[BundleofGuilt]

This is really sad, but that is exactly how i feel. After more than 10 years of marriage to a wonderful man, I am in a point of my life where I am ready to stop wasting my time and make a decision while I am still "young enough" to start all over again, but at the same time I am afraid I might end up alone with out kids. We do not have kids and it has been a conscientious decision up until it hit me that I am 35 and this ca be my chance to be a mother, what if i just have a kid and then ask for divorce later? or should I just get the guts to make a decision now??? Have any of you read the book too good to leave to bad to stay? that is how I feel, he is a wonderful man but i think i finally got tired of his depressions, his low self steam, not knowing where he wants to go in life, not bringing enough money home, I can go on and on and on, but all those things are not that bad, he is an artist after all and I guess al artists are the same right? I do not think the problem is him, the problem it's without a doubt me. I want a man who is strong, who know what he wants, who is confident and at the same time a man who has other things that my husband has....I have been considering divorce or at least a separation for the past 5 years and I am too afraid to do anything about it. I am afraid I might end up regretting my decision because I know he is a good man. We do not even fight, but I can't stand the movies he likes, the friends he likes the kind of things he likes anymore, we do not even enjoy the same kind of food.....we have not been to counseling because he has no idea I feel this way and I have no idea how to bring it up....I am exhausted....i do not know where to begin...I see friends divorcing and instead of feeling sorry for them, I envy their strength to make the decision and move on with their lives. I should just suck it up and be thankful to have a good faithful man, have a family and stop complaining but the idea of living the same thing for the next 20 years just drives me insane.....help help help....

 

[Couleur]

My advice is:
don't have a child. It is an incredibly stressful thing to do. Wonderful, too, but the sleep deprivation magnifies everything in a relationship.
tell your husband that you want to talk honestly about your current relationship and what the future might bring. It's probably useful to have a third party (MC) involved, but you might be able to come up with a list of things that you want from life and begin talking to gain more perspective on whether he also wants to take the relationship forward.

 

[unbelievable]

You've been on the fence about even being married for half of your married life but you want to bring a child into that mess? You can't decide whether you want to be a wife but you're now certain you want to be a mom? Whether you're 35 or 50, you can still be a mom. The world is full of kids who need parenting. Fix the foundation before you start building an addition.

 

[BundleofGuilt]

Thank you Couleur and unbelievable for your posts. I know the child part is outrageous (I mean having a kid in a broken marriage) so I get your point...but how about the marriage part, how do I know if I am just being ungrateful for not appreciating what I have or if I am being reasonable in what I want from my husband?? I guess this is where MC would be beneficial....what is the best way to search for a good MC? I have not disclose my situation to any of my/our friends they think we are the perfect couple...little they know what happens behind close doors.... Actually, as far as I know my husband might think that too....i feel like a coward.

 

[Couleur]

Bundle --
I like to think that if I were in your situation I would do something like this. I would tell my husband that I want to have a talk with him and ask him to pick a time in time in the next 24 hours when you two could sit down for 15 or 30 minutes. (Really try to keep it short.)

Then I'd say something like "I love you and I want more than anything to make our marriage work, but over the past few years I am growing dissatisfied with how things are going. In fact, things got so bad that I got and read this book," then show him the "too good to leave too bad to stay. Then say while going through the questions and exercises in this book has helped me to understand more about my feelings, I realize that since there are two of us in this relationship, it is ridiculous for me to try to fix things (or to make a decision to pull the plug) without first hearing how you feel about our marriage. I realize that you probably have a lot of questions and I'm happy to answer them. I also REALLY want to hear what you think. I also hope that this conversation will be just the first in a series of conversations." And presumably, you can offer to go to a marriage counselor if he thinks it would be useful to have a moderator.

Alternatively, you could leave out the specific reference to the book, and just use what you learned from the diagnostic questions to frame your conversation. For example, you could say "I'm feeling ambivalent about our relationship. On the one hand, I find you attractive, I genuinely like you, I enjoy doing x, y and z together, and I think you are sexually a good match. But on the other hand, I feel like things have never been as good as I thought they would be, I am lacking intimacy, I worry that we do not have a shared future together."

And if you are not brave enough to have a conversation in person, then you could try writing him a letter or an email.

Also, you might try reading "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and focusing on the chapters on how to reconnect.

And, if your H is open to discussions about your relationship, read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Languages of Love" so you can talk about whether you each can fulfill each other's needs.

 

[underwater2010]

If you are even in the least bit considering a divorce...DO NOT have a baby. Your relationship is not stable enough to survive the demands a newborn/child/teen requires. If you are unhappy with him now, how are you going to feel when the burden falls on your soulders alone.

 

[deejov]

Im sorry you feel you cannot talk to your husband about this.

Sometimes, internally, we begin to focus on the things we dont like about someone or a situation. It becomes a habit.

Its also a choice. You do choose, whether you realise it or not, to hate on small things and allow that to grow.

That is not specific to one relationship or one person. Its your internal way of processing emotions. And it can put you in a terrible position down the road.

And sometimes when you talk about them, boy do they seem petty after all.

I would advise you to seek counselling, discuss this with someone, and get advice on how to talk to your husband about this.

Does he know you want children, you cannot really fairly judge how someone acts if they are basing their life on not having kids. If he knew you wanted kids, and he did as well, I would bet some changes would occur. Or you would get your answer, and be better able to judge what you really want out of life.

Please do consider seeking some advice on how to talk to your husband about this.

 

[BundleofGuilt]

Thank you for your responsens.

Couleur - I found the book online and based on the description it looks like it's right on the money...I have to figure out a way to get it w/o him noticing....or after I actually talk to him ( i really get to get the courage to do it).

Underwater - I know it's crazy but don't children help to connect a couple and make their bond stronger??? or that is just during pregnancy???? He does not even have a stable job so it's like I will be supporting the two kids the baby and my husband.

Deejov - He says he wants children because his life does not have direction and he hopes that a child will give him just that...as I write that i realize how childish our reasons are to have kids. Nothing makes my husband happy. In the past 10 years we have moved out of 4 different cities 3 different states in search of "his happiness" I manage to make things happen because he talks too much but lacks action and execution unless he is employed and told what to do. It is frustrating!!!! And every time we move to the new city and get settle down, then he quickly gets anxious to look for something else, and something new. I like change as much as he does, but I am happy in the process he is always miserable and I feel like I have to be his cheerleader all the time...and when I need a cheerleader he just adds to the "negativity" again he is a good man, with a big heart, generous and has a loving family. He helps around the house and even though he does not bring an stable paycheck he does not get into debt either...so I realize he has great qualities, but I guess over the years the little things just seem to gain more and more importance to the point of making unbearable the simplest situations....like watching a movie...I gotta say, just writing about this makes me feel better already...

 

[Hope1964]

No, children do NOT bring couples closer together. They are loud, smelly, needy, they keep you up at night, they cost WAY more than you can afford, they never listen, and as they get older they give you grey hair, ulcers, and a drinking problem. DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH THIS GUY.

My suggestion is to get yourself into some counseling, pronto. You won't be happy no matter what you do unless you start NOW to work on yourself and fix yourself and LOVE yourself.

 

[BundleofGuilt]

Thank you Hope1964 - I was really under the impression that once a couple has a child there is a bond hard to break...I guess I am wrong..

 

[animal 2011]

Hi Bundle of guilt, I also feel like a bundle of guilt. I am 35 and in a relationship for the past 8 years and dont know if I want to continue it or not. Im freaking out about my age and the ticking clock and feel ive wasted my youth. I am so sad and lost , especially at the thought of leaving him and then where do I go? I dont know what to do. You are not alone.

 

[BundleofGuilt]

Animal2011, do you guys have kids? how long have you been feeling that way....it's good to know that I am not alone because it is hard to talk to people about this considering 99% of my friends are "our" friends so that would not be appropriate...I think.

I am afraid of ending up alone...I never had the desire of having kids, but now that I find myself in this situation is like I think ...well, what if I end the marriage, then after a year i really want to have a kid then I am going to be one of those women just looking for a man to have a kid and I am afraid of that, I am afraid of being judged, I am afraid of having the stigma of a divorced woman with out kids who ended up alone...so that is where the absurd idea of having a kid before ending the marriage came about. I thought to myself, well, i can have the kid divorce and then if I end up alone then that is fine, i just don't want to be wondering in a couple of years what if.... I have never cheated on my husband but the past five years of our marriage I have been "craving" attention from men, and I get it but of course I don't act on it...i just enjoy that and I feel terrible about that...and I wonder if that is normal or if that is because I think turning 35 is such a big deal...it's like I need to get validation that I am still attractive...please do not judge me...as I write my thoughts i realize how vain they are, but I can't help it...that is how I feel.

Do you feel that at all?

 

[BridgetJones]

Bundle, I am in similar situation. Actually, I have audio book of the book you are talking about. I was hoping to find my answer in it.

I am 30, no kids and married for 10 years. I was thinking about having a child because I feel I want them but I can't in this situation. I don't know what I feel for my husband anymore. We are like roomates who fight constantly. We live in another country, I have no family or friends around except those who I made here. But, it is not same. I feel lost and lonely. So, I know how you feel.

 

[BundleofGuilt]

BridgetJones we are also far from friends and family...so that definitely does not help at all...haw long have you been feeling that way? I was trying to find explanation behind my feelings and the more I look into it the more confused I get. I do not even fight with my husband...he is a good "roommate" but the kind of friends we like the kind of activities we each enjoy, movies, etc etc are differ. He loves to be around people, family but I am the opposite, I am very independent I like to spend time with people but people who I can learn from, people interesting ....to me it's not only about hanging out it is about taking advantage of time but he sees life very differently...
I keep reading posts in this board and i can relate to so many of the things people share...but I do not think I will have the courage to do anything until early next year....just kind of let the holiday season come and go...and then pull the plug...maybe that is worse...only time will tell.

 

[animal 2011]

Hi bundle. We do not have kids. He has 3 from a previous marriage so that takes up all his time. There's not much left for me. I am also freaking out about turning 35 this month and my looks fading fast. I can't bear another 2 years or 5 years in this same situation. Then I'll really be regretful because I'll be even older and still unhappy. I love him dearly but I'm unhappy and have been the entire 8 years. I have told.him all along and lately he just wants answers. He wants to know if I'm staying or going. I can't deal with the pain and loss of him and the breakup but I can't stand to lose more our time. I get so worked up emotionally about it all.
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[animal 2011]

Also, it sounds like if you've been moving so many times in search of his happiness, he isn't happy either. He may feel the way you do. You really should tell him you need a heart to heart and you dont know where to go from here because you've been doubting the relationship for the past few years. Ask him if he has had similar feelings. He should know so he can have an informed decision as to if he even wants you if you are unhappy with him.
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[BridgetJones]

BridgetJones we are also far from friends and family...so that definitely does not help at all...haw long have you been feeling that way? I was trying to find explanation behind my feelings and the more I look into it the more confused I get. I do not even fight with my husband...he is a good "roommate" but the kind of friends we like the kind of activities we each enjoy, movies, etc etc are differ. He loves to be around people, family but I am the opposite, I am very independent I like to spend time with people but people who I can learn from, people interesting ....to me it's not only about hanging out it is about taking advantage of time but he sees life very differently...
I keep reading posts in this board and i can relate to so many of the things people share...but I do not think I will have the courage to do anything until early next year....just kind of let the holiday season come and go...and then pull the plug...maybe that is worse...only time will tell.

Bundle, I have been feeling this way for years now. I kind of questioned myself before, but...Yesterday I read my old emails to my friend about my marriage. They were from 2005 - 2007, same feelings, same thoughts. Nothing has changed, it only got worse. Feel so trapped like never. And reading my own words from 7 years ago just made me cry.

 

[BundleofGuilt]

Animal - Do you think about having babies? is it an issue at all in this whole process?

 

[animal 2011]

Yes, I'm thinking about kids. I worry bc I'm only getting older. This weekend, we are supposed to go celebrate Halloween together, then my bday after that. And I'm in so much grief because I know after all these years of being indecisive, that I just don't want to marry him. I'm so sad because years ago, I had these same feelings and we are still in this situation where I can't commit and I'm on the verge of leaving. I'm so depressed that I couldn't just happily marry him.
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[animal 2011]

Don't know when to talk about this with him. All I do is lay around, feeling like I'm wasting our time, and cry.
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