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That's a great idea. He gets to toy around with his favorite car without making things awkward.

The demon may be hard to get this package for though. They are pretty rare. Most people who own one seem to store it. He has other cars he likes though.

Do they do it with formula one cars? He is into formula 1.

Cars, golf, football, hunting and fishing. Those are his pastimes more or less. Cars is more of a thing he picked up from his grandfather. His grandfather was a car fanatic. Went to the nationals with his grandfather every year before his grandfather's health went.
They do it with race cars. Probably stock cars. I believe you get a driving lesson and then you get to take the car out. It's like a school so you can do multiple lessons.

Sounded like great fun.
 

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That's a great idea. He gets to toy around with his favorite car without making things awkward.

The demon may be hard to get this package for though. They are pretty rare. Most people who own one seem to store it. He has other cars he likes though.

Do they do it with formula one cars? He is into formula 1.

Cars, golf, football, hunting and fishing. Those are his pastimes more or less. Cars is more of a thing he picked up from his grandfather. His grandfather was a car fanatic. Went to the nationals with his grandfather every year before his grandfather's health went.
FoolishOne

Another version of ‘going to the track’, is to take your own vehicle noting that your husband has a “hemi cude”. A friend did this with his MB E Class. Same drill – watch a professional drive your car as passenger, take a lesson on how to drive your car as it was meant to be driven and then solo laps on the track.

My cousin’s husband said that being at the track and doing solo laps was 'superb'. Driving a mustang was just icing on the cake.

Joe 75
 

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What type of hunting? Duck, geese, deer, moose?

What type of fishing? Salmon, trout, fresh water, salt water?

High quality hunting/fishing gear is always good for a sportsman.
 

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Get your husband involved with the issue around his family. They are protective of one anotheir. Let your H make the decision on how to handle this. Communication is key to your current and future success. This will take time and patience on your part. Put yourself in their shoes.

This should dissipate with time and seeing you change. Most people want/like to forgive. Give them a reason to.

I am just catching up on this thread and aren't done but came across Marc's post here and while late in the response, this is a great post by Marc.

The brothers and cousin are protective of each other and that is a good thing.

They came to his defense when Foolishone wasn't there for him. I have seen many posts here on other threads and other sites where the betrayed spouse is encouraged by posters to turn against their family in defense of the wayward when their family was there for them during an affair and all this does is alienate a betrayed from his/her family. I never recommend a betrayed slapping at his/her own family for being angry at the wayward. When I went through my ordeal decades ago, my family and friends encouraged patience at a time when I needed them to encourage constructive anger and vigilant defense of myself. I never reconciled. I tried briefly but it was a no go. I too have been there for a friend who went through a miserable affair and had his back 10000% and he reconciled and I never really liked his wife afterwards. He turned against me and his friends and family too to defend her even though we were just cold to her. Two years later, she dumped him for another guy. Noone was interested in reconnecting with him.

That's why I am glad that Foolishone is letting her husband deal with this and I do like and respect her patience and maturity in understanding their angst. There is a balance here and it is the husband's values which needs to figure out the balance because what he determines will have consequences for him especially.

As Marc stated, they will come around in time and as long as Foolishone and her husband progresses, their steam will lessen over time.

However, coming between the family at this stage will clearly damage the marriage more.

This is a general thought using this thread as an example but as I said before, I always discourage retaliation or turning against family members who were loyal to the betrayed.
 

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Just a dumb FYI FoolishOne. If it is a real Hemi Cuda it is 1 of 652 ever made. I only say "if it is real" because there are probably 1000 more that have been made as a copy by putting a hemi motor into a car that originally had a different motor. My guess is your husbands is a real one. Yes it is worth a lot of $.
 

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Discussion Starter #466
What type of hunting? Duck, geese, deer, moose?

What type of fishing? Salmon, trout, fresh water, salt water?

High quality hunting/fishing gear is always good for a sportsman.
Deer. He went elk hunting once. No luck. He likes venison. I don't. It's gamey. I was thinking about getting him a jerky maker so he can make venison jerky. That or a smoker.

He is pretty well equipped for fishing. He has a whole closet full of poles. Multiple waders. I don't know exactly what he could use.

Salmon, walleye, bass and some trout btw.
 

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Discussion Starter #467 (Edited)
Just a dumb FYI FoolishOne. If it is a real Hemi Cuda it is 1 of 652 ever made. I only say "if it is real" because there are probably 1000 more that have been made as a copy by putting a hemi motor into a car that originally had a different motor. My guess is your husbands is a real one. Yes it is worth a lot of $.
Its supposed to be. That's what he says. I don't know crud about cars so I go by his word. He paid out the a for it even though it was in somewhat bad shape from not being maintained and stored properly. He put a lot of work and money into that car. He got it after his business took off. I thought he was a fool at the time to spend so much. He went on and on about how rare it was and how little miles it had on it despite its bad condition and how it was a once in a lifetime chance that he probably wouldn't get again. I wasn't supportive of his purchase at the time and I regret that. He treats it like an antique painting. Just runs it enough to keep it from breaking... If that makes any sense?
 

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Do they do it with formula one cars? He is into formula 1.
I would seriously doubt you will find a "driving experience for a single seat open (no where for an instructor) wheel car especially a Formula 1. They are incredibly powerful and incredibly expensive.
Something like this would be a good starting point.
https://www.thextremexperience.com/
 

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Deer. He went elk hunting once. No luck. He likes venison. I don't. It's gamey. I was thinking about getting him a jerky maker so he can make venison jerky. That or a smoker.

He is pretty well equipped for fishing. He has a whole closet full of poles. Multiple waders. I don't know exactly what he could use.

Salmon, walleye, bass and some trout btw.
I am an avid deer hunter. My wife hates venison too. Hint: marinate venison steaks in milk or buttermilk overnight before cooking. Cooked venison steaks over a charcoal fire for her once and didn't tell her what it was. She swears to this day that I am lying about it being venison.

Get the jerky maker! He can make beef jerky (if deer or elk is not available). Jerky is a must have for hunting trips and also go for fishing trip. If well made, good for just a snack around the house for all. My favorite is teriyaki jerky.

I think a car is way over the top. While your intentions are good, it would be better if he were directly involved in make the decision of which car.
 

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Another option for a sportsman is a target pistol with all the accessories (case, ammunition, glasses, ear protection).

Then get him a membership at a local shooting range.

I know it sounds crazy to most, but I go to the range at least once a month an there is something relaxing and satisfying about it.

My wife goes with me about half the time. She enjoys it. Squeals like a kid when she get near the center ring.
 

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@FoolishOne your posts on bobert's thread were very good. I think you finally get it, and whatever happens that is a good thing. It's only going to mean good things for your life. You have grown up.

I am struck the most by the fact that I think you deeply understand now how much your husband has always loved you and more importantly how priceless that is. So I say give great gifts or give no gifts at all, but do everything in your power to make sure your husband knows that YOU KNOW and believe this and that will be your best path to healing each other.

I think for many of us men even more then love, knowing our wives respect us and get how much we love them is really what we want.

I actually have hope for you.
 

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I shot some ducks in Eastern Oregon and had some for dinner. after waking next morning I had cold roast duck and chablis, one of the best breakfasts I've had. Another time, I caught some large rainbows at a Diamond Lake in Oregon. We cooked and ate them on shore that day. Great feast!
 

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@FoolishOne now that time has passed and you seem to be getting on the right track I have a question and if you want to answer them I would ask that you really be honest. I get it though if this is to personal.

How much is this what I believe is a real metamorphosis you have gone under do to the fact that you caught your husband cheating?

Do you think if you never caught him doing so would you have worked as hard as you have been or would you have stayed in the status quo that you had found yourself in?

Did the pain of his cheating finally give you some true empathy towards what it is like to get cheated on?

What specific things did you learn?

Was it the true fear that goes with finally understanding that you were going to lose everything?

What will be different when you get comfortable or at least when the fear subsides?

If his cheating really was a part of your change why do you think it took that to get you to wake up?

Now that you have spent so much time on this in the last year or so why do you think you were the way that you were that allowed you to cheat?

Do you think you had a lack of empathy? If so why?

Do you think if there was NO cheating on his part but he just told you it was too painful to love you anymore and was going to leave you would it have had the same impact?

Or was it the added humiliation that cheating causes that really put it over the top?

After going through all this what are your feelings about yourself and your life and marriage as a whole?
 

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Discussion Starter #478
@FoolishOne

Are you still with us? What did you end up getting him for Christmas?
Flight lessons! He was already thinking about it. We are going to go together. I was worried about getting a gift that he might think of as forcing him to do something he didn't actually want to do just yet, but he loved it. Someone on the thread mentioned driving lessons on a race track with a professional and I was thinking about golf lessons from a pro and it lead me into the thought of flight lessons.

I also gave him the presents I already mentioned , a sweater I made myself, and a watch.

It was a pretty great Christmas. Our daughters are very happy.

I didn't see my thread pop to the top of the infidelity forum for a while so I didn't see your questions and most of the last few posts until now. Give me a bit to think hard about your questions and give my answers. I don't really have the time till later tonight or tomorrow for more than a check in.

Thanks for checking up on us. Happy New Year btw.
 

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Keep working.

Y'all are doing great, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

YOU are doing great, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter #480
@FoolishOne now that time has passed and you seem to be getting on the right track I have a question and if you want to answer them I would ask that you really be honest. I get it though if this is to personal.

How much is this what I believe is a real metamorphosis you have gone under do to the fact that you caught your husband cheating?
Percentage? I don't know. But I wasn't all in until that point. I climbed the hill but stalled at the top. I guess finding out about his affair was the push I needed to throw all the cards on the table. I was coming around on a lot of things. Learning how to be a good wife and partner in a lot of ways... But not there yet. Not at the point where I truly opened myself to him 100 percent.

Do you think if you never caught him doing so would you have worked as hard as you have been or would you have stayed in the status quo that you had found yourself in?
I went back and forth as time progressed about telling him, and opening myself fully, but I honestly don't know. I know I would have been working towards bettering myself. Bettering my marriage.... But would I have gotten to the point I have now and been as open and honest as I am now? It's a question I can't honestly know the answer to.

Did the pain of his cheating finally give you some true empathy towards what it is like to get cheated on?
YES. I somewhat understood that trust was an issue. I've felt betrayed by others before. Nothing like infidelity level stuff, but I got it mostly. BUT. I couldn't even begin to understand how worthless being cheated on makes a person feel until I had experienced it myself. I COULDN'T understand one bit how ugly and pathetic and small it makes the betrayed spouse feel.

I did that to him. But worse. For no real reason and out of nowhere. He was gutted from behind by the person he trusted. How could it not feel personal, intentional, and demeaning as well as make him feel worthless?


Was it the true fear that goes with finally understanding that you were going to lose everything?
EveryTHING? Nope. Losing my husband.. YEAH. I really just want my husband. Im sure the fear of the unknown and being on my own with a need to look out for myself played its part, but it was mostly about losing the man who I had come to realize was a damn good man once I stopped sabotaging my own view of him with my own negativity and toxicity. If I had found out he was in an affair earlier into my work on changing myself.... I probably would have used his affair as ammunition to fire at him as a power play.

What will be different when you get comfortable or at least when the fear subsides?
I feel I have shed A lot of arogance. A lot of my self centered view of just about everything. I am not the center of the world anymore. I take joy in that.

I was always emotionally charged before. Ready to snap. Ready to blame others. Always filled with anger. Always needing to be in control.

I'm not anymore. I take a second, take a breath.... and LET GO. I don't need to be right. I don't need control. I don't have to be the center of everything. I enjoy doing for others. Mainly my husband and children.

It's ****ing libererating. Dear God it is. It's hard to explain. And in a lot of ways the fear is almost all gone already. What will be will be. I will do my best. I'll enjoy every moment as it comes.

If we fail at this point I don't think it is because we didn't try hard enough. Or that we didn't do it right. It will be because it was already over. I don't want to look back and say I could have done better after a divorce. At least that way I can salvage a little dignity should all fall through despite our best efforts.

The dynamic of our marriage has also changed almost completely. I like it. I really do. Why would I ever want to go back?

Now that you have spent so much time on this in the last year or so why do you think you were the way that you were that allowed you to cheat?
A part of me wants to point at others and say it's all thier fault for spoiling me. But it's not. A better person treated by my parents and my husband in the same way would have not taken it for granted. They would have seen such kindness for what it was and not taken advantage of it as if it was thier God given right.

I was selfish. Lazy in a way. Why work on myself when I can make others conform to my every need and want? Why take the blame for my actions when I can force the blame on others? All while deluding myself I was in the right. It was too easy for the weak minded person I was to turn down.

Do you think you had a lack of empathy? If so why?
I can't really answer this as well as you may like, but I guess it's like a muscle never used or at least rarely used...?

Do you think if there was NO cheating on his part but he just told you it was too painful to love you anymore and was going to leave you would it have had the same impact?

Or was it the added humiliation that cheating causes that really put it over the top?
Ever hear of Schrodinger's cat or the quantum cat? I honestly can't be sure. I can guess that I wouldn't have understood his pain nearly as much and been as understanding of that choice should he have made it, but other than that I'm not sure how I would have reacted.

After going through all this what are your feelings about yourself and your life and marriage as a whole?
I'm happy. Part of me thinks I don't have that right. But I'm enjoying it nonetheless. I'm still ashamed of my past actions and always will be, but I really think I'm not that person anymore. Not completely at least. Im going to show the truth of that everyday. One day at a time. Half assing it is unacceptable at this point. I refuse to add to my shame or my husband's any further. I refuse to make his sacrifice be in vain.

Whatever happens I'm going forward with the blinders off and my husband first in my mind. My husband seems to be on board with doing the same.

I like to think of us as two old gnarled trees twisted around eachother. We are both leaning on eachother. But as we lean on eachother we also gain support. The very act of those two trees needing to lean also supports the other.

Melodramatic I guess, but I think of those two old twisted tree as miraculous. Would either one stand without the other? It's a privilege to support my husband as much as it is to lean on him.



Was that helpful? I tried my best, and I'm still working on those answers every day. That's what I have for now.
 
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