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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My Husband is having an affair. We were together for 8 years and married for 3. Our kids were raised together. I have had 3 Ddays and he convinced me each time that it was nothing. Oh the crazy lies and me believing them. The last one was the final straw. I have asked him to leave and am no longer asking for his love and talking to him all the time. I made so many mistakes and didn't even realize it until I found this site. Every one of the tell tale signs and I made every one of the mistakes. I truly thought we were happy and now the thoughts and pain in my heart. I dunno. Does anyone have any tips on what has helped or how long til my head and heart get better?
 

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Sorry you are going through this. It is awfuly painful.

You need to start interact with him according to the 180 (see link below). This will help you separate emotionally and heal quicker.

When a couple workes to recover from infidelity it takes 2-5 years to remover emotionally from the affair.

I do think that the personal emotional recovery can be much quicker if you divorce. The reason is that you are not working daily to try to make things work and trying/hoping to believe that the cheater is trustworthy.

It also helps to file for divorce as soon as possible. The process of filing for divorce give you, the BS (betrayed spouse) the feeling that you have recaptured some control over your own life.
 

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My Husband is having an affair. We were together for 8 years and married for 3. Our kids were raised together. I have had 3 Ddays and he convinced me each time that it was nothing. Oh the crazy lies and me believing them. The last one was the final straw. I have asked him to leave and am no longer asking for his love and talking to him all the time. I made so many mistakes and didn't even realize it until I found this site. Every one of the tell tale signs and I made every one of the mistakes. I truly thought we were happy and now the thoughts and pain in my heart. I dunno. Does anyone have any tips on what has helped or how long til my head and heart get better?
Living in "limbo" might be the most painful part. Coming up with some goals, plans to reach those goals, and following the plans could help you feel more in control.

Forgive yourself for doing what you thought was right. Most here have been in your position. You can't go back and change the past; learn from it and move forward.

Assuming you still are open to an honest effort by your husband, tell him he has one day to come back and really work on the marriage or you will file for divorce. Meanwhile, if you haven't already done so, blow up the affair through exposure to other woman's husband/boyfriend, parents, siblings, very close friends - those who you think can influence her. Tell them she is having an affair with your husband and breaking up your family, including hurting your children, and ask them to use their influence on her to end the affair.

If your husband does agree to reconcile, tell him that, givben his past cheating and lies, you have to be able to monitor and verify that he still is not cheating on you, so you will need to be able to see his phone and computer and have access to all his accounts, he will have to let you know where he is at all times, and, of course, he will have to end all contact with other woman.

If he doesn't agree to reconcile, file for divorce and detach from him. Talk to him only about the divorce settlement, finances, and the children. Start to plan out the rest of your life. Take it day by day, do the best you can, and don't be too hard on yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you both. Those are all very encouraging and helpful words. I had run across the 180 plan and had begun on Friday mainly for myself. I have a counseling appt on Wednesday for starters.
I have decided to meet briefly with him and simply say "this has been a very painful experience. If the affair is not stopped and we dont set up a plan of recovery, I will have to file papers for Divorce." ....?
 

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You can tell him what you need for R, but be prepared for him to shift blame to you and try to make you feel like it's YOUR fault, and guilt you into R.

I would just start D and not tell him anything. Let him come groveling to you.

If you do decide to R, then you have to spell out VERY CLEAR consequences to him, ise if he breaks no contact, won't go to MC, lies about anything, won't give you passwords etc. Then that is IT.
 

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My Husband is having an affair. We were together for 8 years and married for 3. Our kids were raised together. I have had 3 Ddays and he convinced me each time that it was nothing. Oh the crazy lies and me believing them. The last one was the final straw. I have asked him to leave and am no longer asking for his love and talking to him all the time. I made so many mistakes and didn't even realize it until I found this site. Every one of the tell tale signs and I made every one of the mistakes. I truly thought we were happy and now the thoughts and pain in my heart. I dunno. Does anyone have any tips on what has helped or how long til my head and heart get better?
It took me several years. I nearly blew it by having what I now know was a stupid revenge affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I didn't meet with him. He posted an angry comment to everyone to "quit calling him, cuz it's just p'ing me off". So I texted him to say it probably wasn't a good idea.

MattMatt- does that mean you did reconcile? Tell me more.
 

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Remember that filing for divorce doesn't mean you have to finalize the divorce. In my state, a divorce filing can sit out there for a year. Consult with an attorney to get more info, it will only cost you a consultation fee ... small price for knowing your options. A divorce filing may just wake him up to what he is doing and what is going to lose. If you both agree to R after the filing then you have the option later to stop the divorce if you feel that is the right thing to do. Don't give him any impression that stopping the divorce is an option for you.
 

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Could you elaborate on the D-days? What happened? What kind of affairs did he have? How did you find out?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
The first one, I knew he was being different and not showing me the affection or talking to me normal. I started seeking his love. It angered him one night and I looked at his phone and found a fake name and texts deleted except for a few days worth. there were pics too. He explained that away with some crazy lies.

Second, A week later I found the phone records, including long phone calls on our vacation. There was also a trip that I thought he was in California for work that all showed the source calls from a local beach. I googled the number and paid to get the name. Confronted him and asked him to leave our house. Then he turned around and said he wouldn't talk to her anymore and we started talking and he was telling me every time he went anywhere. Still not back in the house though.

Third, a week later, he said he had to go out with the guys that night. Before bed, I had a weird feeling and called him. He was very sweet and I was all am I being silly cuz I have a bad feeling. He said its fine. After I hung up the feeling came back. I decided to go there. As I walked up to the bar where he was standing, I could see over his shoulder that he was texting her. He got angry when I confronted. The next day I exposed to all our friends and family and have not really talked to him. This was last Friday. He is still angry and won't talk to anyone.
 

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I will second EleGirls advice to you, then. Detach and move on. Take charge of the situation, so he will have to react. His post seems immature.

Then you decide what to do next. I don't think you will want him back? File for divorce immediatly, he will get the message, and you will feel better and in control.
 
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