Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 24 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,982 Posts
Re: I’ve destroyed the best thing that ever happened To me

I’ve been with my wife 15 years. Married for 6 of them. 2 years ago I started having affairs. It total 5 women over two years. Some just once others repeat encounters.

We always had a great relationship. She is my best friend. We have 2 small kids. We had some changes occur, a big move that I wasn’t comfortable with. Among others. I became bitter depressed and angry towards her. What was hard at first initiating contact and following through with an encounter... became easier. It was like a 2nd compartmented part of my life.
I still lived like the good man, husband and dad I’ve always been.

I got caught and now everything is on the line. My wife is crushed. I’m crushed. The fallout is brutal.

I’ve taken full responsibility for my actions
I’ve started therapy
Answered all her questions honestly
Arranged marriage counseling
And are in the midst of figuring out a separation agreement so she is protected

I’m hoping for a shot. I know I’ll never go back to my poor behavior. I’m heart broken over the pain I’ve caused her.

The one last obstacle is the separation agreement. I haven’t seen it yet but I think she is trying to drop the hammer on me. I make way less money , my potential pension is locked up in another state, and my earning power is limited. She’s making claim to assets that might not legally be hers In The court of law. 401ks, financial gifts in both our names, savings account, etc We’re in a equal distribution state. But I think she is trying to use guilt to have me sign a unfair deal. Of which I would not be able to recover. I think she is open to reconciling but how do I handle this? She keeps saying this step will be very telling as to my intentions...

I know I’m at fault but I also don’t want to be punished for the rest of my life if she can’t reconcile with what I’ve done to her...

Any advice? I’m waiting on seeing a draft and plan to see a lawyer...
Is this separation agreement like a post-nup, as in "if you cheat again, this is how things will be divided?"

A lawyer will tell you not to sign it. And from a legal standpoint, that would be good advice.

Your wife didn't write it this way for the legalities. She wants to know how much you are willing to risk to save the marriage, which is why she wants you to sign this. That's why she says this step will be very telling of your intentions.

By signing this, you are showing her that you are ALL IN to saving this marriage, and that you are willing to put all your security on the line to save this marriage, knowing that is you screw it up, you will lose everything.

She doesn't trust you right now, and you are going to have to earn that back. And earning back that trust after you've cheated on a partner is one of the hardest things in the world. Signing this agreement is likely the first step, which is making yourself vulnerable to her and showing that you trust and love her enough to give her this level of control. And she needs to feel like she is in control of this situation because of what you've done.

Reconciliation after betrayal is HARD. You are going to have to be willing to give up your pride and let her punish you first. Maybe you think it's unfair, but it's not. There are consequences to your actions, and if you want to save your marriage, you have to pay the consequences. And because you are the one who cheated, she gets to make the rules. That's how it goes, you don't get a say in this, not yet. Because she needs whatever she needs to feel secure in this relationship again--you took that sense of security away from her, and if you want to fix this, you need to give her anything and everything she thinks that she needs to feel secure again.

She will relent, eventually, when you have regained her trust, but that takes a LONG time. If it gets to a certain point and she still doesn't relent, that is when you get a say in this. That's why the counseling is a good idea, because the therapist has a clear view of when enough is enough.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
171 Posts
Well, I hope she divorces you.
I hope you are humiliated and that you are outed to everyone you know...your family, her family, friends, I hope the kids eventually learn how horribly you betrayed their mom and how you single-handed, out of pure selfishness ripped mom's heart out and destroyed the family because you couldn't keep your marriage promise. I hope most of these people end up kind of going their own way and cutting you out of their lives.
No reason for her to have to live in torment and anxiousness for the rest of her life wondering if you are telling the truth, that you are where you say you are, that you are only talking to work on the phone, her checking your phone, wondering if you are cheating again, always having those tormenting visions in her head of you with these other ****s. She deserves peace and to move on with contentment and a calm mind....maybe another man who will be faithful to her.

That being said, the agreement should follow normal law and she shouldn't get more than she is entitled to if you two split.
So if she is asking for more than legally entitled to than say no and stick by that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,450 Posts
Re: I’ve destroyed the best thing that ever happened To me

I’ve been with my wife 15 years. Married for 6 of them. 2 years ago I started having affairs. It total 5 women over two years. Some just once others repeat encounters.

We always had a great relationship. She is my best friend. We have 2 small kids. We had some changes occur, a big move that I wasn’t comfortable with. Among others. I became bitter depressed and angry towards her. What was hard at first initiating contact and following through with an encounter... became easier. It was like a 2nd compartmented part of my life.
I still lived like the good man, husband and dad I’ve always been.

I got caught and now everything is on the line. My wife is crushed. I’m crushed. The fallout is brutal.

I’ve taken full responsibility for my actions
I’ve started therapy
Answered all her questions honestly
Arranged marriage counseling
And are in the midst of figuring out a separation agreement so she is protected

I’m hoping for a shot. I know I’ll never go back to my poor behavior. I’m heart broken over the pain I’ve caused her.

The one last obstacle is the separation agreement. I haven’t seen it yet but I think she is trying to drop the hammer on me. I make way less money , my potential pension is locked up in another state, and my earning power is limited. She’s making claim to assets that might not legally be hers In The court of law. 401ks, financial gifts in both our names, savings account, etc We’re in a equal distribution state. But I think she is trying to use guilt to have me sign a unfair deal. Of which I would not be able to recover. I think she is open to reconciling but how do I handle this? She keeps saying this step will be very telling as to my intentions...

I know I’m at fault but I also don’t want to be punished for the rest of my life if she can’t reconcile with what I’ve done to her...

Any advice? I’m waiting on seeing a draft and plan to see a lawyer...
This says it all. May as well file for divorce because it looks like you don't want any consequences for your behavior. You're expecting her to go all in and trust you without you having any skin in the game. Is that any way to treat the mother of your children whose world you blew up? You're the one who isn't worthy of trust.

Don't worry, the lawyer will protect your assets. Who will protect your wife's heart?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Re: I’ve destroyed the best thing that ever happened To me

Some jurisdictions require arbitration or mediator before it gets to the court.
That way any obvious unbalanced deals are fine tuned to make things fair, the court doesn't want to send anyone to the poor house no matter what they did. They will protect you. Maybe. Depends on the state.
Married for 6 is considered a short marriage so you may just split 50-50 what you've acquired in 6 years and get what you came into the marriage with, but if you
have been together for 15 I don;t know how the other 9 years plays into the equation.

A couple questions, how would you expect her to believe that you won't do this again when she probably can't believe you did it this time. What changes will you make?
Question #2 , to have 5 affairs in 24 months sounds like a part time job, were they ONS or did they go on for weeks or months? How did you manage all the planning and lying about what was going on?
If you can devote the same amount of time energy to repairing what you destroyed she might try to R.
Personally I would not. Burn me once shame on you, burn me twice shame on me. Burn me 5 times? GTFO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
I’ve been with my wife 15 years. Married for 6 of them. 2 years ago I started having affairs. It total 5 women over two years. Some just once others repeat encounters.

We always had a great relationship. She is my best friend. We have 2 small kids. We had some changes occur, a big move that I wasn’t comfortable with. Among others. I became bitter depressed and angry towards her. What was hard at first initiating contact and following through with an encounter... became easier. It was like a 2nd compartmented part of my life.
I still lived like the good man, husband and dad I’ve always been.

I got caught and now everything is on the line. My wife is crushed. I’m crushed. The fallout is brutal.

I’ve taken full responsibility for my actions
I’ve started therapy
Answered all her questions honestly
Arranged marriage counseling
And are in the midst of figuring out a separation agreement so she is protected

I’m hoping for a shot. I know I’ll never go back to my poor behavior. I’m heart broken over the pain I’ve caused her.

The one last obstacle is the separation agreement. I haven’t seen it yet but I think she is trying to drop the hammer on me. I make way less money , my potential pension is locked up in another state, and my earning power is limited. She’s making claim to assets that might not legally be hers In The court of law. 401ks, financial gifts in both our names, savings account, etc We’re in a equal distribution state. But I think she is trying to use guilt to have me sign a unfair deal. Of which I would not be able to recover. I think she is open to reconciling but how do I handle this? She keeps saying this step will be very telling as to my intentions...

I know I’m at fault but I also don’t want to be punished for the rest of my life if she can’t reconcile with what I’ve done to her...

Any advice? I’m waiting on seeing a draft and plan to see a lawyer...
Is this separation agreement like a post-nup, as in "if you cheat again, this is how things will be divided?"

A lawyer will tell you not to sign it. And from a legal standpoint, that would be good advice.

Your wife didn't write it this way for the legalities. She wants to know how much you are willing to risk to save the marriage, which is why she wants you to sign this. That's why she says this step will be very telling of your intentions.

By signing this, you are showing her that you are ALL IN to saving this marriage, and that you are willing to put all your security on the line to save this marriage, knowing that is you screw it up, you will lose everything.

She doesn't trust you right now, and you are going to have to earn that back. And earning back that trust after you've cheated on a partner is one of the hardest things in the world. Signing this agreement is likely the first step, which is making yourself vulnerable to her and showing that you trust and love her enough to give her this level of control. And she needs to feel like she is in control of this situation because of what you've done.

Reconciliation after betrayal is HARD. You are going to have to be willing to give up your pride and let her punish you first. Maybe you think it's unfair, but it's not. There are consequences to your actions, and if you want to save your marriage, you have to pay the consequences. And because you are the one who cheated, she gets to make the rules. That's how it goes, you don't get a say in this, not yet. Because she needs whatever she needs to feel secure in this relationship again--you took that sense of security away from her, and if you want to fix this, you need to give her anything and everything she thinks that she needs to feel secure again.

She will relent, eventually, when you have regained her trust, but that takes a LONG time. If it gets to a certain point and she still doesn't relent, that is when you get a say in this. That's why the counseling is a good idea, because the therapist has a clear view of when enough is enough.
ThNk you for the honest feedback. You’re right I need to be all in.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Well, I hope she divorces you.
I hope you are humiliated and that you are outed to everyone you know...your family, her family, friends, I hope the kids eventually learn how horribly you betrayed their mom and how you single-handed, out of pure selfishness ripped mom's heart out and destroyed the family because you couldn't keep your marriage promise. I hope most of these people end up kind of going their own way and cutting you out of their lives.
No reason for her to have to live in torment and anxiousness for the rest of her life wondering if you are telling the truth, that you are where you say you are, that you are only talking to work on the phone, her checking your phone, wondering if you are cheating again, always having those tormenting visions in her head of you with these other ****s. She deserves peace and to move on with contentment and a calm mind....maybe another man who will be faithful to her.

That being said, the agreement should follow normal law and she shouldn't get more than she is entitled to if you two split.
So if she is asking for more than legally entitled to than say no and stick by that.
Thank you for your honest thoughts on the matter. I’m 100 percent all in on being. Better person. I will lose meaningful relationships over this.
No doubt about it
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I’ve been with my wife 15 years. Married for 6 of them. 2 years ago I started having affairs. It total 5 women over two years. Some just once others repeat encounters.

We always had a great relationship. She is my best friend. We have 2 small kids. We had some changes occur, a big move that I wasn’t comfortable with. Among others. I became bitter depressed and angry towards her. What was hard at first initiating contact and following through with an encounter... became easier. It was like a 2nd compartmented part of my life.
I still lived like the good man, husband and dad I’ve always been.

I got caught and now everything is on the line. My wife is crushed. I’m crushed. The fallout is brutal.

I’ve taken full responsibility for my actions
I’ve started therapy
Answered all her questions honestly
Arranged marriage counseling
And are in the midst of figuring out a separation agreement so she is protected

I’m hoping for a shot. I know I’ll never go back to my poor behavior. I’m heart broken over the pain I’ve caused her.

The one last obstacle is the separation agreement. I haven’t seen it yet but I think she is trying to drop the hammer on me. I make way less money , my potential pension is locked up in another state, and my earning power is limited. She’s making claim to assets that might not legally be hers In The court of law. 401ks, financial gifts in both our names, savings account, etc We’re in a equal distribution state. But I think she is trying to use guilt to have me sign a unfair deal. Of which I would not be able to recover. I think she is open to reconciling but how do I handle this? She keeps saying this step will be very telling as to my intentions...

I know I’m at fault but I also don’t want to be punished for the rest of my life if she can’t reconcile with what I’ve done to her...

Any advice? I’m waiting on seeing a draft and plan to see a lawyer...
This says it all. May as well file for divorce because it looks like you don't want any consequences for your behavior. You're expecting her to go all in and trust you without you having any skin in the game. Is that any way to treat the mother of your children whose world you blew up? You're the one who isn't worthy of trust.

Don't worry, the lawyer will protect your assets. Who will protect your wife's heart?
Blondilocks thank you for the reply your Ansolutely right. I do need to take the consequences. I didn’t meAn to sound like I was washing my hands of my role
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Doubt you will get much sympathy here

My advice, file for divorce and let her know that while the process is going on, you are going to be getting the help you need to figure why you would do such a scumbag activity, become a better person, and try to convince her to give you another chance
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,651 Posts
You broke the marital contract. You broke a family. There should be consequences for that, big ones.

Sorry, but I hope she takes you for all she can get. I'd say the same if the situation were reversed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,982 Posts
ThNk you for the honest feedback. You’re right I need to be all in.
TAMers are not kind to cheaters. But if you put in the hard work and do what it takes to earn back your wife's trust and fix the marriage that you broke, you will earn their begrudging respect.

They will be VERY hard on you until that point. If you can't deal with what the TAMers dish out to you, then you probably don't have what it takes to repair the damage. The TAMers will ALWAYS be on your wife's side... and because of that, they will be brutal with you, but they will also give you the best advice.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,954 Posts
Re: I’ve destroyed the best thing that ever happened To me

I’ve been with my wife 15 years. Married for 6 of them. 2 years ago I started having affairs. It total 5 women over two years. Some just once others repeat encounters.

We always had a great relationship. She is my best friend. We have 2 small kids. We had some changes occur, a big move that I wasn’t comfortable with. Among others. I became bitter depressed and angry towards her. What was hard at first initiating contact and following through with an encounter... became easier. It was like a 2nd compartmented part of my life.
I still lived like the good man, husband and dad I’ve always been.

I got caught and now everything is on the line. My wife is crushed. I’m crushed. The fallout is brutal.
...
After 13 years together, you became so angry you sought to 'punish' her by having affairs. Crushed is a deficient word for what you chose to do. You make it sound like you FORCED yourself to cheat according to your report. I DON'T THINK SO! One does not do this to their best friend and their helpless little kids.

You stole/decimated her trust, time, money, affection, life by selfishly choosing to put your philandering self in a parallel life. How could you live with yourself--two years--many women. You only stopped because you got caught.

A lack of character/integrity is at the bottom of this. Living like a good man, husband, dad is the deceptive part of what you are.

The law will make decision about who gets what. Do her a favor and kindly release her to someone who truly cares for her and the children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
57 Posts
Re: I’ve destroyed the best thing that ever happened To me

I’ve been with my wife 15 years.
Married for 6 of them.
2 years ago I started having affairs.
Yeah, those years are gone, marriage is dead, killed by you.
It total 5 women over two years.
A serial cheater, I hope you are happy with yourself.
I hope your wife sleeps with 5 men too, so you'll know how it feels like.
We always had a great relationship.
Had until you destroyed it, now she hates you. Good job!
She is my best friend.
She _WAS_ your best friend, not anymore...
We have 2 small kids.
Yes, did you not think about them? Of course not!
They did not matter, had no value before now.
They will hate you then they grow up and get older.
Any advice?
Yes, set your wife free to find herself a good man who treats her right.
A good man respects his wife and will always do right even if she is a dragon.

I can't believe how stupid some people are.

A betrayed person will feel or suffer the following:
- Sadness
- Anger
- Rage
- Bitterness
- Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD)
- Depression
- Not sleep well.
- Not eating well.
- Suicide attempts or thoughts.
- The destroyed trust in new men as partners.

So yeah, thanks yourself for giving her some or all of that.

I have read enough stories to say one thing.
Cheaters are plain human trash.
They have no value as a partner, ever.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,832 Posts
"But I think she is trying to use guilt to have me sign a unfair deal. Of which I would not be able to recover."

Look at it like this Dawg. She asking for earnest money to accompany your offer. Sure she asking for more anny on your part. Its good "bidness" when you're dealing with a person of questionable character to make the deposit sufficiently large to cover the likelihood they'll breach the agreement. She won't be made whole, but at least she'll have seed money until she replaces you in her living room and the bedroom.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,792 Posts
The odds of you two having a happy life together after this are probably 10% tops. Thus, in your shoes, I wouldn't throw away my financial well being for a 10% shot. You already threw away your marriage. Accept that and realize you almost certainly won't get it back, or at least any semblance of a version you used to have.

Maybe throw her a little bone, but nothing that will cripple you if she takes it and dumps you. Tell her that you don't deserve her, and while you'd love to promise her all these assets, in the end, you expect her to decide you aren't a worthy partner anymore. And you need something to live on.

Instead list all the things we ARE willing to do. But also tell her that you'll understand if she can't ever take you back.

In her shoes, I wouldn't. She's likely just trying to punish you for anything you are willing to give up. Make you hurt as much as possible.

You have no idea the pain you have caused. It's often worse than a death of a loved one. It has the extra layer of being purposefully perpetrated against you, specifically. It is a hell you can't even imagine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,319 Posts
I think he has moved on, probably to SI so they can teach him " poor baby it's not your fault". But other than his polite replys, it sure doesn't sound like he's chrushed/repentive his post show no emotions but they are polite. But mechanical looking for sympathy nothing like a man that's emotional. Yup I hope she gets more than her fair share.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,273 Posts
I'm going to put on my neutral hat.

You basically destroyed your marriage. The odds she will forgive you and be able to stay long term aren't good. The longer you're married, the more she is legally entitled to. If you divorce now you will be in a better financial position than if you divorce in another few years. So, got for a fair agreement that takes into consideration both making amends for what you've done to your wife and your financial future, finalize the divorce, and date each other if you want a shot at reconciling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,754 Posts
I know I’m at fault but I also don’t want to be punished for the rest of my life if she can’t reconcile with what I’ve done to her...
I find this ignorant, self-indulgent comment damned laughable. You really are a piece of work. If you had any LESS remorse for your pig behavior, you'd be in a coma.

I always find it truly amazing that RIGHT around the time a lying cheater is caught with his pants down, that's usually when he has this sudden, magical epiphany about how much he loves his wife, and how she's the best thing that ever happened to him, and how he can't stand the thought of not seeing his kids every day and blah blah blah.

Yet, before said cheater was caught and was having the time of his life rotating his side pieces and getting himself all kinds of girlie action, those thoughts weren't even on his radar. I'm willing to bet that his deep love for his wife and thinking about how she's the best thing that ever happened to him probably never entered his mind when he was unzipping his pants.

OP, do you honestly think JUST because you're scared shitless at losing everything and want to save your own hide so you're supposedly being truthful with her and offering to go marriage counseling, that that's supposed to somehow give you an advantage? Trust me, it doesn't.

Honestly OP, if your wife is SMART, she'll run from you so damned fast you'll have to FedEx her shadow to her the next day.
 
1 - 20 of 24 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top