Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 41 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone,

This is my first time to this forum. I am so glad that I found this site. For the past couple of days, I have felt overwhelmed, and I desperately need to vent and hopefully get some advice.

So, this is my story. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year. We have been through a lot of stress and hard times throughout our relationship, but despite these rough patches, we have always made it through with strong respect and love for each other. However, for the past few weeks, I have found that we are arguing more frequently, and he is becoming angry and defensive more easily than usual. We live in a high stress situation (we have jobs in different states and both our families strongly disapprove of our marriage), but we are hoping to finally live together permanently in April of this year. I know he is currently under a lot of stress with his job and working towards his future goals, and I have attributed his behavior towards me to this. Most of our arguments in the past have resulted from miscommunication, misunderstandings, and him thinking that I am trying to change him in some way. I will admit that I have had problems with anxiety and depression for most of my life, so I know I am far from perfect. I cry easily and sometimes read too much into situations when it's not necessary (for example, hearing criticism from him and then assuming it means he's disappointed in me and our marriage and regrets being with me). In all of our arguments in the past, we sometimes raise our voices and yell, but we find a way to reconcile (usually by me initiating an apology even though I know I was not the only one at fault).
Yesterday, my husband was driving us back home and pressed hard on the gas while backing the car up, causing me to jolt forward in my seat. I asked him to please not do that, and he said "this is the way I drive". He has always been a bit of a reckless driver, and I have high anxiety whenever I'm in a car in general, especially because I have been in a couple of car accidents before. I have asked him multiple times in the past to please drive carefully because it makes me extremely uncomfortable/anxious when he slams on the gas and slams on the brakes while driving. But this has never stopped him. One time, he drove >120 mph on the interstate after I asked him to please not speed too much with me in the car. Not only do I fear for my safety (and others' safety), but currently he is not an insured driver in my car that I am letting him drive (we are working on fixing this).
Anyway, back to last night...after I asked him to please not drive that way while I'm in the car, he started speeding excessively on the street we were on (going a little over 60 mph on a street that had a speed limit of 25 mph to 30 mph). At this point, I told him that I don't want him to drive me anywhere again if he plans on driving that way. When we pulled into our parking lot (we live in an apartment complex), he slammed on the gas as hard as he could (moving towards a car parked in front of him), then slammed on the brakes just short of hitting the car. He then put the car in reverse to back up into our parking spot, slamming on the gas again and then slamming on the breaks just before hitting the fence behind our spot. I was so shocked, scared, and upset while he did this that I yelled "what the ****??...JACKASS!" without even thinking. When he stopped the car, I quickly got out, slammed the door, and went into our apartment. When he got back to the apartment, I told him to give me my car keys, which he then threw down on the table in front of me. I spent an hour or two thinking in silence after this (and crying), and regretting that I had called him a name. I have never ever called him a name before, and he has never called me a name. I knew it was wrong, but it slipped out of my mouth in a moment where I felt very fearful, angry, and upset. I thought maybe I had overreacted about the way he backed up quickly the first time, but I didn't even yell in the beginning. I just asked him to please not drive that way when I'm in the car.
So ultimately, I walked back to my husband, trying to forget about my need to be right and apologized sincerely for calling him a name. At the same time, I told him that there was no excuse for him to purposefully drive that way to scare me and upset me. He refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing whatsoever and would barely talk to me or look at me. When I asked him why he chose to purposefully do something that he knew would upset me, he said "this is ME." He then spent the next 6 hours in our apartment ignoring me and doing random things (cooking, humming the song "too late to apologize" loudly, and watching a movie with the volume very high). In the morning, a friend picked him up to go to the airport (he was scheduled to fly back that day to go back to work anyway), and he didn't say a word to me before leaving. Now, he is posting vague passive aggressive messages on his facebook wall, causing all of his friends to ask what's going on.

I am sorry for the wall of text, but I felt that I needed to describe the situation in detail. I am at the point now where I'm trying to figure out if I'm crazy or if he should apologize as well for what he did. I recognize that name-calling is never acceptable and he has a right to be upset about that. But I feel that I have a right to be upset with the way he acted as well. Is it crazy to think that a reasonable husband would try to avoid doing things that upset or make his wife anxious/uncomfortable or upset, even if he doesn't think what he's doing should cause discomfort? I am not purposefully trying to make a big deal out of things that don't deserve it, but I can't help that I feel extremely anxious when he drives that way. This fight also makes me think of a similar situation that happened early on in our relationship, when he made a comment suggesting that I "wasn't as smart as he thought I was" when I misunderstood something he said and asked a question. At that time, I told him that a comment like that was hurtful and I didn't like it. He said it was a joke-- I told him I didn't think it was funny and asked him not to "joke" like that with me. Then, he said that he would NOT stop it because he likes joking that way, even if it hurts me. This seems so crazy and disrespectful to me...If he ever told me that something I did made him upset, I would do my best to stop it instantly (even if I think it shouldn't upset him), as long as it's not that important to me.

So, right now, he's essentially ignoring me, and I am debating whether I should just stick with my apology and let what he did go? I don't even know if he will ever forgive me for calling him a name, so maybe all of this is pointless and the relationship is over anyway. At the same time, I'm wondering if I even want to stay in a relationship where I feel my feelings are not respected. Am I crazy? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I feel confused and overwhelmed, so any help or advice would be appreciated. I realize my problems may sound small and insignificant to many, but it's truly affecting me in a bad way...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,109 Posts
This fight also makes me think of a similar situation that happened early on in our relationship, when he made a comment suggesting that I "wasn't as smart as he thought I was" when I misunderstood something he said and asked a question. At that time, I told him that a comment like that was hurtful and I didn't like it. He said it was a joke-- I told him I didn't think it was funny and asked him not to "joke" like that with me. Then, he said that he would NOT stop it because he likes joking that way, even if it hurts me. This seems so crazy and disrespectful to me...If he ever told me that something I did made him upset, I would do my best to stop it instantly (even if I think it shouldn't upset him), as long as it's not that important to me.
He showed you who he was when you were in the early stages. He wasn't kidding. This is who he is. You must have thought you could change him in order to continue in the relationship. Either that or you were/are willing to put up with this.

So now that you are one year into marriage, hopefully you now see this IS WHO HE IS.

Your only decision now should be about whether you want to be with someone who is like this or not. Do not expect any changes. Its all up to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
He showed you who he was when you were in the early stages. He wasn't kidding. This is who he is. You must have thought you could change him in order to continue in the relationship. Either that or you were/are willing to put up with this.

So now that you are one year into marriage, hopefully you now see this IS WHO HE IS.

Your only decision now should be about whether you want to be with someone who is like this or not. Do not expect any changes. Its all up to you.
You're right...maybe I didn't truly believe that's who he really was early on. Things like this didn't happen often before, but that one time should have been a red flag to me. After that first incident, I sort of got him to agree with me that what he did was wrong (but maybe he was just pretending to agree with me to get me to stop talking about it). Now, he's repeating the same thing...I don't think he understands why what he's doing is wrong...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,109 Posts
You're right...maybe I didn't truly believe that's who he really was early on. Things like this didn't happen often before, but that one time should have been a red flag to me. After that first incident, I sort of got him to agree with me that what he did was wrong (but maybe he was just pretending to agree with me to get me to stop talking about it). Now, he's repeating the same thing...I don't think he understands why what he's doing is wrong...
What he's doing isn't really "wrong" it is just not what you want in a husband. However, he is your husband so you have to examine your choice.

It isn't "wrong" because some women would act just like him and enjoy his antics. (Not saying most women, but some would). Point being, he is who he is. Who people are isn't "wrong" but they will certainly be the wrong partner for some people.

You and he are different, neither are right or wrong. It does sound like you are wrong for each other though.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,345 Posts
Wow. I'd tell him to stay where he's at and your attorney will handle the divorce over email. What an a$$!

Do you two have a good sex life? How intimate (sex, kissing, hugging) are you two? Sounds like a bizarre marriage. Did you meet online? Hell, look at the subject you wrote in your post. You're worried about calling him a name. You got way bigger issues than that.

Don't let shame and guilt keep you from living a fulfilling life. You can admit to your family you married the wrong person, they were right, and move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
No, your problems do not sound insignificant. After reading your post, my only thought is why in the hell would you still want to be married to him? He's simply an inconsiderate jerk.
Thank you for saying that it's not insignificant.... Sometimes, he seems so inconsiderate that it drives me crazy, but other times we are able to have open and respectful conversations about our thoughts and feelings, even if we disagree on something.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,075 Posts
@Naivelover You were right to call him a name. I was sure that story was going to end with you in the hospital, in traction. You are risking your life every time you get in the car with him behind the wheel.

So, he says, THIS IS ME. He is a man who refuses to take his wife's fear over her safety seriously, who instead mocks her and intentionally drives and behaves in a way that terrifies her. Then he tried to make you feel BAD for complaining about his sh!tty treatment of you, he's giving you the silent treatment, and he's being passive aggressive.

You, my dear, are married to a big fat bully, and he is always going to be this way. He's not going to get better, he will only get worse.

What he is doing is psychological abuse. And I see hints of verbal abuse there as well. Who knows what will happen next? Do you need to land in the hospital with multiple broken bones before you open your eyes to the truth that is in front of you? This is not healthy for you (or for anyone). Get out now, while you still can. You said that the two of you are living apart? I would tell him not to bother coming back to see you, and file divorce papers. This isn't going to get better for you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,750 Posts
Wow!

Is he 14 years old?

I hung out with a wild bunch of guys when I was in High School.

All of us regularly drag raced. We always took every car that we owned and tested how fast it would go. We loved "pegging" the speedometer.

Those were the days when you could buy old cars for 100 dollars. When you crashed one or blew it up, you junked it and bought another.

I lost four friends to accidents, car and motorcycle. I injured myself a few times. That was before seat belt usage. Really dumb ****.


I stopped doing that crap when I got out of high school and entered the military. My friends back home? Maybe when they turned 25!

He is going to die and take you with him. Do not let him.....Dump him.

Oh, if he drinks...stay as far away from him as possible. Alcohol and machinery do not mix.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
Wow. I'd tell him to stay where he's at and your attorney will handle the divorce over email. What an a$$!

Do you two have a good sex life? How intimate (sex, kissing, hugging) are you two? Sounds like a bizarre marriage. Did you meet online? Hell, look at the subject you wrote in your post. You're worried about calling him a name. You got way bigger issues than that.

Don't let shame and guilt keep you from living a fulfilling life. You can admit to your family you married the wrong person, they were right, and move on.
We actually met during graduate school, but our jobs after school have required us to be in different cities for a while. We see each other for 3-4 days every 2-3 weeks and talk every day for hours on the phone. We are actually extremely intimate and enjoy each other frequently when we are together (and not fighting). I will admit that our marriage situation is a very unusual one to say the least though (with regards to our relationships with our families, etc.).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,415 Posts
>120mph? I would never get in a car with him behind the wheel again. Your H is a childish jackazz. I would not have apologized. Next time you drive. If he takes issue, drive yourself. 120 mph in a car. What is he thinking???
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ursula

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,930 Posts
Your husband is downright dangerous. He is literally an accident waiting to happen. Allowing him to drive your car when he is not insured is just plain dumb. Do you really want to be married to an immature jerk? Do you want your future kids to ride in a car with him?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,326 Posts
Your husband had no right to frighten you in the car and you would have been justified in calling him a lot worse than you did.However the bigger problems is him not accepting your apology,leaving without at least discussing the problem and now posting passive aggressive comments on Facebook.If you did only call him a jack a** then he is being ridiculous and is emotionally bullying you.Is this how your future is going to be,any problems with children,finance,house etc he behaves like a spoilt child.It is obvious to me and probably everyone else reading your story that your husband enjoys scaring you but even worse enjoys seeing you upset.This is very worrying this early in your relationship that he takes pleasure in your sadness.I would tell him not to come home unless he is prepared to radically change his behaviour but I wonder what it was your family saw in him but you didn't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,415 Posts
Your husband had no right to frighten you in the car and you would have been justified in calling him a lot worse than you did.However the bigger problems is him not accepting your apology,leaving without at least discussing the problem and now posting passive aggressive comments on Facebook.If you did only call him a jack a** then he is being ridiculous and is emotionally bullying you.Is this how your future is going to be,any problems with children,finance,house etc he behaves like a spoilt child.It is obvious to me and probably everyone else reading your story that your husband enjoys scaring you but even worse enjoys seeing you upset.This is very worrying this early in your relationship that he takes pleasure in your sadness.I would tell him not to come home unless he is prepared to radically change his behaviour but I wonder what it was your family saw in him but you didn't.
Good post and dead on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
873 Posts
You really should be more worried about a lot more than you calling him that name. It is extremely disturbing that your partner finds pleasure in your panic and discomfort. That comes across as little sadistic and having grown up in an abusive home this would be a major red flag for me. I've seen my father hit my mom and watch her cower in pain and fear. He took pleasure in it, would pick on her for crying and would involve us kids in belittling her response to the situation. This may not describe what happened to you but it is the same sadistic behaviour.

He's not only sadistic, he's very childish on top of it all. He's posting on social media because he wants others to ask about the situation. He wants them to ask because he's so convinced that you wronged him and they'll validate his feelings when he explains what happened. He wants you to experience the discomfort of others asking about the issue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,444 Posts
if he keeps driving like this he's going to have a real problem one day. You should really stop and think if you want to be married to someone like this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,326 Posts
if he keeps driving like this he's going to have a real problem one day. You should really stop and think if you want to be married to someone like this.
I completely agree and what's more op,if he has an accident while driving your car you have the lovely choice of accepting responsibility and maybe thousands of dollars in costs or else having your husband arrested for stealing your car.You could lose your husband and your home in certain circumstances.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,798 Posts
No, you're not crazy, and no, you shouldn't stay in a relationship where your feelings aren't respected. Name calling is never a good thing, but neither is what he did. He refuses to apologize, or even acknowledge, and that's not cool in my books. If I were you, and the next time you're together, I would be keeping my car keys on my own body at all times. I wouldn't let him near the driver's seat. Compound that with the fact that if an accident were to happen on his watch, you're not covered through insurance. Would he pay for the damages, or shove them off on you? I think this is a relationship I'd be thinking twice about.

Hello everyone,

This is my first time to this forum. I am so glad that I found this site. For the past couple of days, I have felt overwhelmed, and I desperately need to vent and hopefully get some advice.

So, this is my story. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year. We have been through a lot of stress and hard times throughout our relationship, but despite these rough patches, we have always made it through with strong respect and love for each other. However, for the past few weeks, I have found that we are arguing more frequently, and he is becoming angry and defensive more easily than usual. We live in a high stress situation (we have jobs in different states and both our families strongly disapprove of our marriage), but we are hoping to finally live together permanently in April of this year. I know he is currently under a lot of stress with his job and working towards his future goals, and I have attributed his behavior towards me to this. Most of our arguments in the past have resulted from miscommunication, misunderstandings, and him thinking that I am trying to change him in some way. I will admit that I have had problems with anxiety and depression for most of my life, so I know I am far from perfect. I cry easily and sometimes read too much into situations when it's not necessary (for example, hearing criticism from him and then assuming it means he's disappointed in me and our marriage and regrets being with me). In all of our arguments in the past, we sometimes raise our voices and yell, but we find a way to reconcile (usually by me initiating an apology even though I know I was not the only one at fault).
Yesterday, my husband was driving us back home and pressed hard on the gas while backing the car up, causing me to jolt forward in my seat. I asked him to please not do that, and he said "this is the way I drive". He has always been a bit of a reckless driver, and I have high anxiety whenever I'm in a car in general, especially because I have been in a couple of car accidents before. I have asked him multiple times in the past to please drive carefully because it makes me extremely uncomfortable/anxious when he slams on the gas and slams on the brakes while driving. But this has never stopped him. One time, he drove >120 mph on the interstate after I asked him to please not speed too much with me in the car. Not only do I fear for my safety (and others' safety), but currently he is not an insured driver in my car that I am letting him drive (we are working on fixing this).
Anyway, back to last night...after I asked him to please not drive that way while I'm in the car, he started speeding excessively on the street we were on (going a little over 60 mph on a street that had a speed limit of 25 mph to 30 mph). At this point, I told him that I don't want him to drive me anywhere again if he plans on driving that way. When we pulled into our parking lot (we live in an apartment complex), he slammed on the gas as hard as he could (moving towards a car parked in front of him), then slammed on the brakes just short of hitting the car. He then put the car in reverse to back up into our parking spot, slamming on the gas again and then slamming on the breaks just before hitting the fence behind our spot. I was so shocked, scared, and upset while he did this that I yelled "what the ****??...JACKASS!" without even thinking. When he stopped the car, I quickly got out, slammed the door, and went into our apartment. When he got back to the apartment, I told him to give me my car keys, which he then threw down on the table in front of me. I spent an hour or two thinking in silence after this (and crying), and regretting that I had called him a name. I have never ever called him a name before, and he has never called me a name. I knew it was wrong, but it slipped out of my mouth in a moment where I felt very fearful, angry, and upset. I thought maybe I had overreacted about the way he backed up quickly the first time, but I didn't even yell in the beginning. I just asked him to please not drive that way when I'm in the car.
So ultimately, I walked back to my husband, trying to forget about my need to be right and apologized sincerely for calling him a name. At the same time, I told him that there was no excuse for him to purposefully drive that way to scare me and upset me. He refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing whatsoever and would barely talk to me or look at me. When I asked him why he chose to purposefully do something that he knew would upset me, he said "this is ME." He then spent the next 6 hours in our apartment ignoring me and doing random things (cooking, humming the song "too late to apologize" loudly, and watching a movie with the volume very high). In the morning, a friend picked him up to go to the airport (he was scheduled to fly back that day to go back to work anyway), and he didn't say a word to me before leaving. Now, he is posting vague passive aggressive messages on his facebook wall, causing all of his friends to ask what's going on.

I am sorry for the wall of text, but I felt that I needed to describe the situation in detail. I am at the point now where I'm trying to figure out if I'm crazy or if he should apologize as well for what he did. I recognize that name-calling is never acceptable and he has a right to be upset about that. But I feel that I have a right to be upset with the way he acted as well. Is it crazy to think that a reasonable husband would try to avoid doing things that upset or make his wife anxious/uncomfortable or upset, even if he doesn't think what he's doing should cause discomfort? I am not purposefully trying to make a big deal out of things that don't deserve it, but I can't help that I feel extremely anxious when he drives that way. This fight also makes me think of a similar situation that happened early on in our relationship, when he made a comment suggesting that I "wasn't as smart as he thought I was" when I misunderstood something he said and asked a question. At that time, I told him that a comment like that was hurtful and I didn't like it. He said it was a joke-- I told him I didn't think it was funny and asked him not to "joke" like that with me. Then, he said that he would NOT stop it because he likes joking that way, even if it hurts me. This seems so crazy and disrespectful to me...If he ever told me that something I did made him upset, I would do my best to stop it instantly (even if I think it shouldn't upset him), as long as it's not that important to me.

So, right now, he's essentially ignoring me, and I am debating whether I should just stick with my apology and let what he did go? I don't even know if he will ever forgive me for calling him a name, so maybe all of this is pointless and the relationship is over anyway. At the same time, I'm wondering if I even want to stay in a relationship where I feel my feelings are not respected. Am I crazy? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I feel confused and overwhelmed, so any help or advice would be appreciated. I realize my problems may sound small and insignificant to many, but it's truly affecting me in a bad way...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,798 Posts
I'm in Canada, and read that as 120 km/hr. I just did the calculation though, and that's 193 km/hr. Holy smokes! I'd never, ever, ever, EVER get into a car with him behind the wheel ever again. Does he have a death wish?!? :-o

>120mph? I would never get in a car with him behind the wheel again. Your H is a childish jackazz. I would not have apologized. Next time you drive. If he takes issue, drive yourself. 120 mph in a car. What is he thinking???
 
1 - 20 of 41 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top