I have made leaps and bounds over the past few weeks.

I feel like emailing him last night was my way of retaking control of my life. I feel like I am anxious because I just want to know if he has read it. I don't want any sort of response. I told him in the email that I didn't even want one - from either of them. Even if it was just an apology - I didn't need nor want it.

I have already resolved myself to kicking him to the curb if he and the OW end too soon for me. The thing is - I know it will end. I know him, I know her, and I know their relationship habits. Months before this all happened he had told me that any relationship he could possibly have with her would be purely sexual (my sex drive is damaged so our marriage was mildly sexless. Also, we were weighing the idea of them being "buddies" before everything happened - my idea, not his. You don't need to tell me how much of a mistake this was). I believe him. I wouldn't go so far as to say he is a sex addict - but I would not be surprised. The point I am making is she has stopped having sex with him (I have a "mole") - she always does this to her boyfriends. She is extremely "giving" until she thinks she has "won" them, then stops sleeping with them. It isn't going to last.

To explain how I know - she WAS one of my best friends.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
As a sort of follow up:

The email that I send to my WH was read by the OW today. I don't know if she intercepted it before he got to it or if he showed her. Either way, she read it and, as expected flipped her lid. I knew she would - I made sure to include in the letter a decent sized section about how she could try to justify her actions by saying I was "a horrible friend" until the cows come home - it didn't excuse her destroying my family. I further explained that I was the one who gave her a roof over her head whenever she needed it (rent free), and that I was the one who helped her pick herself back up after her exes not only broke her heart but completely crushed it, and that she was a cold-hearted coward.

She is not pleased. Right now she is yelling one of my friends for "telling me things" that she had told her apparently expecting she deserved anyone to be her own personal confidant.
 

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As a sort of follow up:

The email that I send to my WH was read by the OW today. I don't know if she intercepted it before he got to it or if he showed her. Either way, she read it and, as expected flipped her lid. I knew she would - I made sure to include in the letter a decent sized section about how she could try to justify her actions by saying I was "a horrible friend" until the cows come home - it didn't excuse her destroying my family. I further explained that I was the one who gave her a roof over her head whenever she needed it (rent free), and that I was the one who helped her pick herself back up after her exes not only broke her heart but completely crushed it, and that she was a cold-hearted coward.

She is not pleased. Right now she is yelling one of my friends for "telling me things" that she had told her apparently expecting she deserved anyone to be her own personal confidant.
Oh, no! She is not pleased? :eek:

Then it is time you spread the news about her further and wider...
 

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Spread it like wildfire.
She is clearly only interested in herself.
 

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Benzodiazepines such as Xanax and Klonopin (as well as a host of others) can do wonders when it comes to anxiety relief. Speak to your primary psychiatrist about getting on a short cycle of these types of medication to help you past the tough times.

If you want a nore natural approach, try Kava-Kava, an herb commonly grown in Hawaii and can greatly reduce anxiety and stress.
 
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