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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone I am new to forums in general so I will try to be quick and to the point. A little background to my dilemma, My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years now and we have been friends for almost ten. Back in high school we dated for about 2 weeks but it was too awkward and we just stayed friends, as a friend I knew she was prone to bad decisions while drinking but that will come into play later. About a year after I graduated I started getting a very big crush on her and decided to remove myself from the situation by joining the armed forces. Right as I was about to leave of basic training she admitted that she too has had a crush on me for awhile, against all I wanted to say I told her we would be better off not dating. Off i went to basic and we maintained constant communication through letters, one of these letters halfway through basic she asked me out and thus started our relationship. Not long after that rumors started flying around my family that she had slept with another man while I was away, this took me off guard, I knew that while I was away she had kissed another man (she admitted to it over the phone to me) and we worked through that but nothing like sleeping with another man. long story short there was never any proof other than hearsay and I was not about to let that get in the way of what had become the love of my life.
Fast foward ten months (Fall 2006) and we are engaged about to get married, She was a far cry from the girl I knew in high school and It was a dream come true. We were married for roughly a year and a half (summer 2008) and things were going great. Then out of no where all my friends ( I really do mean ALL) my friends (including hers as well) started telling me she had made out with a guy at a birthday party while I was out of town. She denied it up and down and swore that while she was being flirty she never kissed him. We went to our pastor for advice and because I was having trouble beleiving her story, all the while the story my friends were telling me was changing. He sat me down and told me that if there was no proof it was my responsibility as her husband to stand up for her and trust her. So I did just that and to this day I have no contact with any old friends of mine. for the next six months our marrige was on the rocks, I admit I was overcontrolling and borderline obcessed to make sure this never happened again. To be blunt I was a jackass which led to her living with her dad for 2 weeks, I was so releived when she came home her leaving had made me realized I really love her and cannot stand to think about losing her. since the start of this year I have been trying to put the past behind me even though I still have many unanswered questions and her behavior has changed. She constantly texts people on her phone and I have caught her sending rather lude messages to our friends. I know she thinks its all fun and games but I have told her more than once how much it hurts me.
For the last month and a half everything has been going great, I have gotten a new sense of trust in her and our sex life has been completly restored.
Then last night I go meet her with her friends and she takes me aside and tells me that one of her coworkers is spreading a rumor that he slept with her. She was upset but wasnt taking it near as hard as I was. I text this guy to figure out what his problem was and he told me my wife had come on to him and told him we were seperated and slept with him. I know she had been texting this guy alot recently but I thought nothing of it. She again swears that hes lying and she has never even been to his house, she was on the phone texting all night and when I asked her to see what she was sending she freaked out and started crying becuse I dont trust her enough. I dont know who this guy is and I want to beleive my wife cause apart from lying about going to work she has been by my side for the last month and a half. Our friends are angry at this guy and plotting to beat him senseless and I feel like a fool cause I dont know If I can trust her. Is my mind telling me things or do I have a legitimate reason to be suspicious? I know there is again no proof but heresay but I dont know how many times this can happen and just write it off. Please help
 

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Legit...there's an affair. My wife did the same thing when I wanted to check on her phone. It's a ploy to distract from what you want. Trust your gut because I can pretty much guarantee you it's right. More people here can get much more in depth with the signs she's cheating and what you should do, but I've learned enough on here to see way too many red alerts in your story. My deepest sympathies if this is the case, and remember to share and take what many of the people on here say to heart. They truely know what they're talking about.
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Your wife is cheating on you and you got bad advice from your pastor.

Use your head. EVERY friend you have warns you about her. Your wife's solution to that? Ditch your friends.

In addition to that, she continues to act badly.

She is putting your health at risk with her affairs.

You have no children. If I were you I'd cut my losses and leave her.
 

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Gotta agree with Chris there. First time may have easily been rumors - even if there was some basis (wife was flirty...etc.,) but this time is a lot different. Refusing to let you see texts is a HUGE, red, flashing sign, complete with sirens, bells, whistles, fireworks and a marching band.

There are some solid steps you can take to fix whatever is occurring in your marriage - you've come to a good place, as long as you are willing to do a little work...
 

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Sorry you are going though this. It is bad enough when you suspect an affair, but to hear all of the rumors makes the situation even more difficult. As the old saying goes, "the spouse is always the last to know". I kind of learned that the hard way. I live in a small town, so I've really suffered because of the rumor mills. These rumors do get distorted over time, but there is usually a grain of truth to be found in them. Compare the rumors from several sources; you'll see that they have details in common. Perhaps even track them to the source. I finally had to do that a few times--that can be very enlightening.

I agree with everyone else, she is probably having an affair. There are plenty of red flags. i hope you can get some concrete evidence. Otherwise she is going to use the standard smoke screens and make you question your sanity. That's something cheaters are oh so good at!

Hang in there!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you all for your support. I agree somthing is going on and the hardest part is the lack of honesty. I find it hard to do anything because I have no concrete proof and I am praying that It turns up. I am a christian man and I beleive that my pastor did give sound advise, as it says in the bible I am to love my wife as I do the lord himself and I would never cast the lord away in this situation without proof. That neing said I also am not a complete idiot and I plan to distance myself from her to try and get to the truth. I love my wife with all of my heart but I still know that if she has been lying she doesnt deserve a man like me. thanks to you all
 

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I am a christian man and I beleive that my pastor did give sound advise, as it says in the bible I am to love my wife as I do the lord himself and I would never cast the lord away in this situation without proof. That neing said I also am not a complete idiot and I plan to distance myself from her to try and get to the truth. I love my wife with all of my heart but I still know that if she has been lying she doesnt deserve a man like me.
I think your pastor gave you sound advice as well.

I would like to challenge you NOT to distance yourself from your wife. In my experience, that is nearly always the wrong thing to do when you first discover an affair. There are deliberate steps you can - but putting distance between you two is more likely than not going to provide fuel to strengthen the feeling in your wife that the affair is the 'right' choice.

Seven Steps to take to work on recovering your marriage.

If you are a Christian man, as you write above, then you already know the right way to address any wrong done to you (Matthew 18:15-17.) This does not include any distancing until you've exhausted the other steps.

Again, another challenge: you write that 'if she has been lying she doesn't deserve a man like me...' Have you ever lied to your wife? Does this mean you don't deserve a woman like her? Instead of making this a comparison of moral behavior (remember the speck in someone else's eye, the log in your own?) and who is better than who, make it about your marriage, and if you truly want to take the steps to recover it. If you do find that there is an affair, you have the option of divorce. If that is your choice, no one would debate with you. On the other hand, you also have the option of acting like Christ who really could point out that the church doesn't deserve him.

How do affairs start?
 
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