Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
21 - 37 of 37 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
I'm sorry but I'm on the other side of the situation. My wife is a WAS. I'm changing for me and her but mainly me. I have so many insecurity issues that I took them out on her.

IMO if you think counseling will get to the root of the issue give him a chance. Help him solve his issues before getting back together.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
Inorder for him to change for the better he needs to realize there is a problem. Not just a "she asks me to clean when I'm tired from work". Something asked of me in therapy was what were your parents marriage like? Since it was a bad marriage to me I grew up believing that their marriage was normal. I let that define the roles of husband and wife. Not sure what he expects out of you and vice versa.

If counseling didnt work, have you read divorce remedy? That focuses more on behavioral outcomes. I read it and realized small actions are louder than words. I had to put it down to focus more on saving me and I'm near the end of the book. You can read the first chapter free if you're hesitate. Something in that book I read is how humans think to solve a problem we have to do a certain action. This can be nagging, yelling, anger, etc. If it didn't work then why keep doing it though?

There is another book I heard of that actually defines what loves mean to you. Your husband at have another definition of how love is shown.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,050 Posts
Inorder for him to change for the better he needs to realize there is a problem. Not just a "she asks me to clean when I'm tired from work". Something asked of me in therapy was what were your parents marriage like? Since it was a bad marriage to me I grew up believing that their marriage was normal. I let that define the roles of husband and wife. Not sure what he expects out of you and vice versa.
:iagree:

SoulC, he seems to be making some small changes right now -- maybe he will take therapy more seriously this time around? Success for your marriage will depend on really big changes, and for that, counseling is helpful.

You might want to hold off on doing anything drastic right now - like asking for a divorce - and see what happens with counseling. You've been unhappy for a long time, and so you've been thinking about this for a while now. It may have only just clicked for him regarding how big this really is.

If you're convinced that divorce is the best solution, then go ahead and ask for the big D. But the impression I've had from your posts here and on your previous thread (which I just read) is that you don't really want a divorce, but it seems like your only option because he's not taking your concerns seriously. And I think there are some deeper issues here than just his porn use and the lack of intimacy. If the two of you can get to the root of your problems (which mostly means getting to the roots of his issues, considering that no one in his family seems capable of maintaining a healthy marital relationship), I think you guys could get past this and have a happy marriage again.

Ultimately, though, it's up to you. And if you want to work on it, you're going to have to do some hard work, too. And you're marriage isn't going to be the same marriage you had before. If you both commit and do the work, it will be a totally different (and hopefully, much more fulfilling) marriage than before.

Also, regarding his low sex drive... might want to have his testosterone checked. Just a thought.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #26 ·
No offense dropped, but it seems like you may be projecting your situation onto mine. I am not currently questioning if I should make this relationship work or not. Of course I have doubts here and there, but that's the guilt talking to me and the love for my children. This post was to reach out to those who have experience or advice with wanting to divorce someone who is not wanting to let go.

I am not a cold, heartless b****, but I sure do sound like one to my H right now since I'm not wanting to give any false hope. I hate making him feel this way but I feel a bit forced to do it again and again. He is doing what it seems like you are doing (to your wife and almost to me in these posts, ha!), which is kind of like this love interrogation thing. PRESSURE. This HAS to work-I will MAKE it work (ignoring the feelings that I'm feeling, which is he didn't make it work or we wouldn't be here)! Being overly hopeful when I am saying that I am sadly done. Telling me all of the wonderful changes he 100% is going to make when he couldn't even change the 1 largest problem, let alone the many small problems, before now (though he always said he was going to change them all). If he's in the mood I'm suppose to sit and listen and watch his face turn from pain to hopeful and...crush him over and over again. I hate it. I don't like it but I also wouldn't have to put him through this repeated pain if he would just believe my words. I get the desperation, pain and mourning of the marriage....I've been doing it for months and begging for him to see that our marriage was crumbling. Begging!!!!

Did your wife warn you? Did she give you many chances? No disrespect, but when you push someone away for long enough and make plenty of empty promises (or many lies, by my husband) eventually your wife is going to have to draw the line. And once that line is drawn the respect and love is often gone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,050 Posts
I think we all project a little bit onto each other, especially when we see similarities between our situation and that of other posters.

I'm sure I'm guilty of it, too :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
No offense dropped, but it seems like you may be projecting your situation onto mine.
I admit I am. I feel desperate and hurt. I not sure if I'm rationalizing things by telling myself, if I can't save mine maybe I can another or if she is able to give it a chance my W will as well. I'm sorry its unfair to you.

I am not a cold, heartless b****, but I sure do sound like one to my H right now since I'm not wanting to give any false hope.
If you were cold and heartless you wouldnt be posting here and he would be dead with you walking away free with a good cover up story. You wouldnt be feeling pain and seeking counsel and hurting over the situation.

I hate making him feel this way but I feel a bit forced to do it again and again. He is doing what it seems like you are doing (to your W and almost to me in these posts, ha!), which is kind of like this love interrogation thing. PRESSURE. This HAS to work-I will MAKE it work (ignoring the feelings that I'm feeling, which is he didn't make it work or we wouldn't be here)! Being overly hopeful when I am saying that I am sadly done. Telling me all of the wonderful changes he 100% is going to make when he couldn't even change the 1 largest problem, let alone the many small problems, before now (though he always said he was going to change them all).
Its human nature to fix a problem. If it doesnt work it just means we have to try harder. Thats something I picked up from divorce remedy. We rarely realize that if it didnt work before we have to try something different. I think the main difference is I'm working on my issues myself.

Did your wife warn you? Did she give you many chances? No disrespect, but when you push someone away for long enough and make plenty of empty promises (or many lies, by my husband) eventually your wife is going to have to draw the line. And once that line is drawn the respect and love is often gone.
Did my W tell me about my actions? She did but didnt mention how bad my actions such as lack of trust hurt her. She never told me how unhappy she was and that she was debating about divorce. I wish I would have gotten the "if this doenst change i'm out" talk. Her friends knew more about her being upset than me cause I was totally blindsided. Never told me that she felt like she was losing her identity, that we're just two different people, or that we just werent compatible. She admits that it wasnt fair that she didnt tell me any of this.

I did try to make our relationship work before this situation but I tried the wrong way. I did things that I would make me feel appreciated. I never validated her as a person and meet her emotional needs. I take signs of appreciation and feel loved when someone helps me with chores, glass of water when I'm sweating mowing the lawn, etc. She feels loved when I listen to her talk about her day, tell her she's beautiful when she is not wearing makeup, etc.

My relationship is different cause our main problem was her lack of communication and my trust issues combined with her lost of identity. We shared chores, we had sex, we went on date night. I just didnt tell or show her I loved her in a way that made her feel special. I didnt listen to her stories about her day or was excited during xmas dinner with the inlaws. I know I can change these behaviors easily. I know now how to make my W feel special and if she lets me I would. I learned before the news was dropped that I was just running thru the motion and didnt realize how important these things were to her. I was just what I thought a husband was supposed to be and not there to fulfill her emotional needs.

I plan on fixing my insecurity issues with a counselor not for her but for my future relationship, if its with her or someone else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #29 ·
*BREATHE* No really, I just did a HUGE breath. (that's for myself and all of us!!!)

I was concerned that I came off more frustrated that I was in my post but felt good after seeing both of your responses. Man, this separation/divorce crap is unreal. The pain we sit in and/or the pain we have caused during the marriage and then now.

It sure does suck :(

Dropped, I'm sorry that you were neven given the "fix this or I'm out talk." Really sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
I'm sorry that you've had to resort to using that line time and time again.

A little bit of explanation from both parties can really enlighten everybody about what's going on.

For your sake I hope your husband is feeling how I feel. I know what broke our marriage and I can fix them. I know I can and will. They're small behavior changes that can bring about a happier more fulfilling marriage. I can be what she wants because she is pretty much what I want.My counseling to fix my problems. I know I have to do that before the years of resentment can slowly fade away.

I just don't know how to show her that if she just stop building a wall around herself I can make her feel special.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
A bit of perspectives please. If your husband did something totally radical would that make a difference?

When she gets sick I would always ask that she go to the room to not get me or our son sick. This caused fights cause she didn't like that. Yesterday she got sick so I made her some soup, ice cream for her throat, and said "I don't want to stress you out with me being here so I'll go for a jog so you can watch TV and relax before bed".

Today I told her that I understand her lost of identity and bought her paint supplies and an easel. I just asked that when she paints something to please let me see it.

Not sure if its too soon and she will dismiss it as a cheap ploy or a possible change of heart.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #32 ·
A bit of perspectives please. If your husband did something totally radical would that make a difference?

When she gets sick I would always ask that she go to the room to not get me or our son sick. This caused fights cause she didn't like that. Yesterday she got sick so I made her some soup, ice cream for her throat, and said "I don't want to stress you out with me being here so I'll go for a jog so you can watch TV and relax before bed".

Today I told her that I understand her lost of identity and bought her paint supplies and an easel. I just asked that when she paints something to please let me see it.

Not sure if its too soon and she will dismiss it as a cheap ploy or a possible change of heart.
Posted via Mobile Device
Honestly? I think she will think "too little too late." It may even push her away even more. Did you already give it to her? If she was truly ready to divorce you you will need to back off. I'm not certain if complete 180 would work, and I'm not certain what would work, but if she's anything like myself she would think of your action as a band-aid and not a cure. However, she may not even be wanting the cure right now so it could even come off as suffocation IMO.

As to your question about it being too soon, I say big time since you 2 are separated (and was on the divorce train until you talked her into separation). She did not say that she was wanting to currently work on the marriage.

Note: I do understand that your intentions are good; this is just my opinion as to how it may come across.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #33 ·
A bit of perspectives please. If your husband did something totally radical would that make a difference?
No.

My feelings have changed, not just lack of love but lack of respect, and trust was gone a long time ago. For my marriage to work the changes would have to actually occur and I would somehow be able to accept and believe them. I don't believe he could truly make the necessary changes by his track record and if he magically could, I still don't think that I could turn this train around even if I tried. If I thought this could work I would have never said the word Divorce :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
Thanks for the insight. I might still be in denial that I can help open her eyes just a little. I did say that I was taking the time part to work on myself and that I know she needs the time apart as well. I fear that me moving out makes this my only chance to plant a seed before doing the textbook 180. I'm just worried that a 180 will only push her away cause all she wants is me to move on.
Thanks.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,050 Posts
No.

My feelings have changed, not just lack of love but lack of respect, and trust was gone a long time ago. For my marriage to work the changes would have to actually occur and I would somehow be able to accept and believe them. I don't believe he could truly make the necessary changes by his track record and if he magically could, I still don't think that I could turn this train around even if I tried. If I thought this could work I would have never said the word Divorce :(
What you might want to keep in mind is that feelings change all the time. I think this blog post says it quite well:

The Wisdom Of Keanu Reeves « A Woman's Guide to Women: A Blog for Men

You feel a certain way because of his behavior; if he changes, there's a very good chance that your feelings would change as well.

And is he really incapable of change, or are you trying to convince yourself of that to justify your decision?

(I'm not saying that you're wrong, I'm just asking the question.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #36 ·
What you might want to keep in mind is that feelings change all the time. I think this blog post says it quite well:

The Wisdom Of Keanu Reeves « A Woman's Guide to Women: A Blog for Men

You feel a certain way because of his behavior; if he changes, there's a very good chance that your feelings would change as well.

And is he really incapable of change, or are you trying to convince yourself of that to justify your decision?

(I'm not saying that you're wrong, I'm just asking the question.)
I believe he is incapable of change because I've heard many, many times over the years that change is coming and it has never came. He's always "a new man." Some miracle has always let him see the light...for a few months....or weeks...or sometimes just days. Granted he hasn't always been faced with divorce but he's been faced with it since last December and it hasn't done anything. So yes, he's VERY SORRY (and I do believe that he is) and yes he totally sees his faults and he will NEVER take me for granted again....or watch/talk to webcam girls...and will cool his jets with the kids....and, well, it's all magically going to change. Trust me, I WANT to believe him, well, I sorta want to believe him. But at this point if I believed what he said then I would be considered naive :rolleyes:
 
21 - 37 of 37 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top