Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
my fiance and i were best friends for quite a while before we even began a relationship. We always liked each other, and we had other relationships but one thing was always holding me back from dating him. He was in a long term relationship with a girl who cheated on him all the time, and they had a child when they were still in highschool. they got married young i guess to do the "right thing". He still always talked so highly of the kids mother and i knew he wasn't over her. Some time has passed now and we're engaged and he swears that he thought he loved her because she was all he knew but hes happy with me now. I find this hard to believe and i feel like i have to compete with her, even though he doesn't bring her up at all. I like the kid and care for her but i know i will not love her like i would love my own and he knows this. the girl is 8 now and we get along great, and she likes me but I always had the vision of getting married and sharing a first child but now i know i won't get that with him. I love him to death, i really do, but i find myself always angry and bitter towards him. I find myself wishing that if he was a smarter teen, i wouldn't have to deal with this, and i feel horrible for feeling like that. I really don't want to break up with him but i feel like theres a void between us because im always thinking about how i wasn't able to give him his first child. I hate feeling like i may not be living up to how 'good" his ex was, even though now he always argues with her..which i think is a way to convince himself he doesn't care about her anymore. i really don't know what to do with this because i do see myself being with him and marrying him, but this one thing is bothering me so much... any advice?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,372 Posts
I love him to death, i really do, but i find myself always angry and bitter towards him. I find myself wishing that if he was a smarter teen, i wouldn't have to deal with this, and i feel horrible for feeling like that. I really don't want to break up with him but i feel like theres a void between us because im always thinking about how i wasn't able to give him his first child.
You can't go into a marriage if this is how you feel.

These are your issues, since he isn't the one making you feel this way through his behavior.

How long has this been going on? If it's been a while and you really can't get beyond it by simply being happy that you are with this man and through your love for him, then you really ought not get married.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
62 Posts
You might want to take a hard look at what you call love. You say you love him, but don't want his child. She is a part of him. If you truly love him you might want to reevaluate your attitude towards his daughter.

Sure he made a mistake. But from your story as described I see a man who has taken responsibility for his child - a huge plus to me. You could dwell on his mistake or you could look at it another way. You could see a man who you can trust to care for any children you'd have with him because he's already demonstrated that with his 8 year old.

And the bottom line? It's not the kids fault. She already has to deal with a 1 parent home thorough no fault of hers. You say you love this man yet you wouldn't welcome his child? I don't get it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
the issues haven't been there long. he's in the military and since he's gotten back from deployment, things have been really tense. we argue over the smallest things, and even though i try to talk to him, he usually shuts the idea of talking it out down. I'm realizing that i may be using him having a child as a crutch to things that we argue about. I used to have self esteem issues and lately they have been surfacing again so i may have insecurities about him being with the baby's mother for so long. although we argue about the child sometimes, when we're all together, we get along great and most of the time we go do "girl" things. i care about the kid and i know its not her fault but i think its mostly about the fact of me not liking the mother, because shes done horrible things to him and has no self respect. but maybe in a way i can thank her, since i have him now. i think i have insecurities as maybe feeling like im not good enough. i'm seeing a therapist currently about my anxiety and trust issues but the therapist has brought up the idea of having my fiance join in on a session as a sort of marital counseling.
i do see my fiance as a responsible man and i most definitely trust him with having a child with him.
whereas thats where the other issue comes in. we've been trying to conceive for quite some time and i have not been able to get pregnant. i sort of resent the ex for being able to give him a baby..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
544 Posts
If you love him, and you value this relationship, then you have to get over these feelings of insecurity and jealousy. Stop comparing yourself to his ex - he wants to be with you, not with her.
Accept the fact that he has a past, and a child from a past relationship. This doesn't mean that he would love any less the children you will give him. As someone else said, this kid is a part of him, and is innocent. Try to love her, if not like your own, as a little piece of the man you love.
In addition, her being born is not his fault. Must have been his ex's decision to keep the baby, with or without him. If he didn't care for her at all, wouldn't you wonder what kind of man you're marrying?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
OP,

Your resentment that your SO has a child by his EX is I fear linked with your own perceived problems getting pregnant (are there medical issues or have you just not got the timing right).
You tell us there have been problems since your SO got back from deployment, I was lucky to be out of the military before I married but I know that it can take time to adjust to home life again. As for your therapist's suggestion of a joint session I think this could help you both to see the situation from the other side and thereby gain a better understanding.

The best of luck to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
405 Posts
You are right you will never love this child like your own biological child, but if you get along well I think that is a good sign. I am a stepparent and I absolutely adore my husband. He is worth the extra effort because he is a good man. The brady bunch is nonsense. If you can take that burden of expectation off you will be fine. Step families actually function better when there is some distance there. Let him parent the child. A good book to read on stepparenting is "Stepmonster."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
You are right you will never love this child like your own biological child, but if you get along well I think that is a good sign. I am a stepparent and I absolutely adore my husband. He is worth the extra effort because he is a good man. The brady bunch is nonsense. If you can take that burden of expectation off you will be fine. Step families actually function better when there is some distance there. Let him parent the child. A good book to read on stepparenting is "Stepmonster."
From the other side of that equation,

My father re-married 4 years after he and my mother divorced, I never saw my step mother as a replacement / substitute for my mother but I did come to love her.
The joy that she brought into my father’s life, and the support / encouragement she showed to me / my siblings / our families showed what a wonderful person she was.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Vrs

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,908 Posts
Please do not bring another child into this situation until you've got things worked out. Things are plenty complicated already, and like some of the others, I don't think you should marry him. At least, not until you can accept both of them with all your heart.

The idea of pre-marital counselling is a good one. What does your counsellor think about you trying to conceive now? Just curious...

C
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,888 Posts
I agree, don't marry him. Hold off the wedding until your willing to welcome this child with open arms and being the best step mother you can be.

I had a child in a previous marriage. My husband took in my daughter as if it were ours together. I couldn't of asked for a better role model or father for her. There was no resentments or jealousy on his part.

This child will soon be a teenager, their attitude change drastically and they are sometimes not so easy to get along. I raised one child into adulthood and I have another child heading into puberty. These are not easy years and the kids need parents guidance more then ever.

I think it's superb that your fiancé wants to be so active in his daughters life. It shows that he's a family man and he is a great father. He will be a great father to your own children as well. You often see fathers(and mothers) who don't pay attention to their children.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,599 Posts
my fiance and i were best friends for quite a while before we even began a relationship. We always liked each other, and we had other relationships but one thing was always holding me back from dating him. He was in a long term relationship with a girl who cheated on him all the time, and they had a child when they were still in highschool. they got married young i guess to do the "right thing". He still always talked so highly of the kids mother and i knew he wasn't over her. Some time has passed now and we're engaged and he swears that he thought he loved her because she was all he knew but hes happy with me now. I find this hard to believe and i feel like i have to compete with her, even though he doesn't bring her up at all. I like the kid and care for her but i know i will not love her like i would love my own and he knows this. the girl is 8 now and we get along great, and she likes me but I always had the vision of getting married and sharing a first child but now i know i won't get that with him. I love him to death, i really do, but i find myself always angry and bitter towards him. I find myself wishing that if he was a smarter teen, i wouldn't have to deal with this, and i feel horrible for feeling like that. I really don't want to break up with him but i feel like theres a void between us because im always thinking about how i wasn't able to give him his first child. I hate feeling like i may not be living up to how 'good" his ex was, even though now he always argues with her..which i think is a way to convince himself he doesn't care about her anymore. i really don't know what to do with this because i do see myself being with him and marrying him, but this one thing is bothering me so much... any advice?
My wife met her first TRUE LOVE in high school. He was 21. He patiently waited till she was 18 and then knocked her up and dumped her.

We married when her son was 18 mo. 47 years later he is one of my closest friends, and would defend me to the death...

He is a good man, and I am proud of him....

If you love your guy, marry him and make up your mind to be kind to his daughter. Love will come, and in your golden years she will be a treasure to you....trust me.....
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,402 Posts
You won't give him his first child. But you will give him something better: a child he can see every day. A full time family. You will be able to share your love with your future children.
My h and I both have kids from a previous marriage and it isn't easy. Sometimes I do wish we had been each others first marriages. But things happen for a reason. This girl was meant to be put on this earth.
if you can't reconcile yourself to that, I would suggest you put off the wedding and get into counseling.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Think carefully before walking down the isle. I'm in a similar situation...although I did not find out about the daughter until AFTER we got married...it's a nightmare.... would never have married him if I knew he had a daughter....probably not going to stay married. Good Luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,976 Posts
If you don't feel like you can handle it or don't want to, then don't marry him and move on to find a man who does not have a child(ren). A very simple answer. Marriage won't magically make you feel better about the situation, so don't get married thinking things will just "fall into place". They won't.

For myself, I didn't feel like I could jump into the position of being of a step mom, so I didn't date men who already had a child(ren). I love seeing men step up to the plate to help raise their children instead of abandoning ship, but it wasn't my place to be a step mom at my stage in life. There's nothing wrong with that. The child(ren) deserves to have someone who loves them and will take them in with open arms. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't be with the child's parent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
183 Posts
I had to get over similar feelings when I met my first husband. They aren't feelings you're proud of...but there they are. Myself? I was quite young, and I was resentful that I felt trapped...in love...but knowing that if I married, I had to give up my fantasy life...giving him so many firsts. Instead, another woman gave my husband many firsts.

Only age and experience taught me to grow out of that. There are many firsts you will still give your husband. And life isn't ever gonna be your fantasy anyway. Life is a gift you unwrap...not a recipe you carefully put together. It's all surprises.

That marriage didn't work out for other reasons, but I am glad I had gotten to the point of waking up and having some empathy...it wasn't all about me...it was about his kid and all that had been lost to him via divorce. He just needed someone to care about him. He wasn't a threat. He was a little kid. He was having a much harder time than I was.

Now in my second marriage, I got a step-daughter. I'd like to be close to her, but she's a grown adult and hates me. She is mentally ill. I leave the door open. Ok. My husband inherited my three kids. He a model step-dad. My kids love him as their father. Better than their father...and I know that this is the only way for things to be. Approach the step-kids with a tender heart. They have been through worse than what you're going through. Take the opportunity to grow a relationship with this child...you may find this child to be a wonderful treasure in your life.

Until you can at least accept...if not love...his child, do NOT get married. It will hurt you, the child and the marriage. You simply have to get through this first. It's no way to begin a marriage.

Love every piece of who he is...including being a good dad. Until you can truly do that, wait on the marriage. Marriage will only make the issues worse.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top