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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I…. Don’t know what to say for myself. There is nothing to say to make this better. But I desperately need help on what to do.

I’m 21 years old. I married my high school sweetheart last year. We’ve been married for one year. He’s 22.

We started dating in 2016. He was my first boyfriend. We broke up for a while because I was scared of a relationship. I was the one who broke us up. He understood and left me be. I then dated a girl for over a year and was actually engaged to her (stupid I know.) I broke up with her due to her getting into witchcraft (I am a devout Christian and this contradicts my faith heavily). Also because I felt wrong about being in a homosexual relationship. My family never knew of this taking place and still don’t. After that, I took a break and got close to God. He brought my husband to me. We rekindled our relationship and got back together. We’ve been together ever since. After one year of dating, I cheated on him with a guy in the theatre I’m involved in. Never had sex, just hand jobs and make outs. It lasted about a week. I felt horrible and told the guy I couldn’t do it. He was telling me he loved me and all that, I never felt that for him. He cussed me out on the phone, called me a ***** and said he’d make sure I never had a place in that theatre again. Never the less, I was through. I confessed to my now husband this at school. It hurt him but he forgave me the same day. Things were great once more.

Another year passes, and I’m in another show at the theatre. My husband is too. I get a lead role and I get close with my male counterpart in the show. I liked talking to him and he was nice to dance with. The funny thing is, my husband played the suitor for my character in the show and the guy played my character’s love interest. We had more rehearsals together and became close overtime. All of a sudden, one night he reaches out to me in Facebook dms and sends a funny video. I found it odd, but liked that he wanted to talk to me. He had a girlfriend at this time and I was engaged. We had pretty clean conversation, and never really talked dirty. But he then invited me to come and hang with him at his apartment. I was starting to fall for him. He was tall, handsome, and interesting. We hung out and got intimate really fast. I liked it. It lasted maybe a week or two. We hung out again and slept together. It was 2 in the morning when I woke up after the fact. I was living with my folks at the time. We met up once again and did it again. I was emotionally and physically involved with him. I even debated leaving my husband for him. He didn’t feel the same. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. We stopped. We both agreed to tell our so’s. I told my husband and it shattered him. He was furious and broken hearted. He smacked me and choked me. This is the only physical altercation I have been in with him. He’s not abusive. I deserved every bit of it. He took the engagement ring and told me to leave his apartment. He had me stuff all my things I had there into the closet in the hall. He said to give him a week and he would see how he felt. I was broken. I couldn’t believe I did what I did. The whole week I cried everyday and wrote him letters about how I felt. I was genuine repentant. I went to the apartment to pick something up and I knew he was there. I had to see him. He let me in and looked absolutely haggard. Poor thing. I regret that heavily. We spoke and he decided to give me a chance. He said if I did it again, he’d be done.

We get married the next year, 2020. It was a beautiful wedding. Absolutely perfect. But you need to know one thing, I grew up in an abusive household, and my parents did not approve of my husband and I’s engagement. We dated three years, got engaged, and married a year to the date of or anniversary after. It’s been 5 years total now. I got kicked out over it in November, directly after we had dealt with my cheating. He never did a thing wrong, they even took him with us on several vacations. He’s a firm believer in Christ as well. They were mad because he didn’t ask for my hand from my dad. He knew my sad was going to say no and tell me about it, spoiling it. My parents didn’t pay a dime for any piece of my wedding. My mother made me later to my own wedding being hungover. It was a small but intimate ceremony

We celebrated our one year anniversary this year. Now the last time. The same first guy and I had been involved in a play together. He was assistant director and I was a lead role. Towards the end of the show we started texting. It got a bit graphic. No photos or anything, just dirty talk. I told myself Id never actually do anything I texted him. I just liked that kind of attention, being desired that way. This went on and I put a halt to it. Then I texted him again. Then I got intoxicated at the cast party and told him to meet me somewhere. We met up, kissed, no sex. He has a girlfriend. Then the next time we met was weeks later. I went to his house and we were alone. He wanted sex, I did not cave. We got close but did not due to me saying no. After this, I told him I couldn’t message him anymore and that I didn’t want to betray my husband. He understood. At the time, I was getting into drinking and smoking with some friends at a mutual friend of ours’ house. He would be there of course. We always had this energy there that was hard to ignore, and being under the influence didn’t help my case. We messaged again occasionally. I tried not to get back into sexual talk with him. I was scared though. I felt like I needed to make sure he would keep all of these occurrences to himself, thus why I was speaking to him again. I felt pressured to continue due to my fear. The last time that we met was weeks later. I messaged asking if he wanted to meet. He asked if we would finally do it. I said “maybe” but internally, I said no. I got drunk before we met up and thats why I caved in to sex with him. I didn’t feel the pain and guilt of it til a day later. I ended things and we both mutually agreed to keep it to ourselves with no evidence.

I went cold turkey with him for a few weeks, occasionally texting when the guilt got to me. My anxiety has been worse than ever. It’s hard to sleep and eat. It’s been 3 months since the incident and I had gotten better except for when I met with him one last time. I kept my distance from him and we just talked. I told him my heart couldn’t take betraying my husband anymore. I had gotten better with my anxiety at this point but it resurgent heavily after this meeting. This was roughly two weeks ago. I’ve been doing my best to be a better wife to him, and it’s working. He says I’m better than I was those three months ago. I’ve vowed to myself and him not to hang with that crowd nor be associated with the theatre anymore. I don’t want to drink around anyone but my husband now.

Im scared. I love him deeply, I don’t want to hurt him.This could never be an excuse, but I did wish he’d be more sexual with me. He’s usually tired after work and never wants to have sex. And when he does, I sometimes don’t want it. I’ve been trying to be better in all aspects for him. He says I’ve been perfect these past few months. He’s been happy.

I want to do the right thing. I’m scared of both possibilities, telling him or not. I’ve been advised by those on quora saying in the majority that I shouldn’t tell him. I’m just… scared. I feel disgusted with myself for betraying his trust. He never ever deserved such a wench like me. It kills my knowing how I’ve broken a vow. I want to do what is best for my marriage.

I prayed for God to forgive me and give me courage to do whatever the right thing is for this. I pray for my marriage to survive, no matter what I’m called to do. I’ve learned my lesson this time. I feel like him forgiving me has made me feel like I can do it and it be okay. But keeping this secret? It’s kept me from ever even dreaming of doing something like this again. I feel like it keeps me accountable. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the guilt and remorse for what I’ve done. I feel horrible. My husband has had too much trauma in his life, his father passed when he was 10 and ive caused all the other heartache already, I don’t want to break his heart. I’m terrified. I will do whatever it takes to get our marriage where it needs to be. I believe marriage is for life, there’s no one else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.

Edit: wow… this community is cold blooded. I guess I can’t blame you. Thanks for the horrible honesty, it barely made a dent.

I wrote this so detailed in each part because I felt it would be helpful when advising me. I take no pride in any of these encounters, they have been the darkest days of my life.

perhaps you’re all right, I should toss in the towel for my marriage. But I just… I don’t know about that. I know I’m a nasty disgraceful sinner to all of you, I see that and I see it in myself first and foremost as well. I want help. I am confused, hurt, and scared. I hate myself. And I’m praying for a miracle over my circumstances. I know what I’ve done is a sin. A horrible one, I know that full well thank you. It’s never okay. I just want to fix things. I want to do my best. I’ve come to this resolution alone.
 

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You're a serial cheater. You will NEVER stop. Never. No matter who you're with, you will cheat.

Divorce your H. Give him a chance at finding a real life and real love. Bc you don't care about him or his feelings, and you damn sure don't respect him.

You don't know how to love. Be single and have sex with everyone.

You can both be happy that way.

And there's no one else you'd rather spend your life with? How about the 3 guys that you've chosen OVER your husband. Surely they are your first 3 choices. Otherwise, why choose them over him, over and over again?
 

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All you seem to do is cheat. You continue to put yourself in ridiculous situations and then ultimately cheat. You are very young, immature, and broken. You certainly should not be married to anyone. Maybe one day, but it will take tremendous work on your part to be a safe partner for someone. Tell your husband that you cheated again. Divorce him. The fact that he has been violent with you is terrible. You should probably have someone there to stop him from getting physical when you tell him what you have done. Your marriage is very short and is not worth saving. I doubt it can be saved given the fact you can't stop cheating and he is physically abusive.

You must divorce him and move on. He is physically abusive and you are a cheater. That is a terrible combination. Whether you will ever be a decent partner is up to you. You need intensive therapy with someone versed in infidelity to get to the bottom of your behavior.
 

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Now that’s what I call yikes. You’re obviously young and immature and not ready to be in a committed relationship. You have no self control and can’t help yourself when it comes to attention from another man. You will continue to repeat this pattern. Quit trying to hang on to your husband as your fall back stable guy. You keep betraying him over and over. He’s a fool to keep putting up with your crap.
 

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Please tell your husband so he can find a wife who is faithful and has integrity.
Your lifestyle doesn't reflect your Christianity at all. Barely married yet cheated 3 times? Through your adultery you have effectively shattered the covenant of marriage. Surely you know the seriousness of this?

If you REALLY love him you will not stay. Tell him and end this sham. Lying is wrong as is deception. You know that.
Plus you may have given him an std.

His life with be completely miserable if you stay married to him.

Once he has ended this marriage please spend many years growing up and get some good Christian accountability before you date again.
 

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There is nothing Christian in Adultery. Tell your husband the truth, do him the last favor of giving him back the agency to make an informed decision about his own future with all the ugly facts (nothing hidden) laid out in front of him.

By keeping this secret you are treating your husband like an infant without agency. This on top of the cheating is the epitome of disrespect, entitlement and selfishness.

Your husband deserves someone better than you, at the moment no other woman has cheated on him, thus making every single one of them a better partner to him than you are. You are an unsafe partner for him.

Give him back his life, with all information revealed in order for him to heal and move on to someone who actually deserves his heart and love.
 

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1. If you want to stay married;
a.) Quit the theater.
b.) Go to your pastor for advice (however, don't get involved with the pastor, which you seem to with every man or woman you meet).
c.) Stop drinking ... period.
d.) Never mention it to anyone again (including your husband). Telling him will ease your pain but destroy him. You will have to suffer and take it to the grave.

2. If you want to treat him fairly;
a.) Tell him. It will destroy him. Then you can divorce honorably and go on with your theater career. He can then find someone without the mental problems you are dealing with & go on to live a normal life.
b.) You have to get individual counseling. You are a sex addict. This will not stop.
c.) If you really care about him, listen to this song. Dolly Parton wrote this:

 

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Stop torturing your H. Make sure you're done with you're H so you can't cheat on him anymore. You are unable to commit to anything except your selfish feelings.

Stay in the pick me up since it's fun and I like it game. Don't torture someone who thinks you are married to them.
 

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I think skerzoid's reply is on target. You have to stop cheating, and it sure sounds like the theater encourages you to cheat. You have to put your marriage and husband first. Then trust in God's love, forgiveness, guidance, and help.
I would definitely not tell your husband; you are only asking him to help you bear the guilt. Not fair to him. Rid yourself of guilt by finding a trustworthy confessor (either clergy or trusted confidante), confess your 'sins', let yourself be forgiven, and get on about being married faithfully and be a good wife. (Understand that God has already forgiven you)
 

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I had a ons with a woman and the following morning she told me she was engaged. I asked her why she wasn’t faithful to her fiancée and she told me she had been faithful “Lots of times”.
You and her have a lot in common especially the fact that you should never be married to anyone because you are a serial cheater.
Just divorce the poor sap who was stupid enough to marry you and let him try to find a faithful, loyal woman to be with.
 
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