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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm back to thinking about suicide again. I think about it constantly. My life is so far from where is supposed to be. And my husband goes through periods where he will ignore every call or msg or anything. He always does it, so I don't know why it bothers me anymore. Maybe its because I know hes with her when he does it. I hate my life. I hate everyone. I ran off all my friends. I didn't want people to see me hurt like this, and it hurt their lives, and I lash out at people. I can't eat, sleep, work. I have 3.8 GPA and now Im failing. I try to smile, and live but its impossible. My husband has an 18 yr old girlfriend and she met all his family and Im some cast off. And you know his sister was arrested for molesting our child and they all accept her and never said anything about it, but treated me horribly. I want to die. I'm so alone. I'm thinking about taking myself to hospital because I really might find some way to end my life. Anyway is better than this. :confused:
 

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I'm so sorry you're in such pain. I'm also suicidal and alone. It sucks. I can't believe how he and his family have treated you! Screw them! What a nasty piece of work they are!!! Does your husband still live with you? If so, boot him the hell out. Are you in counselling? Anti-depressants? Get yourself to a dr ASAP, or hospital if you think you are in danger. I'm holding out till tomorrow when I see my dr. Didn't know if I would make it through the weekend tbh. Does your child live with you? How old is she/he? This is so hard, but you do need to look after yourself. I don't eat much or sleep either. Can you explain your situation to the school and take a break? I don't have friends either. I don't know what happened with them, but are you sure they're not interested? I think you should approach someone and ask for help. I'm sure they wold understand how you've not been yourself- and you're not- this is your depression talking. I think distraction is a good thing, put a film on, if you can managed a walk, do that. I went to the cinema tonight. It didn't even matter what it was, I just had to have a break from thinking. Make a plan for what you can to help yourself. You deserve so much more than this. You have a bigger destiny than this. Hold on until you can see someone who will listen. And keep posting back here, ok? I'm on your side, and the people here will give you so much support. Big hugs xox
 

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Please call, every life is precious. Think about your family they need you. This is a temporary situation, things will get better. You are not alone I care what happens to you. God cares about you.


Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
‎National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I would call but I broke my phone. All I want is be alone and cry in my bed all day. My husbands been moved out for a while, I probably should have posted on the same thread. I've tried everything counseling, pills, its all only a temporary fix. Ive been struggling with BiPolar for 10 years, and the last 3 years I was one my meds, but when my husband left I started vomiting all the time, the medication wasnt staying in my body. So they tried another medication, but the vomiting came back and I lost 8 lbs in two weeks. I dont know what to do anymore. I alienate everyone because I dont want to hurt this way, why have friends? They always tried to sleep with my husband anyways... I do have my son. He lives with my most of the time. Which makes everything harder. Hes so sad. I can see it. We are miserable and I hate my life.
 

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Re: Re: I cant seem to find any light in this darkness

I would call but I broke my phone. All I want is be alone and cry in my bed all day. My husbands been moved out for a while, I probably should have posted on the same thread. I've tried everything counseling, pills, its all only a temporary fix. Ive been struggling with BiPolar for 10 years, and the last 3 years I was one my meds, but when my husband left I started vomiting all the time, the medication wasnt staying in my body. So they tried another medication, but the vomiting came back and I lost 8 lbs in two weeks. I dont know what to do anymore. I alienate everyone because I dont want to hurt this way, why have friends? They always tried to sleep with my husband anyways... I do have my son. He lives with my most of the time. Which makes everything harder. Hes so sad. I can see it. We are miserable and I hate my life.
Children can feel your hurting. Where are your parents, siblings? Find a neighbor, someone to help.

You have access to your computer, you can chat with the hotline at this address:http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/Accessibility
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
my sisters havent spoken to me in almost a year, over an extremely petty argument at easter, and my parents never really cared. I suppose thats really why I want to die. Ive tried everything with my husband, and my family, I stay to myself because I feel like Im not capable of being loved. And thats where that emptiness lies I guess.
 

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I don't even know if my son would remember me.
How old is your son? You can get through this, people do get through this. You have a long future ahead of you, your GPA is very impressive I was unable to achieve that in college. You can make it on your own.

Chopsy is right, you need a distraction, you need to get thinking about something else. You said you should probably go to a hospital, go find a neighbor and ask them to call 911 to get you to one.
 

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Please try to chat with the online help. Don't do anything until you can talk to someone. Chopsy this goes for you too, contact the hotline. Do not give up on life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Hes four. Im okay now. I think I cried myself out. Now Im just exhausted. I feel like a terrible parent though. He took a really long nap so he didnt see me cry a lot today but I kinda an just not there, and I dont want to be that person.
 

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Hes four. Im okay now. I think I cried myself out. Now Im just exhausted. I feel like a terrible parent though. He took a really long nap so he didnt see me cry a lot today but I kinda an just not there, and I dont want to be that person.
Give yourself a break life is really hard sometimes. Both you guys just have more pain than you can cope with right now. You are not at fault for any of this, you can get through this. You need help though.

Four is a wonderful age, they are just starting to really talk and express their personality. It is a world of discovery for him.

Listen if you ever need to talk you can PM me anytime I do care and you too Chopsy.

PS: I just noticed where your from. I live in Minnesota now but was born in Shreveport and graduated from LA Tech. You going to Northwestern, my brother graduated from there.
 

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No man is worth this pain. Certainly, no man is worth your life. Your depression will stop you from seeing this so I hope you will reach out for help. You are young and will have many wonderful years with your son.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
And yes I attend NSU here. Im in the IT program and had this awesome intership (I was working for that for years), and I completely blew it.
 

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I don't even know if my son would remember me.
of course he'd remember you..don't be silly...your his mom.

besides getting through this and living the rest of your life...you have your son to consider here...so knock off the suicide crap...pick yourself up and figure it out. Get help.

One stupid jackazz is not worth killing ourselves over...he's a penis that can be replaced yanno. He doesn't determine your very essence and being. It feels like that now but it's not true. He's 'one' man and a dooshbag at that.

I don't have any family either. I have two grown kids...no parents no sibling...my kids are out being in their 20's...my stbxh walked out on me...and I am going through the divorce from he!!...he didn't even leave me because of another woman..although I'm sure he's dipping his stick into a few now...what am I to do? There is no chance of a R with this one...as I have an OFP on him...done.

The way you feel...is exactly...EXACTLY the way i felt a mere few weeks ago...two months ago or so perhaps...it was either get a grip or roll over and die...ya well...c'mon...really? Are we going to let 'one man' ruin who we are? Or can be? I don't think so...no.

Don't let this guy 'own you'...figure this out...you have too...especially because of your son...can you imagine him growing up knowing he wasn't worth it for you to live for him? That's pretty sad girl.

If you need the help...get the help...and it sounds like you do. Couseling...meds...find new friends...TAM...refocus...reinvent yoruself...get your friggin balls back.

You have got to realize one guy just is 'not worth' an entire life time of pain...or ending our lives for...geez...this is a hump...what your experienceing is something you 'can and will' get through...if you have to 'want to' get through it. And take the steps neccessary to do so...

Stop letting him control you...own you...get the best of you...clean up your act...take your life back...control what you can...and actually girl...you have the chance to control everything about you now...so do it. Seriously...start making changes to fix yourself...re invent...

let this dooshbag go...we can't control what choices these guys made doing what they've done to us...we can't...but we CAN chose how we react and continue to LIVE... you have a four year old that needs you to be strong...and vivacious...your a mom...YOU ARE A MOM! PUT THAT FIRST...

You are putting your f'd up situation first...you can't do that. You need to rethink and reprogram your brain...change little things...then change bigger things...but make some dam changes...GET OUT OF BED! MAKE SOME PHONE CALLS! MOVE!!!!!

DO NOT ROLL OVER AND DIE! ...Stop letting your ex win...there's been enough dam damage...repair yourself...you have two major reasons to do so...

So do it. Get a dam grip. I had to...and If I had to...(and I didn't have anyone else but me...except for pets)...but if I had too...you HAVE TO!

Make a choice to live! Fight for you life! No more pity party...reclaim your old friends...make new ones...get help...get meds...leave this guy alone...make changes...color your hair...paint your nails...get closer to your son...

RE-INVENT YOU!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Depression is putting HUGE blocks in my mind. Now Im experiencing my more and more scarce "clarity". Sometimes I can see all the problems but I see very little I can really do about it. My husband isnt a terrible person... At least he wasnt always. He makes really bad choices, and I wish he would see. He says hes hurt over everything but he will NOT dump his girlfriend. Ive begged and pleaded, he even said he wanted to, but never did. I wonder why men cheat on the women the supposed love? I have a friend who does this. He apparently cares about her but has a friend he sleeps with. Its like a science fair project to me sometimes. I watch him and I compare it all to my husband, and try to find the link. But I cant. None of it makes sense
 

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And yes I attend NSU here. Im in the IT program and had this awesome intership (I was working for that for years), and I completely blew it.
Im in IT too, been in it 32 years now. Started off in Mainframes, then worked with PC's, then big Unix environments, and now Linux back on PC's.

Don't worry about the internship, there are always jobs for good people in IT and with your grade point average you should have no trouble. What are you studying, engineering or programming?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Make a choice to live! Fight for you life! No more pity party...reclaim your old friends...make new ones...get help...get meds...leave this guy alone...make changes...color your hair...paint your nails...get closer to your son...

RE-INVENT YOU!!!!
I like that idea. :smthumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
well it WAS a 3.8. Last semester I failed every single class. Ive never even dropped a class before, so now I have a 2.8... I'm in programming, thinking about cyber security, web design. Im also taking a PC pro class for a certification to repair and diagnose pcs. I went to the doctor last month, but medications arent working out. I am definitely one of those people that isnt normal without them. I'm going back tom. I have to talk to someone. This sadness really isnt me. And I dont want to be forever lost because of my husband. Its just hard, replanning my whole life.
 
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