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4 Posts
Hello everyone,
This is my first time to this forum. I am so glad that I found this site. For the past couple of days, I have felt overwhelmed, and I desperately need to vent and hopefully get some advice.
So, this is my story. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year. We have been through a lot of stress and hard times throughout our relationship, but despite these rough patches, we have always made it through with strong respect and love for each other. However, for the past few weeks, I have found that we are arguing more frequently, and he is becoming angry and defensive more easily than usual. We live in a high stress situation (we have jobs in different states and both our families strongly disapprove of our marriage), but we are hoping to finally live together permanently in April of this year. I know he is currently under a lot of stress with his job and working towards his future goals, and I have attributed his behavior towards me to this. Most of our arguments in the past have resulted from miscommunication, misunderstandings, and him thinking that I am trying to change him in some way. I will admit that I have had problems with anxiety and depression for most of my life, so I know I am far from perfect. I cry easily and sometimes read too much into situations when it's not necessary (for example, hearing criticism from him and then assuming it means he's disappointed in me and our marriage and regrets being with me). In all of our arguments in the past, we sometimes raise our voices and yell, but we find a way to reconcile (usually by me initiating an apology even though I know I was not the only one at fault).
Yesterday, my husband was driving us back home and pressed hard on the gas while backing the car up, causing me to jolt forward in my seat. I asked him to please not do that, and he said "this is the way I drive". He has always been a bit of a reckless driver, and I have high anxiety whenever I'm in a car in general, especially because I have been in a couple of car accidents before. I have asked him multiple times in the past to please drive carefully because it makes me extremely uncomfortable/anxious when he slams on the gas and slams on the brakes while driving. But this has never stopped him. One time, he drove >120 mph on the interstate after I asked him to please not speed too much with me in the car. Not only do I fear for my safety (and others' safety), but currently he is not an insured driver in my car that I am letting him drive (we are working on fixing this).
Anyway, back to last night...after I asked him to please not drive that way while I'm in the car, he started speeding excessively on the street we were on (going a little over 60 mph on a street that had a speed limit of 25 mph to 30 mph). At this point, I told him that I don't want him to drive me anywhere again if he plans on driving that way. When we pulled into our parking lot (we live in an apartment complex), he slammed on the gas as hard as he could (moving towards a car parked in front of him), then slammed on the brakes just short of hitting the car. He then put the car in reverse to back up into our parking spot, slamming on the gas again and then slamming on the breaks just before hitting the fence behind our spot. I was so shocked, scared, and upset while he did this that I yelled "what the ****??...JACKASS!" without even thinking. When he stopped the car, I quickly got out, slammed the door, and went into our apartment. When he got back to the apartment, I told him to give me my car keys, which he then threw down on the table in front of me. I spent an hour or two thinking in silence after this (and crying), and regretting that I had called him a name. I have never ever called him a name before, and he has never called me a name. I knew it was wrong, but it slipped out of my mouth in a moment where I felt very fearful, angry, and upset. I thought maybe I had overreacted about the way he backed up quickly the first time, but I didn't even yell in the beginning. I just asked him to please not drive that way when I'm in the car.
So ultimately, I walked back to my husband, trying to forget about my need to be right and apologized sincerely for calling him a name. At the same time, I told him that there was no excuse for him to purposefully drive that way to scare me and upset me. He refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing whatsoever and would barely talk to me or look at me. When I asked him why he chose to purposefully do something that he knew would upset me, he said "this is ME." He then spent the next 6 hours in our apartment ignoring me and doing random things (cooking, humming the song "too late to apologize" loudly, and watching a movie with the volume very high). In the morning, a friend picked him up to go to the airport (he was scheduled to fly back that day to go back to work anyway), and he didn't say a word to me before leaving. Now, he is posting vague passive aggressive messages on his facebook wall, causing all of his friends to ask what's going on.
I am sorry for the wall of text, but I felt that I needed to describe the situation in detail. I am at the point now where I'm trying to figure out if I'm crazy or if he should apologize as well for what he did. I recognize that name-calling is never acceptable and he has a right to be upset about that. But I feel that I have a right to be upset with the way he acted as well. Is it crazy to think that a reasonable husband would try to avoid doing things that upset or make his wife anxious/uncomfortable or upset, even if he doesn't think what he's doing should cause discomfort? I am not purposefully trying to make a big deal out of things that don't deserve it, but I can't help that I feel extremely anxious when he drives that way. This fight also makes me think of a similar situation that happened early on in our relationship, when he made a comment suggesting that I "wasn't as smart as he thought I was" when I misunderstood something he said and asked a question. At that time, I told him that a comment like that was hurtful and I didn't like it. He said it was a joke-- I told him I didn't think it was funny and asked him not to "joke" like that with me. Then, he said that he would NOT stop it because he likes joking that way, even if it hurts me. This seems so crazy and disrespectful to me...If he ever told me that something I did made him upset, I would do my best to stop it instantly (even if I think it shouldn't upset him), as long as it's not that important to me.
So, right now, he's essentially ignoring me, and I am debating whether I should just stick with my apology and let what he did go? I don't even know if he will ever forgive me for calling him a name, so maybe all of this is pointless and the relationship is over anyway. At the same time, I'm wondering if I even want to stay in a relationship where I feel my feelings are not respected. Am I crazy? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I feel confused and overwhelmed, so any help or advice would be appreciated. I realize my problems may sound small and insignificant to many, but it's truly affecting me in a bad way...
This is my first time to this forum. I am so glad that I found this site. For the past couple of days, I have felt overwhelmed, and I desperately need to vent and hopefully get some advice.
So, this is my story. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year. We have been through a lot of stress and hard times throughout our relationship, but despite these rough patches, we have always made it through with strong respect and love for each other. However, for the past few weeks, I have found that we are arguing more frequently, and he is becoming angry and defensive more easily than usual. We live in a high stress situation (we have jobs in different states and both our families strongly disapprove of our marriage), but we are hoping to finally live together permanently in April of this year. I know he is currently under a lot of stress with his job and working towards his future goals, and I have attributed his behavior towards me to this. Most of our arguments in the past have resulted from miscommunication, misunderstandings, and him thinking that I am trying to change him in some way. I will admit that I have had problems with anxiety and depression for most of my life, so I know I am far from perfect. I cry easily and sometimes read too much into situations when it's not necessary (for example, hearing criticism from him and then assuming it means he's disappointed in me and our marriage and regrets being with me). In all of our arguments in the past, we sometimes raise our voices and yell, but we find a way to reconcile (usually by me initiating an apology even though I know I was not the only one at fault).
Yesterday, my husband was driving us back home and pressed hard on the gas while backing the car up, causing me to jolt forward in my seat. I asked him to please not do that, and he said "this is the way I drive". He has always been a bit of a reckless driver, and I have high anxiety whenever I'm in a car in general, especially because I have been in a couple of car accidents before. I have asked him multiple times in the past to please drive carefully because it makes me extremely uncomfortable/anxious when he slams on the gas and slams on the brakes while driving. But this has never stopped him. One time, he drove >120 mph on the interstate after I asked him to please not speed too much with me in the car. Not only do I fear for my safety (and others' safety), but currently he is not an insured driver in my car that I am letting him drive (we are working on fixing this).
Anyway, back to last night...after I asked him to please not drive that way while I'm in the car, he started speeding excessively on the street we were on (going a little over 60 mph on a street that had a speed limit of 25 mph to 30 mph). At this point, I told him that I don't want him to drive me anywhere again if he plans on driving that way. When we pulled into our parking lot (we live in an apartment complex), he slammed on the gas as hard as he could (moving towards a car parked in front of him), then slammed on the brakes just short of hitting the car. He then put the car in reverse to back up into our parking spot, slamming on the gas again and then slamming on the breaks just before hitting the fence behind our spot. I was so shocked, scared, and upset while he did this that I yelled "what the ****??...JACKASS!" without even thinking. When he stopped the car, I quickly got out, slammed the door, and went into our apartment. When he got back to the apartment, I told him to give me my car keys, which he then threw down on the table in front of me. I spent an hour or two thinking in silence after this (and crying), and regretting that I had called him a name. I have never ever called him a name before, and he has never called me a name. I knew it was wrong, but it slipped out of my mouth in a moment where I felt very fearful, angry, and upset. I thought maybe I had overreacted about the way he backed up quickly the first time, but I didn't even yell in the beginning. I just asked him to please not drive that way when I'm in the car.
So ultimately, I walked back to my husband, trying to forget about my need to be right and apologized sincerely for calling him a name. At the same time, I told him that there was no excuse for him to purposefully drive that way to scare me and upset me. He refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing whatsoever and would barely talk to me or look at me. When I asked him why he chose to purposefully do something that he knew would upset me, he said "this is ME." He then spent the next 6 hours in our apartment ignoring me and doing random things (cooking, humming the song "too late to apologize" loudly, and watching a movie with the volume very high). In the morning, a friend picked him up to go to the airport (he was scheduled to fly back that day to go back to work anyway), and he didn't say a word to me before leaving. Now, he is posting vague passive aggressive messages on his facebook wall, causing all of his friends to ask what's going on.
I am sorry for the wall of text, but I felt that I needed to describe the situation in detail. I am at the point now where I'm trying to figure out if I'm crazy or if he should apologize as well for what he did. I recognize that name-calling is never acceptable and he has a right to be upset about that. But I feel that I have a right to be upset with the way he acted as well. Is it crazy to think that a reasonable husband would try to avoid doing things that upset or make his wife anxious/uncomfortable or upset, even if he doesn't think what he's doing should cause discomfort? I am not purposefully trying to make a big deal out of things that don't deserve it, but I can't help that I feel extremely anxious when he drives that way. This fight also makes me think of a similar situation that happened early on in our relationship, when he made a comment suggesting that I "wasn't as smart as he thought I was" when I misunderstood something he said and asked a question. At that time, I told him that a comment like that was hurtful and I didn't like it. He said it was a joke-- I told him I didn't think it was funny and asked him not to "joke" like that with me. Then, he said that he would NOT stop it because he likes joking that way, even if it hurts me. This seems so crazy and disrespectful to me...If he ever told me that something I did made him upset, I would do my best to stop it instantly (even if I think it shouldn't upset him), as long as it's not that important to me.
So, right now, he's essentially ignoring me, and I am debating whether I should just stick with my apology and let what he did go? I don't even know if he will ever forgive me for calling him a name, so maybe all of this is pointless and the relationship is over anyway. At the same time, I'm wondering if I even want to stay in a relationship where I feel my feelings are not respected. Am I crazy? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I feel confused and overwhelmed, so any help or advice would be appreciated. I realize my problems may sound small and insignificant to many, but it's truly affecting me in a bad way...
