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Discussion Starter #1
Usually not big things. I do something, it might be a mistake, I tell her what happened, she does not believe me.

Example 1:

I woke up in a good mood. We were all going to our Autistic son’s graduation - drive by graduation. I sleep upstairs alone, as I snore and my wife cannot deal with it (another story). I dress in an area just inside of the entrance of the bathroom. I am nude and turn to see my autistic son in the large soaking tub. He often giggles and makes a tremendous amount of fun of me just in my underwear. So I turn, and exit the room. As I exit I say, “Oh F..k“. I said it from being startled. In no way shape or form was I upset at my autistic son.....he often soaks in the tub. My wife comes back and asks, “Why are you cussing at Andy”? (Not real name). I told her I was not and described what happened. (In fact Andy did not even hear me....he was staring out the window). She says, “yea, right!”. So I dress in another room and come out to the kitchen. Then my aggressive wife (see more other post on this), “it is really disheartening you cuss and yell at your son on his graduation day!”. I tell her again what really happened. She will have none of it. She infers, oh for about the 1000th time, I am malicious and a liar. Then a huge fight breaks out. I am so pissed off. I am so, so, so, tired of being inferred I am a liar and or do malicious things.

Example 2:

We go out of the country to a foreign country. On our last vacation she said, yes, politely, that I did not research bars and restaurants to go to, like I typically do - which she was correct. So this time I looked up the best bars to go to. We split up. She goes shopping....I go to the bar. We agree to meet at the bar later. While at the bar, after 20 minutes or so, smoking begins. I had no clue that people actually smoke in public anymore. I was aghast....very surprised. So I move to an area of the bar where there is no smoking. She texts me she is on the way. Wouldn’t you know it, about a minute before she walks in, the young men next to me start to smoke. She comes in. Looks very grumpy. Asks about the smoking. I tell her what happened. Guess what. I am lying. She says, “everyone knows that in the foreign country everyone smokes”. I told her I was not aware of it. She says, “so you could not smell cigarette residue when you walked in?“ “No”, I say. (Oddly enough, no residue). No matter, she infers I knew and picked this bar in total disregard of her likes/dislikes. Maliciously, I picked somewhere that would piss her off. Oh. Rock music is also playing. Not real loud...but playing. She tells me, “you know I don’t like rock music.” Again, I picked a place that plays rock music, just to mess with her head. To be a jerk. The absolute farthest from my mind. Why would I want to ruin her evening and mine? Because I enjoy misery?

Many, many more scenarios. It is as if she is paranoid. One thing I pride myself on is self-deference, taking self-responsibility, and being honest. If I did what she accused me of....I would tell her she was right. Instead, she is not right and infers I am lying. 22 years of this.....I have had enough!

I think she does it to win the argument. To be the, “victim”. To not have to apologize. She rarely, ever, apologizes for anything in our relationship. She truly sees herself as mostly faultless. My simple ignorance or simple mistakes become these hurtful scenarios of lies and maliciousness that I, supposedly, commit.

What is this? Gas Lighting? Paranoia? Trust issues? Manipulation? Insecurities? Maybe she lies a lot and thinks I do to?

Trying to define this to research. Loosing my mind.
 

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From the little snippet of your examples I would guess she has a large amount of resentment toward you. But you say it's been going on for 22 years so it sounds like she just may have a critical non trusting personality that more than likely will not change.

Have you reached your breaking point?
 

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Unless you can get into counseling together (which may not help at all), GET OUT ASAP...she will NEVER change. You are looking at the rest of your life. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I also want to ask...WHY have you stayed with someone so unloving and aggressively confrontational...?
 

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Have you done anything, at any point in your relationship, to make her resentful?
She sounds resentful.
She thought you were cussing at your kid. Is that because you’ve done it before? This scenario sounds like something that’s happened with me and my husband. He’ll say wow no I’d never cuss at our son. But he has. So yeah maybe in that moment he wasn’t, but I’ve seen him do it before, so I’m making sure .
She sounds unhappy. Before I just start signing divorce papers like other posters have said, I’d sit her down and ask if everything’s okay and tell her how you feel.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
All good advice.

Yes, I have yelled at the kids. So, her initial response was fine. I took no offense to it. After I told her what really happened, she persisted in believing her opinion. This is when I got pissed. Initial reaction....no problem....I tell her the truth....problem.

Yes, years ago, when dating, she was an ass the last two of four years. I saw another woman....but nothing happened with the other woman. (She found out years latter..after our first child). I wanted to break up. She kept calling and calling me. She was nuts but in a rare moment of self-responsibility she said she is nuts because she has no, “plans”. (She is a, “planner”....holidays, shopping, friends, parties...etc). She is only nuts around me and my kids. People on the outside love her to death. She is very popular. She has two personalities. Don’t get me wrong, not 100% ass all the time. About once a week.....I am a liar or malicious. Then she really goes to NutzoVille.

Sex was GREAT. Best ever....by a long shot. Not due to special techniques....just chemistry. (Menopause has put an end to sex).

So, I married her. Three kids. A few months after the third kid was born.....back to being an ass.

Her father was a real control freak and asshole. She describes him.....she describes herself. She hates her father to death. Loves her mother. She is always surprised when a woman is disfavored in a family. She easily accepts men being evil.

She is very controlling as she expects standards from me.....but not herself. She keeps our home an absolute pig-sty....but I need to be neat and tidy. I cleaned the joint top to bottom being off. I think she has a hangup about house work.....as it is a form of male oppression. Yard work she will do all day. We have a A+ yard and F- interior home. Well, C+ now that I cleaned and organized.....it was a dump.

She is a Hybrid-Feminist. Definition: What a woman typically does, a man, SHALL, do...but what a man typically does, OPTIONAL, for a woman to do. She has, at times, expected me to work at my outside job AND share 50% of the House work. She does not work outside the home. Since my job, is a good job, it does not count. She has been jealous of my job.

Why did I marry her? Great sex and a promise she would straighten up. Great sex until a few years ago. Straighten up for awhile. Back to being an ass. Sex in October and February.

My opinion the handful, of HRT pills she takes make the situation worse (see other post in, “addiction”). My job takes me away 180 days a year. With Covid I only work 10% of what I did before......so now I am more temporally exposed to the ass-hatery. Now I know what my retirement will be like. No wonder so many people divorce when they retire. They get tired of the ********.

If they can afford it many buy a second home. I am thinking of buying a second home and moving out. No divorce. What is the point. M2 for me...and her. I would never, ever, NEVER, get married again!

I am pissed. Sorry for the rant.
 

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You travel 180 days a year?
Do it twice a year.
Whatever you do you need to get out of the situation you’re in. It’s not healthy being under continuous disrespect and you may eventually snap.
 
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I know you feel you've had enough, and it does sound like a lot to deal with. But the situation just might be fixable with counseling and looking at yourself in the mirror. Look in the mirror and ask yourself why you are at your wits' end now after 22 years. It's kind of funny you say you married her because the sex/chemistry was great. 22 years of a great and satisfying sex life that menopause has brought to an end, and now you're not so willing to tolerate what was undesirable in the relationship all the long.

Just being human and just being married makes people want to complain about what makes them unhappy, and usually that's the spouse. But there's seldom any self-reflecting going on during all that complaining, so I'm going to ask you to look in the mirror again.

You walked into a bar and at some point discovered there was smoking. To boot, there was also rock music on the juke box. There is no way you could possibly have known in advance that there would be smoking in a bar and definitely couldn't know what kind of music would be playing. So she was wrong to accuse you. The only thing is you did discover those things and did nothing about them. A considerate husband would have thought of his wife in that kind of situation. It's really something very simple that a wife expects.....at least sometimes. The thoughtful thing to do at that point would have been to phone wifey and let her know "Hey Honey, people are smoking here and there's music that you don't like, so I think maybe I should try to find another place for us to meet up. I'll call back soon to let you know the new meeting spot." Just too easy. It didn't even have to be a bar, did it? Could it have been a restaurant with a nice atmosphere that sells drinks?

Instead of walking into what she might have expected to be a fun and relaxing time together on this vacation, she walks in on everything that you know will make it unpleasant for her. With no warning. With no consideration from her husband. No nothing.

I don't know how you put up with her accusing you and calling you a liar like she does, but I also wouldn't put up with you for a husband either. I need some consideration. I need some thoughtfulness from my husband. I need some action on my behalf in place of your excuses and explanations.

Did you step away from the mirror or are you still there? Stay there with me just a moment longer because this sounds a little crazy to me.....

My wife comes back and asks, “Why are you cussing at Andy”? (Not real name). I told her I was not and described what happened. (In fact Andy did not even hear me....he was staring out the window).
Dude, are you really saying a person can't hear what they don't see? Just because he was staring out the window doesn't mean his ears stopped working. That's the logical assessment, not making statements that assume people's eyes and ears have to be focused on the same thing in order to work right as if they can't function independently. To say Andy couldn't hear you is kind of lame. She heard you from another room. Why couldn't he hear you from there in the same room? I personally don't think what you said was that big a deal. And, like you, I would resent her accusing me of cursing AT my son when it was just an offhanded expletive that wasn't directed at anyone. But the way you handle situations is just as bad as the way she handles them. I would have rolled my eyes at you saying that. I would have said "Yeah, right" just like she did, not because I accused you of cursing at the boy but because there is no way he didn't hear you. And it's ridiculous to think he couldn't. That's the kind of ineffectual conversation that would drive me nuts. I would have to shake my head if that's the most by way of intelligence I can get.

The things you do may well be a mistake or they may well be the farthest thing from your mind. Completely innocent. Completely unintentional. I get it and I believe you. But I also have to point out that is the very definition of thoughtlessness and inconsiderate behavior with not much effective reasoning. And being thoughtless and inconsiderate like that makes a person a jerk. I'd guess she's been fed up for a long time. Since you can't see the fault in your own ways, is it possible you are thoughtless and inconsiderate so often that a person would naturally have to wonder if you do them intentionally? Some things are obvious, like the bar scene, so maybe there's not much else for her to think.

Just consider that you contribute to the dynamic of your marital relationship, rather than thinking it's all her and everything is her fault. You're going nuts, I know. But look at how long you say she's been in NutzoVille and the possibility you have had something to do with that.....at least sometimes.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
StarFires. I get what you are saying. Some of the context is wrong. On the bar thing....I did the best I could do. The smoking started literally a minute before she got there. I had no clue she hated 80’s rock so much that it would piss her off. She is ultra sensitive about so much when we are out. Yet, she will vacation with girlfriends and be ultra-tolerant.

Believe me, I look at myself quite a lot.
 
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