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Answer her call?

  • Never, ignore calls forever

    Votes: 2 3.8%
  • Yes, pick it up and accept the verbal beating with minimal talk from me

    Votes: 9 17.0%
  • No, write an email asking her what it is about

    Votes: 4 7.5%
  • No, write an email telling her there is nothing I can do for her and I dont want contact.

    Votes: 1 1.9%
  • Yes, let her say what she needs to, then apologize and express my regret of betraying her

    Votes: 40 75.5%
  • Call block her phone number so I won't receive her future calls.

    Votes: 1 1.9%

  • Total voters
    53
  • Poll closed .
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Discussion Starter #1
It has been three months since I last had contact with her husband and it was to confirm we are over and done. He has not contacted me in any way. I have no intention of ever making contact with him again. Ever.

I regret my actions, and will live with my guilt for the rest of my life. I had known this man because he was my direct boss, and a father figure to me, and a person i had been able to trust for six years. He initiated our affair and I unfortunately chose the wrong path. I knew his wife well and his family, I spent many Christmases with them. His wife was either really naive or she was overlooking our affair. The affair went on daily for two years.

I spent the majority of our relationship trying to end things so I could move away from this destructive behavior. He always could talk his way back in. I have never engaged in any type of affair before in my life, it was only him who had this trust/friend relationship with me who I would have made this egregious error in judgment.

His wife has called me five times from their house phone, at noon or around 4/5pm, over the last couple of weeks. She never leaves a voicemail or writes an email. I legitimately miss her call every time because I am working. Tonight she called me from her cell. I feel certain she has something to say to me. I have not contacted her back because I'm not sure what to do.

Should I answer? IF I dont, will she resort to coming to my apartment or my work? I don't have the impression from knowing her that she is violent or crazy or wants to confront me like that. what I've done is reprehensible and there will never be anything I can do or say that would be of console to her. I pray every evening that I will be removed from her thoughts and she can forget me and be happy with her husband, if they are still together.

If I do answer, what should I say? What is it she wants of me? My friend says she wants to make me feel guilty, which I am already. I make a terrible decision and I have lost everything. I would say I am sorry and will regret this forever, but will that even help? Also, this is a little paranoid, but would she record the call for any reason?


Does she want me to tell her details or something? Is that a good idea? I would if it is helpful but I don't want to hurt her or make her more angry.

I dont know what to do. I feel that she has the right to curse me out and ask me how I could have done this to her, and I deserve it. I don't want to hurt her further by telling her anything that happened in the affair. Would it? Should I email her to say I see her missed calls and let her know a time when I can talk?

I genuinely do not want to have any contact with her or him ever again in my life. I want to move on to a healthy relationship with someone who is not selfish and uses me for sex and intimacy. I have accepted another job and will be moving out of the country within the next 9 months.

Should I answer the call? If I answer the call, what should I say?
 

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I was in a similar situation. The OW for 6 months then my partner and i started dating. I felt a lot of guilt and allowed the ex to contact me to vent and question...this went on for months but ive now changed my number so that she cant contact me as its had a huge impact on my relationship with him. She wasnt getting any answers from my partner so she resorted to getting them from me. Im an honest person but my partner isnt, he found it difficult to accept and hear the truth etc so i did that for her. Just tell her the honest truth, apologize and be sincere in doing so. It will help you move on too.
 

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Its over change your number or if you know its her for sure report her for stalking especially if she comes to your office.
 

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You have her cell number. Text her. Tell her, she shares her husband. If not with you with the next woman he WILL be cheating with. Thus is life...

Text her, and stop feeling guilty. Watch a movie and get over it.
 

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Yes, take her call. Have some compassion. You helped destroy her life. Maybe not intentionally, but still.

If she is threatening you or stalking you, then you should file a restraining order or something. Of course, if she harasses you, then put a stop to it with legal means. More likely, she is a wreck because of this affair and is trying to work it out.

You knew her. You betrayed her, too. You deceived her. She's definitely going to have something to say to you. Listen to it. Apologize. Tell her that you will never see him again. Mean it.

You don't deserve to be physically harmed, but you do deserve a telling off. You do deserve to face the music and see what the consequences of your actions are -- not because you should be harmed, but because you somehow didn't realize for TWO YEARS what your actions would do to someone else and if you don't reconcile that with yourself now, you will eventually have to deal with the issues later when they begin to damage the rest of your life.

Maybe hearing her out will lead you to understand why you made such terrible choices at such great cost and without regard for someone who you knew. When you figure it out, you might be able to heal the part of you that is wounded and enabled you to think it was a good idea.

I'm not trying to be cruel to you, just honest. I think that avoiding her call is cowardly. I think you should face what you've done so that you learn from it.

And, then, move on.
 

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It sounds like you have done your own soul searching and you are going to live with it.

If you want to answer maybe tell her she has ten miuntes to ask any thing she wants or say anything she want after ten hang up and it over.If she keeps calling report her.
 

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It has been three months since I last had contact with her husband and it was to confirm we are over and done. He has not contacted me in any way. I have no intention of ever making contact with him again. Ever.

Did she find out and that is the reason the affair came to end? Or did you guys end it on your own?

I regret my actions, and will live with my guilt for the rest of my life. I had known this man because he was my direct boss, and a father figure to me, and a person i had been able to trust for six years. He initiated our affair and I unfortunately chose the wrong path. I knew his wife well and his family, I spent many Christmases with them. His wife was either really naive or she was overlooking our affair. The affair went on daily for two years.

Please in all fairness, DO NOT put this back on her shoulders. Not every BW/BH realizes that they are being betrayed. Most of the time we trust our spouses 100%. She allowed you to be present in her house for the holidays and you stabbed her in the back. He was your boss, that is why it went on daily...he had an valid excuse to see you.

His wife has called me five times from their house phone, at noon or around 4/5pm, over the last couple of weeks. She never leaves a voicemail or writes an email. I legitimately miss her call every time because I am working. Tonight she called me from her cell. I feel certain she has something to say to me. I have not contacted her back because I'm not sure what to do.

She most likely has questions for you to verify. DO NOT be coward. If you are afraid I would text her or email her, but answer her questions truthfully. You have nothing to lose. DO NOT protect her husband.

Should I answer?

Yes

IF I dont, will she resort to coming to my apartment or my work?

She might. I would not let it get that far.

I don't have the impression from knowing her that she is violent or crazy or wants to confront me like that.

Then you have nothing to lose by answering her calls.

what I've done is reprehensible and there will never be anything I can do or say that would be of console to her. I pray every evening that I will be removed from her thoughts and she can forget me and be happy with her husband, if they are still together.

The truth is you contributed to her pain. The best you can do is own up to your part and tell her sorry AND MEAN IT!!!

If I do answer, what should I say?

Listen to her, answer her question truthfully and apologize. Let her know this is the one time you will be in contact.

What is it she wants of me?

ANSWERS and to probably tell you off.

My friend says she wants to make me feel guilty, which I am already.

As you should.

I make a terrible decision and I have lost everything.

As a BS I have to say thank you for realizing that damaged that you helped cause. Not every OW owns up to her mistakes.

I would say I am sorry and will regret this forever, but will that even help?

Maybe not right away, but it will eventually if you are sincere with her.

Also, this is a little paranoid, but would she record the call for any reason?

She might use it as proof to her husband. But you should not care about that.

Does she want me to tell her details or something?

This is my best guess.

Is that a good idea? I would if it is helpful but I don't want to hurt her or make her more angry.

Yep and you should to expect her to be angry with you and him.

I dont know what to do. I feel that she has the right to curse me out and ask me how I could have done this to her, and I deserve it. I don't want to hurt her further by telling her anything that happened in the affair. Would it?

Yes it will probably hurt, hopefully you will only confirm what her husband has claimed. But she has every right to know what you two did.

Should I email her to say I see her missed calls and let her know a time when I can talk?

Since you have her email, why not just ask her what she wants via email and communicate that way.

I genuinely do not want to have any contact with her or him ever again in my life. I want to move on to a healthy relationship with someone who is not selfish and uses me for sex and intimacy.

That door closed the moment you got involved with a MM.
 

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Do the decent thing and answer her. Tell her you don't want to talk but are doing it to in some way, as minute as it is, to right the wrongs you have done.

If as in the above post she starts calling you continuously then you will have to put a gentle stop to that. But the least you can do now you have damaged so much is to listen and apologise. And yes it will help. It will help her ENORMOUSLY. Do not underestimate this. It is the least you should do.
 

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Its over change your number or if you know its her for sure report her for stalking especially if she comes to your office.
But if you read this paragraph
I knew his wife well and his family, I spent many Christmases with them
You will be able to conclude that the wife was a very good friend of the OP. She was doubly betrayed.

She needs closure.

OP needs to woman up and reply to her call.

The wife may yet not know of the affair and might want her input on helping her husband get through his depression.
 

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The OP needs to consider something she needs to work on in herself:-

His wife was either really naive or she was overlooking our affair. The affair went on daily for two years.
Do you harbour some contempt or resentment of the faithful wife of your ex-lover?

Because that part of your post sounds very affair foggy to me.

Because to me that sentence (when taken in context with the rest of your post) really says: "Boy! Was she ever naive! We played her ever day for two years! Gosh, I was even her guest at Christmas, for goodness sake and I was having sex with her husband! How come she didn't notice?"

I'll tell you how come. Because she trusted her husband and she trusted her friend, you. And you both abused her trust and treated her with contempt.

You do owe her an apology.
 

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As everyone else said,return the woman's calls.She deserves to be heard and she deserves the chance to confront you.
If you're truly remorseful and sorry for what you did then you wouldn't hide from her the way you are currently.

You would face her and give her the chance to unload the burden of these feelings your affair with her husband caused her to have.

You spent time with this woman.Ate meals in her home and probably spent time with her children too.I think she deserves more from you than this duck and dodge game.

Put yourself in her shoes.This affair went on for two years.The pain you and her husband have caused her must be overwhelming.
 

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There is a lot of "woe is me" in your post. You were not taken advantage of or "used." You chose to have an affair. Also, you say she must have been "naive" or "overlooked" the affair. That is really poor taste. Don't blame her for not knowing about how you and he both betrayed her marriage. Own it.

Now with that little spiel said, I think this is simple:

If you were woman enough to fvck her husband for 2 years and play like you were her "friend" when you saw her and her family, even spending holidays in her marital home (omg), then you are woman enough to respond to her. She is hurting badly. You could at least respect her enough to answer her after helping betray her marriage. It may give you and her some closure.

In the future, don't cheat. And pray you don't get cheated on the same way.



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Its over change your number or if you know its her for sure report her for stalking especially if she comes to your office.
I would be very cautious about doing something like this.

There will be a police record, and you must tell the truth about why you think this women is calling and the police record will then include your infidelity.

BTW: Police often release any and all police reports filed, to the local press.

Also, if you lie in the police report about the infidelity, that is a crime, and in the U.S. it is a gross misdeanor which can lead to up to five years in jail.

Edited to add:

Also by going to the police you open yourself to a civil suit.

This betrayed spouse can make a good case for emotional harrassment by you. And, most juries would be on her side, given the fact that you were a friend and went to her house knowning you were having an affair with her husband. That will make you look very bad in court, as it should.

Your cheating caused PTSD in her and ruined her marriage. Going to the police can reinjure her psyche.

Also, she can sue for alienation of affection. Winning need not be her objective.

She is the victim......NOT YOU. Please remember that.
 

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There is a lot of "woe is me" in your post. You were nto taken advantage of. You chose to have an affair. Also, you say she must have been "naive" or "overlooked" the affair. That is really poor taste. Don't blame her for not knowing about how you and he both betrayed her marriage. Own it.
i agree with this 100%.first thing i thought when reading through the post.that's why i don't think OP is truly sorry.I find myself wondering if she has a conscience at all if she could carry on like this for 2 years while still being the woman's friend and interacting with the family.
 

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I

I regret my actions, and will live with my guilt for the rest of my life. I had known this man because he was my direct boss, and a father figure to me, and a person i had been able to trust for six years. He initiated our affair and I unfortunately chose the wrong path. I knew his wife well and his family, I spent many Christmases with them. His wife was either really naive or she was overlooking our affair. The affair went on daily for two years.
There is waaay too much self pity and blameshifting in your post.

Correcting this behavior will protect you from cheating again.

You are placing too much blame on your affair partner.

In reality the truth is likely that you were giving off vibes that advertised that you were fully open to an affair.

Also, that fact that you allowed it to continue for two years is another clue.

If you felt your boss was predatory you could have filed a harrassment suit against him.

You did not.
 

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His wife has called me five times from their house phone, at noon or around 4/5pm, over the last couple of weeks. She never leaves a voicemail or writes an email. I legitimately miss her call every time because I am working. Tonight she called me from her cell. I feel certain she has something to say to me. I have not contacted her back because I'm not sure what to do.
Also, from a legal perspective, if she does not speak, you have no proof it is her.

Anyone can be calling from her phone. And, the police will likely apprise you of that fact.

Unless she actually speaks and leaves a message, it could be her husband calling, or her children.
 

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Look, I'm pretty sure it's the wife calling her if Regretful was friends with her and knows her #.

Let's offer some constructive advice here.

Regretful, you are going to catch a lot of sh!t in this thread because of where you are posting and what you did but ... try to brave the storm.

Can I ask--why have you been avoiding her calls? Is it the guilt or you just don't want to face what you did? Are you afraid to face your truth? Or something else?

How would you feel if you were her? Answer that honestly. It may help you empathize with her.

I think you should definitely respond to the wife, your former friend.



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Look, I'm pretty sure it's the wife calling her if Regretful was friends with her and knows her #.

Let's offer some constructive advice here.
It is constructive advice.

In a court of law they will ask for proof.

Intuitive impressions or a feeling that it is "likely her" mean nothing in court or with the police.

She needs proof positive. Period. That is just a fact.

I don't think she should go to the police.

I would be fitting for someone who has cheated to do this, and make a fool of themselves.

But as mentioned, I don't think it is a constructive idea for all the reasons mentioned.
 
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