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Discussion Starter #1
I am 27 years old in a domestic partnership. We have only been together close to 3 years and during that time we would fight sometimes so bad that I would lose it and hit her. I don't know why I did it, I would instantly regret it every time. I felt as though something came over me and I was not thinking. This is no excuse, I refuse to make excuses for myself, I assume all responsibility. I promised to never do it again and I kept doing it. This last weekend we really got into a huge fight and again I hit her. I am so ashamed for what I did. She is leaving me and who could blame her. She told me she told herself she would never put up with that and is disappointed that she ever stayed the first time it happened.

She tells me she no longer loves me and only sees me as a friend. She has lost all feelings towards me. I am still in love with her but I am so ashamed for what I have done. I became the very person that I never wanted to be. I was abused when I was younger and even in a previous relationship and I felt as though I was such a strong person to overcome that but instead I became my abusers. I am so ashamed for what I did.

I am currently seeking counseling. But I just need to talk to someone, I have told most everyone I know that I am an abuser because I feel like I need to shame myself. I feel like I should turn myself in. I can't even look at myself. I am hurting so bad, I am losing the one I love and I have destroyed her.
 

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Good for you for seeking help to break the cycle. The abused often grow up to be abusers. I hope you're able to get the help you need really soon.
 

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The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting you have one. It takes courage to come to a public place to tell complete strangers you have a problem. Good for you, step 1 complete.

What was your home life like when you were a child? Look there and you will find the root of your behavior. Work with your counselor to change these behavior patterns and channel your energy into something positive. It's okay to be angry but use the anger for good.
 

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Glad you're admitting it. Now follow through on the therapy. It's the only way you'll ever overcome it or have any hope of having any relationship in the future. But make sure you pick one who has experience in abuse.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I recognize I have a problem and it's killing me. To think I am an abuser just makes me feel worthless. I try to tell myself it is just anger issues. I never beat her, I would just blow off and hit her in the heat of the moment. But I know that is just me making excuses. There is never a good reason to hit someone, especially someone you "love"

My childhood was very rough, my stepmom used to beat me and was very cruel and did unspeakable things. I was so proud of myself thinking I had no problems, that I overcame. But now I must face the fact that I do have issues and that I became my abusers.

The thing that gets me the most is a week ago she loved me, or so I thought. She told me she was lying to herself and to me. I know what I did was wrong but I feel like I don't understand how she has no feelings for me whatsoever anymore. I did this to her.
 

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Right now you need to focus on yourself. Get the help you need and go from there. She very well may be lost to you, so prepare for that, and get yourself fixed up so that your next relationship doesn't end the same way.
 

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I know what I did was wrong but I feel like I don't understand how she has no feelings for me whatsoever anymore. I did this to her.
As long as you continue to use "but" - which NEGATES every other thing you say, you are selfish person who looks at everything in terms of what YOU get or don't get.

You don't understand how SHE can have no feelings? Like she owes you something? What if she fell back and hit her head and died? Would you still be upset with her for having no feelings for you?

Start understanding this is about selfishness, not some FOO issue. And I'm usually the Queen of FOO justification. Not this time.
 

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I watched my mom get slapped around by a step-dad when I was eight. I swore I never would hit a woman, and I haven't. I don't condone violence on women, unless she hits you a few times and won't stop. With that being said, are there stressers in your life like job, money, family issues? I know my ex-stepfather worked as a prison guard. Not excusing him for what he did, because believe me, I'd break his face if I saw him today, but there may be some underlying cause. You definitely need help because hitting a woman for no reason is not cool. Hell, hitting anyone for no reason is not cool, especially someone you proclaim to love. I want to be so much more rude, but at least you're seeing the problem.
 

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Let her go. She doesn't deserve it, and you don't deserve her. Fix yourself, then maybe you can find someone that you deserve.
 

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Definitely let her go. Even if you truly change and never hit again, she'll always be fearful. Let her find happiness with someone else.

Work on yourself. The fact that you are confronting this head on means you have a good chance to get this under control. Keep going to counseling. You need to get to a place where you can get angry without crossing that line. You can't expect to live life and always be happy. Until you can handle your anger, focus on yourself.
 

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Let her go. Focus on working on yourself. Don't get in to a relationship until you feel you have a handle on your anger.

Been there, done that. Ex broke my nose, blacked my eyes and otherwise beat the snot out of me on numerous occasions.

Even if he had become the saintliest of people, I could never have worked things out with him because I would have always had the fear of being hit again.

Your gf will carry that for a long, long time. When she dates, she'll be watching for telling behavior that may indicate that this guy's an abuser.

I'm glad you're seeking out help - face it, work on it and fix it. It's within your ability to stop the cycle.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Like I said I am not making excuses for myself, I have a lot going in personal life and work life. My doctor has taken me out of work for stress having a negative affect on my health. We argue a lot and I would try to walk away but she would get in my face a lot and yell at me and say mean things and just keep going and even I tried to walk away she kept pushing it in my face and I guess I would just lose it and hit her. These are the only times when I would hit when we fought and it got so bad. I am definitely not making excuses, some friends say we are both at fault. I can't seem to see it that way though. I feel worthless and such a bad person for letting myself get so angry. Do I go to domestic violence classes or do I go to anger management classes? I don't know what to do.
 

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Nope - there is no good reason to hit her. You're not both at fault. You are at fault for YOUR actions. Period.

Get in to therapy, take anger management classes, read self help books. Learn to control your emotions.
 

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My husband hit me a lot years ago. He went to rehab and counseling ect. It stopped until his affair a few months ago. He has now pushed me down, punched the pillow as hard as he could right next to my face, over our daughter inbetween us. Gets in my face spitting. I dont know but he seems to be going back to that place again. So personally I don't know if you can ever be cured.?

Hopefully your taking this very seriously, get as much help as you can. Enter into some programs, I wouldn't start a new relationship for a long time.

Like the guy said before, you wouldn't hit your boss ect. So what is it about a woman, the one you love that you need to hit her?
 

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All of a sudden - please get you and your daughter out of there. It will more than likely escalate. It took waiting for my ex to try stabbing me before I left.

Don't let your daughter see this behavior and think it's normal.
 
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Let her go and know you did not "destroy" her. We are tougher than you think. She will never trust you and feel the way she did. So you need to work on fixing yourself.

Continue with therapy and anger management. Also as was pointed out, you CAN help yourself. You could never hit her in public where people would see, right? Or in front of your friends or her parents? Nor would you ever hit your boss or an officer... so you are perfectly capable of controlling yourself. So go to counseling and start diving into your issues. She probably did you a big favor because you will now have to address feelings you have obviously been avoiding.
 

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I would try to walk away but she would get in my face a lot and yell at me and say mean things
There's that word again.

and just keep going and even I tried to walk away she kept pushing it in my face and I guess I would just lose it and hit her. These are the only times when I would hit when we fought and it got so bad. I am definitely not making excuses,
Even worse. You don't GUESS about hitting the ONE person you're supposed to love. You chose yourself over her every instance.
 
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