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10-06-2012 5:00am

Before anybody gets the idea that i am a morning person, -no i'm not bright-eyed & bushy-tailed at this hour; I HAVEN'T BEEN TO SLEEP YET.
I'm venting alot of pent up anger here so bear with me. I've been trying to stay 'in the middle'- not go overboard and get bitter & hateful, but not be a wimp & self-pitying & turn it inward & repress it- then it hurts my health. I have righteous anger and it needs to be vented to my stupid ex husband but as usual he knows he's wrong, therefore like the complete coward that he is, he's not answering his phone. -he also seems to get some weird pleasure out of knowing he's made me suffer unfairly over something, then purposely not answering his phone for days or weeks (-one of our kids could be in a car wreck- he wouldn't care-) -and knowing that i'm sitting here steaming mad & frustrated, & can't yell at him. He's sick, retarded, & evil.
( -I told ya'll this was gonna be mad.) I HAVE to let this anger out somewhere or it's going to explode my brain.)
...I can't get into the 28-year tragedy of our stupid marriage, if you read my first few posts you can see how it all happened. =Right now as it stands, I filed for divorce on August 23rd, he moved out (I kicked him out rather,)- we had our first Divorce Hearing on August 27th, he sat there and COMPLETELY AGREED to every single question my lawyer asked him; he sat there and COMPLETELY AGREED that HE was COMPLETELY AT FAULT for this whole thing; he sat there while we went over finances, expenses, temporary spousal support, etc., -line by line, adding everything up, figuring out what He would need for his basic expenses, HE AGREED; what I would need for MY basic expenses, HE AGREED; my hawyer looked him straight in the eye and said 'do you completely understand everything that we have done and talked about here?" HE SAID YES. She asked him to look over the papers which were drawn up and then asked him, 'YOU UNDERSTAND AND ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT FAULT AND WILLING AND ABLE TO AGREE TO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE TERMS WHICH ARE LISTED ON THIS DIVORCE PETITION?" HE COMPLETELY AGREED. she then said, 'well if you both are in agreement, Mr. R. you sign here, Mrs. R. you sign here, I will sign it here, I will go bring it before Judge B. and he will sign here, the papers will be filed with the court today, the divorce will be completely finalized as of October 16th.' -and again, YOU GUESSED IT, HE AGREED, SIGNED EACH LINE, WATCHED AS I SIGNED, WATCHED AS THE LAWYER SIGNED, HEARD AS SHE SAID 'I'M GOING NOW TO HAVE THE JUDGE SIGN OFF ON THIS, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.' - she came back, gave us both copies, looked him straight in the eyes and gave him a stern warning to obey every one of the requirements we agreed on listed on the petition, or else face jail time; HE AGREED. she then stood up and said, 'Well, you're divorced now. Have a nice day.'
-well, YOU GUESSED IT, -he 'acted' all pitiful and pathetic and sorry for about a week, sending me constant 'i love you i'm sorry let's not do this' emails, etc., -i knew that wouldn't last very long & it didn't, -then came his 'angry' phase- he called me & said he just 'decided' all of a sudden, he 'changed his mind', -he DOESN'T AGREE, HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, AND HE ABSOLUTELY REFUSES TO DO ANY OF WHAT IS LISTED ON THE PETITION.
yay. i knew that was coming, it didn't even surprise me.
I called my lawyer & she said, 'we can only legally do something to him if he actually DISOBEYS anything signed on the petition, -right now he's just enjoying messing with your mind but he hasn't actually DONE anything yet, -we just have to wait and see what he does.'
yay. -So from then until now, and from until October 16th, I just have to sit here and wait, -some days he'll text or email me, 'i love you, i'll do what it says, i'm sorry,' blah blah, ...other days he'll text me & say 'i can't believe you're doing this!' i can't believe you're making me do this!- i hired my own lawyer and i'm contesting this whole thing!-' blah blah. but nothing has actually happened yet. but knowing him, -WHO KNOWS?!?!?! He COULD decide to let it go like he should, or, he COULD 'change his mind' and decide to hire a lawyer and FIGHT ME so we can drag this FUN thing out in court for 2-3 years, and spend 20-30,000.00 instead of the 3,000.00 she was nicely going to charge us. whatever. i'm so done. i just want to run away.
That's not even why i'm furious right now. Knowing him i knew all that was probably going to happen. he's an idiot but he's a pretty predictable idiot.
The thing I'm furious at right now is..... MYSELF!!! .... Everyone who cares about me has been telling me, 'please, do not have any contact with him whatsoever, text, email, nothing. all it does is end up making you crazy. if he has a money question or you do, do it all through your lawyer.' Yes, I KNOW that. I've been pretty good at DOING that. -BUT DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND A 30-YEAR HABIT OF PICKING UP THE PHONE & DIALING A NUMBER YOU'VE DIALED FOR 30 YEARS,WITHOUT THINKING, LIKE BREATHING, -OR CALLING HIM TO ASK A QUESTION COMPLETELY OUT OF PURE HABIT BECAUSE YOU'VE DONE IT FOR 30 YEARS?? GIVE ME SOME SLACK!! 30 YEARS IS A FREAKING LONG TIME!!!!!
I had a couple of questions and things we needed to work out with the money, plus it was a Saturday & my lawyer wasn't available anyway, -so I had to call him & TRIED to work it out LOGICALLY, CALMLY, etc. ( -you guessed it- didn't work. -Doesn't work with 'CRAZY' people.)
The thing I am most FURIOUS about right now is this BACK AND FORTH THING!!! One day he's acting sort of 'normal' and saying' he'll do what they're asking, he knows it's right, he doesn't blame me', blah, blah, -the very next day he's all furious for some reason and literally telling me 'I'M NOT DOING THAT! I DIDN'T SAY THAT! I DIDN'T AGREE TO THAT!" -And i am not about the money AT ALL. I will be HAPPY if i get a job making minimum wage at McDonalds. I'm serious. The only thing i've had to call him about is this: His job sent him to Saudi Arabia for a month and our cell phone bill for that month (July, the month right before I filed for divorce,) -was $1300.00!!! The account is in MY name, so i immediately called them & asked what to do, they said 'don't worry, fill out a Transfer of Financial Responsibility Form' , it'll solve it', blah blah. so i did that.
-Then the next week, he calls me & says, 'uh, i can't pay the bill, I called the phone co. & they were 'confused' (yea, right) and they didn't do the transfer-' .....SO, now he's sticking me with a $1300.00 phone bill and they are pursuing ME with collecting on it because he put it back in MY name! the only reason i'm having to fight this is because i won't be able to get another cheaper Phone, or maybe even an Apartment, -if i'm owing AT&T $1300.00!!!
anyway, ---.....(god i'm so sick of the stupid, stupid, stupid details, ugh.....this is only the tip of the iceberg of the things he's done to me.) =The only person I'm mad at is myself.
This is what I wrote in my journal tonight:

"God, today was such a GOOD, GOOD, DAY. I am really, happy. Do you know, how incredibly long it has been, since i have been able to say that? -FOREVER!! YEARS, i honestly think. i don't know how long this will last! this may be the only good day i'll have in the next 5 years- i don't know! if there's one thing i Do KNOW now, it's that I DON:T KNOW AT ALL what each day holds for me! it could go up or down or more up or more horribly down, -it's up to you God!
But I DO that I AM going to be HAPPY that this was such a GOOD day!! it's been SOOOO long since i've been able to say that! it really does feel wonderful! I have been praying day after day, lord please help me out of this pit of despair, please let me have just a little bit of 'normalcy' or even 'happiness', -thank you God so much for answering that prayer. for today. and honestly, alot of days in these past months.
Today did start out bad, because early in the morning me and (ex) were having a 'text fight' and he was making me all mad and upset, ( -i know i'm not supposed to be having any contact with him, it's just hard to break a 30-year habit, it's going to take time, i know.) but as the day went on i felt much better."
(-This next sentence says EXACTLY why I am FURIOUS right now:) "I don't know why, i guess it's just pure habit, -but i still find myself trying, for some reason, to see if he's telling the truth about something, to see any little signs of change, and it never, ever has happened. then i kick myself for being so stupid for still looking for this after 28 years!! you think i'd know better by now. but i'm not going to kick myself, any 30-year habit is going to take time to change. --It doesn't make it hurt any less though!!! --- When i find out he's lied about something new, however small, -it just lets me down all over again. and makes me furious all over again!!!!"
"I NEED to get off this rollercoaster with him- it's way too exhausting and bad for me. Please God, -don't let him contest the divorce, -just let it be finalized and let us work out the money issues, and help me get a job asap, -and let us just go our separate ways. please. i'm so sick of thinking about what he did in the past, the pain coming up again, finding out that he has not changed one bit, is still lying about any and every little thing, ...-i just want a clean break. This 'slowly-ripping-off-the-bandaid' thing isn't working. please let it be over and done as soon as possible."

But sometimes i STILL NEED to let my anger out at him, ( -By the way, I STILL DO BUBBLE UP WITH RAGE, FURY, ANGER, & EXTREME HURT, about twice a month, ...because the Phone Bills, Bank Statements, etc.-are still mailed to ME...and it SHOWS RIGHT THERE ON THE BILLS THAT HE IS STILL CALLING 'HER', TEXTING 'HER', MAKING PLANS TO GO BE WITH 'HER', -I KNOW! I KNOW! IT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME, I'M NOT AN IDIOT! THAT'S THE EXACT REASON I FINALLY FILED!! -BUT HERE'S THE THING: WHEN IT COMES UP AND STABS YOU IN THE HEART ALL OVER AGAIN, ..... IT STILL DOESN'T HURT ANY LESS!!!!!
...I need to cry, I need to scream at him, because keeping it all inside is so bad for my health,... -but i can't do that during the day and at night i am just too exhausted, i just let it go. please God, help me not to repress emotions that need to go towards him, but help me not to get stuck in bitterness or self-pity or whatever.
It's like i am just realizing for the first time in 28 years that not everybody's life is like mine. That it IS really possible to live a sane life, with a sane person, who actually has half a brain and half a heart, -not everybody drives home from work weeping and dreading nights and weekends because their husband is going to be home and it's going to be horrible; it's weird to finally realize that is not the 'norm'.
Please God, show me what to do with him, not for his sake but for MY sake! Because i don't even know! -- Do I get over it? -let it go? -grieve it? -get my anger out somehow? -i don't even know! Just show me what to do and help me to do it."

-Sorry so long. I'm exhausted. Please someone, just tell me i'm right, i'm not crazy, this is normal, it WILL get better, it WILL end in time, tell me you've been through it & survived with your sanity, -thank you thank you. thank you. -CR
*PLEASE do not hesitate to email me: [email protected]
that would be AWESOME, THANK YOU.
 

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Re: I cant believe im letting him do this again- is this normal & when will it stop??

Sorry, did my best, but only got as far as the first paragraph of your journal entry then HAD TO QUIT...waaaay too long.

I understand you're venting. Your STBXH is P*SSED at you for disaccommodating his formerly-comfy life.

He wants YOU to be as uncomfortable as he is.
He wants YOU to be as upset as he is.
He wants YOU to be as miserable as he is.
...and you're BUYING into it. You're reacting JUST THE WAY HE WANTS.

Don't even BOTHER with the excuses, cuz YOU ARE.

1. Buy a cheap, disposable phone.
2. Give THAT number to EVERYONE who
a. isn't your husband
b. is GUARANTEED NOT to give it to your husband
c. SERIOUSLY NEEDS to talk to you between now and Oct 16th.
3. Use ONLY your NEW phone.
4. Put OLD phone in a box in the garage/basement until AFTER the
divorce is final.
5. You will no longer send/receive messages/calls from angry STBXH
6. Dump the $1300.00 bill problem ON YOUR LAWYER (for a couple
of bucks more, it's worth it)
7. You will NOT be MINDLESSLY dialing your STBXH with your new
phone BECAUSE it will (hopefully) be a different model that will
actually require a bit of thought before dialing. Thus, you will
catch yourself BEFORE you accidentally dial STBXH.

Remind yourself (hourly, if necessary) that you will SOON be on your way to a happier d0uchebag-free life! And just CONCENTRATE on THAT.
 

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Re: I cant believe im letting him do this again- is this normal & when will it stop??

Please take care of yourself.I am going thruougha similar situation just that I have been together for 11 years that it.
Everything will get fine.
You have to take one thing at a time;
First thing foremost ,you are the most important person in this world;then come the other people;
You ahve to take care in terms od small ,small things;
See you cannot chnage other's actions but you can surely take charge of yoru actions and not overwhelm yourself ,the way you are now;

See each time you are loosing control or feel in despair; try this little prayer:"I am a powerful being;I am a peaceful being;And I control my destiny";And you shall find peace;
And the serenity prayer is very good too: "God grant me the serenity o accept the things I cannot chnage,thecourage to chnage the things I can;and the wisdom to know the difference;
Take care.
God bless you!!!!
 

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Re: I cant believe im letting him do this again- is this normal & when will it stop??

why is the phone bill still being mailed to you? and if its because the phone is in your name shut the phone off. I have been dealing with unstable exh for a while now, you know what works? letting them deal with the consequences of their actions and you setting the boundaries. do not engage him, and if you have to deal with him remain calm, firm, and dispassionate.

it does get better, but it takes time and if you are really dealing with someone so unstable (like i am) the actual divorce will not change anything. You need to detach yourself from him as much as you can and start focusing only on you. I know its hard to sever ties after being with someone for so long but its really the best thing you can do for yourself.... good luck
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