Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 2 of 2 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I am 32 years old and got divorced last year after almost 7 years of marriage and one child. My marriage was OK the first couple of years, and then things got really bad. My ex wouldn't give me a divorce for 2 years, and when he finally accepted, I learned from 2 friends that he had been cheating on me.

I was devastated. I gave up my country (I am from Latin America), a wedding (we were broke after spending a lot of money on immigration lawyers and forms), my family and a good-paying job for nothing.

At the beginning of this year I started dating again. I met Ryan, a handsome and fit guy who is divorced like me (he has no kids though). It was love at first sight, but soon we discovered our baggage was harder to deal with than anticipated.

He and his family would always compare me to his former wife (a true psycho). Even though the comparisons were always positive to me, I begin to feel uncomfortable. Like I was a band-aid and not seen me as me, but as the much improved partner of their son.

Then, we inevitably talked about the future. While we both envisioned being together, his memory of an over-the-top wedding and following downfall (his marriage lasted less than a year) taught him that a wedding is a big no no. I on the other side, long for a beautiful ceremony (it does not have to be grandiose, just meaningful). For him, a wedding "is just for show".

In July, I was waiting for my period and...nada. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I was on the pill. I called Ryan, who at first was shocked, and then became *really* excited.

He talked about our future, getting a house, raising a baby together... I got really enthusiastic about it. I wanted to wait at least a couple years, but alas, God had other plans. We announced the pregnancy to his family and everybody was really happy.

Then my mom started asking questions about marriage. I decided to ask Ryan what his thoughts were now and I told him I do not want to pressure him into getting married. I would like to someday, but ever under pressure. His response was this: "I do not want this baby to have the stigma of not being born to married parents". "So, you are doing this for obligation"-I said. He denied it, he said that marrying me wouldn't make him love me more and that weddings are "a huge waste of money and it is just for show". I left the living room in tears and sobbed for quite a while.

We never discussed marriage in depth since we both had been dating for less than a year and wanted to see where it would go. It was clear to me that my our previous experiences were so negative, we both were scarred because of that. And then, boom! Baby. This has forced us to discuss the marriage topic, and well, as you can see, things did not go so well.

He lives an hour away from me and just had his lease renewed because we couldn't find a place for the 2 of us this summer. He swears he will travel back and forth and that he will find a place by the time the baby is born (beginning of April). He says he will figure things out and that he loves me and loves this baby and wants to make the best out of it.

I am now in my apartment alone, feeling hormonal and vulnerable and crying because part of me does not want this baby. I also feel terribly hurt and rejected because his family and friends keeps asking us if we're tying the knot and he either changes the topic or says he "has been there, done that".

To make matters worst, my mom called last night and just added fuel to the fire. I am so conflicted: my mom raised me to be a smart***, independent woman (she was a single mom) who shunned weddings and marriage. I secretly wanted to be just like the other girls, but my mom would get really mad if I admitted I liked fashion or a wedding. I met my ex and I gave up a lot of things thinking he was the love of my life, and he turned out to be the most unsupportive and detached man I have ever known.

My mom berating me last night certainly did not help: she called me "immature" and she things my wish to get married one day is "stupid and just a dream".

I have been to counseling for the last 3 months, and although I have experienced some relief, as soon as I see anything that represents marriage, honeymoon on a wedding, I feel the negative emotions flooding back in.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
I am fully aware that he had a past when I met him. I knew he was divorced when we started dating. I would have understood if he married the girl of his dreams, then things went wrong, and ended up getting a divorce. But when he mentioned he felt pressured to get married but went ahead anyway, it raised a red flag for me. Why marrying someone if you are not fully convinced? Then I learned from his mom that the whole family begged him not to marry this girl and he defended her anyway. He agreed to have a big wedding because that is what she wanted. He tells me I am the love of his life but he won't even consider my wishes? That is the reason why I resent him a little bit.

When we first discussed having a future together, he shunned the idea of getting married. It hurt me, but I tried to convince myself that I would let the relationship take on a natural course and if things did not work out, then it would be time to say goodbye. Then I found out I was pregnant.

I do NOT want to get married now (no disrespect to ladies who married while pregnant, but it is definitely not something I want). I do NOT want to get married under pressure (his family wants a wedding now that we're expecting). I just wanted to know if marriage or a serious commitment is something he would consider. I know many guys who live with their partners for years and show no interest in taking it to the next level. I do not want to be stuck in limbo. If all he wants in to be there for the baby, it is fine. I will then focus on raising my children and move on with my life.
 
1 - 2 of 2 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top