This was a wonderfully thoughtful answer.Was that helpful? I tried my best, and I'm still working on those answers every day. That's what I have for now.
Interesting. I am unsure of your context though, are you saying you have no way of knowing because you only experienced it one way?Ever hear of Schrodinger's cat or the quantum cat? I honestly can't be sure. I can guess that I wouldn't have understood his pain nearly as much and been as understanding of that choice should he have made it, but other than that I'm not sure how I would have reacted.
This is particularly lovely.I like to think of us as two old gnarled trees twisted around eachother. We are both leaning on eachother. But as we lean on eachother we also gain support. The very act of those two trees needing to lean also supports the other.
Melodramatic I guess, but I think of those two old twisted tree as miraculous. Would either one stand without the other? It's a privilege to support my husband as much as it is to lean on him.
For me this story and others like it are the reason why I would never say that having a revenge affair always makes the marriage worse (which is often said when this kind of stuff comes up). I have just read too many times that sometimes that is what it takes to make the WS understand. As twisted as it is sometimes it does make the marriage better.
However I still argue against it because I think having an affair does great damage to the person having it. The cost of ones honor is just too high for the payoff of trying to teach someone else empathy. It also doesn't seem intuitive that hurting someone else (the other spouse if you are in an adulterous relationship) or even the person you are having an affair with if you're only using them to get back at you unfaithful spouse, is a good way to build empathy in someone else. It could be argued though if you both are doing it, say if the two cheated on spouses just have casual sex to get back at their spouses then they are only hurting people who deserve it. Honestly I could see this point but still I would advise against it. Then my reasoning would be because if the feelings are real you would still be better able to pursue this new relationship without the added problem of still being married to someone else. In other words just divorce and meet someone new. In this way you give yourself the best chance at a good start. That doesn't mean revenge affairs don't work though, as you are an example and not the only one.
Continuing that thought, what do you think your husband thinks and how do you think about that?
There was probably and may still be a feeling of justice or payback in the fact that you got to experience at least the type of pain and worthlessness that he surly felt.
If I am being honest I am probably less hard on you on these boards because of this, and also more in favor of reconciliation in your case because of this sense of justice. That probably doesn't say good things about me or my advice though.
This brings up the idea that his affair may have even have been healing for him in the sense that it may have given him back a feeling of still being attractive to other women. Given him his mojo back so to speak, though in a sleazy way at the expense of others. Do you think this is true? Would he agree?
Do you think he looks back on it with guilt or not? I know for me the guilt of knowing the pain that I helped create in that women's husband would be hard for me to take. I also would not want to think of myself as capable of that. No offense but from my point of view no women or relationship would be worth my honor.
Do you think this has cost your husband (not your affair now but his?)
What do you think would have happened if your husband's paramour had been more then just a booty call but someone who he really fell in love with?
Would that have been worse?
Would you have fought for him at that point?
Where do you think you would be now if say he just left you at that point?
Maybe say you were to find out at the point where he was leaving, do you think you would have gotten to this same place if he hadn't stayed around or you marriage had ended?
Overall can you think of any way or any point before all this happened that this could have all been prevented?
Was there ever a point where you would have been open enough to change without the destruction?
Finally how are YOU doing? How far along are you? Do you know the sex of the baby?