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I get what you’re saying but it’s not even near a huge leap because you know just as well it’s usually an affair you know that... and by the way everything I told him to just make sure she’s either in one or not in one.! These are steps he needs to take to make sure either way.!
 

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Discussion Starter #22
She hs her own money. Im trying to free somemore up for her at the moment as she does complain about this. I dont think she would have time for an affair. I only control the credit cards as she cant be trusted as before she has caused us big problems which we are close to getting out of. But i have said to her get a credit card yourself if it bothers you that much.
Every weekend we try to get out with the kids somewhere. We rarely stay at home a full day. We dont have a great support around us. Were on our own most of the time.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
We have to do our hobbies apart. As one has to look after the children. We both run regular. She hates my hobbies not interested one bit. She doesnt have any. All she wants to do is go shopping and go on holiday
 

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Discussion Starter #24
Which to me is just a short high which masking a problem. I recieved some inheritence recently amd i spent most of it clearing her debts. But i got the inpression she resents me for spending it on that. But then she moans she has to spend her money on bills.
 

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Which to me is just a short high which masking a problem. I recieved some inheritence recently amd i spent most of it clearing her debts. But i got the inpression she resents me for spending it on that. But then she moans she has to spend her money on bills.
You my man are being used. And no, it is not a leap to wonder is she is having an affair.

Do you understand that you are being a paycheck and a doormat for her?

Have you read what everyone is writing to you?

You need to make sure she is not having an affair, even if she is not, you have to man up and put a stop to her behavior or get out of this so called marriage...
 

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It seems you have to be her father since she can't control herself impulses. No one wants to have intimacy with their parents, they want to revolt.

Have you started any of the suggested reads?
 

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I really hope this is not an affair but the timing and a lot of the red flags and warning signs are there frankly. It's interesting that two phrases that are used here are two of the most common phrases used by the wayward and the betrayed spouse.

- Her saying you are not compatible. Heard that one many times, including in my own situation. It's used as justification in the mind of the spouse that has found someone else that IS compatible.
- You saying she doesn't have enough time to do so, that is probably the #1 most used phrased of potential betrayed spouses, especially here, if you read the stories of how people come here to get help and have issues but don't really think it's an affair.

Again, hope it's not an affair because if it's not the uphill battle you are facing is workable with dedication, time and the willingness on her part to work through it as well. If there is an affair, there's absolutely nothing you can do that will be seen as a positive in their minds, it's crazy, it really is but the person we knew for so long, once in the 'fog' of the affair, becomes a completely different person and someone who will see you as an annoyance in their life at best and at worst a flat out enemy on the path to their own perceived 'happiness'.
 

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Discussion Starter #29
Yeh it makes me very sad. She is bored and is seeking others attention i have noticed but she is always at home after school run and no matter how much i try to persuade her she wont go out in the evenings. She is on her phone a lot and i have looked at her phone. She is talking to her friends arranging days nights out etc as far as i can read.
 

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Just because she is low drive doesn't mean you give up trying. That's the worst thing you can do. Is she cool with you supplementing your needs with masturbation? Is there something that would get her fires burning that she's embarrassed to say? My first advice is DON'T quit trying. Even if you get shot down 9 times out of 10 it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, and at least you'll get laid that 10th time. My wife and I get it on usually every weekend. We're very busy during the week. I have a high drive. I'd LOVE to get busy with her 2-3 times per day. She'd love to be more of a once per month type of girl. We've discussed it and we compromise. We're less busy on the weekends so I know every Saturday and Sunday morning I'm getting laid. The other days of the week I "handle" my needs myself. It works for us. Talk with her and work out a compromise. Successful marriages require a lot of compromising from both people. I've been married for going on 32 years to the love of my life. We've both probably compromised on something 10,000 times during that period.
 

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Discussion Starter #32
A nice house and car. Go abroad once a year. 3 lovely well behaved children most of the time. ( all parenting is hard at times.) husband who is 100% dedicated to his family and would always put them first and does 50% of the chores. And takes the kids out on his own to give her a break most weekends. I try hard to keep our debt down to a minimum so cant always go out on exspensive trips to big parks etc. Always take her out for her birthday and anniversary and christmas. Had to get a sitter most months. I Guess im asking am i a **** Husband?
 

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A nice house and car. Go abroad once a year. 3 lovely well behaved children most of the time. ( all parenting is hard at times.) husband who is 100% dedicated to his family and would always put them first and does 50% of the chores. And takes the kids out on his own to give her a break most weekends. I try hard to keep our debt down to a minimum so cant always go out on exspensive trips to big parks etc. Always take her out for her birthday and anniversary and christmas. Had to get a sitter most months. I Guess im asking am i a **** Husband?
No you are not a **** husband, but there are many things that you do not understand.

You placating her, and taking her abuse, and coddling her is the very worst thing that you could possibly be doing in your situation. You are showing her that 1) she has no need to have sex with you because you will not do anything about it, 2) Your weakness and your ass kissing of her makes her have even less respect for you if she ever had any at all, 3) If she is having an affair, she really does not care, if you found out she is convinced that you would not divorce her because you are weak and needy.

As to her not having enough time, that is just silly. Does she work? If she does all they need a 15 minutes and a broom closet.

Does she ever travel without you? Another possibility. Does she have girls night out? A third possibility.

Her behavior is EXACTLY like a lot of wayward wives that are actively sleeping around. If you have not checked to online phone bill, then you have no idea if she is having an affair or not.

Like others have said, what ever is going on, you need to wake up and man up...
 

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Discussion Starter #35
Yeh she works 30 hrs a week. Yes she goes out with her friends. I dont let her push me around. I do fight back. I dont want to pressure her into sex if she doesnt want to do it. I just want to know why she doesnt make the effort apart from the obveously. Im going to ask her straight out what the problem is!
 

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Because she isn't attracted to you anymore and she is bored. You just dont do it for her anymore... she is also probably on the selfish end of the spectrum. Regardless, doing chores and being a nice guy doesn't get you laid. Get a gym membership. Lift. Change things up, get her hamster wheel spinning. Don't be afraid to tell her no.

The flipside of lack of sex is she found someone else to take that role. If that's the case do all that stuff to prepare for life after divorce.
 

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I don't know if she's having an affair or just not attracted to you, but it really doesn't matter much because the end result is the same that she doesn't want to be with you. The reason some people are pushing the thought of an affair is because it's common and can cause the problems you are seeing, although other things can as well. The advice to investigate into an affair is because you'll have an easier time deciding how you want to address the situation if you actually know what it is than if you are just guessing as to what you are dealing with.

If you read the book The Married Man's Sex Life Primer there is a line in there that goes something like "if she says you're boring it means she's whoring". This of course happens because a stable marriage is not exciting compared to an illicit affair. Again, I don't know if she's cheating but I just want you to understand where the advice to secretly investigate is coming from.

The best thing you can do when you are in an unsatisfying marriage is to advocate for yourself, develop boundaries, and not tolerate being treated poorly. You only live one life so don't settle for being unhappy. That doesn't mean go ahead and divorce any time there is a problem, but rather deal with the problem by addressing it in a manner you are satisfied with. For some things you can talk and reach a solution, but other things could require terminating the marriage. Whatever you do just realize that you are the only person that has to live with your decisions and that no one is going to advocate for our needs/happiness other than you.
 

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Yeh she works 30 hrs a week. Yes she goes out with her friends. I dont let her push me around. I do fight back. I dont want to pressure her into sex if she doesnt want to do it. I just want to know why she doesnt make the effort apart from the obveously.

Im going to ask her straight out what the problem is!
What makes you think you going to get any more of an answer than shes already expressed?

If you're that resistant to finding another way, I wish you luck with that path.

The answer is within yourself, not her!

Best
 

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I am NOT jumping on the bandwagon of an affair, but since this all seems new to you:
"She is on her phone a lot and i have looked at her phone. She is talking to her friends arranging days nights out etc as far as i can read.
"

She could VERY EASILY be talking to a guy, and that number is stored under a woman's name.
Girls nights out are a very common way for someone to have an affair -- could just be a bunch of one-night stands.

Again, we are just trying to open your eyes to possibilities here. Things you have said about your wife HAVE turned out to be affairs on many of the stories here, even when the BS says they would have no time to do it....

One thing -- IF YOU DO INVESTIGATE, and you DO find something, do NOT CONFRONT her with anything you find until you are 100% sure and have all of the evidence stored safely away where she can't destroy it.
 
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