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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi guys, I’ve posted my new member introduction so feel free to check that post for a quick background on myself.

Where do I start? I’ve met my wife in October 2001 at school. I secretly admired her up until September 2003 where I told her that I have strong feelings for her. Unfortunately, she was with someone at the time. It was at this point I tried relentlessly to forget her but in between we would have some phone conversations. She would be the one to initiate the call in most if not all instances.

In August 2004, I was on my way to Texas to witness the graduation of my brother and before I left, I decided to give her a small package containing letters that I typed but never got the chance to give her because I was simply too shy at the time.

I think it was in January or February of 2005, I received a surprised phone call from her where she was in a bit of distress. It appears the relationship with her boyfriend was either over or coming to an end. I tried to support her over the next few months especially knowing that perhaps I may have a chance finally to be with her.

I would like to point out that in no time whatsoever was I disrespectful to her or her body. I did not bring any shame or dishonor to any of our families. We never kissed nor even touched each other.

After spending more time with each other, it was not until August of 2005 that I took her to the local Botanical Gardens and went down on my knees and asked her to be my girlfriend. She accepted. I then brought her to my parents’ home in September 2005 to introduce her to my parents and brother.

On December 2011 at a local hotel, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She accepted but before that, I asked her parents and siblings permission to marry my girlfriend. Upon receiving their blessings, I proceeded to purchase the engagement ring. We subsequently got married in July 2012. The wedding was a great time where we shared our special day with around 300 guests.

Fast forward to September 2019, my wife told me that she is pregnant as she took a pregnancy test for verification. We confirmed the pregnancy in early October 2019 at a gynecologist. I never left my wife’s side as I’ve always been with her to each doctor‘s appointment.

We welcomed the birth of our daughter in May 2020 where I was given the opportunity to cut the umbilical cord.

Ever since June 2020, I’ve witnessed the decay of our marriage. I’ve had some issues with my mother in law in the past but it got progressively worse since then even though we appear to be normal to each other in person. Similarly, I had a bad encounter with my father in law in May 2021.

I noticed that my wife argues with me a lot and does not speak to me much anymore. She doesn’t confide in me and she basically has no romantic interest in me anymore. We do not see eye-to-eye on many aspects of our marriage and basically accuses me of being an abuser for the past 16 years.

Admittedly, I recognize that I do have several behavioral concerns to deal with but in no way did I ever physically abuse her especially where there had to be intervention by family, friends of even law enforcement in our lives. She has successfully ‘guilt tripped’ me into thinking that I am and was the worse possible husband I could ever be.

Not withstanding, my wife is not without her faults as well. She has deceived me in the past but I forgave her. She remains very secretive and does not like to talk on her phone nor message other people especially in my presence.

Going forward, I profusely apologized to her and her relatives for my behavior over the years. I want my wife and I want my daughter to be in a stable home where she has both her mommy and daddy around. My wife did come from a broken home and she told me that she has all right to divorce me because I broke my marital covenant to her in being a bad husband.

This whole scenario is so bizarre that I was beginning to wonder if the actual problem was her, meaning that she probably cheated and that guilt hangs over her head and therefore she is finding every possible fault about me to give her a sense of justification. Be it as it may, I have no evidence of her ever cheating on me but I do have a particular instance where she gave me some doubt. This took place on December 2018.

Currently, my wife really does not care if I exist or not. I can basically leave our marital home and she won’t care. Even if I cheat or abandon her, she really does not care. I think my wife has fallen out of love with me and despite my efforts to make it work, she basically gives me the cold shoulder and I cannot even touch her.

It really breaks my heart especially this whole situation coming to a high point mere days before Christmas but all I want is for her to love me once again so that we can be a properly functioning family. We have some counseling sessions coming up in January so perhaps this may be a good start.

My wife is my first and she would be my last. I married my first girlfriend and thus I have no desire to pursue another relationship. If it is God‘s will that we be divorced then so it shall be but my concern is our daughter. She is such a beautiful, intelligent and precious gift that I cannot fathom the thought of not seeing her like I used to.

Any advice that you all can give would be greatly appreciated. If you made it this far in my long post then thank you all very much for lending me an ear. May God Bless you all and Merry Christmas from my family to yours.
 

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I mean there must be changes in the marriage after a child is born and they are a baby and really going forward from there, but especially when they are a baby or toddler and require constant attention. Sex usually does become very infrequent after childbirth and while the child is exhausting like that. I believe she thinks you are not helping enough around the house or with the child and that is leaving her exhausted. I believe she considers that mentally abusive as many women do. It sounds to me like you may have just been expecting life to go on as usual for you. That isn't realistic.

That is the most common cause for what you describe, but I am very interested in what your mother-in-law and father-in-law are having issues with you about.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
Thank you all so much for the quick replies. Currently it’s after mid night where I am so I’ll be as brief, honest and factual as possible.

Anastasia, I am looking for advice to stay married but also would not deny information that could help me in the event that divorce is in the cards.

DownByTheRiver, basically, my wife accuses me of being arrogant, argumentative, verbally abusive and a narcissist. This is quite a shocker to me cause I’ve never received this feedback from anyone I know from relatives to colleagues to neighbors and friends etc. I’m the kind of person that likes to slip in a room and head to the back. I don’t even have any social media handles so some words used to describe me just doesn’t add up.

Also, I do everything for her. I make sure the vehicles are fully serviced and are gassed up. I ensure all bills are paid and documents filed from utilities to insurance etc. I’m a neat freak so I love a clean house. I vacuum, sanitize wash dishes, wash clothes, mow the lawn, clean the cars myself and a host of other things. Things I don’t do is iron/press clothes, cook and clean bathrooms but I try and help where possible. I even make sure all tech devices are fully connected and updated and everything from our tablet, laptops, printer, CCTV system and mobile phones are up to mark and fully functional.

Lastly, the two issues I’ve had with my in-laws is one with my mother in law back in June 2020. I accused her of being accusatory at me and we both shared unfortunate words against each other in my home. She basically came over for a few days to help her daughter (my wife) with the baby. In my opinion she was not much of any help but I could be biased.

In May 2021, my father in law visited our home unannounced and when I politely spoke to him about it, it became an issue. I only raised this with him because he has this rule where before anyone visits him, we must first call ahead so I simply reciprocated same.

In both instances above, my wife has a different account of what happened and she deserves the right to explain but this is my point of view. The long and short of this is, I’ve since apologized to both my mother and father in law where I do not sense any animosity between us anymore. In fact, my father in law has returned to messaging me a couple of weeks now almost on a daily basis with inspirational forwards which I appreciate and I promised to obtain some information concerning her car from a local dealership which I forwarded to her mere hours ago and she was appreciative of that.

Over the years my mother in law turned to me to help her with her cars which I enjoyed doing. I even helped my father in law a couple of years ago back when he had a stroke and required medical attention. I’ve also helped both my sister and brother in law with their respective cars as this is a joy and passion that I have.

It hit me like a bus that now I’m seen as this evil person. It’s depressing. I just like to help people including my parents. I know I’ve got some rough edges but the pain inflicted on me is too much for me to bear.

I’m beginning to wonder if my wife is suffering from a stress disorder as a result of being a first time mother. She is also still breast feeding our daughter so I’m not sure if it’s emotions due to hormonal imbalances etc. Whatever it is, I know my wife quite well. She is very educated and she is well established in her career. People tend to take her word on things based on her title, influence and level of experience.
 

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You say your wife deceived you in the past but you forgave her. In what way did she deceive you? And why would you think she might be cheating now and wanting to divert the blame?
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
Thanks for the question. I can’t remember too much details except that it was back in Dec 2018 and she was having a conversation with a male colleague via WhatsApp. When I enquired on it, she lied and told me that she had no conversation with him. When I got hold of her phone, she simply cleared the entire conversation history and described her encounter to be “plutonic”. She is close with him, I can’t deny that because it was her who organized his last job (incidentally they both came from the same past employer) and he moved on to his current employer based on my wife’s recommendation which is incidentally also her current employer. So they both share current and past employers.

To answer the second part of the question, her accusations are so bizarre as she has painted me to be an ‘antichrist‘ of some sort. She basically takes little to zero responsibility for her past mistakes and now she punishes me with no intimacy and other measures I can’t divulge at this time. That’s the only reason why I came up with that explanation but it doesn’t mean it’s true because I have no evidence of cheating. She is secretive and yes she has a lot of guy friends especially with high paying jobs so I tried to place a link there but I may be wrong or probably insecure about it.

May I also point out, my wife indicated to me tonight that she is not desirous of having another child for me and roughly about a month ago, she went by a gynecologist to get an injection which is like a birth control shot. The weird thing is, since we’re not intimate (last time we had intercourse was around Dec 3rd representing just a handful of intimate occasions since becoming a mother), it’s like the injection makes no sense since no intimacy means 0 likelihood of becoming pregnant.

May I also point out that my wife (then girlfriend) made a promise to me back in September 2006 that she would have 2 kids for me. She remembers the occasion and her response to that now is, “times have changed”. I’m getting this feeling as I type this that my marriage is over.
 

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It’s over, she’s cheating. Sorry bro.

guarding phone, plutonic make friends that follow her to different jobs, birth control when you’re not having sex, she’s vilifying you to her parents and others, rewriting marital history….
Soon you’ll get the ILYBINILWY speech, she’ll be asking for space, she’ll move out to spend more time with her AP, snd you’ll be wondering what went wrong when she moves out snd your daughter meets mom’s new guy “friend”.

what country are you in?
 

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Hi Adrian,
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, especially with a new baby. Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife is cheating and has some skeletons she doesn't want you finding. She's certainly not behaving in a manner that engenders trust (deleting texts to prevent you from seeing the content).

@ Evinrude58 He's in Trinidad and Tobago.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I’m from the country that caused quite a stir on US news back in September concerning a case of a swollen male appendage due to a certain vaccine Lol. I’m referring to Trinidad & Tobago, W.I. (Caribbean).

It looks like I may need to hire a private investigator. If I do this, would it be considered an act of distrust? I just don’t want to give her another reason to accuse me and put me down.
 

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Thanks for the question. I can’t remember too much details except that it was back in Dec 2018 and she was having a conversation with a male colleague via WhatsApp. When I enquired on it, she lied and told me that she had no conversation with him. When I got hold of her phone, she simply cleared the entire conversation history and described her encounter to be “plutonic”. She is close with him, I can’t deny that because it was her who organized his last job (incidentally they both came from the same past employer) and he moved on to his current employer based on my wife’s recommendation which is incidentally also her current employer. So they both share current and past employers.

To answer the second part of the question, her accusations are so bizarre as she has painted me to be an ‘antichrist‘ of some sort. She basically takes little to zero responsibility for her past mistakes and now she punishes me with no intimacy and other measures I can’t divulge at this time. That’s the only reason why I came up with that explanation but it doesn’t mean it’s true because I have no evidence of cheating. She is secretive and yes she has a lot of guy friends especially with high paying jobs so I tried to place a link there but I may be wrong or probably insecure about it.

May I also point out, my wife indicated to me tonight that she is not desirous of having another child for me and roughly about a month ago, she went by a gynecologist to get an injection which is like a birth control shot. The weird thing is, since we’re not intimate (last time we had intercourse was around Dec 3rd representing just a handful of intimate occasions since becoming a mother), it’s like the injection makes no sense since no intimacy means 0 likelihood of becoming pregnant.

May I also point out that my wife (then girlfriend) made a promise to me back in September 2006 that she would have 2 kids for me. She remembers the occasion and her response to that now is, “times have changed”. I’m getting this feeling as I type this that my marriage is over.
She's in the process of replacing you with somebody else who gave her a good orgasm, or several, at some point previously during your marriage.
You are what we call the the Plan B. That means that she will only be interested in keeping you if the person she wants to replace you with doesn't work out.
There is no amount of cajoling or begging or insisting that is going to change this.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your child.

Most times, the replacement doesn't work out and she will come back to you, but she will not respect you ever again.
We do not recommend taking her back once she has fallen out of love with you.
You're a in a better position for a better relationship than she, but she doesn't realize that.
You have a higher chance of finding a good woman to replace your wife than she has to replace you.

The best thing to do is end the relationship with her and keep in contact with your daughter.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I don’t know what else to say except that I am saddened. It hurts so bad because now if this turns out to be true, the only loser in all of this is our daughter and she doesn’t deserve it at all.
 

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I don’t know what else to say except that I am saddened. It hurts so bad because now if this turns out to be true, the only loser in all of this is our daughter and she doesn’t deserve it at all.
You have that right. We are sorry that you are going through this.
Neither your daughter nor you deserve this.
The only thing you can do is move faster than your wife in ending the marriage, because moving faster than her will end it more favourably to you than to her.
Her only hope in saving the marriage, if she wants to save it, is to prove absolutely that she is being faithful.
That means open access to her cellphone and social media accounts.
Any proof of deleted messages must be viewed as an act of guilt on her part.
 

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Guys, I appreciate the raw sentiment and advice etc. I realize I’ve been a naive person for years. I’m ashamed of myself.
The classic first step in most self-help programs is to realize that you have a problem. You realize that you have been naive in your dealings with women. That is a pretty big step. Now the question is are your ready for the second step and the rest of the self-improvement program. I hope so, as you have a small child.

Whether you like it or not, you will probably always have some form of relationship with the mother of your child and the mother-in-law you don't care for. How you make peace or set up a truce with them my determine some of your future happiness and that of your child.

I would like to suggest that you read a few books and get some individual counseling. The first book is Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. A "Nice Guy" is code words for a male who is co-dependent on women, who has been raised to please and do things for female authority figures. When one stops being a Nice Guy, one does not become a jerk, instead one becomes an integrated man, a man of conviction, a man of character, with dreams and ethics. Women find real men much more attractive than Nice Guys who they tend to use.

Another book I would recommend is David Schnarch's book the Crucible. This is a concept that marriage is the hardest thing that two people can do. Marriage is a people/character growing machine. Marriage takes two dissimilar metals (people) and in the heat and pressure of marriage combines them into a new and different and more powerful metal. Marriage is a process by which two people constantly pull and push each other to higher levels of growth and self differentiation done through negotiation between them. In marriage there is tension and negotiation on everything, the amount of sex, the number of children, how to raise the children, what to eat, what kind of house or apartment to live in, what to save your money for, when and where to take vacations, budgets, etc. The stress and magic of the marriage machine is that the agreement at age 25, probably needs to change at age 30, then again at age 35, and then age 40, etc.

You also need to talk to a good divorce attorney. Let me emphasize that you need to not be taken financially to the cleaners by your wife and you need to be financially healthy so you can financially support and emotionally support your child. You will likely need an attorney to help with that.

Good luck.
 

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…in no way did I ever physically abuse her especially where there had to be intervention by family, friends of even law enforcement in our lives.
What were the ways you abused her mentally where law enforcement wasn’t required? Or was that just an odd sentence?

I took her to the local Botanical Gardens and went down on my knees and asked her to be my girlfriend.
Is that normal where you’re from?

…my wife accuses me of being arrogant, argumentative, verbally abusive and a narcissist.
Is there any basis for these accusations? Your post reads really weird and I can’t tell if it’s just how you write or if it is revealing something about you.

You kind of describe the pedestal you built up for her in the first few paragraphs. What were you doing while she was with her previous boyfriend? Were you writing her love notes and orbiting hoping she’d become available the entire time?
 

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wow, sorry to hear that OP.

seems like there are a LOT of these "Something bad changed in my wife right after she gave birth ...." threads.

Is this a covid related thing....being stuck in the home, pregnant, afraid to go outside....twists a person's mind to blame it all somehow on the husband?

not sure what these women are thinking, but all the guys I know would run for the hills if their potential new GF showed up at the doorstep with her 2 month old new baby!!!! do not want!

most men would wonder just how CRAZY she was!
 
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