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Hi FoolishOne,

I just wanted to check in and see how it is going.

Pain is a teacher. You are learning something, and so is he.

The simple lesson for him is to avoid the pain, and unfortunately that means you, but listen, he is choosing to work through this with you. That is a great gift and a wonderful act of love.

So yes it will not be easy for either of you.

The good news is that he must believe you are worth it, and that should give you some reassurance, and foster a grateful spirit.

I am glad for both of you and hope it works out.

It will take his brain a while to process this, just be consistent in your support and don't lose heart.

He will revisit the pain again and again as he builds up a callous on it. Your support can be part of the memories that strengthen him.

Your motives and intentions may be questioned here, use it like a mirror to examine yourself and grow.

You get to see up close the inner workings of how infidelity destroys a person.

If you have a soul, and a heart (and I think you do), you will never be the same either.

Be kind to each other. I wish you both well.
 

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@FoolishOne
I just wanted to say again that your clarity is commendable and refreshing. I'd like to think that if your husband has anywhere near the clarity and will you have that Y'all will be OK. I hope so. I'm rootin' for both you.

As an aside, I wouldn't sweat 2 glasses of wine as a one off. It's good that you recognize it.
I actually had a friend who's now ex wife was Bi-Polar and intentionally drank to excess while pregnant to screw with him. Their boy was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. REALLY sick woman. She also would try to cheat on him when she was manic. There is no circle of Hell good enough for her IMO.
 

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Foolish, I get that no one can know exactly how something feels unless they have experienced it.

That was NOT what the original post I quoted was about. I never said a WS could understand the exact feelings.

What I said was that any WS with a brain knows the process is long lasting, the pain doesn't just disappear, and happy times dont mean the BS isnt hurting. Obviously any WS with the capacity for empathy knows those things.

When I had cancer, I didn't dismiss the thoughts of anyone who had never had cancer because I'm not stupid and I don't have a cancer chip on my shoulder.

Whether we like it or not, true recovery does involve both spouses.

And I'm sure you arent for getting what you did or your husband's pain, even if we DON'T make sure we remind you every other post.
 

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Discussion Starter #445 (Edited)
Things are .... moving along. Slowly. Much of what I expected.

His AP showed up at the offices last week. He called me immediately. He didn't speak to her. I believe him. She made a bit of a scene but he told her he would call the cops if she didn't leave company property. She tried speaking to him in the parking lot after , but he just got in his car and drove away.

W sent the obs the info about that, but he texted me back he doesn't give a **** because he is divorcing her. Thanked me for looking out for him, but told me I didn't need to anymore. They are done for good it seems.

I didn't feel the need to come here and ask what i should do. We both expected she might do that. He handled it well. I have zero worries about that.

I have been reading and keeping my head to working on me and my relationship with my husband. I don't want to get complacent.

He is still having trouble with aspects of it all. He asked me why I came clean... well he asked specifically if it was because I found him in an affair. I could only answer yes. He sort of knew that was the trigger before, but he is truly wrapping his head around it now.

He thinks it was self interest driven and I have nothing to say but yes. He doesn't like that it wasn't for his sake. I like to think it was at least partly because I thought he deserved the truth, but ... I have to admit it was selfish. I didn't want to lose him. I was suspicious he knew more about my affair and confronting him with anger and hypocrisy would have maybe sealed the coffin on our marriage. He wonders if I truly know what love is. I have come to the conclusion I can only show him and told him that as well.

We are working through a lot of things like that. We have set aside time each week to have these talks more in depth. He still hasn't gone to IC, and based on what I've seen posted here and on other forums forcing him and making an issue out of it would be a mistake. He may not need IC. It's up to him. Marriage counseling is on the table, but he isn't excited about it. He expects he won't like it.

The baby bump is growing slowly and healthily. I really do like the idea of a boy. We have started working on the baby room already. Painting clouds is harder than I thought. It's fun though. Crib is already here. He went all out. Custom ordered one. It's BEAUTIFUL. It has peoms and other things carved into it. About life and growing up. About the bonds of family. He surprised me with it. I have never seen such a beautiful crib before.

Thanksgiving was great. DD1 and DD2 seemed happy. DD1 is still distant at times, but Rome wasn't built in a day. We talk a few times every week or so. It's still awkward for her I can tell. My husband spoke with his brother and cousin. No more dagger glares or snide comments. Not that they are ever going to be fans of mine.

Mostly we are just working it. The process. Our lives. We have a path before us, but we are not 100 percent sure where it leads. We have to slowly crawl up the path cutting away the brush in our way. Neither of us are giving up on our marriage.

I'm sorry for not posting, but I do check the board pretty regularly. I read other threads here and on other forums. It helps me understand his feeling better.

My questions to ask here are sort of running dry. We work them together before I even have a chance to come here. Communication is working well. We keep it going constantly. No topic is out of bounds. I sort of feel like a baby bird jumping from the nest. I have to fly and be able to work out solutions on my own and with my husband without all of you at one point or another. Right? It feels like the results are better when I work a problem with my husband right from the beginning. The answers we find together seem to be most helpful for both of us. The process of working it out WITH him also reassures him and helps him get that I understand his feelings.

You guys have been so supportive and helpful. Truly. Thank you. I would still be cowering and holding the truth from him like a baby clinging to a safety blanket if it were not for all of you. You also armed me with the state of mind I would need going into this. Thank you all.

I'll post any major changes if they happen. Take care of yourselves. Happy holidays.
 

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God bless you, @FoolishOne. I am so happy that things are continuing to move forward. It took a lot of courage for you to come clean and to keep speaking the truth still takes courage, but that is exactly how your marriage is being healed little by little I admire your patient attitude in this process and your willingness to humble yourself for the greater good of your husband and your family.

Yes, you came clean due to selfish reasons, but you have not remained selfish in your approach. This is seem through your humble and patient attitude in all of this. Keep up the good work.

As time goes by and you have some wisdom under your belt, I hope you will come back from time to time and participate in threads to help others in shoes similar to yours.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
 

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God bless you, @FoolishOne. I am so happy that things are continuing to move forward. It took a lot of courage for you to come clean and to keep speaking the truth still takes courage, but that is exactly how your marriage is being healed little by little I admire your patient attitude in this process and your willingness to humble yourself for the greater good of your husband and your family.

Yes, you came clean due to selfish reasons, but you have not remained selfish in your approach. This is seem through your humble and patient attitude in all of this. Keep up the good work.

As time goes by and you have some wisdom under your belt, I hope you will come back from time to time and participate in threads to help others in shoes similar to yours.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
I was not really going to post on this point, but I do think it is important.

Great post BTW, @CynthiaDe.

I won't say that @FoolishOne was not trying to save her marriage, and she knew that she had to come clean in order to have that chance.

However, We all told her that she had to come clean, for him. He probably already knew, because he was not stupid, but in order to have a chance to save the marriage, she had to come clean and confess.

Now, she may think she was being selfish, and maybe in one way she was, but not completely.

The other side is she knew she had to do it for him. Yeah, she suspected that he knew, but it still took a huge amount of courage for her to confess everything.

He could have just as easily said, wow, thanks, you will have your divorce papers on Monday.

So I think she should take that point to him so he can better understand that she did not confess for completely selfish reason.

She did it because it was the right thing to do. She did it because HE had to know the truth for him to decide what he wanted to do. And, she did it to try and save her marriage.

Not completely selfish in my opinion...
 

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Discussion Starter #449 (Edited)
I do actually have a question now that I think of it.

I've been thinking about a gift for my husband. I want to go big. But I'm not sure exactly how that will come across.

My husband has always been a muscle car fan. Not to the point of being obsessed. If he wanted he could buy a whole bunch of them. He has 1. A hemi cuda. It is in pristine condition. That is basicly the only thing he has ever treated himself with that was pretty darm expensive and for pure enjoyment alone. The cuda is apparently worth a lot. He loves that car. There was only like a few thousand or something made of them... I don't know exactly. Just repeating from memories of him talking about it.

He doesn't wear Rolex watches. Or Armani suits. He could. He could flash his money extravagantly, but he doesn't (Not that he doesn't have nice things). He just doesn't like being flashy and he has good self control. He didnt have much growing up and has a bit of distaste for rich people who are overly flashy about it. Its one of the many things I respect about him.

I have been paying attention to him and have noticed he has taken a fancy to a new muscle car. I don't think he will buy it for himself , but him, his brother and cousin have drooled over it a few times. I feel like he wants it, but is holding back almost on reflex.

It's not a classic. (I think I'm using that word right.) It's a new car. Well a 2018. They are not making a 2019 version apparently.

Its a dodge challenger demon. I want to get it for him. With my own money. Not money given to me. Not a joint account (that would ruin the surprise anyways). It would be my money. Mostly my money at least. My personal account has more than enough to cover the cost, but a sizable chunk of that is money my husband deposited before my affair.

If I factor in money that only I have saved through my own effort over the last 3 years it will cover almost all of it. My cost of living is pretty low seeing as my husband covers pretty much all large costs and I havn't taken to spending much of the money I have made. I have a pretty good job, though it's a job my husband secured for me through personal connections. So I can't be too proud of myself. I don't make a fraction of what my husband makes, but that's neither here nor there.

I could do it. I think he would love it. Is it wierd? How would that come across. I'm not entirely sure. Would it seem like a desperate bid to win him over? A manipulation? I just really want to do something nice for the man who has paved my way in life for nearly 2 decades.

To my husband the cost of the car isn't really a wow factor. But he would know it is a stretch for me and would be a somewhat sizable chunk of the funds available to me. I want to show him what he means to me and show him I can sacrifice for him.

I usually get him a suit or a watch. Nothing like this. I have already found the one. It's just about pulling the trigger at this point.

So. What are your thoughts? Too much? What could go wrong? Am I over thinking this? Is it too early for something like this?

He barely drives the hemi as it is a collector. It is his baby. This is something he could go joy ride. Sometimes I picture the both of us sitting in it and acting like stupid teenagers. Reving it and whatnot.

But I am hesitant. The only people who know my husband deeply enough and would have an opinion that would help me are his cousin and brother and I don't think it's a good idea to ask them.
 

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I wouldn't. My hobbies and interests are mine. His are his. Let him spend money on those things himself. My wife at times has shown interest in buying stuff for me that is related to my interests. As nicely as I could I told her not to.

Just my two pence.
 

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I do actually have a question now that I think of it.

I've been thinking about a gift for my husband. I want to go big. But I'm not sure exactly how that will come across.

My husband has always been a muscle car fan. Not to the point of being obsessed. If he wanted he could buy a whole bunch of them. He has 1. A hemi cuda. It is in pristine condition. That is basicly the only thing he has ever treated himself with that was pretty darm expensive and for pure enjoyment alone. The cuda is apparently worth a lot. He loves that car. There was only like a few thousand or something made of them... I don't know exactly. Just repeating from memories of him talking about it.

He doesn't wear Rolex watches. Or Armani suits. He could. He could flash his money extravagantly, but he doesn't (Not that he doesn't have nice things). He just doesn't like being flashy and he has good self control. He didnt have much growing up and has a bit of distaste for rich people who are overly flashy about it. Its one of the many things I respect about him.

I have been paying attention to him and have noticed he has taken a fancy to a new muscle car. I don't think he will buy it for himself , but him, his brother and cousin have drooled over it a few times. I feel like he wants it, but is holding back almost on reflex.

It's not a classic. (I think I'm using that word right.) It's a new car. Well a 2018. They are not making a 2019 version apparently.

Its a dodge challenger demon. I want to get it for him. With my own money. Not money given to me. Not a joint account (that would ruin the surprise anyways). It would be my money. Mostly my money at least. My personal account has more than enough to cover the cost, but a sizable chunk of that is money my husband deposited before my affair.

If I factor in money that only I have saved through my own effort over the last 3 years it will cover almost all of it. My cost of living is pretty low seeing as my husband covers pretty much all large costs and I havn't taken to spending much of the money I have made. I have a pretty good job, though it's a job my husband secured for me through personal connections. So I can't be too proud of myself. I don't make a fraction of what my husband makes, but that's neither here nor there.

I could do it. I think he would love it. Is it wierd? How would that come across. I'm not entirely sure. Would it seem like a desperate bid to win him over? A manipulation? I just really want to do something nice for the man who has paved my way in life for nearly 2 decades.

To my husband the cost of the car isn't really a wow factor. But he would know it is a stretch for me and would be a somewhat sizable chunk of the funds available to me. I want to show him what he means to me and show him I can sacrifice for him.

I usually get him a suit or a watch. Nothing like this. I have already found the one. It's just about pulling the trigger at this point.

So. What are your thoughts? Too much? What could go wrong? Am I over thinking this? Is it too early for something like this?

He barely drives the hemi as it is a collector. It is his baby. This is something he could go joy ride. Sometimes I picture the both of us sitting in it and acting like stupid teenagers. Reving it and whatnot.

But I am hesitant. The only people who know my husband deeply enough and would have an opinion that would help me are his cousin and brother and I don't think it's a good idea to ask them.
So I have a Challenger, it's not a Demon. That is a hell of a car. But it's also quite the gift, it may be too much of a gift though.

One thing I would say is if you want him to joy ride in the car that is not the car to get. First off they only made 3300 of them, so it may not even be available anymore. Besides that since there are only 3300 of them and they are really built for drag racing the question is is he going to race it? If not I doubt he is going to want to tool around town in it like you think. It's too rare. At least it would be for me. With this car if you are going to buy it then you need to get it as it was intended, which means you get it without the back and passenger seats. You get the street legal but very unpractical drag racing tires. All those things means it's not the car to drive around town. It's the kind of car you tow to a drag racing track and challenge Bugattis and Lamborghinis with. At least in my mind. If he is anything like me, I would feel like that car would be wasted on me as it should go to someone who is going to race it. Now maybe your husband would, but it doesn't sound like it.

If you really want to get him a car that he would occasionally tool around it I say get him a Challenger Hellcat or if you really want to spend money the wide-body hellcat. Both beautiful and very fast cars. Hell if he likes fast cars get him a Tesla. The Model S P100D with Ludicrous mode goes 0-60 in 2.28 seconds. Plus it drives itself (not a figure of speech, you can take you hands of the wheel and it will drive itself) it's a sedan with a practical backseat. There is really nothing like that car.

Anyway I get the sentiment really I do but are you sure this is not a little over the top? You want to heal him, you want him to know how appreciative and thankful you are for him and mostly how sorry you are. I am not sure if big gifts would do it for me. You know what would do it. Maybe consistent letter writing for one. My wife being very open and vulnerable with me in every way, so that I know that she is really invested even more then before. And this consistently for years.

The truth one of the big tests is going to be when these feelings you are feeling are not as strong, and you have some down times. That is when the truth of all of this will be shown.

Anyway that is my two cents.
 

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Discussion Starter #452
[/quote]

So I have a Challenger, it's not a Demon. That is a hell of a car. But it's also quite the gift, it may be too much of a gift though.

One thing I would say is if you want him to joy ride in the car that is not the car to get. First off they only made 3300 of them, so it may not even be available anymore. Besides that since there are only 3300 of them and they are really built for drag racing the question is is he going to race it? If not I doubt he is going to want to tool around town in it like you think. It's too rare. At least it would be for me. With this car if you are going to buy it then you need to get it as it was intended, which means you get it without the back and passenger seats. You get the street legal but very unpractical drag racing tires. All those things means it's not the car to drive around town. It's the kind of car you tow to a drag racing track and challenge Bugattis and Lamborghinis with. At least in my mind. If he is anything like me, I would feel like that car would be wasted on me as it should go to someone who is going to race it. Now maybe your husband would, but it doesn't sound like it.

If you really want to get him a car that he would occasionally tool around it I say get him a Challenger Hellcat or if you really want to spend money the wide-body hellcat. Both beautiful and very fast cars. Hell if he likes fast cars get him a Tesla. The Model S P100D with Ludicrous mode goes 0-60 in 2.28 seconds. Plus it drives itself (not a figure of speech, you can take you hands of the wheel and it will drive itself) it's a sedan with a practical backseat. There is really nothing like that car.

Anyway I get the sentiment really I do but are you sure this is not a little over the top? You want to heal him, you want him to know how appreciative and thankful you are for him and mostly how sorry you are. I am not sure if big gifts would do it for me. You know what would do it. Maybe consistent letter writing for one. My wife being very open and vulnerable with me in every way, so that I know that she is really invested even more then before. And this consistently for years.

The truth one of the big tests is going to be when these feelings you are feeling are not as strong, and you have some down times. That is when the truth of all of this will be shown.

Anyway that is my two cents.[/QUOTE]

Thank you. For multiple reasons.

My ignorance of cars is showing through. I didn't really know it wouldn't be something you could joy ride. That would have been weird. And yah, I had to track down someone who is reselling the one they bought. The hellcat is an idea, but I'm not sure he is even interested in it. It wasn't about the price as much as it was about me being pretty sure he loves the idea of that car. If it was about money i could just write him a check. The price just made it a tricky gift to get in multiple way. The last thing I want is to give the wrong impression or make him feel bad.

I still do the writing letters type stuff. I actually am doing an "open when" letters gift. It's a bunch of letter with open when You are mad, sad , lonely, miss me type stuff written on them. He would open a few a week based on how he is feeling. It's taking a lot of thought to make them as personal and as meaningful as possible. I have a beautiful box with the contents of a letter I wrote him years ago etched on to the inside to store them. I am doing a photo album as well as some goofy gifts too.

This would have been extra. But I see your point and the poster above you. I feel it would have been foolish to do this. The back of my head kept screaming not to, but I wasn't sure. I would have bought it already if I was sure.

The biggest thing was what my husband would think. I didn't really mean this to fix anything between us, but it could have definantly looked that way. This isn't any easy method of finding forgiveness. I know. Just a gift. But yah... too much. My girlfriends also told me that.

I'm sort of stumped for gift ideas and he kept talking about that demon from time to time with his cousin. My husband is a hard man to get gifts for.

To add to that, he treats others better than himself. Me and our 1st daughter drive more expensive cars than he does. He is getting a pretty fabulous car for second daughter for christmas this year and I kinda thought it would be funny to hand him an extra set of keys right after he reveals her car.

I feel kinda inept right now. You saved me from being a fool.... again. I just feel like cuff links a suit or watch like I usually get would have been lazy and uninspired. I usually do some sentimental more meaningful gifts AND one bigger ticket item. NOTHING as big ticket as a demon, but something.

I still have time before Christmas. The meaningful gifts are well underway. The bigger ticket item has me stumped. I want it to be something he wants and that he will use. But he isnt exactly someone who pinnes away for material things.

I had a thought about a hunting rifle with a funny little inscription about being from his wife and also "for" his wife on it. But it seemed silly. I do know it is a gun he would like. His friend recommended it.

Oh by the way, That car actually drives itself!? That's neat.
 

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Does he like motorcycles? Football? Get him superbowl tickets. Other sports? What are his hobbies? You could plan a pre-baby vacation for the two of you. Does he have a mancave? Neon beer lights are always a hit. You two have an adventurous sex life, right? I got a boyfriend this light one year and he loved it. http://www.earthporm.com/butt-lamp/
 

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Discussion Starter #455
Does he like motorcycles? Football? Get him superbowl tickets. Other sports? What are his hobbies? You could plan a pre-baby vacation for the two of you. Does he have a mancave? Neon beer lights are always a hit. You two have an adventurous sex life, right? I got a boyfriend this light one year and he loved it. http://www.earthporm.com/butt-lamp/
Good suggestions. Those butt lamps had me giggling.

I was actually thinking about golf lessons with a golf professional. He is into football as well so super bowl tickets would be nice.

Thank you.
 

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Hi FoolishOne

Buying a significantly expensive gift, such as a car, could be taken the wrong way by your husband, this soon after starting to reconcile.

What my cousin did for her husband for his birthday, who is a mustang nut … er … enthusiast, was to pay for a day package at a local professional race track which included:

a. a current year mustang modified for racing;
b. laps with a race car driver who drove the vehicle;
c. lessons how to drive/race this car; and
d. the pièce de résistance which was my cousin’s husband taking the mustang for several laps by himself (after the lessons).

Change the car to his “dream car” with perhaps including “take a friend” in this gift.

Respectively

Joe75
 

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Get him a necktie and a copy of Fifty Shades of Gray.

My wife got me a coupon book several years ago. The first one said to be redeemed for a full body massage........... and went from there to others things I could get.
 

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Hi FoolishOne

Buying a significantly expensive gift, such as a car, could be taken the wrong way by your husband, this soon after starting to reconcile.

What my cousin did for her husband for his birthday, who is a mustang nut … er … enthusiast, was to pay for a day package at a local professional race track which included:

a. a current year mustang modified for racing;
b. laps with a race car driver who drove the vehicle;
c. lessons how to drive/race this car; and
d. the pièce de résistance which was my cousin’s husband taking the mustang for several laps by himself (after the lessons).

Change the car to his “dream car” with perhaps including “take a friend” in this gift.

Respectively

Joe75
Had a friend get this, I was jealous. It was a great gift.
 

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Discussion Starter #460
Hi FoolishOne

Buying a significantly expensive gift, such as a car, could be taken the wrong way by your husband, this soon after starting to reconcile.

What my cousin did for her husband for his birthday, who is a mustang nut … er … enthusiast, was to pay for a day package at a local professional race track which included:

a. a current year mustang modified for racing;
b. laps with a race car driver who drove the vehicle;
c. lessons how to drive/race this car; and
d. the pièce de résistance which was my cousin’s husband taking the mustang for several laps by himself (after the lessons).

Change the car to his “dream car” with perhaps including “take a friend” in this gift.

Respectively

Joe75
That's a great idea. He gets to toy around with his favorite car without making things awkward.

The demon may be hard to get this package for though. They are pretty rare. Most people who own one seem to store it. He has other cars he likes though.

Do they do it with formula one cars? He is into formula 1.

Cars, golf, football, hunting and fishing. Those are his pastimes more or less. Cars is more of a thing he picked up from his grandfather. His grandfather was a car fanatic. Went to the nationals with his grandfather every year before his grandfather's health went.
 
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