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Discussion Starter #1
My partner betrayed me with a young lady in our street.
Do not want to bother you with all the details, just that I warned him for about 2 years not to trust her, but of course all in vain. I knew it the moment he started something up with her, and asked for weeks to sepeak up, which he finally did after 2 months. Do not have to tell how I felt. I was saying goodbye to him over these weeks, not willing to let this all go (12 years and 2 kids) in full anger, and wanted to pick some good memories along.
His reason for going -> he lost his faith in our relation and in me, as he could not believe that someone could really love him. So he imagined that I had an affair (I travel for work) and got lost in that cycle, and started cutting himself lose from me (started about 3-4 years ago)
I was in big mess for months, but the evening he told me the story, I decided to continue with him, or at least to try for more then 100%.
The more he told me, the more I realised how she used him and our children during years to get him.
Now, 6 months later, she still plays her games, being very subtile, but still ongoing. Every so many weeks she follows him and tries to start up a converstation. He now pushes her firmly away. Every time she sees me she smiles into my face showing me she had him and won the game.
And more over, I can sense when she is at home and can feel her anger, pain and love for him and cannot seem to get myself lose from this.
I cannot move out, as I had just before this affaire started got 2 new loans to renovate the house, and these works are still ongoing.
She, live 5 houses away from us, and we live in a dead end street, so I see her nearly daily and see her 'rented house' when I walk out the door. She is single, 15 years younger and has 2 sons, who do not even know who their dad is.
We are not the first couple that has suffered from this, she is know for breaking up couples.
Has anyone any experience how I could protect myself mentally against her?
 

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****, you want to be protecting yourself physically aswell, she's a boiler...
Sounds like you and your husband stand a good chance of making it, but not while she's there, get a restraining order, film her harassing, be cruel, piss her off....she'll go overboard and you'll get a restraining order.
When dealing with her, go postal, pull your inner ***** out.

She'll be out your life in no time.
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Discussion Starter #3
Been hurt,
thank you for your reply. We have thinking about this, but there is no way to do it. She is smart enough to very subtile, cannot firm and never know when to expect anything.
Night that partner told story, I went to her door, asking her to stop and leave my children and partner alone. As partner told me that she was threatening him and he was afraid to break up with her not knowing what she will do. She attacked me, and I pushed her away and left.
She then called my partner and said, if you do not come to me I will file charges to her for attacking me. My partner did not react, and 1 month later I was called to the police station. One week after that day, she filled an attack to her by me. So I am now awaiting the date for process, and it is her word to mine, as my partner did remove all emails, voice mails in anger, so we have no prove. And if I would now do something, press her or try to get a reaction, she can add all to the process, so I am really stuck
And yes I am afraid of her, as I have no idea what to come next, and afraid for my kids who play in the street.
 

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Did your husband delete the emails after the "attack"??

I'll assume not, but just accept the process, go through relaxed and calm, apologise that your wasting everyone's time, this woman is crazy, let them see the difference between the 2 of you.. But when your back on the streets, go instinctual, feral. Show who's man he is, she may of had him....but he's yours right now.
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Hi Leuven,
It seems to me that you let him go so easily. It's not about revenge, but be careful that this reconciliation doesn't come from denial. You risk snapping out of it one day, and discover boiling rage and anger towards him.
Also, circumstances can be turned in to reasons. There's nothing from your past that can possibly justify him going behind your back and hiding it from you for all this time.

He effed up, and then decided to look for a pretext to lower the guilt (probably even, depending on your partner's personnality, shift it on you) he's feeling.

I always want to simplify things but dealing with being cheated on is just too complicated.

If you really feel like staying with him is the best idea, I suggest marriage counseling and individual therapy for him to understand why he doesn't consider himself worthy to be loved.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I did indeed not get out of line, I was angry and are still some days, but then anger towards the whole situation. Even now when my partner gets angry towards her, I confront him, telling him, he has no right to be angry towards her, he gae her these rights, he took them back.
I had a bad childhood, grew up very fast. 2 years ago one of our kids had a stupid fell with her bike, ended up in a nightmare, she died three times in my arms, but did survive. Exact one year later my eldest did a suicide attempt being mentally and fysically abused by her boyfriend, and then 3 months later I felt my partner had an affair and fought 2-3 months to let him speak up. which he fainlly did, it took me indeed all this time to let him see what was happened and what it caused to me. Cause after these three events I cracked, I really cracked and cried more then I ever did in my whole life. I lost myself, but am slowly recovering and finding myself back, believing in who I am and what I am. But I indeed still have flashbacks, and having her around does not help. And my partner is full of gireve and realises now what could have happened and what he did. Yes it hurts, and he hurt me badly, but he is human and allowed to make mistakes. I have learned my lessons as well, and know that I need to give up some of my dreams. But think this is growning ........
Only fear I have is that maybe he cannot deal with the shame and pain..... time will show.
And one thing I did learn, we fight together now, but he has to do his own fight. I can help and will be there to support, but he needs to do it.
 

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I am very sorry you are here. I am very sorry your husband chose to have an affair and I am very sorry that the drama is ongoing.

The thing I see here is that you are doing what we all do. You are blaming her for the affair. She pursued him. She was to fault.
No.

Your husband chose to bang her. He willingly and enthusiastically deceived you and your children to do this. he then blamed you because you were not there and probably having an affair. This is called blame shifting and is part of the affair mentality.

Okay. I will put my 2 x 4 away :p

She thrives on the drama so you must remove any drama. Your husband must not respond with pain, not respond at all really.
Every time you respond at all she will know that she still has him
Smile at her next time. See what happens. 10-1 she will get really annoyed. Smile ad move on. Same goes for your husband. DO NOT ENGAGE.

As soon as you can. Move.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Do not blaim her for this. That is frustating me from time to time but I do know that she only took what he gave her. She is single thus allowed to try and hell she did.
But I am angry with her for using my kids and her own kids in this game for her. I am angry that she played with the feelings (at that moment real, good, honest feelings from my partner towards her) of my kids and partner just for her own feeling good and victory.
So I know my partner is the one here that gone wrong, and it kills him now that he realises it
He indeed hides or escapes by being angry with her now, but he will need to deal with this, look into him self and accept what he did.
Can only hope he will be able to.
I know I have pain, but will cope, not sure if he will
 

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She thrives on the drama so you must remove any drama. Your husband must not respond with pain, not respond at all really.
Every time you respond at all she will know that she still has him
Smile at her next time. See what happens. 10-1 she will get really annoyed. Smile ad move on. Same goes for your husband. DO NOT ENGAGE.
This is very true. You and your husband should ignore her completely, put up a good front that both of you are happy again. (Smile, hold hands, laugh....) If she says something to stir you up avoid it like you don't hear it. If you don't respond she might leave you alone and move on to someone else.
If she feels like she is losing control then she might escalate her advances toward your husband. Then have a voice recorder ready to tape any conversations if she approaches, Change phone numbers, Make a journal of any actions she does towards your family.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I am keeping a log/journal, the police told me to do so.

And yes, I try this all. I never show her how she can still get to me, but inside I tremble and burst.

Smiling towards her, I succeeded once to look towards her when I noticed she was coming, and indeed she did not know how to react and did not even dare to look up, and I heard her slam the door of her car as if it would fell of.
But I do not feel strong enough to do this all the time, yet,
 

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Leuven, the pain you are experiencing is palpable in your writing. I am so sorry for both of you. I would suggest that both you and your spouse look into counseling to help you through this nightmare. One thing to keep in mind is that this woman has great pain of her own and very low self esteem, which is why she pursues others' partners as conquests. She is truly pitiful, although despicable. She reminds me of the character Gollum in Lord of the Rings. If you get the opportunity, tell her that you know that she acts out of great pain, and that you are sorry for her that she hurts so much. This will establish for you the moral high ground, and may cause her to avoid you.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
River Rat,
what you write is correct, she is in pain, but she is intelligent (Quote High Intel) enough to know that she causes it herself. And instead of acting different, it is now excuse for the way she behaves. I have also had my deal already in live, but do not act like that. Using your own children and others to get to your goal and to get even with the world, is sick behavior. And this is for me the scaring part, not knowing what will be next, or if she will explode or not. She is also a drug adict, and keeps on seeing other men, and keeps on destroying other relationships.
I am not telling her anything, as it could be taken as provocation. I even felt guilty for forbididng my partner to keep in touch with her as he would have been able to help her, but with all that happened I realise he is way to close to her to ever be able to help her.
I just need to find a way to deal with her, not let her win mentally
as for the moment I can still not move out.
 

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Try dropping all defenses to her. Consciously and deliberately.

Sometimes our wounds heal without us noticing but we still protect ourselves as though they are there.

You can not help her. Your husband can not help her. Only she can.
 

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My partner betrayed me with a young lady in our street.
Do not want to bother you with all the details, just that I warned him for about 2 years not to trust her, but of course all in vain. I knew it the moment he started something up with her, and asked for weeks to sepeak up, which he finally did after 2 months. Do not have to tell how I felt. I was saying goodbye to him over these weeks, not willing to let this all go (12 years and 2 kids) in full anger, and wanted to pick some good memories along.
His reason for going -> he lost his faith in our relation and in me, as he could not believe that someone could really love him. So he imagined that I had an affair (I travel for work) and got lost in that cycle, and started cutting himself lose from me (started about 3-4 years ago)
I was in big mess for months, but the evening he told me the story, I decided to continue with him, or at least to try for more then 100%.
The more he told me, the more I realised how she used him and our children during years to get him.
Now, 6 months later, she still plays her games, being very subtile, but still ongoing. Every so many weeks she follows him and tries to start up a converstation. He now pushes her firmly away. Every time she sees me she smiles into my face showing me she had him and won the game.
And more over, I can sense when she is at home and can feel her anger, pain and love for him and cannot seem to get myself lose from this.
I cannot move out, as I had just before this affaire started got 2 new loans to renovate the house, and these works are still ongoing.
She, live 5 houses away from us, and we live in a dead end street, so I see her nearly daily and see her 'rented house' when I walk out the door. She is single, 15 years younger and has 2 sons, who do not even know who their dad is.
We are not the first couple that has suffered from this, she is know for breaking up couples.
Has anyone any experience how I could protect myself mentally against her?
The fact that she has no shame or remorse and it taunting you by smiling at you with that cat that got the canary look may indicate that she has some type of personality disorder like Narcissism or psychopathy.

Sorry you are here.
 

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Sometimes we are afraid of confrontation. I do not speak of the physical fighting aspect of confrontation. Some people are afraid to catch people red handed as it would be a something awkward for them and they would rather keep things "out of sight, out of mind", especially for people who have seen/heard evidence of their spouse cheating on them. Do not be afraid of confronting truth, you do not need to change the way you act in front of this OW, you can ignore her at most.

Tell your husband to stop giving himself away for free. He needs to avoid contact with this volatile woman after he realizes that he cannot justify what he did. It may take him years or it may take him months, as long as this woman is there you will have constant pain. I've seen neighbors have problems like this involving illegitimate children, where even the couples were friends...

Does your husband work?
 

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Leuven,

As another mentioned, your pain is so apparent in your post. Words cannot convey how sorry I am that you must also deal with this crazy woman as you try to rebuild the marriage your husband so thoughtlessly destroyed. I cannot imagine what the additional stress must be like. I think I would drop dead if I had to look at my husband's AP every day.

I have a different perspective than most here on how to deal with her. She has taken a position of power over you because of the affair with your husband. I strongly suggest you take it back.

The next time she smiled at me, no matter where I was, I would immediately walk up to her and look her right in the eyes. I would let her know that while she did in fact get my husband, she wasn't woman enough to keep him. I would also ask her how it felt to have babies with unknown fathers and if she thought a change of lifestyle was in order since she is such a failure.

I would then warn her if she EVER attempts to look at me or mine again, if she ever tries to speak to my husband again or makes a single move that makes me uncomfortable, I would ruin her.

If she doesn't adhere to your kind warning I would ruin her. Put a sign on your car that says "Keep your husband away from this woman!" and park it in front of her house. I would then tell a group of women what happened and let nature take its course. I would bet she doesn't live five doors down from you for long.

I also want to say, that you knew she was working your husband and you chose not to deal with her. This eventually led to her having an affair with your husband. If you had of cornered and told her to stop her crap early in the game you may never have had a problem at all.

Taking the high road is always the best alternative but when you are being attacked from beneath you...sometimes you just have to jump into the mud and deal with it.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I dream every night of me getting even with her and indeed confront her, but she has already logged a file against me, based on lies, just waiting now for the letter from court. It will be her word against mine;
And yes, i should maybe have react stronger in the period before, but with my partner being in such a negative spiral, it would have just made it worse, instead of better. i would have been blamed for attacking, a perfect, nice woman without any reason. I have been made jokes about by my partner and eldest daughter when I mentioned to be carefull....

And yes, I realise that I give her power, and that this giving her strenght, and that I need to come up against this. But just feel so tired and wish that for once that someone else would de the fighting for me.
As said before I did have nice youth, and due to that I never really could trust someone 100%. Only my care mother, whom I had to leave when I was 12 I did trust, and then finally my partner Benny now. So maybe that is why it so hard, finally opening up for a very nice, person, and yes, my partner is a very nice person, and then again get cut into the bone.
My schrink tells me (I am in councelling since the incident with my youngest and then the suiicde attempt from my eledest) that indeed I am being phsygological terrorised by her.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Sara, she indeed appears to have a dissorder, as my partner tell me that the whole affair was she leading and manipulating, telling him just what he wanted to hear, doing just what he needed to have. She took more then 2 year to build up her web, and then when he tried to get lose from her, she started playing onto his guilt, her being alone all the time, me having it all, she having nothing and threating to come to me and tell all, or send me all the emails that they exchanged. She threatened to kill herself when he would not show up. etc etc.....
 

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Discussion Starter #19
CleanJerkSnatch,
strange that you write this, as I konw that I would have been able to catch them on action. I never did so, as I was waiting for my partner to tell me himself to see if anything was still left for us. I knew he loved me,but just did not believe in it. As days, weeks went by and he did not speak up, I started saying goodbye in my emotions and trying to get at least a few more moments to survive on after he would go.
But then he did tell the story, and I did crack, and even now I sometimes still find out htings that he did not say. Just because he says he does not remember, I rather think cause he does not to remember them and hides them from himself so that he does not have to deal with all he did.
He does not see or speaks to her anymore. But I still paniek from time to time, as I konw it is irrational fear, but it is still there, and then I sink back into the whole, and get the flashbacks.
I am angry to the whole situation, ut to to him or her.
I just feel anger towards her for just walking ove rme, as if I am nothing, just a stand in the way, and I am still that for her.
And I am blocked to doing something, even partner willen to write an email to her to tell her to back off, and tell hem how he really feels, but we can't as it would be provocation and added into the file.
 
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