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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey Guys,

I've been reading this forum for 2 months now. Reading about infidelity is all I do. Looking for happy stories to give me some kind of hope on a future with my wife.

Here's my story (cut short)...

I met my wife 10 years ago. We were married 9 years ago. We have 3 wonderful children aged 5 and twins who are 2 (all boys). It was love at first sight. From the day I met her, I never fell out of love with her for a second. We have been through a lot together over the years, and I felt we were as close as a couple could be.

Over the past 8 months, things started to change. She became extraordinarily obsessed with her appearance. She's a stunningly beautiful woman (just turned 33), and is very fit and healthy. Her obsession with gym was becoming a problem because she was spending a great deal of time there. She's always found it hard to make friends, but she had made some really great friends there so that was a good thing. But it took over to the point she wouldn't miss gym for ANYTHING.

I noticed she'd become quite fond of the owner of the gym, and her husband. She was actually getting a little competitive with the owner and compared herself with her a lot. I thought nothing of it really. But then I started to notice she was spending lots of time with the husband. We talked about it, and I was starting to feel like something was going on. Lots of phone calls and messages etc... then she put the lock on the phone, and it was always on silent.

Cutting a long story short.. in December, I discovered she'd been having an EA with him, for at least 4 months, which turned into a PA. I was shocked and my whole world (as most of you know how this feels) completely came to a stand-still. My initial reaction was anger, and I asked her to stop seeing him at once. She didn't want to. I think that hurt me more than the affair itself. She said she was confused and didn't know what or who she wanted anymore.

I've spent the past 2 months dissecting our relationship. I know I've been busy with work, and the kids have been a handful. But she hasn't had to work and I've given her a great lifestyle where she doesn't have to worry about money, and hasn't had to work. Although she's is very smart, and I think just simply got bored, and I do know she loves attention.

She won't go to MC with me, and spends every spare waking moment with him. I moved out in January, and I come home 3 days a week to look after the kids. She disappears for those days and is with him. And when she's with the kids, she gets in babysitters most nights and they go out for dinners or whatever. She even has the kids in full-time day care now.

The sad part for her is, she lost ALL of her friends - as they were all also friends with his wife. So really, she has him and her mother (who is supporting her decisions) to talk to. I've been trying to wait things out, and started a 180. She gives me hope sometimes and we spend hours talking where she seems like she misses me and our life but she says her feelings for him are very strong also. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.

I've told her I'd forgive her, and work on us with an MC and never hold this against her. I just get the feeling she strings me along so I keep supporting her financially - she spends a LOT of money on herself. I discovered that she has gone on a trip with him this week, after she promised it was with a girlfriend. It made me sick. I paid for the entire thing. that's where I got mad. Finally I hit anger. So I've cut her off completely - except for paying all of the house, car, bills, food etc etc. But not a single cent for her to go on spending sprees. This made her very angry.

She never used to be like this. It's like she's a completely different person. I know all about affair fog etc etc.. she's been so cruel, but I still love her - I just can't stop.

Do they (women) ever come back? Or is it always when it's too late and you move on? I wake up some days thinking today is the beginning of my new life. But I know deep down, I'm just kidding myself and I really want to reconcile. She says no right now. But is that just the fog speaking?

Sorry for the ramble. I miss her. I miss my family. I miss my life.
 

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You can't control her coming back or not.

If she won't go to marriage counselling, and won't spend time with you, it's kind of hard to fix things. She's not being truthful. You've already moved out.

Who is paying for the kids to be in care and so on? I'd definitely stop funding ANY of her infidelity. It might make her wake up.

But if she did come back, how would you ever trust her? If you want to reconcile, at some stage you have to answer that question.
 

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You seem like a very patient guy who's willing to wait and do whatever it takes.

Her affair with this new guy will eventually run its course. Sooner if you force her into reality, get her to move in with this guy.

She has that very intense "in love" feeling with this guy. That feeling lasts 2-3 years, tops. After that, she likely will stay with him for another few years until she comes to the realization that she is not in love with him anymore. At that point, she may reminisce about you and all the good times you had and contact you, and cheat on him with you. So, on your present course of being patient, waiting, pining, and hoping, you may have her back in 6-7 years, IF she doesn't find some other guy to fall in love with when she's done with this one.

What may work sooner, is if you stop being so available to reconcile. In her mind, she might as well pursue this affair, because you are not going anywhere anyway. She knows when she's done with her affair, you will be there. So why should she end it while she's still having so much fun? Plus, if she reconciled with you, this other guy probably wouldn't be so understanding as you are and he would just move on and forget about her, not tell her he was willing to wait it out like you. So, putting you on hold really is the smart play for her at this point.

What are your thoughts on being available to reconcile? Do you think it shows her how much you love her and she will come to her senses?

What are your thoughts on telling her that she has one day to come back and work on your marriage, or you will file for divorce and go through with it and, if she wants to reconcile, she can try to win you back after the divorce?

Have you thought about taking a harder line against the affair? The soft approach doesn't seem to have worked very well.

Also, have you considered that her actions are completely beyond your control and that no matter what you did before or do now, that she still might have left you?

My opinion is that you should forgive yourself for whatever you did or didn't do in the past, learn from your mistakes, and begin to move on without her. File for divorce, detach from her, move on with your life. Don't expect her to come back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks guys.

I deeply would like to reconcile with her yes. But I have started to think about how I'd feel moving on and finding someone who would love me and never do this to me.

I guess I've been soft because I know her, and I know that being hard on her would actually push her away more. She's a little more complicated than any woman I've known before. Very poor self esteem from things that happened to her when she was young.

I do love her, and I would be able to forgive her. But maybe you're right. Maybe she really has just turned the switch off on us and will never look back.

When I have spoken to her about her affair she does spend a lot of time putting him down to me. Complaining about him and his personality and compares him to me a lot. This confuses the hell out of me.

I do know her actions are 100% beyond my control. I can only control what I do. I want to move on, but I don't. I don't want to meet someone and then her come back... I know I'd want to reconcile which would then mean I'd be breaking someone else's heart.

Does it happen? Do they ever really come back? Or am I dreaming about something that just isn't going to happen?
 

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Thanks guys.

I deeply would like to reconcile with her yes. But I have started to think about how I'd feel moving on and finding someone who would love me and never do this to me.

I guess I've been soft because I know her, and I know that being hard on her would actually push her away more. She's a little more complicated than any woman I've known before. Very poor self esteem from things that happened to her when she was young.

I do love her, and I would be able to forgive her. But maybe you're right. Maybe she really has just turned the switch off on us and will never look back.

When I have spoken to her about her affair she does spend a lot of time putting him down to me. Complaining about him and his personality and compares him to me a lot. This confuses the hell out of me.

I do know her actions are 100% beyond my control. I can only control what I do. I want to move on, but I don't. I don't want to meet someone and then her come back... I know I'd want to reconcile which would then mean I'd be breaking someone else's heart.

Does it happen? Do they ever really come back? Or am I dreaming about something that just isn't going to happen?
I've never dealt with infidelity on either end of my relationships but reading stories like this one literally makes me rage inside.

First this is not your fault but your weak reaction to it must have undoubtedly made her lose some respect for you. It also allowed her to continue affair without worrying about actually losing you.

Now she talks to you about him as if you were her girlfriend... shes probably putting him down out of pity for you so you dont feel so bad. FRICK MAN. This is YOUR wife.. your WIFE. YOUR WIFE. GET MAD! GET STRONG. UNFORGIVING! put her in her god damn place. and him too!

If it were me I would have broken his legs already.. but.. please dont do that.. it would be a mistake. lol but it should be what you really really want to do.

You have to wake her up from the fog by divorcing her, telling her you will not accept her treatment of you and you wont be her friend either. She is no friend to you. Tell her that. AT least you get self-respect back for sticking up for yourself.. trust me there is nothing you will want more than that if she ultimately doesn't come back to you (heck even if she does).

Give her access to as little money as possible... see if you can reduce that number some more..

Oh and again file for divorce immediately with infidelity as the stated reason.

you have to start making some noise, some moves.. start rattling the cage. Maybe that will help get her out of the fog.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks Happy Hubby. I have actually turned a corner since this little get-away of hers with him. The days leading up to her leaving, she was starting to talk about making a big mistake, and being so sorry, and telling me how wonderful I am etc etc... and assured me she was seeing a girlfriend. The minute I found out about her lying to me about going away with him, I really switched from being so confused and sad - to anguish.

I've emptied the accounts as far as I can, which she reacted to not so well. Also, I've ignored all of her texts and phone calls (unless they are about the kids). Tonight she just texted me telling how sorry she is for everything and how she's such a bad person and I don't deserve it. I'm ignoring this stuff completely. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I know she's mentally in a bad place ATM. I did vow "sickness and health". I feel like this is all a sickness. I don't know. It's just going on and on and the deceit has been as bad as I could ever have imagined possible from her.
 

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Are you considering exposing OM to his wife (ie. gym owner)?
Are you considering exposing your wife to both your and her families?

This is too early to decide on R with her.
Take time........

By the way, how did you confirm the EA/PA, how did you confront her? What was her initial reaction?
 

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My situation was different, but i know the feeling of being cheated on. Its the worst feeling i've ever had. Shes still not into the marriage as much as before and I cant say for sure if she is in contact with another guy. If she is, its thru her phone. My wife wrote me a letter in early december, stating things I already heard her say and that she doesnt want to seperate but doesnt want to keep hurting me and she'll never forgive herself for what she has put me thru. The end of the lettter said "my fear is if this goes all to hell, you'll end up hating me" So I said youre damn right i'll resent the hell out of you. You will have destroyed my marriage, family and everything i've worked for my entire life up to this point. I told her if she wants to leave, then leave. I think its a mistake and I dont want her to but i will not stand in the way of her leaving. SInce then, she has changed for the better. Not as affectionate as i want, but shes in a much better mood and we do have sex a couple times a week which shes into again and we kiss all the time. So put ur foot down and lay down the law. Mine isnt in a fog anymore and if u give her a dose of reality and tell her u will not be a part of this anymore, maybe it will wake her up.
 

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The "sickness" she has is choosing to F#%k another man behind your back and using your money and enabling behavior to stay "healthy" for her OM.

Realize this, She is no longer the women you thought she was earlier in the marriage. She is capable of lying to you about everything. Her ACTIONS(not words) have been telling you that she doesn't RESPECT YOU, THE CHILDREN AND THE MARRIAGE.

You cant stand aside and "nice" her way back into being faithful to you. You stood around to long and enabled her to feel entitled for her actions because you didn't have strong boundaries in your Marriage.

You must be willing to play hardball and file for divorce to show her the consequences her actions. If this doesn't snap her out of her decision then you know she is beyond reconciliation. You have to protect yourself and the children first.
 

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Look at the other threads. There's not a lot of success here. Most of the posters come here too late after the situation has gone too far. Look at CarlF's thread. His wife is begging for another chance, only AFTER she was served.

File for divorce. She won't come back to you until you do. She may not even then. There is no guarantee either way, but if it's going to end, at least end it with some dignity and self respect.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
They have been fully exposed to everyone. They don't seem to care which is quite sad.

I'd file for divorce, but I can't here in Australia. You have to be separated for 12 months before you can do that. Is there anything else apart from what I'm doing (little contact, restricting finances) to help clear her head?
 

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Look at the other threads. There's not a lot of success here. Most of the posters come here too late after the situation has gone too far. Look at CarlF's thread. His wife is begging for another chance, only AFTER she was served.

File for divorce. She won't come back to you until you do. She may not even then. There is no guarantee either way, but if it's going to end, at least end it with some dignity and self respect.
I've seen several reconciliations in my time on TAM, and I have successfully reconciled myself, so I am less pessimistic than you, Will. But this one will not do that unless she has a change of heart. And rebuilding is a long, slow road with no guarantees.

OP, yes the vow included sickness and health, but also "forsaking all others". She has broken the vow so I think you are free to decide whether or not to stay.
 

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Keep up with talking to her only about the kids and the future divorce settlement. Make it clear that you are done with her and moving on. That would be the equivalent of filing for divorce.

Do not enable her affair in any way. If you are going to pay bills, YOU pay them. Talk to a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities in this situation. I wouldn't even want to give her money for food, I'd rather just place an order, have them deliver it, and you pay for it. Keep cash out of her hands so she has no discretionary money to spend on her phone, her internet access, or any other thing she uses to conduct her affair. If she is a stay-at-home mom, let her do her job. Stop paying for day care so she can dump her kids and see the other man. Stop paying for her gym membership. If you've paid in advance, cancel it and request a refund. If the gym is certified or licensed in any way, complain about it to the licensing authority.

You mention that she went on a trip with other man and she paid her own way? He didn't even pay for her? You also mentioned that other man is the husband of the owner of the gym where your wife met him. What does he do for a living? Is he co-owner? Why didn't he pay for your wife on this trip?

This stuff (detaching and moving on) only works if you are believable. And there is no guarantee. But if she thinks you will back out if she gives the word, then it will not work. If in the past when she said "jump" you said "how high," then she's going to think the same will happen in the future.

Tell her you are done, moving on, and plan to start looking around for her replacement. Buy some new clothes for yourself, get in a little better shape, go out on a few casual dates.

Make her life as uncomfortable as possible and let her start to worry about what you are doing.

The ultimate goal is for you to feel better about yourself and better about moving on. It just happens that the thought of the loyal spouse really moving on makes the cheaters really fear losing something they thought they would never lose. If you really start to do this, you can expect her to be upset with you for it. She honestly expects you to sit and wait for her forever, or until she files for divorce from you, whichever comes first.
 

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Do not take her back. At this point you will forever be Plan B.

Do you think of yourself as someone's back up plan?

If not move on and don't repeat these mistakes with the next one.
 

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They have been fully exposed to everyone. They don't seem to care which is quite sad.

I'd file for divorce, but I can't here in Australia. You have to be separated for 12 months before you can do that. Is there anything else apart from what I'm doing (little contact, restricting finances) to help clear her head?
Have you filed for separation then? Also, is there a reason you moved out? She wants to be single, she moves out. I also think you can tighten finances further.

Besides from that, detach yourself completely from her, you may Google "How to detach yourself emotionally".

Sending you strength.
 

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RH, you mentioned that you got angry.

My advice: Stay MAD!

Use your anger as fuel for the upcoming, unpleasant actions/decisions you will have you make. Your WW is disrespecting you in the worst way possible. Show everyone, and yourself, that you still have some self-respect and dignity! Show your wife that her behavior is not acceptable, and that it's time for her to make a hard choice: You or OM. No more fence-sitting!

First. Start packing up her stuff. Garbage bags work well for this. Old cardboard boxes, too. Drop her stuff off at OM's house.

Second, start the separation process. You get full custody of the kids. She has essentially abandoned them by putting them in day care and hiring baby sitters, all so she can feed her addiction to POSOM.

Thirds: Hard 180. No Contact unless she needs to discuss the separation process. In fact, direct her to call your attorney. The 180 is for you to detach, not to win her back.

Your wife is a big-time cake eater. Time to take away her cake. Show her what life will be like without you and her family.

The Unified Theory of Cake

If you haven't already, expose the affair to your families/friends.

You think that by taking a hard-line approach you will push your WW further away. That is unlikely. She is not unique, as much as you might think otherwise. I don't care if she had issues with her upbringing. She is behaving like every other typical cheater: Entitled, cake eating, selfish, addicted. Her behavior can be influenced if you follow the advice given here.

Your wife is chemically addicted to OM. In order to break the addiction, you have to take extreme measures.

You have to be willing to walk away. The one who can do that controls the relationship. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

For what it's worth, my WW didn't come out of her fog until I filed, moved out, and cut off her finances. Now she wants to reconcile. Gee whiz....the advice on this forum was spot-on! Unfortunately, it took my wife's 3rd affair before I found this place.
 

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Move back in tell her to get out. Do the 180. Here is a link, it can't be posted.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Get the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER or download it now. It is not a sex manual as the title implies but a realtionship guide for men. You will see how she became attracted to someone else.

CUT OFF ALL HER MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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By the way, ask your lawyer if you have any legal recourse against the gym. Make this as difficult as possible for them both. Does he still work at the gym? Put up your own little picket line with your kids.
 

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Cripes. Didn't realize you had moved out. Go back! Then kick her out. Hopefully they haven't been fvcking in your house!

Also, stop trying to dissect your relationship. Her cheating is not as complicated as you think. It's not your fault. You sound like a problem-solver. Your problem is that you married a cheater. It's not your job to figure out why she is a cheater. Don't waste your mental energy on that crap. I spent months doing that. It's a colossal waste of time and mental energy...mental energy that should be spent on moving on.
 
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