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So , my wife has always looked great. She is now addicted to the gym .. 4+ hours a day. She has made an entire host of new girlfriends that have crazy lives ... cheating, divorce, on and on. I have been enabling her to get out of the house a lot more. She is/was a very Godly woman and an outstanding mother. She is a stay at home mom and been selfless for years. She started letting go of a few things which I thought was good. Little did I know she was letting go of me. I thought we were very happy. We were having sex every night ..... out of her guilt. Long story short, I caught her in a major emotional affair with my BEST friend in the entire world. UNREAL! As soon as I found the evidence she said I have been unhappy for a long time , we are getting a divorce. I am crushed so I do the worst thing and go in to panic mode. I am telling her I am sorry ... yes I AM SORRY! Anyway I tried taking her to counseling. She is done and has seen an attorney. We are 32 and have been together since we were 15. We have 3 children that are incredible. The kids do not know. Her plan has been to "Make it through the holidays" all along. She pretends like I do not even exist to her. I am having conversations about how things are going to play out and going along with this. I have made a lot of mistakes along the way. She is saying I can't blame this emotional affair because she gave up on me a long time ago. I know she has been satisfied with us in the recent past. When I was suspecting her, I was snooping, tracking, lying, and whatever else to get the evidence. Those are now my key qualities plus controlling! So anyway .. she stays at home by choice. I am a professional with an above average income. Of course we are stuck in our house with this economy. I have a hope that Christmas with the kids will turn things around. I want this to work, but I can't be with her like this. I really love the girl. She is cold as ice right now. There are a lot of consequences to what she is doing .. I just don't think she sees that. She is getting bad advice from the wrong people. Everyone around us that knows is wrecked. I have had trouble with anxiety which exposes my weaknesses. I am trying to stay strong as best as possible. I am talking with my therapist more right now. I am actually surprised how well I am coping! If we get in to a conversation where she starts to feel guilt, she removes herself. We went to see our pastor and she felt like she was attacked .. someone told her the truth. I would not keep the kids from her in a divorce, well we would share them. I have told her she needs to come with me to a parenting class for potential divorce parents , and read a book about look term effects of divorce. I am trying to be nice but strong through all of this. I do have 2 attorneys on retainer, but I really want us to work. We have both taken each other for granted and deserve better. I think we can do this and come out stronger. ANY ADVICE? Thanks!
 

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So , my wife has always looked great. She is now addicted to the gym .. 4+ hours a day. She has made an entire host of new girlfriends that have crazy lives ... cheating, divorce, on and on. I have been enabling her to get out of the house a lot more. She is/was a very Godly woman and an outstanding mother. She is a stay at home mom and been selfless for years. She started letting go of a few things which I thought was good. Little did I know she was letting go of me. I thought we were very happy. We were having sex every night ..... out of her guilt. Long story short, I caught her in a major emotional affair with my BEST friend in the entire world. UNREAL! As soon as I found the evidence she said I have been unhappy for a long time , we are getting a divorce. I am crushed so I do the worst thing and go in to panic mode. I am telling her I am sorry ... yes I AM SORRY! Anyway I tried taking her to counseling. She is done and has seen an attorney. We are 32 and have been together since we were 15. We have 3 children that are incredible. The kids do not know. Her plan has been to "Make it through the holidays" all along. She pretends like I do not even exist to her. I am having conversations about how things are going to play out and going along with this. I have made a lot of mistakes along the way. She is saying I can't blame this emotional affair because she gave up on me a long time ago. I know she has been satisfied with us in the recent past. When I was suspecting her, I was snooping, tracking, lying, and whatever else to get the evidence. Those are now my key qualities plus controlling! So anyway .. she stays at home by choice. I am a professional with an above average income. Of course we are stuck in our house with this economy. I have a hope that Christmas with the kids will turn things around. I want this to work, but I can't be with her like this. I really love the girl. She is cold as ice right now. There are a lot of consequences to what she is doing .. I just don't think she sees that. She is getting bad advice from the wrong people. Everyone around us that knows is wrecked. I have had trouble with anxiety which exposes my weaknesses. I am trying to stay strong as best as possible. I am talking with my therapist more right now. I am actually surprised how well I am coping! If we get in to a conversation where she starts to feel guilt, she removes herself. We went to see our pastor and she felt like she was attacked .. someone told her the truth. I would not keep the kids from her in a divorce, well we would share them. I have told her she needs to come with me to a parenting class for potential divorce parents , and read a book about look term effects of divorce. I am trying to be nice but strong through all of this. I do have 2 attorneys on retainer, but I really want us to work. We have both taken each other for granted and deserve better. I think we can do this and come out stronger. ANY ADVICE? Thanks!
The other man will likely run like heck when she tries to push for something more serious.

She may or may not be back, but this relationship won't last long.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Ex best friend is married with children as well. He has all the advantages. That is the one guy that knows our relationship. We shared that with each other, which is odd ... being men and all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
What's ironic is my wife says she knows this relationship would never work long term. I am taking it she "has seen the light" and is high from it.
 

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Ex best friend is married with children as well. He has all the advantages. That is the one guy that knows our relationship. We shared that with each other, which is odd ... being men and all.
Immediately, call your best friend's wife and tell her about what is going on. Give her what ever evidence you have and let her take care of him. That should end the emotional affair.
 

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-Tell his wife.
-Do the 180.
-File on her cheating azz, and maybe the fog will clear from her mind.
-You say you apologized. If you gave a sincere one for things you could have done better, good, now don't repeat it, and stop saying you're sorry.
 

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First, you're going about this all wrong. You've gone about your marriage all wrong, although the problems are not what you think they are. Other than the adultery of course. Answer the following questions:

When did your wife start training?

When did the affair start?

Is your wife a SAHM?

Is your friend the OM a so-called "Christian?"

What happened with OMW on Dday?

What kind of shape are you in?

Do women hit on you a lot? ever? at all?

I must say, I'm getting tired of reading this same book over and over.
 

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badaa05

I am pro-marriage, and would love to see this work out for the best, but the way you describe it, yes she is gone (maybe not physically, but she is gone). I really don't know what you can do to win her back... Sure you can read the threads (which I am sure someone will post) on the 180 strategy, but that would have been more affective years back. I think your description of her (and remember we only get one side of the story - yours) would mean that you would be wise to at least talk with your legal counsel to discuss your options on what a settlement would look like.

You certainly want to at least remain on ,as much as you can muster, congenial relations with her for the sake of the children. I would suggest that you at least let her know that you are uncomfortable with the current living arrangement as long as she is treating you this cold manner. And, that she needs to seek other living arrangement soon. It will help you to move forward much quicker and help her to find her way. I agree, you both need to find a way (the classes you mentioned) to parent under what will likely be new circumstances. She at minimum needs to recognize the importance as well.
 

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How long ago did you find out?

How did you find out? I see you had to do some investigating.

What are you doing right now to monitor?

I guess you want her back right?
 

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All your begging and pleading has done is to reinforce in her mind what her friends have said about you. That you are not worthy of a 'real woman', that you are a pathetic excuse for a man. As long as she has this mindset you aren't going to budge her. Not one bit.

And if you think the holidays are going to make her nostalgic for the old days - forget it. She's going to be going to more holiday parties this year than she's ever gone to before.

So, what do you do? You can't rationalize her back. She's made up her mind. Your ONE chance is to LET HER GO. Yes. Stop chasing. Stop pleading. Talk only about parenting. Secure your finances. Consult your lawyer about how much money should be made available to her. Don't try to buy her anything for christmas.

It's over. Detach from her. Ask her to move out of the marital bedroom she has no right to be in that room.
 

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You also might try cutting back on some of the things being paid for....like the gym etc.If she wants divorce,she may as well get used to doing with less now.
 

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Well to start:

You pull a 180. Which is where you treat your wife like she is treating you: a non-existent person. A ghost. Someone that isn't even there.
You tell her parents. You tell your parents. The reason? Because these people tend to tell us what we need to hear, and not what we want to hear. And hopefully her parents can show her how stupid she is acting.
You tell the OM's wife. Because she needs to know her husband has been cheating, so she can make the same choices.
You visit a lawyer, and start getting everything ready. You can file after Christmas. The reason behind this is because sometimes the 'shock' of seeing yourself get served is enough to get the WS to get their head out of their ass. And if it doesn't, then you married a loser.
And your wife loses all the privileges of being your wife. That means: cancelling/closing out all joint accounts and credit cards. You don't do ANYTHING for her. She has to sleep in a different bedroom. Personally, I would say kick her out, because that tends to wake up most wayward spouses, but she may just run off with the OM.

And while all this sounds like a horrible idea because it will give her what she wants, understand something:
Women are different. They want what they can't have. And they want what other people want. If she finds out she can't have you and finds other women want you, it will burn her up inside. Might get her out of the affair fog.
Plus, cheaters are stupid. They react differently than you would think.

So while this may all sound like a bad idea, this stuff tends to work. Want to know why? Because I've read how many posters follow what the pro's at this say, and they tend to get what they want.
Then I see the people that try to do the opposite of what the pro's here say. And they wonder why their WS won't come back to them, then divorces, and leaves them. And they come here crying. And I just want to rip into them for being ignorant.

Most WS follow a textbook approach when these steps are applied.
Apply them, and watch your wife run to your arms in no time.
 
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