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Discussion Starter #1
Only 4 days ago my wife told me that she doesn't want to live with me anymore.

i have been married with her for about 12 years and we have 2 kids.

We have been doing ok so far but my wife has been suffering from depression.

Especially last few weeks we were really doing good and only last friday my wife was telling me how much she loves me and how she want to live with me somewhere nice and hot and sunny in the next few years and we were talking about future plans etc.

But on sunday when i came home from work, she seemed angry and when we were eating our dinner she told me that she doesn't want to live with me anymmore..

I never been violent to her, never cheated and she does admit that i have been showing her love and effection all the time.

But she says sometimes i do get stressed very quickly, altough i don't show any violence towards her i do get angry quickly and she also says that i have been making comments before which wasn't nice and those comments hurt her very much.

now she is aking me to leave our house, i don't understand only the other night we were laughing and chatting and happy and making future plans together and now she is thinking about divorce ! no argument nothing lately !

i am very much in love with her, and i don't want to divorce, seperation and i don't think i can cope without her..

I have apoligised several times again today and asked her not to go and visit solicitors, lawyers...And she said to me that she is not going to see lawyers yet as she can not cope with it but on the other hand she keeps saying that she doesn't want me :(

i have been listening her very carefully, she seems very depressed and currently visiting the womens center for counselling and help every tuesdays for few months and i am very very worried...

i do believe that i have been a loving and caring husband for her and very good father for our children and yes i do accept that in the past i have had problems with dealing with stress and anger

Now i have told my wife not to visit solicitors, lawyers and i will start doing the counselling and stress management and anger management courses as soon as possible.

she gets very angry with me when we talk, i feel very sad, i can't breathe sometimes and keep getting panic attacs

there must be a way...i love her and i do believe that we don't need to divorce

what should i do ? please help

thank you
 

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No, its not all normal stuff.

"and yes i do accept that in the past i have had problems with dealing with stress and anger....and i will start doing the counselling and stress management and anger management courses as soon as possible."

We need more info on this. Yes you say you have not been 'violent'.. but what is going on here.

"i can't breathe sometimes and keep getting panic attacs".

..and she is depressed. Yeah. Therapy to start. Both of you. Now.
 

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Don't leave the house. Go get counseling together. Get her to open up about why she feels the way she does. Ask her if there's something you can do for her that can help her get through this tough time.

Wimping out isn't the answer now, so cut that out. She has to see you strong and capable, not limp like a noodle under pressure.
 

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My feeling in reading your post is that your wife's problem is all about her depression, and nothing to do with you. It sounds like your wife is looking for a reason for feeling so bad, and you are a convenient and safe place to lay the blame. It doesn't sound she is improving from her current counseling, so I would help her find a new person to talk to.

Best of luck to you!
 

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You should definitely get counseling together. Her counselor is only hearing one side of the story, and if your wife is telling her you get angry, she may be advocating leaving without hearing your side of the story.
 

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now she is aking me to leave our house,

i don't think i can cope without her..

what should i do ? please help

thank you
The first thing you need to do is get over this "I can't live without her" stuff. Of course you can live without her. You may not want to but you can. If you need to develop childcare skills along with cooking and cleaning and home management skills, now is the time to do it. Don't ask her why, don't negotiate, don't beg and don't grovel. Next time she asks you to leave, tell her "If you need to get away for a while, do it. But this is my home and I'm not going anywhere." Take a picture of your front door from the inside and silently hold it up when she starts.

When you are confident in your ability to operate on your own, get back to us for help with your next step.
 

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i have been listening her very carefully, she seems very depressed and currently visiting the womens center for counselling and help every tuesdays for few months and i am very very worried...
There's the problem right there! Get counseling together somewhere, and stop her from going back to the Women's Center. The women who run and volunteer at those places are all bitter, jaded abuse survivors who automatically jump on the idea that every woman who walks in the doors has been abused. Within 5 minutes they probably convinced your wife that every time you've ever raised your voice you were an abuser.
 

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Do not leave the house.

This sounds like a Mid Life Crisis. A form of depression. It happens with women as much, if not more than it does with men. 2/3 of all divorces are filed by women and I would suggest facing ones mortality and aging body makes some get the MLC fog.

Seek professional counselling. Tell her your marriage is ill and like any sickness or illness, you would seek professional help. Get the book Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy. Very helpful with all kinds of situations and advise on how to deal with them.

Do not smother her! Give her space and keep your head. Pleading and putting her on a pedastal will only make things worse.
 

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As I know all too well, depression can completely cloud someone's thinking and can lead to emotion-based decisions like the one your wife has made. It sounds to me that your stress/negativity has maybe been feeding into her depression, and vice versa. That is never good.

My suggestion is for you both to get some help for your individual issues first(support each other along the way too of course), and THEN get help(if still needed) for your marriage as a whole. My guess is that if you go to a counselor first, he/she will advise you both to get some help for those individual issues you have anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
"and yes i do accept that in the past i have had problems with dealing with stress and anger....and i will start doing the counselling and stress management and anger management courses as soon as possible."

We need more info on this. Yes you say you have not been 'violent'.. but what is going on here.
i never been violent to her but she says that some comments i made in the past and me getting stressed very quickly over a nothing is also kind of 'abuse'

stop her from going back to the Women's Center. The women who run and volunteer at those places are all bitter, jaded abuse survivors who automatically jump on the idea that every woman who walks in the doors has been abused. Within 5 minutes they probably convinced your wife that every time you've ever raised your voice you were an abuser.
this might be true. last monday she wasn't that bad to me but as soon as she came out from the women's center she wasn't nice to me and she didn't hug me or kiss me which she normally used do all the time when she sees me...she says this is an 6-8 weeks programme but i am litlle bit scared as i don't want this women's center leading her to solicitor's, lawyer's door !







i am not an abuser, really love her and she does admit that i have been showing love and attention all the time everyday but yes i do have a problem with managing stress

She is keep finding some negative things from the past maybe some comments that i made ages ago etc and throwing all that to my face right now.

She is so negative and keep saying that she doesn't want to be with me but only few days ago she was holding my hand and she was telling me how good man i am

i am very confused, stressed and panicing right now as i don't want her to go to solicitors, laywers

i have been on the phone all day to find stress management, dealing with anger, stress etc courses and i can start one tomorrow morning

couple of days ago she told me to prove myself to her and start doing these training programmes but today she is saying that she doesn't care

i am very romantic and fragile person i do find it very very difficult to deal with all this

many thanks for your help and advices

ziggy
 

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i am very romantic and fragile person i do find it very very difficult to deal with all this
And if you keep expressing this you're definitely going to lose her. That's not attractive. Not at all. Fragile?? What woman wants to be with a fragile man? Yuck.
 

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And if you keep expressing this you're definitely going to lose her. That's not attractive. Not at all. Fragile?? What woman wants to be with a fragile man? Yuck.
Here's the thing with that. A woman wants to be intimate. She feels good that you can show her your vulnerable side to her. But it's not attractive to constantly show it. It's probably enough to show it once.

She needs to you take care of the sh*t she needs you to take care of, and she needs you to handle HER sh*t. If she thinks you're weak, she knows you can't.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
hi all

when i asked her please not to go to see solicitors, lawyers yet, she has told me that she is not ready to deal with solicitors yet...is this a good sign ? is that means she is very angry with me but not sure about divorce ???


also i am very worried about this women's center as i don't think this 6 weeks programme is what she needs and what we needs..

is it too late ? she is angry but i feel like everyday i want to talk to her and i want to hear from her that she won't divorce me...

what should i do ??????
 

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she says that some comments i made in the past and me getting stressed very quickly over a nothing is also kind of 'abuse'
Her choice to judge your behavior as 'abuse' is a choice made in selfishness, not in love or understanding. Likewise, asking you to leave or not wanting to live with you indicates a desire to move into aloneness rather than relationship. But enough about her. Let her do what she will. Get your own self together. Make sure you have a plan and the capability to move forward on your own in case she makes good on her intentions.
 
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