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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been together since 2005, and we got married (only registered without the ceremony) in Jan 2011. I had arguments, fights like every couples. We had argument and fights on Skype when we're long distance. He has resentment for that. Ever since we got married, our situation started going downwards. He didn't like the reason we got married, because that's the only way for us to be together, otherwise we have to be separated in 2 different countries for.......we didn't know for how long, could be years. He will dredge up the past every time we argue. When I just moved back here, I couldn't find a job. He complained either I couldn't find a job to contribute to the family, or I didn't start my own business. I found a position in clothing store, but he made me quit after few months, because he was ashamed of me working in a clothing store.

Now I found a job at real estate agency, going to have my license soon. He complains that I work too much. He complains I only care about myself, my career, do not put enough attention on him. He asked me few times to quit my job and stay at home instead. I refused, of course, because he constantly saying that he pays for everything, he pays for the family. He said the money I make is like a joke. I feel I cannot depend on him, he is not reliable at all, because he is so moody. When we do argue, he says he loves me so much, would do anything for me, would take great care of me...... and the most horrible things will come out of his mouth when he is angry at me.

He calls me names, wh*re, pure stupidity, idiot, my brain is full of sh*t, never met anyone so stupid like me, didn't know what stupidity is until he met me. His parent's maid who doesn't speak English and uneducated is smarter than me. He asked me to have my brain checked, because he thinks I am mentally deficient. He complains that I don't have thoughts. He complains I do not talk a lot when we hang out with his friends. He yells at me VERY LOUD as soon as I say something that doesn't match what he wants to hear. He yells at me as soon as I don't form grammatical sentences. English is my second language. I started learning English when I was 21. I had my bachelor degree in Accounting, second bachelor degree in Economic & International Development. I had MBA degree as well. He is 31 years old, he has not complete his bachelor degree yet. Well, he is very smart. He is straight As student. He has read many books on all different subjects.

I feel being judged when we have different opinions. He thinks I am too simple. He implies I am not at his intelligent level. He said he is ashamed to have me when we hang out with his friends, because everything comes out of my mouth is idiotic. My opinions has no depth, too simple. Or my opinions just don't make any sense compare to his or his friends. He, basically, belittles me all the time.

When we fight and argue, he always tells me I should find some one from my level, we don't belong to each other, I don't care about him enough to change, I only care about myself and do whatever I want to do, I don't think anything and do anything to make him happy. He calls me selfish *****. I am wasting his time, his brain. Every time we argue, he will say he is going to divorce me, we are through. Eventually, I fed up with this. I agreed to file divorce. The next day, he initiated the conversation and started to manipulating me and blaming I caused all the problems and argument, but he will not divorce me because he is being nice and doesn't just want to leave me all alone in this country. He will say he will never divorce me and never leave me in the good days.

He will yell at me with nasty words, disgusting names, couldn't be meaner things with no respect at all.

I am not living in a normal life. I don't understand why he behave like a person who has double personalities, a person who has some kind of mood/temper control disorder.

I don't know what to do. I love him dearly, that's why I left my super comfortable, great life in my own country to be with him. But I certainly do not want to live my life this way. I don't want to have conversation with him, actually, don't really know what to say anymore, because I am afraid that I will say something stupid or has grammar errors. I am afraid my opinions are not intelligent enough.

I completely lost my self confidence because of him constantly putting me down, blames me for everything, he is the Mr. Perfect, I am the pure stupidity, amazingly foolish.

Is his behavior verbal abuse? Does he have double personalities? Does he have personality disorder? What is it ?
 

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My husband and I have been together since 2005, and we got married (only registered without the ceremony) in Jan 2011. I had arguments, fights like every couples. We had argument and fights on Skype when we're long distance. He has resentment for that. Ever since we got married, our situation started going downwards. He didn't like the reason we got married, because that's the only way for us to be together, otherwise we have to be separated in 2 different countries for.......we didn't know for how long, could be years. He will dredge up the past every time we argue. When I just moved back here, I couldn't find a job. He complained either I couldn't find a job to contribute to the family, or I didn't start my own business. I found a position in clothing store, but he made me quit after few months, because he was ashamed of me working in a clothing store.

Now I found a job at real estate agency, going to have my license soon. He complains that I work too much. He complains I only care about myself, my career, do not put enough attention on him. He asked me few times to quit my job and stay at home instead. I refused, of course, because he constantly saying that he pays for everything, he pays for the family. He said the money I make is like a joke. I feel I cannot depend on him, he is not reliable at all, because he is so moody. When we do argue, he says he loves me so much, would do anything for me, would take great care of me...... and the most horrible things will come out of his mouth when he is angry at me.

He calls me names, wh*re, pure stupidity, idiot, my brain is full of sh*t, never met anyone so stupid like me, didn't know what stupidity is until he met me. His parent's maid who doesn't speak English and uneducated is smarter than me. He asked me to have my brain checked, because he thinks I am mentally deficient. He complains that I don't have thoughts. He complains I do not talk a lot when we hang out with his friends. He yells at me VERY LOUD as soon as I say something that doesn't match what he wants to hear. He yells at me as soon as I don't form grammatical sentences. English is my second language. I started learning English when I was 21. I had my bachelor degree in Accounting, second bachelor degree in Economic & International Development. I had MBA degree as well. He is 31 years old, he has not complete his bachelor degree yet. Well, he is very smart. He is straight As student. He has read many books on all different subjects.

I feel being judged when we have different opinions. He thinks I am too simple. He implies I am not at his intelligent level. He said he is ashamed to have me when we hang out with his friends, because everything comes out of my mouth is idiotic. My opinions has no depth, too simple. Or my opinions just don't make any sense compare to his or his friends. He, basically, belittles me all the time.

When we fight and argue, he always tells me I should find some one from my level, we don't belong to each other, I don't care about him enough to change, I only care about myself and do whatever I want to do, I don't think anything and do anything to make him happy. He calls me selfish *****. I am wasting his time, his brain. Every time we argue, he will say he is going to divorce me, we are through. Eventually, I fed up with this. I agreed to file divorce. The next day, he initiated the conversation and started to manipulating me and blaming I caused all the problems and argument, but he will not divorce me because he is being nice and doesn't just want to leave me all alone in this country. He will say he will never divorce me and never leave me in the good days.

He will yell at me with nasty words, disgusting names, couldn't be meaner things with no respect at all.

I am not living in a normal life. I don't understand why he behave like a person who has double personalities, a person who has some kind of mood/temper control disorder.

I don't know what to do. I love him dearly, that's why I left my super comfortable, great life in my own country to be with him. But I certainly do not want to live my life this way. I don't want to have conversation with him, actually, don't really know what to say anymore, because I am afraid that I will say something stupid or has grammar errors. I am afraid my opinions are not intelligent enough.

I completely lost my self confidence because of him constantly putting me down, blames me for everything, he is the Mr. Perfect, I am the pure stupidity, amazingly foolish.

Is his behavior verbal abuse? Does he have double personalities? Does he have personality disorder? What is it ?
It is definitely verbal (and emotional) abuse. He sounds very controlling and manipulative. I am so sorry you are going through this, I hope you find the strength to get out of your situation. If not get out of your situation, have him to agree to seek counseling. If you love him and if he loves you, then he will do whatever it takes to fix what is broken. I will say a little prayer for you.
 

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Leave him. He will not seek counseling until you do. I'm guessing you've told him 100 times how his behavior hurts, right? (I didn't read the whole post. I got the message about 1/2 way through). But he doesn't change does he. No abuser does until he see's concrete consequences for his behavior. He won't change until his world crashes. Crash his world.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
The thing is, he denies it's his problem. He said it is me, because of lack of consideration of me, because of I am immature, because of I am do not use my brain to make this marriage work, because of I do not listen to him, because I do not do what he asks me to do, because I am stupid, because I am selfish ***** who only think of myself, never consider him and us. It is all my fault to make him miserable, make this marriage became a nightmare.
He does not think he has anything to do with it. He thinks he is perfect. He thinks he has done everything right, and being a super considerate husband.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
What and how should I tell him to seek help? When I suggested him to see marriage counseling, and I told him the words he said hurts me tremendously, he told me to f* myself.
 

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What and how should I tell him to seek help?
"I'm leaving you. Once you fix yourself, give me a call." Then leave. It's that simple (and hard).

I was an abusive husband. I knew I was an abusive husband and I NEVER did anything about it. There were NEVER any serious consequences for my actions. Then I found out that my wife checked out of my marriage because of it. I changed immediately (too late, she was already gone, never to come back).

You have to leave him. There's no other way. No kids? You have NO IDEA how lucky you are.
 

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He's an abuser. He claims you're an *******. I'm not really sure why leaving is such a hard option for you.
 

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I'm in complete agreement with the others on this matter. Please do yourself a favor and get out of this marriage. Your husband is not only being disrespectful of you, he's very emotionally manipulative and controlling. From the behavior that you describe, things are not going to change unless you do something drastic. Be happy that there are not kids involved and start looking towards a new life without this person.
 

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I don't understand why he behave like a person who has double personalities. ...Does he have double personalities?
Pursuit, nobody on this forum can diagnose your H's issues. I can say, however, that the behaviors you describe are not consistent with the symptoms listed for multiple personality disorder (i.e., Dissociative PD), which is very rare. Rather, what you describe sounds much more like "black-white thinking," which is the type of all-or-nothing thinking commonly seen in people who have strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline PD).
He says he loves me so much, would do anything for me, would take great care of me...... and the most horrible things will come out of his mouth when he is angry at me.
This behavior is a good example of black-white thinking. My BPDer exW did the same thing. It occurs because, when a person suffers strong NPD or BPD traits, he will be very uncomfortable with uncertainties, ambiguities, and grey areas. This behavior will be especially evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you never" and "you always."

It also will be evident in the way a person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and, in only ten seconds, will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor infraction or comment. With NPDers and BPDers (i.e., those having strong traits of NPD or BPD), you never know what small thing will trigger them into recategorizing you.
Does he have personality disorder? What is it ?
Only a professional can determine whether his NPD or BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having a full blown PD. Yet, it is important to keep in mind that NPD and BPD are "spectrum disorders," which means that we all have them to some degree.

That is, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the NPD and BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is emotionally healthy. Moreover, even when those traits fall well short of the diagnostic level for "having a PD," they can be sufficiently strong to undermine a marriage and destroy LTRs.

Further, it is not difficult -- after you've been living with a man for 7 years -- to spot strong occurrences of those traits (i.e., the red flags) if you will take time to learn what warning signs you should be looking for. The red flags are not hard to spot because there is nothing subtle about PD traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, always being "Mr. Perfect," always being "The Victim," and black-white thinking.
Is he a person who has some kind of mood/temper control disorder?
When drug abuse and hormone changes are not an issue, the two most common causes of mood and anger issues are bipolar disorder and BPD. As I explained, nobody on this forum can tell you whether he has a full-blown disorder.

What I can say, however, is that the behaviors you describe are more consistent with the symptoms for BPD and NPD, not bipolar disorder. For a list of 12 differences between the classic traits of BPD and those of bipolar, see my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/59344-confused.html#post1175425.
Ever since we got married, our situation started going downwards.
It is common, when one marries a person having strong NPD or BPD traits, for the courtship period to be wonderful and passionate and then -- shortly after the marriage ceremony is over -- for the relationship and great sex to go off a cliff.
He didn't like the reason we got married, because that's the only way for us to be together.
If your H actually does exhibit strong NPD or BPD traits, your relationship was going over the cliff -- and his unhappiness was certain to return -- no matter WHAT you did or WHEN you held the wedding. Hence, if he hadn't blamed you for the circumstantial need to marry suddenly, he would have blamed you for one of a thousand other reasons.
He will dredge up the past every time we argue.
This is called "kitchen sinking" because, while you are having an argument with him, he will complain about every past infraction or grievance against you, including the kitchen sink. When NPDers and BPDers are unhappy -- which they are much of the time -- they don't blame themselves. They will be convinced their spouse is to blame for their unhappiness because they believe they are "The Victim," always "The Victim."

To "validate" that false self image, they will keep a meticulous mental record of every misdeed or mistake (real or imagined) that you ever did. And that full list will be pulled out in nearly every argument -- no matter how small and petty the issue -- so as to validate their victim status. The result is that, while you are attempting to have a rational discussion about one issue, they will pull out an entire list of grievances, falsely claiming that they are all related.
he made me quit after few months, because he was ashamed of me working in a clothing store.
If he has strong NPD traits, he is very sensitive to appearances and how other people perceive him.
He calls me names, wh*re, pure stupidity, idiot, my brain is full of sh*t, ...Is his behavior verbal abuse?
Does the sun rise in the East and set in the West?
I completely lost my self confidence ... he is the Mr. Perfect, I am the pure stupidity, amazingly foolish.
If you are living with an NPDer or BPDer, consider yourself lucky if you are only feeling foolish and stupid. Living under those toxic circumstances is so utterly confusing and disorienting that it is common for the abused spouses to run to a therapist to find out if they are losing their minds. For that reason, therapists see far more abused spouses seeking therapy -- to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the NPDers and BPDers.
I don't know what to do.
I join all the other respondents in recommending that you leave him because he is unwilling to confront his issues and learn how to manage them. You cannot fix him. I therefore suggest you walk away and focus on your own healing.

Yet, if you still are unable or unwilling to do that, I suggest you obtain more information so you can better understand that, by staying, you likely are harming him (through your enabling behaviors) as well as yourself. To that end, I join other members in suggesting that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.

I also suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you read Kathy's overview of classic NPD traits at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It and my overview of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If either of those descriptions rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Pursuit.
 

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Uptown's post spells it out very well. I agree with every word.

You've married an abusive man who does not respect you, who feels entitled to dictate when and how you should work, and punishes you for doing exactly what he said. What do you honestly think will happen with someone like this?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Pursuit, nobody on this forum can diagnose your H's issues. I can say, however, that the behaviors you describe are not consistent with the symptoms listed for multiple personality disorder (i.e., Dissociative PD), which is very rare. Rather, what you describe sounds much more like "black-white thinking," which is the type of all-or-nothing thinking commonly seen in people who have strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline PD).This behavior is a good example of black-white thinking. My BPDer exW did the same thing. It occurs because, when a person suffers strong NPD or BPD traits, he will be very uncomfortable with uncertainties, ambiguities, and grey areas. This behavior will be especially evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you never" and "you always."

Thank you very much for this such informative, detailed post. I will read the articles you linked. I will also have to read this post one more time.
I also thank everyone else to posted their opinions here to help me.

As I am typing the post, my husband has been giving me the silence treatment since last night. He doesn't look at me, he doesn't talk to me, he has been sitting in the office, eating int he office and working on his computer all night. He ate the dinner I made. He slept on the couch last night, and sleeping on the couch now.

Even if I decided to leave him, I cannot just move out immediately. What should I do now? Should I talk to him like normal, daily stuff? This is so frustrating and resentful with the silence treatment he gives me every time he lashed out on me. Every time!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
He's an abuser. He claims you're an *******. I'm not really sure why leaving is such a hard option for you.
How did you realize that you're abusive, if you don't mind I ask? I wish my husband could even give a thought that maybe he needs to get checked, to talk to someone professional.

Why leaving is such a hard option? We have been together for about 9 years. How could you leave a 9 years relationship easily? I wish I love him less, so I can just leave without looking back.

How did you changed yourself? Do you think you can tell me the methods you used, so I can at least give a try to help my husband. He doesn't seem happy when he is in BPD mode.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
OP, you are in an abusive relationship and the only way things will get better is by you leaving. Here's a link that might be of use to you:- Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

The longer you are in this relationship, the more difficult it will be for you to leave.
Thanks for your post, Cosmos.
I understand that I need and should leave at this point. Like MrK said I am so lucky that we have no children involved. It should be much easier for me to leave the marriage. However, 9 years relationship and the calm /nice /normal side of my husband make the leaving really hard.
 

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You are in an incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. To be honest, I don't think counseling will help.... Abuse is about maintaining power and control in a relationship, and it doesn't sound like he would give those things up. A true marriage is a partnership; yours is not. Seriously... Get out now.

FTR... I was in a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive marriage for 11 years. I left in April, and we are now getting divorced. You deserve to be loved properly and treated with respect. Please seek help... There should be an organization near you that can help. Stay strong; there is so much more out there for you.
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Thanks for your post, Cosmos.
I understand that I need and should leave at this point. Like MrK said I am so lucky that we have no children involved. It should be much easier for me to leave the marriage. However, 9 years relationship and the calm /nice /normal side of my husband make the leaving really hard.
I'm sure it must be hard to leave a 9 year relationship, OP... How far into the relationship was it before he started showing this side of himself? This sort of thing only tends to rear its ugly head when the abusive party feels comfortable enough to let it - which is around the time they've managed to isolate the other party from family and friends. His behaviour regarding your work is classic isolation / control tactics.
 
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