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Hello. I am a 40 year old mother of 1 teenager married to my husband for almost 15 years. We have been together since 1997 and got married in 2004, so we’ve been together for over 20 years.

We have gone thru so much as a couple and I have always been hopeful that we will stand the test of time. I do not doubt that my husband is as hopeful as I am. However, these last few months I have been feeling so over everything. I’m not here to claim I’m some kind of perfect wife and I expect to have a perfect husband and marriage. I believe I am apart of the problem but I can’t get thru to him. I don’t want to make him sound like a bad guy, he takes care of his family, he can be very loving and understanding. I can’t talk to him.

If I say something that goes against what he thinks, or do something in a way that he doesn’t agree with he is just a straight ass about it. He misinterprets things that I say or blows things out of proportion. Like it’s no such thing as miscommunication with him. I try to clarify myself and it’s like it falls on deaf ears. He just hears what he wants. He has snapped at me or my son over something as minor as what’s for dinner .... and when you tell him he is being snappy he will tell us that it’s becuase of something we said or did.

I even tried just apologizing (even when I don’t feel like I did anything wrong) just to try and move on from the issue. I bite my tongue when he says or does something because I don’t like because I don’t want to fight or I don’t want him to take something I say or do the wrong way. Now I just feel like I can’t talk to my own husband. The only time we get along is I just go along with everything he says and even then I’m walking on eggshells because one wrong statement or look could cause an argument. We have always had issues communicating but these last months are the worst. We hardly sleep in the same bed ... he sits on the couch on his phone for hours.

I had complained about his snoring in the past and when he told me that was the reason he was sleeping in the couch I told him I wouldn’t complain about it anymore and please let’s get back to sleeping in the same bed. Sometimes he comes in the room but most of the time he doesn’t. He already travels a lot so it’s kinda hurtful that we can’t sleep in the same bed when he’s home. Infidelity has been a problem in the past (both of us have cheated) and I can’t help but feel that it’s happening again. I have tried to express my feelings about the phone about the couch and it doesn’t go anywhere... he wants to intimate with me but I can’t seem to get him to understand that I need to have that emotional connection in order to have intimacy... he says he needs the physical in order to get to the mental.. so I let go of my issues and try to be intimate but I still

Haven’t got the emotional support I desire. I don’t know what to do ... and I know this seems like I just spent this whole post dogging him but I know I have things to work on as well... I do feel like I try and every approach I take is the wrong one or is just gonna leave me with a bunch of bottled up feelings.

Premium Member
1,949 Posts
If your gut is telling you he is cheating, believe it. When one can do nothing right, something is up. If you really want to know, do you share passwords, etc? How much is he traveling? You could put VAR in his car to begin with. Check weightlifter's standard evidence thread for more....

Premium Member
9,478 Posts
Ugh, I was married to someone like this. Note that I said WAS. You are miserable with him, walking on eggshells in your own home is no way to live. People like him don't change. Changing would mean they admit they have a fault, and THAT as you know is simply unacceptable! What keeps you there, money? Familiarity? Because I am not seeing love here, living with someone like this eventually kills your love and leaves you a shell of your former self.

My suggestion... if you want to be able to say you tried, see if you can get him to go to therapy with you. When he refuses (which he WILL refuse, because, as you know, there is nothing wrong with him and how dare you insinuate such a thing), then consult an attorney and start making your exit plan. Life is way too short for this kind of misery.

Premium Member
1,949 Posts
Standard evidence post pasted below. Just do it. It’s step by step.

Your wife/husband is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” “I love you but not in love with you.” or version thereof. Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up.

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY!

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office :
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality.

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work.

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell.

Credit john1068
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself.

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there.

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ).

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

Credit rodphoto 01162014
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked.

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed.

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward.

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears.

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history!

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything said into the phone is right here. I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to. Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS. It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.

933 Posts
Oh man, here we go again. Sorry you're here but historically these stories don't have a happy ending. You will get good advice here.

42,483 Posts
I too was married to a man who acted this way. In addition to being just mean, he cheated.. over and over.

I think that he often used his negative attitude to help cover up his cheating.

do you have access to the bill for his phone? Check it to see if he's in contact with one phone number a lot.

Also, as someone else said, keep quiet until you have enough evidence to prove to yourself that he's cheating and that it's solid enough for you to take action based on it.

It's probably time for you to see a lawyer and start planning for a divorce.

Premium Member
2,671 Posts
Re: I’m Not Ok .....

Like someone said, here we go again...

Yes he is cheating, the phone is all I needed.

You have both cheated, based on your post, you BOTH rug swept the infidelity.

I could go through all of the standard stuff, but you know that already because you are here.

Bottom line:

Sit him down, WITH NO DESTRACTIONS, NO PHONE, NO KIDS, NO NOTHING, and have the courage to say the following...

1) I am unhappy, but I want to be happy with you. I would like our marriage to work if at all possible.
2) I know you are cheating, and please don't deny it, we have both been through this before, I know...OK...
3) If you don't want to be with me, just say so and we can start the divorce proceedings.
4) If you do want this marriage, then lets get some real counseling and MC and see if we can do it...
5) I love you, even if you don't love me. If you don't, then please set me free...

As hard as it is to do the above, what choice do you really have. Work on it, divorce or be miserable.

These are your choices...

1,927 Posts
Re: I’m Not Ok .....

If you decide to work on it, realize that success is not guaranteed or very likely to happen at all. I'm sure there are a few cases where an abusive and reluctant spouse turned things around, but that seems happen so rarely it might as well be a fantasy. All the stuff about looking for an affair is useful, but you might just want to skip past that and think about moving on. If you do discover an affair, that adds another almost-impossible complication to fixing the marriage.

I think you would benefit greatly by going to an individual counselor to work through these issues. Having someone one-on-one will be a very positive force to move forward.

Can you give some background on your work and financial situation? If it doesn't work out, what sort of complications would you have living on your own and supporting your child?
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