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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Actual conversation today:

Me: Do you know it has been 5 months since we had sex and over a year since you gave me oral sex?
Him: Oral sex was more like 6 or 7 months.

My jaw just dropped. Apparently correcting me was more important than hearing my message. Nothing more to say to him really.

I can't divorce him (health insurance) but yes, I will become one of those women who cheats. Frankly, he deserves it. I want love and affection and he doesn't care about sex with me, so why the hell should I care about being faithful? He made a vow to me to be my husband and my sole sexual provider and he decided on his own accord to break those vows, so tell me again why "cheating" on him would be worse? I guess I am not the cheating type or I wouldn't be asking the question. [email protected]
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I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation and have been married for 13 years now but no kids yet. We got married young in our 20's. I've had opportunities to cheat on my wife with hot women that want crazy sex. I stay home after work for the most part, no bars, pubs, beach and I even let my wife cut my hair. I could of cheated on her with a co-workers female party friend a few years ago and this women in her 20's was hot!!! She even told me, I won't say anything, your wife doesn't have to know, lets go!!!! I left after the real party began, actually high tailed it out of there because I would of. I told my wife later and she got mad and no sex for a month or two but I didn't do anything. What a joke, right?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Why does heath insurance come into the equation?
I have breast cancer but am in remission. We have private insurance but no way could I afford the rate on my own and no company will insure a person with cancer if I wanted to get different insurance, I've checked.
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation and have been married for 13 years now but no kids yet. We got married young in our 20's. I've had opportunities to cheat on my wife with hot women that want crazy sex. I stay home after work for the most part, no bars, pubs, beach and I even let my wife cut my hair. I could of cheated on her with a co-workers female party friend a few years ago and this women in her 20's was hot!!! She even told me, I won't say anything, your wife doesn't have to know, lets go!!!! I left after the real party began, actually high tailed it out of there because I would of. I told my wife later and she got mad and no sex for a month or two but I didn't do anything. What a joke, right?
No kids? Get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to think it was okay that he never wanted sex. Now? I am a shell of who I used to be, literally. Look at my user name. He gave me that name, Bright Eyes, when we were dating. He hasn't called me that in years and wonders why I am sad and doesn't see those sparkly eyes anymore. Rejection does that to you, especially from the person you loved.
Get out, just [email protected] run. Don't waste your life. I wasted 19 years on this guy and now with my illness I realize how short life is. Get out Cuddlebug. There are plenty of women out there who will love you, plenty.
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Therealbrighteyes-so your husband will not divorce you after he finds out about the affair?then you might lose your insurance. I also think you have some serious reservations since you came here and you know what most are going to say.
I will also say I have almost died twice and most people do realizes how fast things can be over and they think they have all the time in the world.I say 50/50 because it would be great if you and your husband worked things out but you need to live after almost dying and enjoy every day..


CuddleBug-not sure what you are thinking,13 years of your life just gone with somebody that does not really want you.The Vows are not for a life sentence of hell,they are vows to love each other and respect each other mutally.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
Therealbrighteyes-so your husband will not divorce you after he finds out about the affair?then you might lose your insurance. I also think you have some serious reservations since you came here and you know what most are going to say.



CuddleBug-not sure what you are thinking,13 years of your life just gone with somebody that does not really want you.The Vows are not for a life sentence of hell,they are vows to love each other and respect each other mutally.
First off, I have not had any affair. None. Not at all. If I did, I don't know what will happen. My point to all this is he decided sex was off the table, so why should I suffer? Let's say he decided one day to become vegan, should he be upset if I eat a hamburger? I guess this opens up a larger question, if sex doesn't matter to one partner, then why is having sex with somebody else seen as such as huge deal? It is selfish to deny a spouse and then vilify them for wanting it elsewhere. Hell, did you read his response? Does that sound like a man who cares an ounce about my sex life?
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[I AM going to cheat] I did not say you had an affair,I am going off what you said you might do.

[You said you have to stay because of the insurance ]so why tell you to go,I would tell you get out NOW also but you said you need the insurance and I don't know you at all but I want you to have a long healthy life.
 

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I also don't think one person in a relatioinship should decide there should be no more sex,I totally agree with you.I have said many times on boards why would a person who does something like that not expect thir partner to find somebody else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I also don't think one person in a relatioinship should decide there should be no more sex,I totally agree with you.I have said many times on boards why would a person who does something like that not expect thir partner to find somebody else.
Thank you for your kind response. In this post, I cannot agree with you more.

Just to make sure I understand all the deniers out there, you won't have sex or show affection and yet you would be upset if somebody else did? So it is such a crushing issue that divorce would happen but not enough of a motivator to get your ass in gear to provide such comfort? Yup, it's terribly important to you. In other words, it doesn't matter at all, unless somebody else is in the picture. At that point, it's really only about the hit to your ego and not about the sexual needs of your partner being met.
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I have breast cancer but am in remission. We have private insurance but no way could I afford the rate on my own and no company will insure a person with cancer if I wanted to get different insurance, I've checked.
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I am sorry to hear that and wish you well. Staying for insurance is something unheard of in Australia which is why I asked.
 

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I'm sorry TRBE

Have you asked him to go to counselling? Or given him an ultimatum?

Once you are in remission will you think about leaving?


I can't say I blame you. Honestly I don't think cheating is the answer unless you have exhausted all avenues, and generally I think someone should leave, but obviously it's not all ways cut and dry.

It is truly torturous for someone not to show you the affection and sexual attention you deserve.

If you can find a way to leave please do it, because as you said, life is way too short.

You deserve so much better.
 

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From what I have ready from many boards since this issues is every where is that many people will not change until the divorce papers are in their partners hands.These are people that had tried everything to get things right.
 

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Is there something wrong with him medically?
I don't want to rub it in but I'm horny as heck and I'm mid 50's.
Could he be meeting his needs elsewhere?

Why does he want to be married to you?
Are you just a trophy wife he can show off at functions?
I just do not understand how a man can not want to make love to his wife at every oppo rtunity
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 · (Edited)
I'm sorry TRBE

Have you asked him to go to counselling? Or given him an ultimatum?

Once you are in remission will you think about leaving?


I can't say I blame you. Honestly I don't think cheating is the answer unless you have exhausted all avenues, and generally I think someone should leave, but obviously it's not all ways cut and dry.

It is truly torturous for someone not to show you the affection and sexual attention you deserve.

If you can find a way to leave please do it, because as you said, life is way too short.

You deserve so much better.
We have been to counseling. It started out great but returned to "normal". I am in remission so that is a huge plus. I think about leaving every day. Even more so after Thanksgiving when he waited nearly hand and foot on his mother. Oh, his father was here too but he managed to make sure his mother was taken care of. Whatever she wanted, she got. I'm the "pal" who got the high five for making a kick ass turkey. He touched my feet on Sunday, when we were all watching a movie and I moved them away. I couldn't stand to be touched by him. I doubt I will ever want to be touched by him again. He makes me sick.

I will try not to generalize but here goes: when you treat your wife like a business partner and show that your priorities are elsewhere, take for granted the love you have, "listen" to her while checking your email, not look her in the eye while talking and show that everybody else in the world matters, you will not have a wife who ever wants to touch you again. I often read here about men who say they do everything but I doubt it. My husband would literally tell you he does it all. He doesn't. He does what is the most passive thing possible. I do the heavy lifting.

As I said, if I did decide to cheat, he deserves it. Horrible thing to say. The only thing keeping me from it is my own integrity and self worth. It sure isn't him.
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TRBE:

I feel for you, I truly do. A spouse who UNILATERALLY removes sex from the marriage for no good reason (medical) has MADE his/her choice and MUST expect the consequences. In a case like this, I, personally, would see NOTHING WRONG with the dissatisfied spouse seeking sexual relief/fulfillment elsewhere.

  • You are stuck in the marriage due to forces beyond your control (unaffordable health care costs for a long-term illness)
  • Your H refuses to have sex with you EVEN AFTER you've discussed the problem with him AND been to therapy in an effort to resolve the problem
  • You are only CHEATING (in MY opinion) if you are witholding something from your spouse that s/he wants or values and you are giving it to someone else instead. That is clearly NOT THE CASE here. He DOESN'T want it. You're not cheating him out of ANYTHING, he doesn't want what you're offering.
  • I would feel NO COMPUNCTION about seeking satisfaction outside the marriage if I were trapped in a marriage like this.

I know you said you cannot afford the health care insurance premiums yourself and a new insurance carrier would REFUSE to take you on because of pre-existing conditions. Have you spoken with a DIVORCE ATTORNEY to see if part of a divorce settlement could COMPEL your H (or ex-H) to continue the health insurance coverage on you? Most divorce attorneys have a free consultation, please call and inquire (if you haven't already) whether this could be an option! (I'm hoping the answer is 'yes').
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Is there something wrong with him medically?
I don't want to rub it in but I'm horny as heck and I'm mid 50's.
Could he be meeting his needs elsewhere?

Why does he want to be married to you?
Are you just a trophy wife he can show off at functions?
I just do not understand how a man can not want to make love to his wife at every oppo rtunity
Nothing wrong with him. He's fit, 41, tall and good looking.
As for why he wants to be married to me? I asked him a few months ago and he said "Because I love you and you are my best friend". Not sure what to make of that but I am NOT his best friend if he treats everybody else as more important. Also, I am his wife, NOT his friend. I didn't sign up to be a friend. I have many of them and never had sex with any, man or woman.
Not sure about the trophy part. I am good looking but also 41. In a moment of sheer stupidity, he admitted that 20 somethings were the optimal age for his fantasies. So to answer your question, no I am not a trophy wife.
I doubt he is getting his needs met elsewhere. No, I am not some fool wife who thinks her husband could never cheat. Anybody could cheat, hell I am ready to. He on the other hand talks about a man code and other bull****. He thinks it is some kind of badge to say he never cheated and comes from a long line of men who never did either. He is the kind of man who believes wholeheartedly in honor and cheating is not part of it. Apparently ignoring your wife for years is however.
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If you remove his hands from your feet I doubt he'll try anything else at this point even if he wanted to.

Has he actually said that he doesn't want sex?

Is there anything he can do at this point to win you back?

Did you tell him you feel like cheating and why? Some people need a 2X4.

Sorry for your predicament.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
If you remove his hands from your feet I doubt he'll try anything else at this point even if he wanted to.

Has he actually said that he doesn't want sex?

Is there anything he can do at this point to win you back?

Did you tell him you feel like cheating and why? Some people need a 2X4.

Sorry for your predicament.
Yup, me removing his hands from my feet turned him off to sex. (rolls eyes)
Never said he didn't want sex, just doesn't.
Yes, I have told him I want to find somebody else. Response was calm and nothing short of "I wish you wouldn't".
Is there anything he can do to win me back? Not a damn thing. Too much pain on my end to ever look at him the same way again.
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