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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello folks - I do not know if anyone went through this or not - but my youngest son is going through terrible emotions (which I knew would come) such as fear of future, etc. He told me that he feels he doesnt have a home anymore - which is true and I see the toll this has left on him...he was so resilient before all this happened and now he is not as much. Which has left me wanting to protect him and has got me considering taing her back (if she were to ever ask). I would do anything for my children and this would be one of them. I think about getting back with her and I know it would be awkward but I believe we could work together for our kids to get them through college. I think about it and I do not believe I would ever be able to let her touch me again (because the triggers would just be too much to take). But I think it would really help our children. I do not know of anybody who has tried it, but seems it could work i dk.....I always hold out hope we could work together for the sake of our children...I know it sounds crazy but I would certainly consider it. Thoughts..
 

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In my opinion, it has to be for more than the kids. Do YOU want to reconcile? More importantly, would your wife?

If it's not a true reconciliation - all it will mean is that your son will see a dysfunctional marriage right before his eyes and he will think that is the norm.

I believe it is better for the kids to have TWO parents who love them even if it is in separate homes vs a dysfunctional couple who don't love each other raising the kids together.

This is a decision I made (with my wife) after 3 years of false R. Yes, there were other reasons we separated (i.e. my wife's infidelity) - but we had tried to R mainly for the kids. It wasn't enough and it wasn't healthy. Kids should grow up seeing their parents hugging each other, teasing/flirting with each other, holding hands, doing stuff together and having fun together. I didn't want my daughters to think it was normal for two parents to dislike each other.

So that's my input - hope it doesn't confuse things for you - but I feel very strongly that staying together JUST for the kids isn't healthy. There has to be more.
 

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I started taking my children to counseling. It has been so beneficial to them to be able to talk to a professional about their feelings. I talk to them, but I am in the story. They have issues with their mom and not me... I talked to them the whole way through the divorce. I asked the counselor after their session if they had any issues with me and she said no, its really with their mom.

My EX found out that I am taking them to counseling... I din't tell her because I don't talk to her and I'm taking them to counseling for them not me or her... I don't sit with them. I'm in the lobby waiting... My EX wants to tell the counselor 'her side of the story'... I'm like WTF? This isn't about her or I, its for the kids so they don't grow up hating women. It's about them talking their issues out and being ok.

My EX thinks it's a perception of a story... I just don't care. I want to go on with my life and make sure my kids are as emotionally healthy as possible. I don't care what other people think. The counseling has been great for them. It is painful but it's ok. They are in pain. I find that talking about it to someone really helps and so do they.
 

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Would that even be a healthy enviroment for your children?? And is your wife willing to put in the same amount of effort as you to R the marriage? Has she even offered to R and shown remorse about her actions? Don't remember your story too well but from what I do remember I believe she was quite self centered and manipulative.

Kids are not stupid. I didn't know specifically what problems my parents had in their marriage when I was younger but I could always sense something was not right between them more often than not. It got to the point by the time I hit 17 I was TELLING my mom to divorce my Dad (11 years later they're still married btw and my opinion still hasn't changed).

I do admit I might be biased. I never bought into that whole "staying together for the sake of the kids" argument. In a lot of cases the damage has simply been done and partaking in a token marriage is not going to send your kids the right message about relationships at all.

Why not find someone who loves and respects you so you can set a good example for your children of what relationships are supposed to be about?

Because forcing yourself to be in a marriage you don't even want "for the sake of the kids" is not sending the right message and is certainly not doing them or you any favors.
 
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Oh BT.

There is no question how much you love your boys.

And I also know that you still love your wife. The woman you married before all of her nonsense.

But a marriage takes two. So does a successful reconcilaition.

You do need to get one or both your sons to talk to a good counselor.

You should also speak to your wife. She needs to know what is going on with your youngest boy.

Has she ever asked to come home?
Has she ever discussed a Reconciliation?
Isn't she still living with the OM?
Didn't she move across the country?

I am not asking these questions to hurt you or dig up bad memories.

I am asking them so you can see the situation for what it is.

I think a phone call to her is the place to start. And keep the conversation about your kids. Not you. Not her. Not the OM nor the sins.

Just the kids........

HM64
 

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I started taking my children to counseling. It has been so beneficial to them to be able to talk to a professional about their feelings. I talk to them, but I am in the story. They have issues with their mom and not me... I talked to them the whole way through the divorce. I asked the counselor after their session if they had any issues with me and she said no, its really with their mom.

My EX found out that I am taking them to counseling... I din't tell her because I don't talk to her and I'm taking them to counseling for them not me or her... I don't sit with them. I'm in the lobby waiting... My EX wants to tell the counselor 'her side of the story'... I'm like WTF? This isn't about her or I, its for the kids so they don't grow up hating women. It's about them talking their issues out and being ok.

My EX thinks it's a perception of a story... I just don't care. I want to go on with my life and make sure my kids are as emotionally healthy as possible. I don't care what other people think. The counseling has been great for them. It is painful but it's ok. They are in pain. I find that talking about it to someone really helps and so do they.
I think this is the responsible, unselfish, healthy thing to do for a child of infidelity and/or divorce. By doing this, MovingAhead is showing real love for his children and helping them without thinking about his 'side' or who is to blame. Eyes on the prize.
 

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Parents are role models. Children will see the world and relationships by watching their parents and how they interact. If you R with your WW what will your child see? I think it will be a dysfunctional marriage with no love or affection. Is that what you want your children to think marriage is or how adults show love?
 

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I wouldn't do it. To me this sounds like trying to convince your grown up children that Santa Claus is real, just because it makes them feel good and they don't like the fact he is a made up creation. Sorry, but your kids must learn that life is tough, not always fair and sometimes downright brutal. By trying to maintain the "perfect family" illusion you are just further infantilizing them and not really helping in the long run.

Just think about what morals can they take from all this? That every time they are faced with real life obstacles, they can just take refuge in the feel-good make believe and the problems will go away?

Also, at what cost would you be able sustain this illusion? Is the price your own happiness and sanity? You will be basically under self-imposed slavery so you can postpone the inevitable for some years.
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Why are you considering it when you don't even know if she would say yes?

Regardless your son needs help dealing with these issues, so why not just work on having a better parenting relationship with your ex rather than pursue R?
 

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Bigtone128

All for a BH to attempt recovery.

Using the kids as motivation is how many a recovery has started.

Allowing the WW to move back in so everyone in now living under the same roof in not recovery.
 

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I'm sorry, but taking her back to spare your son some emotional grief and permanent mental damage is not a viable option.

Kids in a divorce are collateral damage.

Everyone loses, the adults eventually heal and move on for the most part, the kids tends to be the most emotionally scarred and it may last for the rest of their lives to some degree and even manifest in the lives of their own children and span generations to come.

I feel the same way about the damage done to my own kids.

But there's not all that much you can do about it. Be a good father, get him counseling, take him nice places, show him your love.

But don't get back with his mom just to act out a role.

It's counterproductive.
 

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I wouldn't do it. To me this sounds like trying to convince your grown up children that Santa Claus is real, just because it makes them feel good and they don't like the fact he is a made up creation. Sorry, but your kids must learn that life is tough, not always fair and sometimes downright brutal. By trying to maintain the "perfect family" illusion you are just further infantilizing them and not really helping in the long run.

Just think about what morals can they take from all this? That every time they are faced with real life obstacles, they can just take refuge in the feel-good make believe and the problems will go away?

Also, at what cost would you be able sustain this illusion? Is the price your own happiness and sanity? You will be basically under self-imposed slavery so you can postpone the inevitable for some years.
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Santa isn't real???

He has been coming to my house for 48 years now......

How dare you! :D
 

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I have read your posts, I know you love your sons but I am flabbergasted that you would even consider taking her back.

You son needs help so seek out a qualified therapist for him.
 

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I started taking my children to counseling. It has been so beneficial to them to be able to talk to a professional about their feelings. I talk to them, but I am in the story. They have issues with their mom and not me... I talked to them the whole way through the divorce. I asked the counselor after their session if they had any issues with me and she said no, its really with their mom.

My EX found out that I am taking them to counseling... I din't tell her because I don't talk to her and I'm taking them to counseling for them not me or her... I don't sit with them. I'm in the lobby waiting... My EX wants to tell the counselor 'her side of the story'... I'm like WTF? This isn't about her or I, its for the kids so they don't grow up hating women. It's about them talking their issues out and being ok.

My EX thinks it's a perception of a story... I just don't care. I want to go on with my life and make sure my kids are as emotionally healthy as possible. I don't care what other people think. The counseling has been great for them. It is painful but it's ok. They are in pain. I find that talking about it to someone really helps and so do they.
The counsellor would say: "Sorry, but I only indulge in fiction in my own time, not whilst I'm working."
 

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Tone, if you feel you can do it for you, for her and your children, then think about it.

Reconciliation after an affair is not easy. And yes, I had trouble performing sexually for a while. Still not the same as it was before the affair. But maybe that's Mr Old Age knocking on my door? ;)
 

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I would like them to see that people make wrong decisions and when you love them you can overcome them. Also, that families stick together....I agree she would have to be contrite though...
I can completely respect that.

But if there's one thing most people on this site know it's that love isn't always enough to overcome. Two people can love each other but that still doesn't mean they make good partners.

But I'm curious has there been some talk of reconcilation on the part of your wife or something? Or is it solely your children who have made you reconsider your previous thoughts?
 

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Hello folks - I do not know if anyone went through this or not - but my youngest son is going through terrible emotions (which I knew would come) such as fear of future, etc. He told me that he feels he doesnt have a home anymore - which is true and I see the toll this has left on him...he was so resilient before all this happened and now he is not as much. Which has left me wanting to protect him and has got me considering taing her back (if she were to ever ask). I would do anything for my children and this would be one of them. I think about getting back with her and I know it would be awkward but I believe we could work together for our kids to get them through college. I think about it and I do not believe I would ever be able to let her touch me again (because the triggers would just be too much to take). But I think it would really help our children. I do not know of anybody who has tried it, but seems it could work i dk.....I always hold out hope we could work together for the sake of our children...I know it sounds crazy but I would certainly consider it. Thoughts..
Gotta let your kids grow up, reality blows but that's life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Oh BT.

There is no question how much you love your boys.

And I also know that you still love your wife. The woman you married before all of her nonsense.

But a marriage takes two. So does a successful reconcilaition.

You do need to get one or both your sons to talk to a good counselor.

You should also speak to your wife. She needs to know what is going on with your youngest boy.

Has she ever asked to come home?
Has she ever discussed a Reconciliation?
Isn't she still living with the OM?
Didn't she move across the country?

I am not asking these questions to hurt you or dig up bad memories.

I am asking them so you can see the situation for what it is.

I think a phone call to her is the place to start. And keep the conversation about your kids. Not you. Not her. Not the OM nor the sins.

Just the kids........

HM64
Thanks Happy, no my wife (i don't know if she even considers me her spouse) lives 1,000 miles away - because I moved because when she she left she started to threaten me with if I ever see you in the street, I will charge you with harassment sort of stuff - I got scared and moved away. Besides, I could tell by the way she as behaving it was going to be rough for me....and I was advised to leave (I somewhat reget it now because of what happened to my son.

Last time, I forwarded my concerns on to her - she forwarded them on to my son...so I will not do that again.

she has never asked to reconcile but I sense things are not going well with new beau and I sense the fog is starting to lift....

No it's good to ask the questions - i appreciate them. But I sense from my youngest son she is not doing well and last week it was her birthday - and \i sent her a birthday card and instead of deleting it, I noticed she read it...so I dont know...

I would like to think I could get over it all but it would take heavy lifting on her part - which i think she is capable of idk.

I would like to hear some betrayed spouses and the feeling they felt after coming out of the fog and how they overcame their feelings of guilt....

You see, I understand how someone could get messed up - but they must be contrite....here is a funny thought and I do not know if anyone on here ever had the thought....

I almost wish she was reading this forum so she could see how I feel....bizarre.
 
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